The first time River Tam dreams of Sam Winchester, he cannot see her. She is merely an observer in her own right, following and learning.

She is well aware that she is dreaming, well aware that he has no knowledge of her existence. She is an intruder here; she does not belong inside this boy's head.

But then she sees him walking outside, down a very straight sidewalk. The two sides, supposed to be parallel but no longer due to erosion, do not curve or stray from the pathway in anyway. There are no intersections.

He is beautiful. He is long and lean and muscular, and he takes her breath away (her breath in a dream-state, anyway, which she fully suspects is the akin of her mind appreciating the sight before her, but she chooses to wait to contemplate it when she is fully conscious).

He walks, with his shoulders slumped and a book bag over his shoulder. Darkness surrounds him. But there – a ray of light is at his side.

Not a light. A girl. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

She is soft and golden and whole and beautiful. He smiles when he sees her, this girl made of light.

River is instantly jealous, heartbroken, and disappointed all at once. She is not whole, or beautiful, soft or light. She is cold and shattered and difficult and nothing like this light-girl.

"Sam," the girl calls. And so a name he has. She could've searched his brain for it – but River is not prepared to invade his mind more then necessary. It's a wonderful name – River thinks this is wonderful.

He wraps his arm around her. He leans down and kisses her, and River's hand instinctively flies to her own lips, wishing she could feel such an experience. Her jealousy flares inside her, but she beats it down.

She wants him to be happy.

And then the dream changes, starts to hurt him, and she wishes to fight it. The darkness lunges for him at the same instant she does, and she watches at the darkness tries to rip away from his light.

He battles the darkness, hitting at it, pushing and growling at it, trying to keep the girl by his side. He doesn't see River, can't feel her trying to get to him, try to hold him away.

This boy is precious, she must protect him. She can see him clearly – his soul, his mind, need to be protected because he is so beautiful, and she has found that evil men kill beautiful things very easily and very often.

It takes a long time to realize that the very darkness he beats at is her, that he pushes her away from his lover until she relents and drifts away from him.

She does not know how, but she loves this boy, and yet he wills her away – so away she goes.

-

She had tried very hard to stay away, and she had been good about it for months now. River felt useless, and she moped around the ship accordingly.

She had heard Simon discussing it with Kaylee. She couldn't find the words to explain her melancholy, and she knew that Simon wouldn't understand them if she did try.

She often wandered aimlessly around the ship, seeking comfort in Serenity's steel and soft singing voice. But the ache in her heart didn't let up –she wanted to see him, her Sam. Her other half was planets, centuries, and eons away, but she could find him in a heartbeat. She just had to go to sleep and let herself look.

But she wasn't strong enough to be shooed away again.

She watched Mal and Inara banter with her head tilted. She saw Kaylee and Simon try and fail to communicate their feelings. She felt Zoe and Wash worship each other with physical love making. Comprehension dawned on her.

One day, in the medical bay, Simon sighed as he put together a new chemical combination for her.

"I wish, mei-mei, that you could tell me what's wrong now," He whispered softly, as he pushed a needle and his new concoction into her arm.

She leaned back, blinking slowly, considering what he was pushing into her system. "You are a boob," she replied. "I comprehend the reasons now."

-x-

She was just dreaming; she had been good and hadn't looked for him. But River hadn't expected that he would (or could) come to her.

They are in the living room of her childhood home; before the academy, before the pain and before the thoughts didn't align with the words anymore.

He is sitting on the couch when she walks in, flipping through an old sketchbook of hers.

"Hey, River." His smile is the same – beautiful, large and blinding. He is too big for this place, where everything is so small and meant for little Tam children.

"Sam?" She asks. A thousand thoughts run through her head – she didn't try to find him.

He rushes towards her, as if sensing her discomfort, merely from her eyes widening. His arms wrap around her, with plenty room to spare, and pull her against his chest. He is warm and wonderful and she feels like she just came home.

"Don't worry baby, you haven't done anything wrong," he whispers into her hair, kissing her head and rocking her against him.

"But you are here," she looks up and answers, eyebrows drawn tight. "You are here and not with your girl," she sniffles, feeling an urge to cry at the mention of the woman he prefers over her.

"I'm not, actually." He answers, a bit of lightness to his voice. He chuckles at her confusion. "I'm just the manifestation of your subconscious want for me."

River looks down and pulls away from his warm, wonderful arms. "Of course. You would not come to me, because you are with her."

He walks forward and pulls her chin up, forces her eyes to match his. "I would come, River, if you would show me how."

She raises her eyebrows and holds her breath, hope filling her for the first time since she saw him.

"Come get me River, baby, I'm waiting for you." He whispers into her ear. Then he tilts her face up, forwards and leans down against her. Their cheeks brush against each other, and she can feel his breath on hers.

-

River woke up and looked around slowly, sighing.

"I will come for you, qing-ren. You owe me the rest of that dream." She whispers into her pillow.

-x-

She had to wait a few weeks, before she could find him easily enough, but the connection is there, the connection is strong and she just has to let her mind follow its own path to his.

So she goes and finds him in a motel room, outside where the ship has landed. She runs to his door, excited.

She stops, staring at the number 3 on the ugly wooden door. The green paint is peeling. Somehow, this must be significant.

She knocks, waits and he opens the door. He stands and looks at her. Not just looks at her, but he sees her and instantly she can feel his soul call hers. She feels complete now – her other half sees her, finds her, understands her. She can feel his mind link to hers, feel how he has longed for her the way she has longed for him.

"Sorry I'm late," she whispers. She's not sure that she's in full control of her motor functions in his dream, but the amazing giddiness from being near him is enough to let her surrender control to his subconscious for now.

They walk and fall into stride, easily, because they have been made for each other. They do not complete each other. She can feel the tears inside her, and the small cracks inside him – but they comfort each other and define each other in ways she had never known existed.

He laughs when she teases him, and smiles when she touches him. She doesn't ever want him to stop.

He is seeing an airplane, where she understands this is the great divide – the cross, where she will pull him from his mind into hers, so that he can learn how to come after her. He crosses easily, thinking he is just stepping onto a jet, and his hands on her body are large and warm. She tugs him through the divide, and feels the coldness of Serenity's beauty around them.

He questions about the crew and she grins, because he can fully see her mind and understand now. She won't have to tell him everything, because he can see.

She twirls and kicks her combat boots off and turns for him.

"Will you come after me?" She asks, hopeful. She's asking if he will use what she has shown him; she's asking him to come seek her out next time, instead of making her feel like an intruder – like he wishes she were golden and whole, not dark and broken.

"Always," he answers, and she is at peace.

-x-

He took a long time. She worried that he got lost, and then that he just didn't want to come.

But then she tried to find him. She found only fire and his girl was burning and Sam was screaming. She cried and sobbed and screamed for him, knowing her love was in pain. Kaylee rocked her in her arms, with Inara on the other side of her, rubbing her back and whispering soothing arms. She fell asleep between the two of them, crying out for Sam to be safe and okay.

-x-

Sam came back, finally. It took him a long time, longer then she liked, but he came back and found her again. And it was okay again.

-

She is lying in an empty field next to Sam and River's dress fans out around her legs. She can hear Sam's steady breath next to her, his chest rising and following in a perfect pattern. Her hand is clasped tightly in his; her head is resting atop his shoulder.

He wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her body against his, leaning in to nuzzle her neck. "I want to know everything about you," he whispers.

"I'm a girl," she whispers. "I am twenty three pairs of chromosomes lining up in a double X pattern to create the female form."

He laughs gently, his body rumbling underneath hers. "I want to know you, River, not about girls. You can read my mind but all I get are the glimpses of you when you come find me. I want to know your favourite colour and what you do for fun and about the crew on Serenity…" he trails off. She catches glimpses of his thoughts – glimpses of Dean.

"Dean is your brother," she starts slowly, careful to make sure she has control – she loses it so often when she concentrates on maintaining their connection. "I have Simon instead of Dean. Simon is my version of Dean. He takes care of me. But he's kind of a boob," Sam strokes her hair and smiles, listening intently.

"Simon keeps trying to make me better." Her voice shakes a little and drops into a whisper. "But he can't."

Sam sits up and pulls her face so he can meet her eyes. His eyebrows tilt down into a serious and worried expression. "What do you mean, River?"

"Simon was a very prestigious doctor on Osiris – the planet he and I were born on. I was sent to an academy for the intellectually gifted – but instead, they experimented on us."

She looks down at her fingers, and Sam takes her hands into her own, hoping to comfort her. She smiles sadly – there is no comfort for this.

"They trained us and cut into our brains. By the end…I lost almost all mental stability, and have become the perfect assassin. I can read thoughts and kill with less then a second's notice."

Sam's worry lines deepened and he pulled her closer against his chest, rocking her gently. "Baby, I am so sorry."

"Please don't be."

His eyebrows shoot up his forehead in confusion. "If I hadn't gone to the academy, I would never have been able to find you." He nods solemnly and rests his forehead against hers.

"I'm scared, qing-ren." She sighs. "I can come find you and bring you and Dean and the Impala home…but you won't be able to understand me."

Sam smiles and kisses her softly. "River, I love you."

She rolls her eyes. "I love you too but that does not install a crazy to English translator in your brain."

"I won't need one. We love each other –that's enough."

She sighs hard, pulling away from him gently. "No, Sam it's not. I'm dangerous and I speak in more riddles then any sphinx ever did. I don't want to hurt you one day when I'm not in control."

He shrugs, his smile soft and assuring as he pulls her back into his lap. "You won't. We're going to be just fine, baby."

She pouts at his ignorance of her serious problem. He kisses her forehead. "You just worry about getting to me, and I'll take care of the rest. I promise, River, everything's going to be great."

She leans her back against his chest and bites the inside of her cheek. He holds in silence, and she breathes in the scent of him until she wakes.

-x-

One night she woke up screaming, Simon standing over her. She yelled and screamed for Sam, that she couldn't find Sam. Simon tried to soothe her, but she would yell.

"He's gone, quick little slide and Sam can't come home anymore," she wailed, crying without stopping. Everyone took turns watching her. Some, like Kaylee and Inara, were more caring, rocking her and trying to soothe her. Others, like Mal, just sat out side and waited to see if she'd calm. She didn't.

She finally managed to reduce herself to silent tears, and she listened to Kaylee and Simon talk outside of her door.

"I still don't know who Sam is. I keep thinking he's an imaginary friend, or a hallucination of some kind," Simon sighed.

"I aint sure Simon, but whoever he is River loves him somethin' fierce." Kaylee answered. River could almost feel the mechanic place her hand on the doctor's shoulder for comfort.

"She's in so much pain, and I can't do anything to help her…" her brother drifted off.

"Don't be silly Simon. Of course you can't do anything. She lost her lover."

Less then twenty four hours later, River was silent. When Simon stopped by to check on what halted her theatrics, he found her fast asleep on her bed.

-

"SAM!" She screams, calling into the darkness. Tears run down her cheeks and she falls for her knees, begging for her lover to come. "Sam, please, qing-ren, just come back…"

Warm arms wrap around her and pull her up to stand against a hard body. She turns into him and looks up with incredulous eyes, water blurring her dream-vision.

"It's okay baby, I'm right here. It's okay now, I promise."

"You left me!" She screams and pounds her fists against his chest. She hits him and cries before falling into his chest and sobbing aloud.

He whispers 'sorry' over and over into her hair, holding her. When she is finally confident that he has returned to her, she pulls back to question him.

"What happened? Where did you go? Why did you leave me? I just looked for you and you weren't there and I couldn't find you anymore and you were gone…" He brings a finger to her lips to halt her ranting.

"I was in a fight and it went really bad. My spinal cord was severed with a knife-" She gasps harshly, and he stops to shush her and tighten his hold on her. "Dean made a deal. He brought me back." He uses his thumb to wipe her tears away. She shakes her head – she doesn't want to listen any more.

She pushes up and kisses him, hard and desperate and he kisses her back, pulling her body up off the ground so she doesn't have to balance.

There is no asking of permission, no stopping to say "are you sure". They tug at each other's clothing, desperate and wild, needing to feel each other. They've never pushed their mental barrier this way – but they cling to each other like their world's ending. They move against each other like they are the only humans left and they love each other like they'll never have one more night together.

-x-

She hummed and danced around the ship nearly every day now. She sang and laughed and played with Kaylee.

Simon tucked her into bed one night and kissed her forehead. "I'm so happy to see you having so many good days, mei-mei."

She grinned a large grin.

"Sam is coming home." She answered, then drifted off to sleep to meet her lover.

-

He greets her by picking her up in the air and twirling her around. She squeals happily and wraps her arms around his neck when he pulls her in to kiss her breathless. Her smile is as big as his and they stare into each other's eyes, happy.

"I'm coming, qing-ren, I'm coming. I'll be there soon."

"How soon?" He asks, a grin on his face.

"Another few months. Maybe six."

He growls playfully and nips at her ear. "That's not soon enough."

She smiles and leans into all of his touches, his hands rubbing soft circles over her back. "Dean hasn't even been home three months – let him adjust before we tell him we're leaving!"

"I know, I know." He sighs and hugs her close. "I just can't wait to be able to see you."

"Soon, qing-ren. Soon."