Castle sat there, too stunned to move. Did that really just happen? God...what was he supposed to do? He ran a hand over his face. He felt like he was in a no win situation. He knew if he pushed her she would just pull away. On the other hand, there was obviously no way he could just simply ignore this and act like nothing happened.
Sighing, he got up and slowly walked out of the breakroom. After a quick scan, he realized she wasn't there. He walked over to Ryan and Esposito who were going over some paperwork, "Hey guys, where's Beckett?
Esposito looked up from the stack of papers, "Said she had some stuff she needed to take care of and would be gone for the rest of the day."
"Did she say where she was going?" Ryan and Esposito just gave him a look, "Ok, I know, I know. Stupid question."
"Everything ok, Castle?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, yeah. Course. Everything's fine. You know, since we don't have a case I think I'll head home, get ahead on some writing." The boys eyed him suspiciously, "I'll see you guys tomorrow."
"Later Bro." Esposito said.
As he started walking off Ryan stopped him, "Hey Castle..." When Castle turned around, he continued, "Take care of her okay? We care about her too...she's our sister."
Castle nodded, "I know. I"ll do my best."
Kate was still pacing her apartment when she heard a knock at the door. Her stomach dropped. She knew it was Castle. She just knew. She slowly walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. When her suspicions were confirmed she tightly shut her eyes, clenching her hands into fists. She could not do this right now. She could not talk to him about this. Lost in her thoughts, she jumped when he knocked again and yelled from the other side of the door, "Come on Kate, I know you're home. You can let me in or I can use my key, but I'm not leaving." She clenched her fists tighter. Ugh, this man. Why couldn't he understand she just could NOT talk about this? "Kate!"
Realizing he wasn't leaving, she hastily opened the door, "Can't you take a hint, Castle? I don't want to talk about this!" He shoved his way into her apartment without a word and closed her door behind him. "Castle!"
He took a deep breath, "Look, Kate...I understand you don't want to talk about this; don't want to re-live it...but I need to know your safe. If you don't want to talk to me about it that's fine, but you need to talk to someone. I can't just let this go without knowing your getting help, you know that."
"So if I told you I was safe and getting help, would you let it go?" Kate asked, slight annoyance still in her voice.
"That depends" he said.
"On what, Castle?"
"Whoever you are talking to...whoever you are going to to get help, are you going to tell them what happened?" Kate just shook her head yes. "You're going to be honest?"
"God! Yes, Castle! I'll tell him what happened!"
"When are you going?"
"That's none of your business Castle!"
"How is making sure you're safe not by business Kate!?"
"Fine, I go tomorrow, ok?! Are you satisfied?"
Castle nodded, "For now..." He wanted to make her promise she wouldn't cut until she talked to whoever it was that was helping her. Hell, he wanted to make her promise she would never do it again, but he knew he couldn't make her promise that. That was a sure fire way of having her push him away. All he could do is hope she would let him stay with her for a little while so he could keep an eye on her, and if she was going to see someone tomorrow...hopefully they would help. "So, uh...if I promise to let it go now and move on, can I stay and keep you company? We can watch a movie...and oh, I totally need a rematch in scrabble! That word you played last week...totally not a word!"
Kate finally gave a slight smile, "It was in the dictionary, Castle!"
"Well...the dictionary was wrong!" he smiled back.
She scoffed. "Ok, you can stay...but only because I want to prove I can beat you fair and square!"
He smiled. Thank God. He was letting her stay. At least he could keep her company for a little while. As long as she didn't get overwhelmed, hopefully she would be fine. He knew she would never admit it, but she looked a little relieved to have company...to not be alone.
Kate sat in front of Dr. Burke, her leg shaking anxiously.
"How are you doing today, Kate? How was your week."
"Uhm...I"m ok. It was ok."
"Care to elaborate?" She just looked down. After a few minutes of silence he continued, "Did something happen this week, Kate?" She looked up at him and by the look in her eyes, he knew there was something going on, "Kate, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened."
"I..." her mouth suddenly felt like it was full of cotton, "I can't..."she said softly, looking down again.
He nodded his head in understanding, "Do you want me to give you some choices?" She shook her head yes. She knew she had to tell him but she just couldn't say it. "Ok, are we talking about cutting?" Her head snapped up in shock. She couldn't believe he got it on the first try. Dr. Burke knew by her reaction he had guessed right, "Kate, did you have an episode where you cut yourself?" She nodded her head slightly.
"Ok," he said calmly, "What did you use?"
Kate was surprised...that was his first question? Really, not...'why would you do that' or 'how many times'..."I...I'm not trying to be difficult but...does that matter?"
"Well, if there is a specific object that you use, we discuss staying way from it."
"Scissors," she said softly.
"And how did you feel when you were doing it?
"I just...I didn't know what else to do. I was so overwhelmed with everything and so upset and it was just so intense and I just...I couldn't talk to anyone because no one would understand so it was the only thing I could do and I...I felt better and worse at the same time...I didn't feel the intensity and I didn't feel so overwhelmed but I felt guilty and I just...I don't know..."
"Well, you know I am not here to berate you, you know that is the last thing I would ever do. But that guilt you were feeling...that was appropriate guilt. You did something you knew, deep down, you shouldn't do." Kate just nodded her head, unable to speak, "Can you pinpoint what caused the overwhelming, intense emotion? Was it something that happened, or was it a thought?"
They spent the next 50 minutes discussing the thoughts that led to the overwhelming, intense emotions and by the end of the session, Kate was totally fried.
"Ok Kate, I just want to remind you that you can call me anytime. I'm always on call, so if you feel that way again, and you try the techniques and coping skills we talked about and it isn't working, call me ok?
"I...I would feel bad bother you at home..I mean..."
"Kate," he interrupted gently, "this is my job. This is what I signed up for...I chose this. And I much rather you call then cut, ok?" Kate simply nodded, "Ok, so does that mean you'll call."
"Yes, I'll call."
"Ok. I"ll see you next week. Take care, Kate."
Kate ran her hand through her hair...she definitely needed a distraction right now. She always felt horrible after therapy sessions and today was no different...it was actually worse. As she got in her car she thought about the things on her list of distractions and ways to cope and she decided she would go home and change and go for a run. Castle was at the bottom of the list...Burke making her pick at least two friends she could call when she was feeling like cutting. Not to talk about how she was feeling, necessarily...just to strike up a conversation so she could re focus. She put Lanie and Castle...but now that Castle knew...she didn't know how she would ever face him again. She tried to act normal last night and she'll admit, she had a little fun. But the more she thought about it, the more embarrassed she was he knew. She couldn't face him...she just couldn't. So...she would run. She would run until the overwhelming sense of emotion and desperation and was replaced with exhaustion. She would run and run as long as she could.
A/N: I want to thank those of you who have followed/favorited. I would also like to thank those who reviewed for their kind words. I know it might seem like Castle should have done more...but don't forget Kate is an adult and treating her like she is broken and hovering will just make her pull away. Again, thank you for reading and thanks for the kind words-they mean alot to me.