Chapter 2
"Kingship has changed you…"
It is more the tone than the voice that brings Laurent out of his thoughts.
He looks at his councilor, a hot wave of anger rises in his chest at the poorly hidden pity on her face.
This is another of the many things that Damen has changed. Contaminated. Destroyed. 'Cultivated' a thought whispers.
His anger, his madness now boils inside him, like a volatile acid rather than the freezing crystalizing, blizzard that it used to be.
He wants to wring Vannes' neck with his hands. And it makes him even angrier that this is what he wants.
Is there no escape from these barbaric impulses? His rational-self despairs dramatically.
No, there is always an escape. If he would just stop feeling.
But that has always been his problem. He has always felt too much.
Feeling is a sure-fire death of reason.
Since when did his inner-most secrets become common known facts for others to comment upon? Harp on?
"Change is essential for progress. I think we can all do with a little change." He says calmly.
The look in her eyes changes with his utterance.
A little respect shows through, and it's encouraging.
He forgives her a little. Another change brought by Damen. Vannes is a vital part of his council. But lately she has been too intent on looking behind his veil. She is experienced and sharp enough to see how it is depleting his strength.
He grits his teeth at his unintended show of affection that the wedding invitation has caused in the fortnight since its arrival, but he is trying to gain back ground.
He has his dignity and she has her place which she should be watching. Perhaps a rebuke is in order he thinks.
He shoots a look at her, subtle enough to be informing but not insulting. Not at this stage.
"How is Aquitart treating Prince Torveld?"
He asks Herode, washing his already clean fingers in the bowl. He doesn't think he can stand the sight of food for a moment more. Another give-away of the turmoil inside him.
"He's been on a few hunting trips. Has been negotiating a deal with a local breeder on supplying steeds to improve his mountain regiment's patrolling reach. He's been very generous, his soldiers have been aiding the locals in building reinforcements to the outer walls of the castle, and also in training the green recruits in your majesty's garrison settled at Aquitart, with the recent changes there have been quite a few volunteers coming in from the local villages. It is estimated that by coming winter, the garrison may be a Thousand strong."
How Laurent wishes he could go to Aquitart. Away from court, in his own little corner of the world and relive the pleasant memories made there in peace.
This desire, he assures himself has nothing to do with how he would be halfway closer to Ios. Perhaps half better at peace.
Vannes pulls him out of his thoughts again.
"My king, the Kyros of Ios will depart from Merlas with his retinue on the morrow in order to officially bring you the invitation of your Brother King's wedding according to the Veretian traditions. Radal informs me that all preparations are underway for his stay at the palace." Vannes says with a blank face, nodding at Radal who stands to the side, hands held in front, in perfect posture. How Damen had struggled under Radal's tutelage. The memory of it strange and hollowing for Laurent.
"I don't think I need to stress on the importance of everything being flawless. My brother king is to marry and I want everyone to see how we rejoice in his happiness. The games, the feasts, prepare everything as perfectly as you would if it was your own king's royal wedding."
Just because Laurent's emotions are all over the place since the arrival of the announcement, it does not mean that his policies are all over the place too.
He is taking refuge behind elaborate customs, temporary as that refuge may be.
He needs to catch his breath, stifle this internal bleeding before he jumps into the melee of wills against Damianos again.
"Your will shall be done my king." Radal bows reverently.
If Damen wants a wedding. He will have a wedding. Vere has always taken pride in its extravagance. And Laurent knows how this very Veretian flamboyance and extravagance chafes at Damen's simplistic Akielon sensibilities.
Sometimes Laurent's schemes are nothing but an impulse, and instinct.
He is still undecided in his diagnosis.
He still is on boundary regarding the intention behind Damianos' wedding.
Naturally and politically, it is important for Damianos to wed and provide the throne with an heir. Nikandros' sister is an ideal candidate to provide Akielos with an heir and be its queen.
Even his own council has brought up this topic time and time again since his settling the court at Arles.
Yet.
An undeniable part of him feels as if this wedding is Damianos' retaliation towards him. A punishment. And by making the wedding a spectacle Laurent will embrace his punishment so vehemently that it will give even Damen a pause as to what to make of it.
Yet.
Another stubbornly hopeful and probably foolish part of him whispers that perhaps Damen wants him to retaliate, fight back against this wedding and try to reclaim Damen for his own. Perhaps this wedding is Damen's attempt to force Laurent to declare his feelings for Damen. To beg and plead. Break down that wall Damen has built around his heart. Perhaps it's natural even. Now that Damen has taken Laurent's ability to build walls around his heart and soul, that Laurent should borrow Damen's ability to ram and break through those walls.
It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
Always being forced to change himself. To become what he isn't.
He is always at war with himself. With what is his duty and what he desires?
He never wanted to fight. He was made to. At expense of his love for knowledge.
He never wanted to be king. He was forced to become one. At expense of his beloved brother.
He never wanted to love. He was forced to. At expense of his dignity and secrecy.
Now he has to earn back that love, if it even is possible? If he should give space to that hope, if he is being forced to, it will be at the expense of going against his very own nature.
But Laurent will not give in to all of it without at least embarrassing Damen a little bit by making his 'wedding' a spectacle.
If Damen is setting a board again, if he lets himself hope again, then Laurent is going to play, but he will play by his own rules.
He might lose again.
And badly.
But he might win.
Damen loves him, he knows this as he knows that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
And Laurent has been brutal with Damen's heart.
Careless, because he never thought that Damen would ever give him up.
He never thought there was a limit to Damen's endurance against Laurent's vicious blows.
He deserves to be punished, but when has he ever given weight to what is deserved?
He wants Damen. Wants to be the only one that possesses Damen.
Because the harsh truth of the matter is, where Damen has a big enough heart to give away again and again, and Laurent knows that Damen will love him forever. It will not stop him from loving Rhona.
But Laurent will only ever love Damen.
His heart is only big enough to contain Damen inside it.
His heart is not strong enough to give Damen up.
His heart is not brave enough to sacrifice himself one more time.
His heart will never recover from this blow. It will implode and perhaps turn him into a monster.
It will turn him into his uncle.
An unfeeling, craven, scheming, disgusting and self-serving creature.
Because all of the good that has been in Laurent before meeting Damen, and all of that Damen awoke in him will die with this blow.
He knows his propensity to cruelty.
He knows how far he can go. And went.
And he did that to the man he loves with all of his heart.
If he loses Damen for good, he will never be able to reconcile his own cruelty with himself. If Damen does not forgive him and does not love him back, he will rot inside.
No. He is wrong.
He will be worse than his uncle.