Day One

Well, it's my birthday tommorow. Turning eighteen. I was never really big on celebration, but hey, what kind of person doesn't like a day where everybody is nice to you and gives you free stuff?

Day Two

Birthday was okay. Got some cool stuff and had a lot of fun with friends at school with my camera. Although Mike was acting a bit…weird.

Day Three

He broke up with me! On the day after my birthday! That bastard. When he told me that he 'thought we should see other people', I punched him in the face. It felt good. So I punched him again. Then I kicked him in the gut and called him a douche. Then I walked home trying to remember the number of that cute Indian guy I met last year.

Day Four

I can't believe it.

Okay, what happened was that I couldn't get Jacob's number so I decided to drive down to La Push and say hi or something. And on the way there, guess who I saw? Edward-Fucking-Cullen, who had apparently gotten out of jail. I knew there was no escape now. My truck was too distinctive for him not to notice me, and notice me he did. The bastard just stands in front of my car, giving me a choice between running him over and stopping. I was about to go just fuck it and kill the guy, but the engine suddenly decides to stop working.

Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic.

So of course Creepy Stalker Dude has to go and talk to me. After the obligatory screaming and cursing, he just gives me this sad pitying look and goes, "Bella, I don't think we should be together any more."

And I'm like, "Yeah, so do I. Now go away."

So then he actually tries to kiss me, and I was about to kick him somewhere sensitive when he just pecks my forehead like in some sort of cheesy romance novel and runs off.

Fine. Fine, you freak, I'll play your little game so long as you and your psycho family stay the hell away from me.

Then my only problem was that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with a broken down car. While it was raining.

That wasn't strictly Edward's fault, but I still blamed him for it.

Day Fifty-Seven

I've been hanging out with Jacob Black a lot lately. He's…well, awesome. Like, the best friend ever. I'd ask him out, but I don't think he's into me like that. I don't want to ruin a good friendship, you know? I just hope that I'm not wrong and that he thinks I'm leading him on…man, that would be confusing.

Day Seventy-Four

Jacob asked me out.

YES!!!

Day Eight-Nine

I tried cliff-diving.

Holy shit, wow. It was totally crazy. I mean, Jacob was with me and everything, and it wasn't even that high, in calm weather (I'm not THAT stupid, tch), but it was still completely wild. I mean, honestly, jumping from a cliff. Like I was committing suicide or something.

Anyway, it was pretty fun when I think about it, although at the time it was just pants-shittingly scary.

Day Ninety

Oh my god, this family just won't leave me alone. I barely manage to get home when Alice of all people shows up on my doorsteps, babbling about how she 'foresaw' my 'suicide' with her 'psychic powers'.

"Alice," I told her, amazingly patient considering the situation. "You are crazy. Seek mental help. And tell your brother to do the same while you're at it."

"But that's just it!" she squeaked. "Edward thinks you've committed suicide!"

"So?"

"He's going to kill himself!"

"So?"

"We have to stop him!"

"Uh, no way, crazy pixie girl. I'm not going anywhere. He can go off himself if he wants to—one less creepy fucktard in the world."

A long pause.

"We have to stop him!"

I could only stare at her, deciding that she was indeed every bit the loony that Edward was. "I'm going to go now," I informed her, and started to walk in the front door when she just grabs my wrist and drags me to her car. Where the hell is she hiding those muscles?! This girl is fucking tiny! She shouldn't be able to tote me around like this! Oh, the indignity. I'm currently sitting in the passenger seat in Alice's car and she's driving so fast I can't risk opening the door and jumping out.

Why the hell have I not bought a cell phone yet? After what happened with Edward last time, too. Oh, god, I'm being kidnapped by this tiny little lunatic and I can't do anything about it.

JACOB. SOMEBODY. SAAAAAAAAVEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Day Ninety, Later

Attempts to escape Alice at the airport were unsuccessful. Yes, dear diary reader, airport. We're going on a fun trip. Weeee. According to the voucher, some place called Volterra in Italy. I suppose if I can't escape her, I can mooch off her money and take an involuntary vacation.

Yay for me.

Day Ninety, Even Later

We're on the plane.

Alice keeps getting this distant look in her eyes and explains that it means she's getting a 'vision'.

That's it. I'm jumping out of the plane, and if I can't find a parachute, so be it.

Day Ninety, Even, Even Later

Okay, so I didn't really jump. The damn flight attendant stopped me. Alice didn't seem to really notice, still being in her 'trance'. I'm passing the time by writing in this stupid diary.

Day Ninety-One

So we're in Volterra now. Cool place, there's some kind of festival going on. I was just starting to enjoy myself despite the whole, you know, being kidnapped thing, when Alice starts going batshit over Edward's supposed suicide. I didn't pay much attention because I was convinced she was a madwoman at this point, but considering how strong she actually is, I might want to be a little more observant of her and her numerous 'eccentricities'.

Day Ninety-One, Later

Well, looky there. Edward actually was here. I could hardly contain my joy when I saw him.

Hur, hur, hurrr.

Anyway, he was doing that faggoty sparkling thing again. But that aside, it was bad news, because God knows what Edward would do if he saw me.

I was just about to turn around and run far, far away when he notices me. Then his face lights up in this disgustingly adoring expression and he goes, "Bella! My love! You are alive!"

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock," I deadpanned in return, now accepting my gruesome imminent fate.

Diary, by now I'm sure you've noticed the pattern that occurs whenever Sparklefuck and I meet. He assaults me and says disgusting things about his love for me. I then proceed to hit him, swear at him and threaten to call the authorities until he eventually desists.

Just leave it to the fucktard to screw up the system I'm comfortable with.

This time, he just won't let go. At all. He's been clinging to me for the past several hours while Alice squeals happily and drives us to the airport. In fact, he's currently leaning against me with his grubby little arms around my waist while I write this diary entry. I hope he's reading what I'm writing right now so I can tell him that EDWARD I HATE YOU AND THE SECOND WE GET HOME YOUR ASS IS GETTING THROWN BACK IN JAIL, YOU MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN FUCK.

…

I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.

Day Ninety-Two

Well, we're home.

And my dad didn't believe me when I said I had been kidnapped by Alice.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

He kept going on about how it was "irresponsible to run off with Alice to see my boyfriend" and how I should have "just called him" and…okay, I can see how he would think that.

But still.

I can't believe he didn't put Sparklefuck back in prison, though. Of course, he says he got out on parole, but damn, what kind of moron on parole goes back to doing exactly what he got there for doing?!

Edward, of course. Because he's just that...urgh.

And now I'm stuck with him, on the rare moments I'm not stuck inside.

Kill me now.