Blink. Blink. Blink.
A small, red dot blinked repeatedly in the sky – a helicopter or a plane's lights – amidst the sparkling white of the stars and the crescent moon held aloft by night's fingers. It was cold for an Autumn night, frost settling in an icy, white dust across the grass of the Kurosaki family lawn. The bench set against the modern home's siding was wooden, the cold seeping through his long pants. His rear was cold and wet, soaked through to the black boxers underneath and Ichigo wiggled to try and escape the cold.
The white light of the moon danced across the grass, making the icy dust of frost sparkle. The 47 year old man groaned as his back creaked, reaching around to rub at the soreness in his muscles. His dark brown gaze lifted to the moon and he huffed, smiling slightly. "I'm an old man now. By the time you come back, I'll already be dead."
The moon, his only companion and witness, stayed silent. A cold breeze blew by, whistling over the empty lawn, and Ichigo crossed his arms over his bare chest. Hands moved zealously against his arms to rub warmth into the cold limbs, his gaze wandering the empty street of Karakura Town. The Town was sleeping, quiet and dead, at night and in the early morning hours. It was his favourite time to sit outside, taking the time he had never given himself as a young teenage boy – he refused to call himself a substitute shinigami or a shinigami at all in fear the memories would come to his mind again – saving the world from destruction, over and over again.
Each time, they had won. Good had prevailed, the safety of all the worlds secured, his friends happy and his family safe, and each time, there had never been a moment he had ever doubted in their chance to win. Yhwach, however, had changed everything Ichigo knew about being a hero, about Fate and the future. They had never saved the world instead only thrusting it deeper and deeper towards Yhwach's clutches. Everything they had done had been to that bastard's wants. The future, Fate, it all meant nothing to him and to a hero meant to save the world, it was a hard thing to stomach but still, Ichigo had run in, sword blazing and ready to strike.
He may have destroyed Yhwach's body, they may have won, but to Ichigo? His gaze softened as he stared at the white of the moon, leaning back into the wooden bench. To him there had never been any way to win. The manipulator of time and space knew every future, every path they could take, and even though he had been blind-sided by a simple arrow, Ichigo had known deep in his gut that Yhwach would return. All the poisonous words whispered by that bastard's tongue had sunk into his blood, echoing through his heart. Even Fate couldn't escape Yhwach's claws and though he would never admit it, it had frightened him.
There had been no future Yhwach couldn't see. And though that man hadn't mentioned what or who or how – striking him at his happiest was a pretty damn good threat on it's own – Ichigo had known what the bastard meant the moment the words had registered in his battle clogged ears. The way that stare had narrowed into his soul, that knowing, confident smirk as he threatened to destroy Ichigo's happiness…..He had seen it. He had seen the future, his future, through the eyes of that demon and he had felt defeat for the first time.
That battle had been lost long before it had even begun. Sure, Yhwach had been 'defeated' – the shinigami knew that that man would never, could never, truly die as long as fear existed – but so had they. Heavy losses, extreme casualties, missing friends…..The very thing Ichigo had fought against had lodged in his chest then: fear. Pure, panicked fear that Yhwach would return when he was happy and destroy him.
Crickets chirped in the far off distance, the wind settling down, and Ichigo blinked back from his thoughts at the soft steps from inside the house. Keeping his ear focused, at first he thought it was Orihime but chuckled, dismissing the thought when he heard an unmanly yelp followed by the soft thud of a body hitting the ground. Kurosaki, Kazui made one hell of a clumsy teenage boy. Hearing his son mutter beneath his breath, the footsteps fading into the kitchen of the Kurosaki home, Ichigo turned back to his moon gazing.
He smiled up at the shining moon, pretending his chest wasn't tight and his stomach wasn't clenching. His son. His wife. His family. When he was 17 – he would give up anything to go back and be 17 again – he remembered the happiest days of his life. It wasn't school – though he did like it regardless of his reputation; it wasn't his friends – though he did love sometimes hate them; it wasn't his annoying Dad and too caring sisters – though he would die for them…..
His happiest was getting lost in violet-blue orbs, in the way her voice reached deep into a part of him even when they were nose to nose and screaming at each other. His happiest was when Rukia was next to him. At the end of that war, after Yhwach's defeat, there had been nothing he had wanted more than to find her, wrap in his arms, and hold her so he could fight the dread growing inside him. In fact, he went in search of her. He found her amongst the casualties – of course because she couldn't fucking sit back – and he had stabbed Zangetsu into the ground, determined to shunpo down there and kiss her fucking senseless.
Until Yhwach's nasty, assuring sneer and dark, knowing eyes flashed into his mind. For the second time in his life, his world had come crashing down around him. Stumbling back, the shinigami's brown eyes had widened, heart careening in his ribcage to burst out and fly down to the violet eyed woman at the bottom of the hill. Nausea welled in his throat, thick and bitter, his gut clenching against the roiling waves of sickness. Almost, it felt like a dream and some horrible twisted version of reality.
His eyes had stayed on her as truth, sadly, dawned on him. And he had grabbed the hilt of his zanpakuto, turned around, and didn't look back. That was the last time he saw her until it was time to say it once again, that word that haunted them every time they turned around. They were always saying goodbye. Somehow, parting was all they knew how to do. The Senkaimon glowed a bright white behind him, his friends stepping through one by one, muttering quick goodbyes to hide their pain. He could feel the warmth at his back, the light licking at him and beckoning him to cross over back to the world of the living.
He stared at a violet moon, lips grinning despite the screaming of his soul. And again, he had turned his back. Stalking towards the gate, he set his hands on either side, prepared to dive into the white light that called his name but he paused. It was always like this, them always saying goodbye and parting. Somehow, though, he had always known they would meet again, their Fate intertwined, but instead of the usual anticipation of knowing he would see her again, all he felt was a hard ball of apprehension that this goodbye was final.
His gut told him this was the last time and, in his hesitation, he looked back at her. She was staring at him and their eyes met – somehow, they always just knew each other in ways no one else could ever know, not even the wife he would marry – in a horrible moment of clarity. She knew. She knew that this was the last time, she could feel it too, and he could see the pain written in her eyes like it had been carved there. He forced a grin and tumbled through the gate. He didn't look back and he vowed, feet touching Karakura Town, no more. There was no more looking back. He had chosen this path and it was time to face the future.
And he had done just that. Not once looking back, Kurosaki Ichigo had moved forward into the future. The rain had finally stopped. With Rukia, it never rained. Without her, it poured. Now it had stopped completely. A sharp pang rang through his heart and he winced, swallowing thickly. That wasn't right. The rain wasn't the only thing that had stopped. There was one time, for one single measly moment of 17 months – Gods, give him back those 17 months instead of these last 20 years – that he hadn't been able to keep up with the world without her.
He had moved on, moved forward, gotten married to Orihime, had a son, he was a doctor now…...But that day, that look, was the moment the gates of Fate had slid closed, Ichigo's entire fucking world crawled to a stop. It couldn't rain in a world that didn't move, his soul forever frozen on that single god damn moment of violet eyes. He loved his family, that's just who he was, and he couldn't regret the future he'd chosen. He would do it all over again, every single moment of his life since he was a stupid, oblivious teen boy, up to now if it meant he could only get a glimpse of the woman that was his happiness. She changed his world, his life, and she stopped the rain.
She reminded him of what it meant to be happy, she gave him the power to protect the people he had loved, and at the end, leaning on the bench with his family mostly sleeping inside, all he could think about – all he could ever think about – was her. Dying for her wasn't even an option. At one point, it was all he had been prepared to do. If she needed him, he would be there. To him, loving her was simple as living or breathing; it was a mechanism of his body needed for survival. The Moon was necessary to the Sun so was Rukia to Ichigo. And if you asked him when he would only be able to say this: since the moment she stepped into my room, sure and steady, the moonlight falling on her small form.
Fate was, Ichigo decided bitterly, cruel. Bringing them together only to tear them apart in the end, creating no future where they could ever know what happiness truly was. Sighing, he placed his hands on the bench and prepared to rise when a voice spoke from the open doorway.
"Wait! Dad, can I…...Can I talk to you?"
Turning his head, he saw Kazui standing in the doorway with a cup of what he assumed to be tea in his hands. Kazui stood beside the bench in front of the house, taking a small sip of the jasmine and lavender tea as Ichigo patted the bench with his free hand. "I don't bite."
His shake of denial ruffled the spiky, messy orange hair that tumbled over his light brown eyes, head tilted back and cocked to the side as he stared up at the moon. His eyes were large and expressive, mouth in a small thin smile. "I want to stand."
Shrugging a large shoulder, Ichigo settled back against the bench. His one arm rested on the back of his seat, his gaze flitting up again to the shining moon unable to look away. The crickets chirped in synchrony and a quick burst of cold wind battered against his bare chest, causing a chill to travel through his chest. Shaking his head at the cold, he tilted his head back and looked up at his son standing in the doorway to the Kurosaki home. The orange hair just like his own and those brown eyes were where all the similarities ended between father and son.
Where Ichigo was loud and brash – even at his age he remained unchanged despite the way his world had halted – Kazui was quiet, almost shy in a sense. He didn't have a lot to say, he was clumsy like his mother, but Kazui had something that Ichigo didn't have. The orange haired teen always, ever since he was born, spoke his mind. There was nothing the young boy didn't say that he didn't mean. So when Ichigo saw the tenseness in his son's shoulder as he leaned against the open doorway, the way he held the steaming cup to his lips without taking a drink, and the way he seemed to almost disappear into the shadows of the house behind him, brown eyes narrowed.
Tapping his fingers against the wood of the bench, Ichigo drawled, "For someone who wanted to talk, you're sure putting it off."
Wincing, Kazui lowered the cup and stared into the light coloured tea, biting his lip. "It's just not easy to say."
"Well, dancing around it isn't going to say it either. If you don't speak up, I'm going to bed." He made to rose up, tempting Kazui into speaking his mind.
Of course he wouldn't have really left the boy standing in the doorway behaving unusually but Kazui didn't know that. Those eyes widened comically before he shouted, voice wobbling in panic, "Y-You don't love Mom!"
Not sure if it was the words or the fact that quiet Kazui had shouted at him but Ichigo nearly toppled off the bench and to the cold ground, stopping himself and leaning slowly back into the solid wood behind him. He blinked, rapidly and quickly, but the words remained lodged in his mind like arrows fired into the bark of a tree. His mouth parted, words bouncing around in his mouth, before he closed his lips. A moment later, his mouth opened again as Ichigo struggled to find the lies he had been spewing for the last 20 years but found he couldn't say them any more. All the lies, the false comforts, all of the things he had convinced himself were true and right had dissipated, grasped and stolen by the cold night wind of Autumn.
Maybe, he fancied almost numbly, the wind would carry them to the moon and he could be free. "What…..The fuck did you just say?"
A deep breath followed by the rustling of a nervous Kazui did nothing to ease Ichigo's nerves. The next words out of his son's mouth tightened the coil in his heart, a cold metal snake spraying acid as it hissed inside of him. For a single moment, in a world frozen in time, he thought he saw golden eyes snap open and a wide smirk before it faded into Kazui's voice. "You…..Don't love Mom. You're lying. To you and – and to us."
An audible gulp and then the quiet sloshing of the tea as Kazui took a drink from the lip of his cup. His fingers picked up their drumming, impatience flaring up in his gut. You know those moments where you think you're prepared for whatever your child can say? And then they say the one thing you did not expect or prepare and you're left staring at them gaping like a fish? This was one of those moments.
A sharp inhale and then, horribly, Ichigo understood and he wished he hadn't. "B-Because you love Rukia-ba-chan."
His heart was suddenly too heavy, the air was too cold, everything was not the way it should be. He should love his family and he did – he just didn't love them enough. Swallowing past the tight knot in his throat was proving difficult so he coughed into a fist and looked at the frosted grass at his feet. It felt like his heart had stopped, face paling, and Ichigo thought back, trying to remember anytime he had ever given any hints to the feelings he had buried for the last 25 years. She was forbidden from him, they could never touch, never meant to be like the Sun and the Moon that always rose and set at opposite corners of the world. His fingers would always itch to touch her own but he would never reach her.
He glanced up discreetly at Kazui's form in the moonlit shadowy doorway. He stared at his son who adored the woman he loved and his gaze softened, eyes closing as he leaned his arms over his legs. "Course I love the midget. She's my best friend."
From out the corner of his eyes, he saw something change in his son. The quiet, huddled boy who had never wanted to stand out transformed and Ichigo's heart sunk in his chest as he wondered just how long Kurosaki, Kazui had become a man. The form that stood in the doorway straightened, spine pulled upright and shoulders back like the confident teen Ichigo used to be, large zanpakuto hanging over his shoulder. Those warm, shy brown eyes were glinting in the light of moon, strong and self-assured and so different from the little boy in his memories that Ichigo was left awed. Body sinking into the wood of the bench and away from the shadow of the man his son had become, Ichigo was left reeling when those eyes met his.
In a strong, quiet voice, Kazui, tea cup clutched in his hands, thrust the truth hilt-deep into Ichigo's heart with his eyes alone. "I love her. Ichi loves her. Hell, Mom loves her!"
Shaking his head, that orange hair swaying, Kazui met his Dad's eyes again and this time, he left no room for denial. "But you love her, Dad. For once," The hurt that lined the edges of Kazui's brown gaze was enough to cause Ichigo's heart to stutter. "For once, please, can you not lie to us? To me?"
The thick, hot knot in his throat swelled into his lungs and he released a shaky breath, the cold wind strikingly soothing against his now heated body. The truth swirled heavily in the air between them, hanging and twisting between father and son. Hurt and pain flared in Kazui's reiatsu but that wasn't what made Ichigo feel the hot spurt of shame. It was the numbing acceptance – his own son had accepted this, not even bothering to deny it like a normal teenage boy that had just found out his Dad didn't love his Mom – that made Ichigo finally rise to his feet.
The bone chilling cold numbed his bare feet, his chest tightening at the fear and hot shame that swelled up inside of him. The moon shone down, casting it's light over the forms of the two left in the aftermath of truth. What do you say to your kid that told you they know you don't love their Mom, that you love the woman you're not allowed – that you won't allow yourself – to have? How do you tell your son that it's too late, that happily ever after's, Fate, and love…..How do you tell him it's all a lie?
The last of the words ringing in his ears, Ichigo's shoulders dropped, hands digging deep into the pockets of his sleep pants to hide the tightly curled fists. His back to his son – how could he face him after this? – Ichigo admitted the truth he had buried for 20 years. "You want the truth, Kazui? Fine. You're right. 'Bout all of that shit. Except for one thing."
He could feel Kazui's reiatsu lap curiously against his own and he smiled though it didn't reach his eyes – it hadn't ever reached his eyes since the day he lost her – and his fists only tightened. "I do love your Mom. And you. You're my family. I love you both."
Closing his gaze to the frosty grass, Ichigo mumbled the words he hadn't dared to say since that final goodbye, words he should have said. "But fuck, do I love Rukia. I never thought I'd end up here, you know? I thought it had always been me and her, fated or some shit like that, but sometimes, Kazui," Tilting his head back, the moon's cold, bright light fell over his face. "Sometimes love just isn't enough."
Heart aching, Ichigo hoped Kazui understood. He didn't think he had it in him to talk about the forbidden thoughts lodged in his chest. There was no answer and no response for so long, he wondered if the boy had wandered to bed but just when he was about to open his eyes, that strong, quiet voice was back, speaking from behind him.
Kazui stole the breath from Ichigo's lungs, riling up that stubborn, angry shinigami he used to be. "Love is always enough. You just chose to be a coward for the first time in your life at the wrong moment. You could have fought, Dad. You always had that choice. You could have fought for her. And you are the one who chose not to."
Whirling around, Ichigo's eyes snapped open. Harsh, angry brown orbs glared at his son. Irritation and fury bubbled up in his stomach like fire and Ichigo hurled the words out of his mouth without thought. "What the fuck do you know? Coward? I'm the coward? What kind of life could I have given Rukia? She's a fucking shinigami and I'm still human! I had to protect her! I will always protect that fucking woman until my last breath. I have always fought for her…..Everything I do is for her! Kuchiki, Rukia is the whole fucking reason I exist! So don't you dare tell me, you damn brat, that love is enough because sometimes, Kazui, it just fucking isn't!"
His breaths fell in pants into the cold air, chest heaving, as he glared at his son and ignored the pulsing warmth in his eyes. He'd pulled his fists from his pants to gesture during his shouting and they now hung loosely by his sides, mouth in a deep frown that resembled a snarl. His chest was hot and heavy with pain which melted into a flash of anger at the way Kazui's lips curled into a smile.
He took a sip of his tea, gaze steady on the panting, shaking man before him. He couldn't help the smile despite the ache in his heart. "It is always enough. Instead of trying, instead of trusting that your happiness was enough, you have ruined more lives."
It was like watching a rubber band snap under too much pressure. The teen boy's hand trembled and then, he snapped. He threw the tea cup at his father's feet with enough force that it shattered, sloshing warm tea onto the frost covered ground. His face screwed up in hurt and pain as he shouted at the one person all the words he had bottled up for 20 years.
"You ruined Mom's happiness! What do you think she sees when she sees you lost in thought, the way your eyes travel up to the sky? Huh? What is she supposed to think? She knows you think of her and she chooses to ignore it, just the way you chose not to fight for your future, your own happiness! You chose to run, you coward!" Kazui's gaze was burning when he looked up and Ichigo inhaled sharply at the tears brimming his son's eyes.
Kazui slammed his eyes shut and shouted with everything he had, trying to reach his Dad before it was too late for any of them. "When she's here, she's all you can see! You look at her like she's the reason you breathe….Like you can't exist without her and – and it hurts! But…..But I also feel happy and I hate that I can't hate you both because you….All I can see is pain. And I don't want you to be in pain. I'm tired of everyone giving up! For once, Dad, fight!"
Meeting his son's heated, painful and narrowed stare head-on, Ichigo felt his heart fall to his feet and into the shards that lay scattered in the ground. "Fight for her the way I would fight for Ichika! Love her the way Mom deserves to be loved and just let us all move on to the future we deserve instead of the one you decided was best! Let us find our own happiness!"
A half grin quirked at Ichigo's lips. "You'd fight for Ichika, huh?"
A full fledged grin broke out when Kazui's mouth hung open, unhinged, his cheeks darkening to a purple red. He floundered for words, nervous and panic settling in, before Ichigo held a large palm. "Hey, whoa, that's good."
His grin softened as he nodded. "That's real good, Kazui. You got someone to protect. And I can't think of anyone better than Ichika."
Blushing, he dug a bare foot into the grass at his feet, rubbing one arm with his hand. "Yeah, she's…..She's great. Dad, I know this isn't," Kazui shrugged with one shoulder, hesitantly and shyly meeting his Dad's eyes from beneath ruffled orange locks of hair. "Isn't easy but…..It is never too late. Because as long as you're afraid of him, of the futures he's predicted, you'll never be happy. Me and Ichika? We don't know that fear. All we know is –"
" –That we love each other. And that's enough for us. Why can't it be enough for you?" The haughty voice drew Ichigo's gaze away from his son – whose head had snapped up to search for that familiar tone – to the form sitting on a wooden fence attached to their home.
Her legs were crossed, black hakama loose against her small body and reminding Ichigo too much of the fragility that shortness belied. Her haori was from fitting, hands holding her upright on the fence, head tilted to one shoulder. The moon lit up her spiky red hair as if it was fire, the cold wind blowing the single braid up and into the air. It was Ichika's violet stare – so much like Rukia's that his heart fallen to his feet still found the ability to pound – that had captivated him when he had first met her those 20 years ago. Now she was a teenager and, eyeing the lieutenant badge on her upper arm with a sense of pride, a strong shinigami like her parents.
His countenance softened as he lifted a hand in a loose wave. "Yo, Ichika."
He threw that hand into a thumb that he jerked towards his frozen, motionless son. "You sure he's enough for you? He tripped over his own feet getting some tea earlier."
Spluttering, the red faced teen tried to explain but gave up half way through his mutterings, hiding his face in his hands. Ichika grinned, giggling softly, before she jumped to the ground and made her way towards the embarrassed teen. Ichigo watched her approach his son and maybe it was the moon light that illuminated what he had never seen before or maybe – now that he had stopped lying to himself – it was because the truth was finally out there but he saw the gentle way those thin fingers curled into the lean digits of his own child, the way her smirk faded into a soft grin, he saw, finally with eyes wide open, the way Kazui's brown pools fell on Ichika like she was the only reason for his existence.
And then he understood.
Before he could mention the previous conversation, Ichika spun on her heels, startling him, and faced with him with a determined look in those violet orbs. Her hands on her hips, chin held high, she looked every ounce the Kuchiki heir she was. She looked between Ichigo and Kazui, nodding her head towards him and Kazui, defeated, sighed as his shoulders slumped forwards. Stepping out towards the silent Ichigo, his son huddled closer, Ichika to his side and giving him a look Ichigo couldn't decipher before flicking her gaze to him.
It was confusing and a bit unnerving until, at last, the gates opened. Looking down into the depths of Kazui's gaze, the words tumbled out of the teenage boy's mouth without any hesitation. He'd found the words he needed and damn, did they fucking hurt.
"Rukia-ba-chan – She means more to you than she could ever mean to us. I've seen…..The way you look at her. When she's not looking at you. You never – You never look at Mom that way and at first, I thought it was okay."
The words kept coming and Ichigo simply stood still, trying not to sink into the dark chasm of his stomach, nausea clawing at his throat. "I thought it was normal and okay and we were a happy family. But we're not happy. We pretend to be! But we're not. Mom knows. I know. Mom…." Kazui looked away finally, the corners of his eyes glistening with tears that hung off his lashes. He sniffled and Ichigo's heart sunk further.
Ichika took hold of his hand, the two sharing a look that made Ichigo's heart flutter and his cheeks dust pink, before Kazui found the strength to continue. "She tries to pretend like she's okay but…..Her heart knows and it's killing her. She wants to pretend to be happy and that we're a happy family and it's all okay…..But it's not. You look at ba-chan and," A soft smile curled at Kazui's lips. "And that's when you're happy, Dad. You become brighter than the Sun when you're near her. I never knew what happiness was, thought we had it –" Kazui shrugged and turned back to his Dad, those brown eyes glistening and pleading. "But I had no clue what it was until I saw you look at her.
"The whole world disappears. There's nothing but you and her and this -" He gestured vaguely with his free hand before huffing and shrugging helplessly. "Bubble. That the rest of us can't pierce. We've been pretending to be happy for long enough now, Dad. It's time to stop pretending now."
A hot warmth burst behind Ichigo's eyes and he huffed before laying a large hand on those soft orange strands of hair, ruffling them before putting one hand on Kazui's shoulder and the other on Ichika's. He grinned at them both, bending down slightly so they could meet his glistening brown eyes. "What do you want me to say, you two?"
They shared a look and then Kazui's next words sent an icy chill down Ichigo's spine. It wasn't a question. It was statement said with pure conviction, the strength of a little boy that knew his father loved another. "You love Rukia."
His head fell forward and he sealed his Fate with the cracked, hoarse word that fell from his lips. "Yes."
The quiet, hitched gasp and the disbelief lacing the word that had tumbled into the night, "No….." caused all three heads to snap back towards the house. There, standing in the doorway in a white bathrobe, was Orihime and Ichigo swore, as long as he lived, he would never forget the look in her gray-brown eyes. He nearly drowned in the painful sorrow dug into them, her eyes glassy from sleep and the tears that clung to the corners of her eyes. A small hand was raised to her parted mouth, probably to keep from crying.
The other was clutched hard into the white fabric of the bathrobe that was draped around her body. One foot was on the lip of the doorway, as if she had been about to step forward, and the other was hidden in the shadows of the house. The hand that held her bathrobe began to shake and Ichigo straightened, taking a step forward. "Orihime….."
An arm thrust across his path and he looked down at the orange head of his son, his arm blocking him from moving forward. The boy couldn't look up at his mother, gaze trained to his feet, the hand holding Ichika's crushing. Rukia's daughter – of course it would be the midget's daughter – stepped forward and asked what the other two Kurosaki men desperately wanted to know. "What all did you hear?"
Gaze narrowing onto Ichika, her hand over her mouth fell atop the other to keep her wits about her. "All of it."
Her gaze flickered to Kazui who kept avoiding her but even Ichigo could feel the way her stare bore down on their son. "You don't…..Tell me you don't believe that, Kazui?"
When he didn't answer, it came all too soon that her eyes met Ichigo's and he winced at the pain in her eyes. "Ichigo? You don't…..You can't….."
Taking a deep breath and picking up his heart off the ground, Ichigo gave one single nod and shattered the woman he had married. He felt more than he saw Ichika pull Kazui away just as Orihime barrelled into Ichigo, banging her fists onto his chest and screaming at him. He let her, keeping his hands fisted at his sides and ignoring the pounding of her balled hands into his bruised heart. It was her words he couldn't escape and he closed his eyes at her broken voice, her breathy sobs, and the trembling of her body.
"How could you Ichigo!? We're a family, a family! You're supposed to love us, protect us…..How can you still love her!? Why, why am I not good enough for you!? Why is it always Rukia!?" She let out a loud, wailing sob and her fists beat against the bare skin of his chest quicker, her punches losing momentum as her sobs shook her frame. "Why can't you look at me like you look at her? I love you Ichigo…..SO WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME TOO!?"
Her last scream ended on a broken sob as she fell to her knees. Long, thick orange hair cascaded over her body, shielding her from the world as her hands rose to her face. Her body curled inwards, shaking and trembling, as she cried into the cold night. The moon looked on sadly, casting it's silver light over the broken woman curled up at his feet.
He closed his eyes, fists digging into the palm of his hands, and finally, Ichigo set her free. "I do love you, Orihime. You've…..You've picked up the pieces. But," He swallowed past the painful lump in his throat at the words that needed to be said. "I still love her. I will always love her. I didn't – I didn't mean to lie to you. I wanted to make us all happy, save all of us, but…." He glanced over at the two teens standing by the fence, their gazes grieving for the woman whose heart he was about to break. "I still love her."
He wanted to do something, anything, to heal her but there was no way to heal her after he had broken her. As the self-hatred swirled inside of him, Kazui bent and pulled his mother into his arms. Throwing her arms around her son, she sobbed heavily, gasping into his shoulder for air. He rubbed his hands up and down her back, whispering calming nothings into her ear as he held her. A small hand nudged apart one of his fists and curled thin fingers around his hand. He gripped Ichika like she was his only anchor that this was right.
He managed to speak through the pain in his throat, his heart heavy. "No matter how much I love her, it's already too late."
The proof stood next to him. He opened his wet eyes and looked down at the top of her red hair but instead of meeting red hair, he met her violet orbs. The smile playing at her lips and the glint in those eyes had his heart jumping in his chest, stomach flopping around like a fish. "What –"
Her gaze fell on Orihime and Kazui, the teen still trying to rationally calm his mother down, her smile turning upwards into a smirk that would have made Renji proud. "It's never too late for love, Ichigo. You only have to decide that it's worth it to fight for it. The rest will happen on it's own. Plus," She shrugged. "It helps you two have the greatest children ever born to help settle your stupid mistakes."
He laughed, then, unable to stop the gut clenching laughter. Looking down at her, he raised an eyebrow, squeezing her hand. "Listen you little brat, curb that fucking arrogance and that big head of yours. We don't need another Renji running around."
It was Ichika's turn to laugh and she did, grinning up at him and sending him a quick wink. "Nah, I'm the best."
Her gaze flickered to Orihime, the distraught woman's teary sobs having lessened, who was quietly speaking to Kazui. He was leading her towards the bench and Ichigo tugged gently on Ichika's hand, urging them both to follow. As she sat on the bench, Orihime sighed deeply before glancing up at all three concerned faces staring down at her. A tremulous smile broke out on her face as she told them, "I-I'm okay. I'm okay."
It was Kazui who broke the strained tension over them. "Hey, Mom, it's time to do the right thing."
He walked to bend down in front of her, taking hold of both of her hands in his own, looking up into her eyes. The two shared a look, Orihime's lip wobbling but her head jerked downwards in a hesitant nod. Ichigo narrowed his eyes, unable to see what was going on through his son's lanky frame, but he heard Orihime let out another sob and then she was crying again, her head falling against Kazui's shoulder. Stepping forward, Ichika took something from Kazui and faced Ichigo, their hands still connected. She reached for his free hand and slid something warm and small into it that sent a chill running up his arm.
She waited, watching him lift his hand and uncurl his fingers to reveal the silver wedding band he had given Orihime, his eyes welling with tears. Swallowing, he bitterly mumbled, "I've lost my wife and the woman I loved."
A hand kept his fingers from closing onto the ring and he looked up at Ichika. She stared up at him and shook her head, red braid twisting behind her. "Nope. That's why I'm here. Kazu and I…..We knew, since we were little. We saw it, what everyone tried to hide, what our parents never thought we saw."
She nodded her head back at the crying Orihime and Kazui who kept her from falling apart. "You love each other. And I mean, yeah it hurts. But someone is gonna get hurt, no matter what happens. So me and Kazu, well," Ichika's face softened, her eyes growing misty. "I was tired of seeing my Mom in so much pain. That right there," She nodded to the wedding band in his hand, glinting in the light of the moon. "Is your freedom. Hime-ba-chan set you free."
"And this….." She rummaged in her hakama for a moment before lifting their joined hands. Uncurling her hand, she lifted his hand palm up and dropped a smaller band into his open grip. His breath seeped out of him, heart stopping, as he realized what he was staring at. "This is Mom's freedom. Dad and Mom…..They're free, too. So, Ichigo."
He looked up as a bright sun awakened in a frozen world, shining down on a form that lounged back with amber eyes and a tall, black haired man that stood with his head tilted back to it's rays, a smile dancing on his lips. "Is my Mom worth the fight? Or is this only as far as love can go?"
It was all too much and too sudden. This couldn't be happening. He had to fought to protect her, given up their happiness for her safety, and he was damned if he was going to let it be ruined now. He thrust both rings into a single palm and held out his hand, jingling the bands as he stared into those violet orbs. "Yhwach will come and take her away from me. She's….Always the reason I've been fighting. Take them back. He will come –"
"He's going to come back no matter what, Ichigo!" Her small hands crushed his fingers against the rings, glaring up at him through flyaway red bangs. Black tattoo's danced up around her neck, curling behind her ears as her face darkened in an angry, frustrated red. "When did you become such a lazy coward!?"
His mouth fell open to shout that she had no idea what it felt like to give up everything to protect her mother when Kazui's orange hair flickered into view. He clasped both of their hands in his own, tossing a smile between the two of them. "Hey, I think you guys should listen to her."
He nodded his head towards the Kurosaki house and all three turned, Ichika dropping her hands from Ichigo's. The hand that held the rings was trembling and tense, the silver bands sending icy-hot chills up his arm. Despite his protests, his heart thundered against his ribs in a hope he couldn't squash. Red rimmed eyes, wobbly smile, and shiny brown pools gazed at them, Orihime's long orange hair blowing in the coldly gentle wind that whistled by. Her hands were clasped in front of her, fidgeting and alternating between tightening into the fabric of her bathrobe and tangling her fingers together.
She took a deep breath then stepped toward Ichigo, smiling up at him with misty, teary eyes that made him want to erase this night from her memory. The pain in her gaze was a guilt that twisted around his heart, crushing the hope that festered from the kids standing off to the side, holding hands for a future they believed existed. At one time, Ichigo had believed it too. But staring down into Orihime's pain etched gaze, he knew that there was no such thing as Fate.
Black clouds began to billow in the frozen world, the Black Sun fighting to shine. "Orihime….I –"
He blinked in surprise when she raised shaking fingers to his lips, silencing him, as she shook her head. Those long strands of orange swayed behind her and then her voice broke through the dark clouds and the guilt inside of him, hope bursting in his chest. "I was so in love with you I didn't want to see how unhappy you were."
She gave a harsh shake of her head when his lips parted against her fingers and it slowly closed. "You're happy, Ichigo, being here with your family. You love me and Kazui, I know that, but…." Her throat moved with the force of her swallow, her voice hitching. "Ever since that single night, have you touched me? As my husband? As a man? You smile but it doesn't reach your eyes."
Her fingers trailed from his lips, up the tip and bridge of his nose, ghosting across and beneath one of his eyes. "You laugh but it sounds fake. This Ichigo who pretends to be happy? This isn't the Ichigo I love. And I'm the one who selfishly destroyed him." Bright, sparkling tears bloomed painfully at the corner of her eyes and her lip trembled. "I wanted you to love me so much, I didn't stop to think what it would do to you. So, Kurosaki, Ichigo –"
He was unprepared for when her fingers fell away and her lips gently pressed up into his own, soft and smooth despite her age. She was gone before he could even hold her, stepping back and looking at him with tears running down her cheeks.
"Go. Just…..Go." She whispered.
The Black Sun burst forth, free at last, and hope danced wildly in his heart. Without a second thought, Ichigo turned and sprinted, running as quickly as his older body would allow. He had no idea where he was going or what he was even going to do, but the warm hope inside of him spurred him on. Violet orbs framed by thick black lashes fluttered through his mind followed by alabaster cheeks and icy cold skin. A small body wrapped in black with long, black strands of hair darker than the night sky flashed by and suddenly, he was out of breath.
Panting and heaving, gasping for air, Ichigo stumbled to a stop from his sporadic run, glancing around his surroundings. Turns out, he ended up at the place it all began: Kurosaki Clinic stood before him, dark and silent. The moonlight fell on the sign and Ichigo had to blink hard to keep the tears at bay. This place is where it had all begun, when a shinigami had stepped into his room and stolen his heart – though they both wouldn't really know that until much later and even then neither of them would acknowledge it.
He almost wished his Dad was there, standing outside smoking, so he could just fucking talk to someone because if he didn't, he was sure his heart would burst. Ducking his head, he bent down, hands on his knees, and struggled for breath, hope a fire he couldn't douse.
His lungs squeaked as he breathed and he snorted out a chuckle at the irony of it all. Focused on breathing, he didn't hear the quiet zeta until she spoke. "Kazu is taking care of her. She will be okay."
Breath under control, Ichigo remained bent over, hands on his knees digging into the cotton of his pajama pants. "Fuck. What do I do now? I'm still just a human. What the hell was I –"
"There is a way. There is a secret technique but it's forbidden. I'm willing to use it if you're willing to promise you can love my Mom like she deserves." The warning in her voice was clear and Ichigo grinned toothily, proud of the teen lieutenant he knew was standing behind him.
"I've always done that, you stupid brat. Loving Rukia is as fucking easy as breathing." He closed his eyes against the tremors in his body. "But I'm not gonna ask you to do that."
"You're not asking me. I'm telling ya this is what I'm gonna do. I'll separate your soul from your body and then you'll go to meet Mom."
He was way too used to the way things worked now to be fooled and his voice was firm when he asked, "But?"
She was silent a moment before the words were uttered into the night, the full force of what it meant falling on Ichigo's shoulders. "But…..Your body will die. You will be a full fledged shinigami and you'll skip Rukongai, should have all of your memories, but…..Kurosaki, Ichigo will be dead to the human world."
Implications upon implications of those words tumbled around in his head as he realized what she meant: for Ichigo the Shinigami to be born, Ichigo the human had to die. Yuzu, Karin, his goat faced Dad, Orihime…..He would never see them again, not until they died, if even then.
Standing to his full height, decision made, he squared his shoulders and faced Ichika, his eyes steady. She stared back, violet gaze penetrating and the two shared a painful smile. "I choose….."