Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Wish I did, but if you put wishes in one hand and $#!+ in the other, which do you think will fill up faster?

A/N: Yet another chapter. slow clap Opeth doesn't exactly inspire my best work, so this will probably be complete crap. Hopefully I'm wrong. Also, I'll see how far I can keep the Motley Crue themed titles going with this fic.

Chapter 2: Home Sweet Home

Harry was disturbed from a restful sleep, featuring numerous dreams about a certain female friend (including one in such detail that he was sure it was clairvoyance.) by what he initially mistook for cannon fire. He had jumped from the bed and grabbed his wand by the time the sound had died away. Unfortunately, his feet had gotten tangled in his sheets. He was silently thankful that he wasn't wearing his glasses.

"Whoa! It's just me, mate," said a very familiar voice. He almost flinched at it until he realized that Ron didn't know his new secret. He grabbed at the flesh tone blur that he assumed was Ron's hand, which pulled him up. Ron then handed Harry his glasses.

"Thanks," Harry said as he put his glasses on and looked around, expecting to see his other friend. "Ron, where's Hermione?"

Ron's face fell almost imperceptibly. "Avoiding me, I suppose. We had an argument last night."

Harry quirked an eyebrow at this. While arguments between his two best friends weren't exactly news, Hermione had never refused to be in the same room with him before. "What, pray tell, was this one about?" Harry asked.

Ron looked sheepish, "I kind of accused her of cheating--" he started, but was interrupted.

"First of all, when did you get together and why was I not told of this? And second, Hermione doesn't seem like the unfaithful type." Harry interrupted, angry at his friends for leaving him out of the loop, and for Ron insulting Hermione that way.

Ron looked puzzled, then bust out laughing. When he finally got himself back under control, he said, "Nah, nothing like that. To answer your question, we aren't together. You know as well as I do she's thrown up the 'friend block' in between us and her. No, I accused her of cheating at chess. She beat me, at my own game. No one's beaten me in almost ten years. When I tried to apologize this morning, well, I guess I must've said something wrong, because she appeared to be on the verge of accepting my apology, but then nearly ripped my head off. I think it's 'that time of the month' so you better be on your toes around her or you might end up missing a few appendages," Ron said gravely. "She's gone a locked herself in Percy's old room with Ginny, so I'm probably a dead man," he paused, then brightened. "Well, no sense dwelling on impending death, so I might as well enjoy a few last meals."

Harry smiled. Leave it to Ron to make light of a life-threatening situation. Or at least a situation where his bits were in a very real danger of being hexed off. Harry and Ron had both made more trips to the hospital wing than they cared to admit for not choosing their words carefully enough around Hermione, although while Ron usually made at least one trip every month, Harry only made the trip about once every other month.

He was shaken from his reverie by the appearance of a tall, willowy blond, normally possessing impossible beauty. Unfortunately at this point in time her features were slightly avian. Harry surmised that Fleur was madder than he'd ever seen her. He caught her muttering, "...those insufferable bints..." He had to fight the urge to laugh, particularly since they were passing the room that for the next several days was the domain of every guy's nightmare: the infamous 'Red Baron.'

When Hermione poked her head out he tensed. When he saw her smile he prepared to dodge whatever curse might come his way. Then he saw that the smile was genuine and he relaxed. Somewhat. Suddenly he was enveloped in a bone-cracking hug. He tried to reciprocate, but found his arms were pinned at his side. He was running out of oxygen.

"Hermione, I know you're happy to see me, but if you don't let go this could be the last time you see me alive. Then who'd stop you from killing Ron, huh?" She loosened her grip--barely. This was odd. All evidence pointed to this being a very dangerous time, but instead of the expected hexes, he was in danger of being smothered to death.

"Hermione, I would appreciate it greatly if you would release me and let me go get something to eat," Harry pleaded, noticing Ron's expression which was somewhere between rage and amusement. The girl finally let go. Harry breathed a sigh of relief. He took this chance to survey her. While she wasn't a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination (for which Harry was immensely grateful, considering that most supermodels looked like bony crackwhores), she had all the right curves in all the right places. Though most people called her a 'Plain Jane,' Harry was only reminded of the Sammy Hagar song by the same name, particularly the lines 'And you can call her Plain Jane/But she's driving me insane!' Harry--and he assumed Ron as well--felt that while she wasn't exactly the feminine ideal, she was more real, and all the more beautiful for it.

He was once again shaken from his reverie by his stomach rumbling. He went downstairs with Ron where Mrs. Weasley gave him enough food to feed him for the rest of the day. As he started eating, Harry commented to Ron, "That was odd. I don't think I've ever seen Hermione act like that. Usually she lets go when I ask her to the first time," he said, not that I'm complaining he added silently. After Harry was done with his meal, Hermione came downstairs, asking, "Have our O.W.L. results come in?"

Ron replied, "No, but they should be here soon."

Harry nodded, "They'll be her today in fact." He instantly knew this was the wrong thing to say. As soon as he saw the look on Hermione's face. He turned to Ron and resignedly said, "Go tell your mother to be ready to rush me to St. Mungo's," to which Ron gravely nodded and left the room.

Harry was saved from a trip to the healer's by something out the window behind him. Hermione had frozen and paled considerably. Harry was unpleasantly reminded of second year, when the basilisk petrified Hermione. Tearing his eyes away from his friend that just happened to be a girl, he turned around and saw them. Three bird shaped specks. They were getting bigger.

Wordlessly he got up to open the window to let them in. As the three owls swooped in, Ron came back into the room trailing a very worried looking Mrs. Weasley, who relaxed seeing that Harry was still intact.

Two of the owls had only one envelope, but the one in front of Ron had two. Harry figured the second one was Ginny's Hogwarts letter. Harry opened his envelope. Inside it was a parchment with his O.W.L. grades, along with his Hogwarts letter.

The grades were

Astronomy: A

Care of Magical Creatures: E

Charms: E

Defense Against the Dark Arts: O

Divination: P

Herbology: E

History of Magic: D

Potions: E

Transfiguration: E

They showed each other their results. Which was another big mistake. Though Ron was careful to keep tight-lipped about Hermione's disappointment at not getting an 'O' in D.A.D.A., Harry was not so lucky. Hermione's previous irritation had not gone away completely, and upon seeing that Harry received an Outstanding in the one course that she didn't, her rage manifested itself on her face. Luckily both boys were very attentive to her mood at this point, and ran at the first sign of trouble.

It was an interesting few days, which were very enjoyable despite having to worry about Hermione's irritability.

\m/(oo)\m/

A/N: I decided to only have Ron greet Harry, instead of Harry and Hermione. The fic will follow the books, inasmuch as will work for this fic. As for Hermione, Ron's offhand comment led to so much more. If I used British phrases that would be dated even for the time that this takes place, blame that on Monty Python and HHGttG.

Questions? Comments? Plotholes? Just put them in a review. If it has something besides just some general positive reaction, I will try to respond.

Finally, some of you may be wondering about two updates in a matter of hours. I've been working on this one off and on for about five days, so I only had some finishing touches to do. And for those who follow my other fic, "An American Wizard in Hogwarts," I really am serious that I will not update until I get nickname suggestions. At least for Matt.