Rejection

It has been four days since what happened between Rose, me, and the lust charm. I hadn't seen or talked to Rose since that night. After what happened between us, I thought it was best that we didn't see each other for a while. I had even resisted my urges to go visit Rose while she was in the infirmary that day after the raid on Victor. I also had sent her a message informing her that I could no longer train her. How far we had gone the other night had changed everything with Rose. And no matter how much I wanted to be with Rose, I knew Rose and me could never be together. I felt like all those hours alone training her was only asking for trouble and would only reinforce feelings that we could never share.

It saddens me that I wasn't going to train her anymore. I knew I could have made her into an excellent guardian. But it was just too dangerous to risk. It would have been hard enough keeping my focus with her after the passion we shared, but I knew Rose, and I knew she would constantly test me until my will power broke and that just couldn't happen.

Another reason I had avoided her these four days, I was going to have to make her see we couldn't be together and I didn't want to see her get hurt. I know eventually I have to talk to her because Rose deserved that but what I was going to say was going to hurt her. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Rose but I didn't see any way around it. That's why it was so hard to make myself go talk to her. I had tried now multiple times, but each time I pictured Rose with a hurt look on her face and my will would break.

This was one of those times. I had been on my way to find Rose but decided against it not able to force myself to go. So instead I decided to go to the gym, to work out the frustration I was feeling about Rose.

I walked into the gym heading towards the dressing room when I saw her…. Rose. I froze instantly my pulse quickened making my blood rush thru my veins. That's when she looked up and noticed me. She froze just like I had with a look of surprise on her face. That's when our eyes met and the same passion we had shared the other night came to life between us. And with that my knees buckled and whatever strength I had, drained out of me. I can't do it, I can't do it was all I said over and over in my head.

I diverted my gaze to the floor and started towards the changing room. As I walked pass her, I thought, Rose didn't deserve to be treated this way and ignored. She deserved some explanation from me. I stopped, taking in a deep breath trying to gather any strength I could, to control the emotions raging inside me. I turned.

"Rose…" I paused, for what seemed like forever trying to force the words out of my mouth, "you need to report what happened with us." I instantly could tell that this wasn't what she wanted to hear but I just kept telling myself it had to be done.

"I can't do that. They'll fire you or worse."

"They should fire me. What I did was wrong."

"You couldn't help it. It was a spell…" Rose said. Rose didn't know how lust charms worked which meant she didn't know my true feelings for her.

"It doesn't matter. It was wrong and stupid." I said seeing Rose bite her lip.

"Look it's not a big deal." She said flatly trying hard to hide her emotions.

"It is a big deal! I took advantage of you." I said.

"No", Rose said, "You didn't" being her usual stubborn self. I decided I had to change tactics.

"Rose, I'm seven years older than you. In ten years that won't mean so much, but for now, it's huge. I'm an adult, you're just a child." I said, which technically by Moroi Law she was, but I didn't see here that way. I saw her flinch at those words hating to be called a child.

"You didn't seem to think I was a child when you were all over me." She said this time making me flinch. I should have seen that coming, that was a typical Rose response.

"Just because your body…" unable to finish the sentence due to an image of her naked body popping into my head, "Well, that doesn't make you an adult. We're in two different places in our lives. I have experienced different things. I've been out in the world. You haven't, your life is just starting."

She just stared at me not able to answer back. I kept going, knowing if I stopped I wouldn't have the courage to finish.

"Even if you choose not to tell, you need to understand that it was a mistake and it isn't ever going to happen again." I stated in a matter of fact tone.

"Because you're too old for me? Because it isn't responsible." She said with a crack to her voice.

My heart started breaking but I sucked it up and knew what I said next would destroy her.

"No because I'm just not interested in you that way." I said flatly

She stared at me. I saw the water brimming at the edge of her eyes, trying to hold back the tears. I could tell she wanted to say something but was on the verge of crying. She just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah, understood." Then she turned and walked out not wanting me to see her cry.

Her last words punched me in the gut. I felt so dead inside. I hated what I just did to Rose especially since all of it was a lie. There was nothing in the world, I wanted more than Rose. I would have given anything to be able to be with her but it just wasn't possible. I sat down on the mat in the gym floor looking down with my head between my hands. And for the first time since leaving my family in Russia, I cried.