Chapter Two: Snitchy's Ramble

The evening came of swifter than a swiffler drunk on decomposed weasel-juice, and Harry quickly found himself confined to his bedroom.

"No funny business," Uncle Vernon told him sharply. Harry held his tongue from the urge to point out that locking an underage boy in his room to prevent him annoying a travelling toupee salesman WAS funny business.

As soon as his uncle had descended the stairs, Harry turned to his bed.

With a loud POP, a small and weird looking creature, somewhat resembling a Mr. Potato Head, appeared on his bed.

"Wh- wh- What are you?" Harry stuttered in surprise, shock, astonishment, amazement, disbelief and various mixtures of those emotions.

"I am Snitchy," said the creature. "I am a house elf. And I came to warn Harry Potter sir, that he must not go back to Hogwimps!" And for no particular discernable reason, the house elf began to whomp itself around the head with a croquet bat.

"Oi!" Harry yelled, snatching the croquet bat. "That's for my personal use!"

Snitchy raised an eyebrow. "And what, pray, does Mr Harry Potter sir use a croquet bat for?

Harry hastily shoved his Dursley voodoo dolls under the bed with his foot. "Erm – it's strictly for decorational purposes - but look here, you can't stay. You need to go now." Snitchy's lower lip wobbled.

Suddenly remembering his manners, Harry added hastily - "Not that I'm pleased to have you, Snitchy, you're very - very -"

Snitchy could put on mighty endearing puppy eyes when he wanted to.

"Very potato-like," finished Harry, "and I love potatoes, oh yes, very much..." he trailed off awkwardly.

Snitchy stared.

"You know, potatoes are really lovely when hacked into small pieces and deep-fried-"

"Mr Potter Sir, Snitchy is highly honoured to hear with his unworthy ears your wonderful ramblings of such an excellent tuber! But I must repeat myself, you must not return to Hogwimps."

It was Harry's turn to stare. "Are you nuts?? If I continue to stay here and eat from the Dursley's dinner table I'll become a vegetable!"

"And join Snitchy in a veggie-partnership, sir?" said the house-elf hopefully.

"Look - I have to go back to Hogwimps. My friends are there, like Rhon, Hiphag, and almost Hermitwo as well."

"But there is great danger brewing, sir...great danger that you should not bring yourself into!"

Harry waved an airy hand. "If you're talking about Six Fish, I can vouch that I thrashed Finnigan the last three times -"

"I am not referring to immature adolescent games of flatulence. There is a plot - a plot to make the most terrible things happen at horrible, yea and verily, more terrible even than the great Dandruff Epidemic of 1634. I have tried to deter you already...I had the honour of adding just a little, ah, liquid discomfort to your most revered candy for the greater good..."

"It was YOU who sent me the arsenic-laced nerds!" said Harry, outraged.

Snitchy looked nervous. "Promise me you won't go back to Hogwimps, Mr Harry Potter sir." From behind his back his pulled a candy cane. Harry swiped for it and missed.

Snitchy ran out of his room, into the corridor, down the stairs, with Harry blindly following him, muttering the word 'sugar' repeatedly under his breath. So great was his delusion that as he made a turn into the smacked right into a stack of toupees being presented to Uncle Vernon.

"Alas!" cried Archihairy (the salesman.) "The only wigs in the world made out of the finest panda ear-fluff money can buy, ruined!"

Uncle Vernon's face took upon the likeness of a blue beetroot, his usual colour when he felt some measure of agitation. "POTTER!"

Harry swallowed. "Neep."

"Very true, boy," said Vernon grimly, "I'm glad you perceive the direness of your situation."

"Eep."

"You judge rightly - you shall be locked in your bedroom for the rest of the summer and never return to that hippy school of yours again. Oh, don't worry, we'll give you meals...when we feel like it." And with a rather nasty grin, he dragged Harry up the stairs and padlocked his door as securely as it was possible for Muggles.

When he had finally hammered in the tenth bolt, taped up the sides with sticky tape, and, for extra measure, placed two small porcupines on sentry duty outside, Harry decided it was time to mention that he wasn't actually inside the room yet, and waved his hand in front of his Uncle's face to prove his point.