"I'm fine," Ruth mumbled as she looked away from him wiping her eyes. "Ruth your in tears, your not fine," Jay said as he wiped her cheek slowly and lovingly. Ruth looked at him and sighed. "I can't do this Jay," Ruth said as she got up and started to shake uncontrollably.
"Can't do what Ruth?" Jay said as he looked at her, "talk to me Ruth, don't shut me out please." Ruth turned and looked at him looking as white as a sheet and ran to the sink and was violently sick. Jay started to rub her back supportingly. "Its OK," Jay whispered as Ruth hung her head in shame. "It's not OK," Ruth whispered as she poured her coffee down the sink, "how the hell can I be a mother Jay? Look at me, what kind of mother am I going to be?"
"The best," Jay said as he looked at her seriously, "you are going to be the best mother you can be, and I am going to be with you the whole way." Ruth looked at him and sighed. "You don't get it do you Jay?" Ruth asked as she sat down on the couch and sighed. "Talk to me Ruth, please, I want to help and look after you, I promised you yesterday didn't I?" Jay saida s he looked seriously at her.
"How can I be a mother when I don't know what a mother does, I have never had one, who would want me as a mother, whats if I go all schitzo again and start cutting peoples heads open, who the hell would want that as there mum," Ruth said as she looked at him seriously, he could see the fear in her eyes, the fear of a relapse and the fear of her body changing and having no control over it and the fear of being a mother.
"I don't want to be like my mum, I don't want to let my child down, be so off my head on drugs and booze that I don't know my kids names, I don't want you to get so sick of me that you go off to the pub and go with the most beautiful girls out there, normal girls, girls who don't hurt you, look at me Jay, I'm a mess," Ruth whispered as she turned away and banged her head on her locker in frustration.
Jay gently pulled her into his arms and hugged her so tightly he thougth he might suffocate her. "Ruth, I love you I don't want anyone else but you, you won't like our child down, drugs you aren't a druggie, your the bravest person I know, your so brave and I am so proud of you Ruth," Jay said as tears sprung his eyes as he heard her cries muffle in his scrubs. "I don't want our baby to find me hanging from a ceiling," Ruth whispered as she shook uncontrollably.
Jay pulled her chin up and looked at her seriously tears falling down his own cheeks, he hated seeing her so broken and so scared. "I found her... I tried so hard to undo the ropes but I couldn't Jay, I really tried I did," Ruth whispered up to him. "I know," Jay said as he wiped her tears with his thumb and kissed her gently, "Ruth look at me, you are going to be the most amazng mother in the world, you are nothing like your mum, nothing."
"I tried to do it, I tried to kill myself just like Mum did, how can you say that?" Ruth asked as she looked at him panic in her eyes, "Whats if I have a relapse and do it and she finds me and she is scarred for life, what if she tries to do it like I did, I can't do that to her, to you." Jay looked at her his face full of concern. "You won't do it again, because I am here, I am not your Dad, I will never be like your Dad, I am going to do everything to look after you both, because this is what I want, us, you me and the baby," Jay said as he stroked her cheek lovingly, "let me look after you, let me protect you, I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with myself and my happiness, I didn't see you were struggling."
Ruth looked at him and stroked her cheek. "I love you," she whispered as she looked into his eyes, "I love you so much and I just don't know what I would do if you ever left me again, walked off and left me like you have done before." Jay sighed as he looked at her. "Never again," he whispered, "lets take you home, no arguements, you look shattered, let me look after you." Jay held out his hand and Ruth looked at him and took it as they walked out the staff room and out of the hospital Charlie looked at them and smiled to himself.