During dinner that day Amy and Ashley were both quiet.
"Guys, is something up?" their mom asked.
"No, no nothing's up," Amy said all too quickly.
"Are you sure?" their mom asked.
"Y…yes mom, I'm sure," Amy said.
"I'm not hungry," Ashley said and pulled her chair out and stood up.
"Me either," Amy said.
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In Ashley's room
"You have to tell her, Amy," Ashley said.
"No," Amy said. "Besides, it's been two weeks since the bastards attacked me. It's not like they're gonna go after me again…"
"You can't keep this inside of you," Ashley said. She could tell that there was deep-seated pain in Amy's eyes. She was trying so hard to hold it in but Ashley knew that the shadow would explode.
"I'm o..o…over it, r..really," Amy insisted.
"Then how come you're stuttering? You always stutter whenever you're hiding something or lying," Ashley said.
Amy looked down at the floor. She didn't want anyone to know what happened to her. So far Ashley was the only one who knew, and Amy hoped to keep it that way. Except…she was pregnant. Well, she didn't have to tell anyone that she was raped. She would just pretend that the father of her baby was some random kid from school. That drummer boy, Ricky, was kind of hot. Amy winced. He wasn't hot. She couldn't stand the thought of any boy touching her right now.
"Amy?" Ashley asked again, noticing that Amy was in some sort of trance. "What are you thinking about?"
"I'm…" Amy started.
"What?" Ashley asked.
Amy shook her head. She collapsed to the ground and held her head and she felt like he was on top of her all over again. "No, no, no…!" she screamed, shaking back and forth violent. It wasn't until she felt Ashley's gentle hands holding her that she realized that she was safe, she was in Ashley's room, she was just having a panic attack. That had happen off and on since it happened. She relived her attack over and over again in her mind.
"Shh," Ashley whispered. "You're safe."
"Ash?" Amy asked.
"Yeah?" Ashley replied.
"I'm…I'm pregnant."
Silence invaded the room for a few brief moments. Then Ashley said, "Then you have to tell…"
"No I don't," Amy said.
"But people will notice when you…um….get bigger," Ashley said.
"They don't have to know that it was…." Amy started but didn't finish the sentence. She didn't want to say the word. She just wanted to forget about it.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Later that night, around 11 p.m.
Amy couldn't sleep. She walked down to the kitchen and poured a glass of orange juice. She was tired of the nightmares. She wished she could just abandon sleep forever. She wanted to be awake and alert. She wanted to be strong; she didn't want to be seen as a victim. That was why she couldn't tell anyone. She couldn't face the truth. She couldn't face that she hadn't been able to overpower him; that she hadn't been able to escape.
Amy sat down at the kitchen table and thought about how messed up her life was. Once she started showing the whole school was going to think that she was a slut. Unless she told the truth, and then, of course, they would treat her like a victim, and she didn't want that.
Amy's body seized up when she heard footsteps, but when she heard the refrigerator door open she quickly glanced over and realized it was only her mother.
"What are you doing up?" Amy's mother asked. Amy heard the concern lodged in her mother's voice but she just wanted so badly for everything to be okay. She couldn't remember if the two men had threatened to come after her again. They probably wouldn't. But she couldn't stop thinking about it. Every ounce of her body begged for her to give in and tell her mother so she can feel safe in her mother's arms but she just couldn't.
"I couldn't sleep," Amy sighed.
"Me either," her mother said.
"You were fighting with dad." Amy's voice was a monotone.
The silence was so damn loud. Amy wanted to scream. She kept her thoughts inside of her. No one needed to know. They probably wouldn't care. Maybe they would even think that she was lying.
"You don't even care about Ashley and me anymore," Amy said. She tried to stop tears from falling down her face, but she couldn't stop her body's natural reaction.
"Of course I do…. Come here, honey," Amy's mom said in a soothing voice as she pulled Amy into a hug. Amy sat there, frozen and sobbing, ashamed that she was crying and scared that her mother knew the truth.
"I love you, Ames. Everything will be alright. I love you and your daddy loves you. Just because we fight with each other doesn't mean we don't love you."
Amy was shaking. She couldn't help it. She wanted to say something but her vocal cords were paralyzed. She felt herself nodding and heard herself utter the methodical words, "I love you, everything's alright, I'm going up to bed now."
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At school the next day, Amy tried to focus but she couldn't. She avoided Grace in the hallways because she didn't want Grace to figure out her secret. Grace was a goody-goody Christian girl; she had probably read the whole book too, so she would know that Tess had been raped by Alec and ended up pregnant as a result. What scared her the most was the fact that near the end Tess ends up in a relationship with Alec, but ends up killing him.
"Amy," Madison asked when the two of them were standing in the hallway when the lunch bell had finally rung.
"What?" Amy asked.
"You're hiding something," Madison said, pulling her into the girl's bathroom and making sure no one was in any of the stalls.
"No I'm not," Amy insisted.
"Then why won't you tell me who knocked you up?" Madison asked.
"He didn't knock me up, he…he….never mind," Amy said.
"No, what? Tell me, Amy," Madison said.
"No. I'm gonna go looking for him. I need to tell him that he got me pregnant."
"Are you saying you don't even know who he is?" Madison asked.
"Well….there are two people it could be," Amy said, realizing too late that she had said way too much.
"WHHhat!! You had two one-night stands??" Madison yelled.
Amy started crying. "I didn't have any freaking one-night stands, okay?! Okay!! Just leave me alone. It wasn't my fault."
"What do you mean it wasn't your fault?" Madison asked, confused. Tears kept rolling down Amy's eyes. She couldn't stop them from falling.
"It doesn't matter. I have to go. I have to find him," Amy said, running out of the bathroom terrified that one of her best friends knew but also determined that she actually would go out searching for her two rapists. Was she freaking losing her mind?? She couldn't explain it. She couldn't stop obsessing about them.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Madison stood in the bathroom, dumbfounded. What had Amy meant? There were two possible fathers now?? Madison knew she shouldn't have screamed at Amy the way she did. Madison texted Lauren.
Madison: she told me she's gonna go search for the father of her baby.
Lauren: so he should know. She should tell him that the baby is his. He should have some responsibility.
Madison: she doesn't know who the father is.
Lauren: she's lying.
Madison: no, I mean she said that there were two possible fathers.
Lauren: what??
Madison: I yelled at her for having two one-night stands & she started crying & told me 2 leave her alone & said it wasn't her fault.
Lauren: Madison, ur an idiot.
Madison: What?
Lauren: she said it wasn't her fault. Don't be a moron.
Madison: wht do u mean?
Lauren: we have to stop her fr/ looking 4 him.
Madison: wtf?! A second ago u said he should kno.
Lauren: he's a fucking asshole! What do u think she meant when she said it wasn't her fault?
Madison: I still don't kno wht ur talking about.
Lauren: i still think ur an idiot but maybe im just jumping 2 conclusions. But if she really said it wasn't her fault what is tht supposed to mean? Be logical.
Madison: what u think that he….raped her?
Lauren: if he did, he'll do it again, don't u think?
Madison: but u said u were probably just jumping to conclusions.
Lauren: Amy would never have sex. None of us would…
Madison: fine, maybe ur right. I hope not b/c she ran out in a hurry I think she was serious about looking 4 him.
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Amy knew that cutting school was wrong, but she simply couldn't face her friends if they knew what happened to her. She started walking in the same direction she had been walking that fated night and couldn't stop crying. She remembered that the first man had called the second man Nate, and when they tossed her on the ground she thought she had heard Nate say, "Hurry up, Jedson, do you freaking want to be caught?" Nate had hurried out, but the man supposedly called Jed had went back to Amy and kicked her in the chest. "Don't fucking tell anyone, bitch, or I swear I will kill you." He felt up her breasts before running away into the cold dark night. She had blocked this part out at first. It had almost drowned in the abyss that was her unconscious memories, but the threat felt way too real now that she had practically told Madison, who would probably tell Lauren. And….both of them would probably tell the whole school. They wouldn't mean to. They just aren't that good at keeping secrets.
She decided that it was stupid to go out searching for Jedson or Nate without researching. Maybe she could take a self-defense course and then go after them? No, it would be too late. All remnants of evidence had washed away, anyways, so it wasn't like the police could help her now anyways. She was furious that Jedson had taken her virginity from her. She was going to go after him. She was going to kill the fucking son-of-a-bitch. At least, she thought she was.
Amy walked back to the school building. If she was going to go after him, she had to be prepared. She had to plan her attack. And there was no point in missing school. She looked at her watch, realizing that lunch would be over in five minutes and that she could still be back at the school in time for her next class.
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Lauren was relieved when she saw Amy rush into their pre-calculus class a couple minutes after the bell rang.
"Why are you late?" the teacher asked.
"I….I…I d…d…don't know," Amy stuttered.
"Just don't let it happen again," the teacher said.
'Yeah,' Lauren thought. 'Don't let it happen again.' She knew that Amy could be stubborn. Once she made her mind up to do something, she didn't back down. Lauren decided she could risk passing Amy a note, seeing as she sat right behind her.
Lauren handed a crimpled up piece of paper to Amy. Amy opened it. It read: Were you?
Amy quickly wrote a note back: What the fuck do you mean?
Lauren wrote a note back: I'll talk to you after class. Just don't do anything stupid.
Amy wrote a note back: What did Madison tell you?
Lauren just shook her head. "After class," she mouthed.
"what?" Amy whispered.
"Amy, Lauren, why are you talking? And don't think I didn't see you passing notes," the teacher said. To both Amy and Lauren's relief, the bell rang. They were saved by the bell.
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The last class of the day was over. Amy sighed and walked out of the classroom, not even turning to look at Lauren.
"Wait, Amy, wait…" Lauren said.
"What?" Amy asked, turning around. Her voice sounded agitated.
"I just wanted to talk," Lauren said.
"About what?" Amy asked in a nonchalant manner. She pretended that everything was just fine. If she played dumb then maybe everyone would forget about it.
Lauren looked around to make sure no one else was in sight. Shit, the hallway was swarming with people.
"You know, what you told me yesterday," Lauren said.
"I'm not telling you who the father is," Amy whispered.
"Do you even know?" Lauren asked, but instantly regretted it.
Amy just nodded her head. "Of course I know," Amy lied. She wondered of she could get a paternity test before the baby was born. She could go to a free clinic and just tell the doctor that she slept around and wanted to know who the father of her baby was. She had to go to the doctors anyways. She knew that pregnancy was not the only risk there was in having sex. Amy shuddered. 'No, I'm not even going to think about that; they didn't look like they had any weird STD,' Amy thought to herself.
"You do know you have options, right?" Lauren asked. "You could, you know….take care of it." Amy thought about the possibility. Should she? Could she possibly keep the child and be reminded about what happened to her? 'No, I have to be strong,' Amy thought to herself. 'Maybe I can give the child up for adoption. Or maybe mom can help me raise him or her, if she isn't too furious at me,' Amy thought.
"I know," Amy said softly.
"You should go to a doctor, anyways. You know….just to make sure the child's alright and all. And you do know that you have to tell your parents, right?" Ashley said.
"I'm not telling my parents," Amy said. "I can't."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
In Amy's pediatrician's waiting office
The chair Amy was sitting on was cold, so cold. Amy was shivering. She was so hungry. 'Well, I guess being pregnant does that,' Amy thought, repressing a giggle. 'Makes you hungrier, because there's another life growing inside of you.' For a second Amy was almost excited but then she felt something ripping at her heart oh yeah that was her brain reminding her that she wasn't supposed to be excited…this was horrible. She was fifteen and pregnant. She was fifteen and pregnant with…his…baby. Which of course was followed with the loud trumpet blaring inside of her head reminding her that she didn't even know who the father was. Shit.
"Amy Jurgens?" the female pediatrician called.
Amy clung to her purse and stood up. She walked into the office. Suddenly she was completely confident. She wasn't frozen anymore.
"Yep, that's me," Amy said.
"How are you doing today?" the doctor asked.
"I…I don't know how to say this, but…I think I'm pregnant," Amy said.
"Did you already do the test?" the doctor asked.
"What test?" Amy asked. "No, don't. You don't need to do the test. Nothing happened. No test. Please."
"I mean a pregnancy test," the doctor said. "And didn't you just say that you thought you were pregnant?"
Amy closed her eyes. Law & Order SVU used to be her favorite show but she didn't want any doctor prodding her privates to find evidence. The test…well, it was actually called a rape kit. But of course that wasn't what the doctor meant. Amy sighed in relief. She hoped she hadn't given herself away.
"Oh," Amy said. "Yeah, yeah, I bought one of those pregnancy tests. Y…yeah, it had the p…p…plus sign."
The doctor talked to Amy about prenatal vitamins and about being careful and not over-exercising, in order to ensure the safety of the baby. The doctor told her that she was a little more than two weeks along, but, of course, Amy already knew that.
"Do I have any…you know…STDs?" Amy asked.
The doctor shook her head. A/N: I have no clue how the doctors would find anything out but anyways she doesn't. "No, you don't," the doctor said. Amy sighed a breath of relief.
"Um…" Amy wasn't sure how to ask this. "Is there a way to find out who the father is?"
"Yes, paternity tests can be done before the baby's born," the doctor said, "But you look pretty young…how could there be more than one guy?"
"There just is, okay?" Amy said. "I really want to know."
"Okay," the doctor said. "It's not a long procedure. All it takes is inserting a needle into your stomach to get a sample of the fluids. Then the DNA can be analyzed. One thing though. I would need the consent of a parent."
"Why?" Amy asked.
"It's just a policy," the doctor reassured Amy.
"B...b...but…I don't want to them to know. They'll be mad when I work up the confidence to tell them I'm pregnant. They don't have to know I slept with more than one guy," Amy said. The doctor could tell something was up. She understood why a teenager wouldn't want her parents to know that he or she was having sex, much less with more than one person, but Amy just didn't seem like the person who would sleep around. She seemed so innocent and naïve. She seemed so fragile and broken.
"Do you really want to know who the father is?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," Amy replied, determined. Her voice suddenly sounded strong and fierce. Despite her naïve outer appearance, the doctor could sense that there was so much more to Amy. She was tough. She would never back down. "I want to know so I can tell him," Amy explained. "He has the right to know."
"Well, how old are you?" the doctor asked.
"Fifteen," Amy replied.
"Well….," the doctor said, against her instincts, "I guess it wouldn't hurt."
Amy filled out the paperwork and then the paternity test was done. A/N: I don't really know how to describe it, so I won't.
"I need DNA from the possible fathers before I can determine who the father is," the doctor explained.
"Okay, I'll take care of it," Amy said. "I'll get you a sample. I'm sure they'll let me." Of course, she knew that they wouldn't let her…she had to track her down and obtain a sample of their DNA in a sneaky way and hope not to be caught and beaten and raped again or even killed. But she needed to know. She needed to know.
"The information will stay on a file with your name. Just bring me the samples in a secure, labeled container when your friends give it to you. Don't touch the sample….wear gloves. Hair would work; so would a swab from their mouth," the doctor instructed.
Amy left the doctor's office, more determined than ever to track down both of her rapists and get a sample of DNA. She knew their names and she knew what they looked like. She could use myspace and facebook to track them down and find out where they live. They couldn't live that far.
It was risky, yes. But she would rather die than not know.
To Be Continued…..