AN: The idea behind this isn't mine, I got it from a work by Alwaysthestars which can be found here: s/9296380/1/Into-A-White-And-Soundless-Place It's really good and I recommend you read it. I've asked her permission for use of the idea, and so I want to thank her both for saying yes and beta-ing this for me
Kai on Daynah
I'm cold. My back aches. There's a buzzing in my ears, only it's just in my head, which is nice, because there's nothing else in there.
I don't feel the need to cry. I don't particularly want to scream. My mind is empty; stuck in glitch mode. I don't know what to do- both in the moment and long term. There's this emotion in me somewhere that my brain can't identify. It's not grief, she's not dead. It's not guilt, I know as well as the next hyper-logical computer nerd that there's nothing I could have done to stop it.
I suppose it's a sort of sadness.
There's an mp4 player in my back pocket. My fingers are tingling, and it feels strange not to have some screen to mess with. I want to be alert though, to the real world, so I sit on my hands.
I've taken to studying her, because it's a distraction from the grey mist inside my head.
Her hand is curled, like a baby's fist. I was invited to hold the baby of some distant relative once. I declined, they're so fragile and I've never been one for looking after people, physically or emotionally. I daren't touch her right now. Again I'm scared I'll break something, like the baby.
The bruise on her forehead is an angry red. I hope she's not angry at us, we got her into this... What are you Kai, some kind of artistic poet? You got her into this, and stop make artsy-fartsy connections! Her hair's all over the pillow, medusa-style. I really hope she's not angry at me. It's… not my fault!
It's not like I can tear my eyes away from her, I'm terrified she'll stir, or even wake up… and I'll miss the vital moment. That's it then, that emotion I can't identify, it's fear; not fear I recognise, I haven't been afraid like this before. I've been afraid of getting caught with my computer open at 4am, but that's just tense, I work carefully and I'm in control. I've been afraid for my life in the middle of a fight, but I'm full of adrenaline and there's so much going on I don't have to think about it, I keep busy I suppose… I've been afraid of that part of a scary film, when you know from the build-up in the music, and the heavy breathing of the protagonist that something's about to happen and it'll make you jump, but there's nothing you can do about it, you don't know when it will come, and you'll always jump anyway. That's what it is, you can only wait for the moment when it suddenly ends, there's a crash, she wakes up. Only in a film, you know for certain it's coming, you can't just sit where you are forever, and you know once it's over you'll be fine, you want to get it over with and move on. I want D to wake up, and to be better, I want to move on to the next thing because that's the thing with my brain. Waiting is not something for which I was granted a skill. The difference here is that it might not come. She might not make it.
That's something I fear far more. But the alternative is no short sharp shock either. She may stir, but that may be it. She might wake up, but she may not get up. No one dares examine the full extent of her physical injuries, for fear of doing more damage. And even if she wakes up and gets up and leads a normal life, what will she remember? What will she think? She hardly had a choice to join like the rest of us… scratch that none of us got a choice, but we were at least warned of what we were getting into before we were thrown in at the deep end. Her end was deeper than anything any of us know. It could be difficult. She could be different. She could be angry.
I don't know what I think, or what I want to say to her when she wakes up; probably something dumb about electric fish, or some insult about Hummingbirds. So full of tact aren't you?
Even if it's all OK, it's going to take a long time.