Neither The Big O nor the Haruhi Suzumiya series of novels, comics, or cartoons are owned by the author. No profit can be made from this story in any way.

THE BIG H:

Act Two: Mikuru, Mikuru.

This city, Overmind City, is a city of forgetfulness. Did I tell you that already? I forget. When I got home to stately Smith Manor, I was greeted by my butler, Itsuki Koizumi.

"Greetings Master Kyon," he smiled with his eyes closed as he took my gloves and tie. I have no idea how he navigates with his eyes closed like that. He must be psychic. "How was your negotiation with the kidnappers?"

It went great. Now you know why I'm known as Overmind City's top negotiator.

"I must say, you look really good in a sharp black suit," he said as he leaned in close to me.

Whoa! Too close dude! Give me some personal space already. Okay. So I look good in a black suit. What's your point?

"Why do you insist that we wear green jackets with red ties? It looks tacky."

Koizumi, I'm going to explain it one more time. As a professional, I have to maintain a professional image. I can't very well show up to a negotiation wearing a tee shirt.

"Yes, but why these outfits? We look like high school students or security guards or something."

You're just a butler. You don't understand my sense of style.

"There's a lot of things I don't understand," he admitted as his plastic smile returned. "For example, the reason no one in this city has any memories. Wouldn't it be strange if the reason we have no memories past three years ago is because three years ago the world didn't exist? What if we're all characters in a TV show, or the product of some beautiful girl's wild fantasy; that would be weird wouldn't it?"

Not as weird as this conversation. Why? Do you think that's what the world is? A TV show that's really a beautiful girl's wild fantasy or something?

"No, I just thought it would be strange if it was that's all."

I groaned and covered my forehead with my hand.

"By the way Master Kyon, there's a beautiful girl waiting for you upstairs. I think she wants to hire you."

You let her in without my permission?

"Yes. I did."

Are you crazy? She could rob the place while you're not looking!

"But those were your instructions," he smiled. "You said it was okay to let in beautiful girls without waiting for your permission."

Damn. Being a teenage boy can be a pain in the ass sometimes. We're so horny that we're stupid.

When I went upstairs I saw a small slender girl with nice legs staring out the window. I cleared my throat and straightened my tie. I look good in this and I know it, whatever Koizumi thinks. I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Miss… oh it's you. The robot girl. Miss Nagato is it? What can I do for you?

"I would like you to protect me."

Protect you? Lady, I'm a negotiator, not a bodyguard. I don't even have a license to carry a gun. I'm sorry Miss Nagato; I think you're looking for someone else to handle this job. I recommend Spike Spiegel, the professional bounty hunter.

"The job is yours, John Smith." There was something about the way she said it that bothered me. Something final. Oh, wait! It was that calm creepy android monotone she said it with. That must be it.

From behind me, my smiling butler came up the stairs. "So sorry to intrude, but it looks like you've got another visitor Master Kyon," Koizumi smiled as he came in. "Lieutenant Mikuru Asahina. She wishes to speak with you."

Lieutenant Asahina! She's so cute! I'll see her immediately, Koizumi!

"Very good Master Kyon," he bowed without opening his eyes or losing his fake smile. "By the way don't you think it's strange that Overmind City looks like New York City but with huge geodesic domes that cover entire neighborhoods? Not only that but have you noticed that all the car and clothing styles are circa 1959 but humanoid androids walk among us like it's no big thing? Makes you think doesn't it? It's almost as if this world was fabricated according to a certain sense of style."

So what does it mean?

"It could mean that the world has been destroyed by some catastrophe, and that everyone you see are really clones of the people who lived here before. It could mean that people are grown like tomatoes and given the memories of the people who lived before so they would be able to walk and talk and read and drive cars and think they were adults when they are really just three years old. It could mean that we're all just an experiment and can be destroyed and replaced with duplicates that would look just like us or perhaps we're already just duplicates of the people who came before. We might not even be clones, we could be androids like Miss Nagato here wouldn't that be strange if it was true?"

No! It would be horrible! Oh my God! Is it true? Are we really just three year old copies of the people who came before?

"I haven't the slightest idea," he chuckled as he scratched the back of his neck. "I was just asking if it would be strange if it was true, that's all. Why? Do you think we're all copies of people who came before?"

Thanks for nothing, Koizumi. Now I'll freak out every time I see a tomato.

"Wait 'till you hear my ideas about barcodes!"

I don't want to hear it.

When I reached the sitting room on the ground floor I saw a beautiful girl waiting for me. You meet a lot of beautiful girls in the negotiating business. Is negotiating a great job or what?

Hi there Lieutenant. What can I do for you today?

Mikuru Asahina turned from where she was looking at the pictures on my mantel. She looked so adorable in her little military uniform! It looked like one of those sexy Halloween costumes with its tight, pleated blouse and short skirt! "Oh! Hello! K-kyon…" she said shyly. I have to admit, this girl's so hot that I get pretty bashful myself, but she's so timid I have no idea why she joined the Military Police.

Make yourself at home, Miss Asahina. Would you like a little drink to steady your nerves? If you're on duty, I could get you tea or…

"That's okay," she shook her head as she clasped her hands helplessly. "Kyon, I've got bad news, and I'm not allowed to tell you 'cause it's classified information, but it concerns you and I have to tell you. Do you understand?

Sure Miss Asahina. I understand. Just relax and tell me what you can.

"I want you to be careful, because somebody is going around and killing Overmind City's professional negotiators. We have a lead but it's classified information. We think we know the method but it's classified information. We've got a few suspects but I can't tell you their names because it's classified information. I wish I could give you more details but I can't. Do you understand?"

Sure. I understand... Wait. Did you just say that somebody is murdering professional negotiators?

"Only the male ones under the age of twenty. Someone is carving them up with a combat knife," she said before she gasped and put her hands over her soft, red, pouty, deliciously kissable lips. "Oh! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have told you that. That's classified information…"

You're so cute! Er… I mean I won't tell anyone if you won't. Thanks for the heads up, Lieutenant. I appreciate it.

"You're welcome Kyon," she smiled sweetly. "Just remember what I said and try to forget it, okay? As a Lieutenant in the Military Police I see a lot of classified information that I'm not allowed to tell you. Well take care and try to be careful. I got to get back on duty. And whatever you do, stay away from the factory owned by Keiichi Tamaru, the head of the Esper Company."

Keiichi Tamaru eh? Isn't he the eccentric millionaire who lives on that island who hosts an Agatha Christie style murder mystery every year?

"That's classified," she pouted before gasping in surprise. "Oh wait! It's not! It's public knowledge! Well goodbye Kyon, and try to keep out of trouble. Leave this case to the military police, pretty please?"

After she left and my blood pressure got back to normal I went to the garage and got in the car but was surprised when Miss Nagato joined me. "You're going to Keiichi Tamaru's factory, aren't you?" she said as she shut the passenger door.

Do I have to make you get out?

"You may try but I doubt a mere human would have the strength."

Fine. But first I'm going to the park to talk with an informant.

My informant was a bodacious redhead in her midtwenties who I nicknamed Big B**bs. Big B**bs smiled pleasantly as she wore a blouse with a low neckline that let me see the mole in her round, perfect, voluptuous cleavage. So cute!

"Hi there Kyon," she smiled as she sat on the park bench and read the newspaper. "Who's your little buddy? Is she your new girlfriend?"

Hardly. I looked over at Miss Nagato. She was sitting at nearby park bench reading a book.

I'm working on the negotiator murders. What's the connection with the killer and Keiichi Tamaru?

"Ooh I'd leave that one alone if I were you," she smiled sweetly with only a hint of condescension. "Overmind City's famous muckraking reporter was working on two stories when he disappeared. The Negotiator Killer and Keiichi Tamaru's factory."

'Famous muckraking reporter?' You mean Computer Club President, the guy who works for Overmind Press?

"The same," she nodded, causing her breasts to shift their weight and me to miss the next things she said. Negotiation is a great gig but it stinks being a teenage boy. This girl gets me so horny I have to change my underwear after I talk to her. "You have a change of underwear?"

Damn! Did I say that out loud?

"You'll need it after I tell you about the Negotiator Killer," she said seriously. "Each of the victims was carved up with a combat knife. The remains are so gory, the investigating officer fainted."

The investigating officer wouldn't be Mikuru Asahina would it? That girl fainted at a robbery once. By the way, are you two related? I swear you look just like each other. You could be sisters!

Big B**bs giggled, and I damn near got a nosebleed. "Kyon, you keep asking me that. Just think of me as her mysterious sibling who ran away from home, like Racer X from Speed Racer. You mustn't tell her about me, remember?"

I remember. So are you her big sister who ran away from home?

"That's classified," she scolded and flashed one of her dazzling smiles. For some reason her smiles don't bother me as much as Koizumi's.

Wow! You even sound like her! If you weren't all grown up I'd think you were Lieutenant Asahina!

"Aren't you going to ask me about Keiichi Tamaru?"

Oh yeah. Tell me about him.

"Word on the street is that Keiichi Tamaru has a factory that is secretly making illegal items, including giant robots. President was working on the story before he disappeared."

Okay, thanks. Here is your payment.

"Thank you," she said as she took the envelope of money I handed her. "And my next bet will be Lucky Star for the split, Cutie Honey for the third, and Pretty Sammy to come in first."

How do you do it? Every time I lay a bet for you it comes out exactly the way you said it would. It's like you're from the future or something.

"That's classified," she giggled girlishy. Oh Big B**bs, I am so in love right now…

"Kyon? You who! Kyon? Are you okay?" she said as she waved her hand in front of my face.

Sorry. You're just so alluring I spaced out there. Is my nose bleeding?

"No," she shook her head, causing the load in her shirt to bobble slightly. "Not this time. Isn't it strange that you get so many nosebleeds all the time?"

Not all the time.

"Really?" her beautiful eyes blinked at me. "You always seem to get them while I'm around."

Uh yeah. Go figure.

On a desk filled with hourglasses a phone rings. Kyon's hand picks up the receiver and Koizumi's voice whispers:

Next: R.A.