Merlin was not sure at what point during the day he had become a girl.
His morning had been perfectly ordinary, thank you very much; Gaius had offered him an unappealing breakfast that looked suspiciously like brains; he had woken Arthur up on time with a cheery smile and been rewarded for his efforts by having a goblet lobbed at his head (he had an angry bruise forming on the back of his neck as a reminder of this); and he had then been sent off to the stables to spend a good few hours knee-deep in horse manure.
That had been the point at which Merlin had realised something was wrong: he didn't normally wear his long, curly hair in plaits.
He looked down at his frilly pink skirts, and it didn't seem right that what bothered him most was not that he appeared to be cross-dressing, but that he had got poo all over his nice new clothes.
That definitely was not normal.
A single tear wriggled out of Merlin's eye and slithered down his cheek. This just wasn't fair. What had he done to deserve this?
Just then he heard great, clumsy footsteps approaching, and he hurriedly wiped away his tears. He couldn't have people seeing him blubbering: that would just be embarrassing.
Prince Arthur Pendragon was a little surprised to discover that Merlin had apparently decided to become a girl.
"Merlin," he began, rather cautiously, "is that you?"
There was an awkward (if not pregnant) pause.
"Who gave you permission to become a girl?"
At this Merlin squealed and dropped to the floor in a blubbering pile of frilly pink lace. "You think I chose to be like this? Arthur Pendragon, you really are the rudest, most arrogant, most insufferable, most insensitive pig!"
Merlin's voice was several octaves higher than normal, and was trembling as he sobbed.
"You just always say the wrong thing, Arthur! Do you ever think about how I feel? No, no. Of course you don't. All you ever say is: do this Merlin, do that Merlin. Muck out the horses Merlin, polish my armour Merlin, go and fetch me some more sausages Merlin!"
"Well, that is your job. You're my servant: you are paid to serve me," Arthur pointed out rather tactlessly.
Merlin went on as if he hadn't heard anything. "And do you ever say thanks? I don't think you ever say anything nice to me, ever! You work me to the bone, you throw things at my head, and you call me mean names!"
Arthur didn't know what to say. He hadn't dealt with many hysterical women, but he had dealt with enough to know that anything he did say would count against him. Unfortunately, not saying anything at all was apparently just as bad.
"You just don't care at all, do you?" Merlin demanded, glaring at him viciously from under a layer of newly acquired luscious eyelashes.
Arthur would have laughed: it was hard to find Merlin scary when his cheeks were rouged and his lips were pouting. "There, there, Merlin," Arthur sank to his knees and offered his newly female friend an awkward pat on the back. "It's not that I don't care, it's just that this is a slightly unusual situation..."
"Do you think that I hadn't noticed that? You're not the one with... with... these!" He indicated somewhere that made Arthur blush, and then began to twirl his hair between his fingers absentmindedly.
"Yes, well. This is clearly the result of sorcery..."
Merlin scoffed. "Why does everything always have to be the result of sorcery?"
"I'm sorry?"
"NOT EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENS EVER IS BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID CRUSADE AGAINST MAGIC YOU IDLE, BONEHEADED, GAMMON-FACED PRAT!"
"Gammon-faced?" Arthur had a slightly incredulous look on his face. Merlin was clearly being irrational. "Merlin..." he continued, after having taken a very deep breath, "I admit that very occasionally I have jumped to hasty conclusions regarding the use of magic. But this is clearly not a normal situation, now, is it? I mean, just look at yourself..." Here Arthur poked one of Merlin's plaits, just to make his point clear. "There is obviously magic afoot."
Merlin sniffled and buried his head in his lap.
Arthur was really rather uncomfortable. In situations such as these, his chivalrous side tended to take over: he felt he ought to be making some attempt to comfort Merlin. But then, it was Merlin. In a dress. There was something about the whole situation that made him either want to laugh, or run off in the opposite direction as fast as his royal legs would carry him.
Arthur coughed awkwardly. "Err... yes. Do you happen to know at what point during today you changed genders?"
Merlin shook his head mournfully. "No. That's the worst part. I was just in the stables, mucking out the horses thinking of ways to hurt you in your sleep and then, all of a sudden, I was wearing a dress and I felt really weepy. You must think I'm so pathetic..." and with that Merlin was sobbing again.
As much as Arthur would have loved to have spent the rest of his day having a heart-to-heart with Merlin, he had numerous princely duties to attend to. At least, he was sure he did. He couldn't remember what they were, off the top of his head, but he was racking his brains for some - any - excuse...
That was why a garbled, "Knights-training-attack-Morgana-sorcery-monster-swordfighting-dog-ate-my-homework-goblin-on-loose-massive-bleeding-cut-in-my-shoulder-going-to-go-tell-Gwen-I-love-her-I-think-I'm-coming-down-with-a-cold-I-have-a-hangover-from-going-drinking-with-Gwaine-shall-we-go-for-a-walk?'" came out.
Merlin let out a long sniff, and nodded bashfully, pulling himself to his feet.
That was the point at which Arthur lost control of himself.
Merlin's lanky body was poking out awkwardly from a frilly pink mess that was now totally coated in horse dung; his ears, which were still abnormally large, were sticking out from behind two curly brown plaits on either side of his head, which were tied with bright yellow ribbons; and his trademark neckerchief had been fastened around his neck with a sparkly brooch. Merlin had never, in the whole of his life, looked more ridiculous.
"Are you laughing at me?" Merlin asked, his lower lip trembling. "Do I... Do I look ridiculous?" Merlin swished his skirt around sorrowfully, as he watched Arthur, eyes pleading.
"No! No - It's not you. It's the situation that's ridiculous. You look... lovely, Merlin."
Merlin smiled sheepishly, and half-curtsied.
Arthur had not approved in the slightest of the twinkle in Merlin's eyes when he had complimented him, and decided that a speedy trip to Gaius was probably the best thing for him.
As Merlin twirled flirtatiously, Arthur only became surer of his decision.
If, upon finishing his lunch, Gaius had been asked what he was expecting to happen next, he would probably have mentioned something along the lines of doing his morning rounds of the lower town, delivering various sleeping draughts and such. He might have said he had decided to pay Uther an impromptu visit to check on his fits of paranoia (since he'd reportedly already accused seventeen random bystanders of sorcery that morning). He might even have had the insight to roll his eyes and inform you that he would probably be spending his afternoon getting Merlin out of whichever near-death situation he had got himself into today.
He would, however, probably not have expected Arthur to come crashing through the door to his chambers with a distinctly female Merlin in tow.
Gaius seemed a little taken aback. Then again, he thought to himself, at least it's something new.
"Merlin?" Gaius inquired, having eventually discovered his voice. "Is that you?"
"Oh Gaius!" Merlin explained, fresh tears billowing down his face as he ran to embrace the man he considered his father. "Look at the state of me! I'm covered in poo!"
Gaius' eyebrows raised higher than they ever had before (there is not the vocabulary in the English language to describe exactly what they did, but it was very, very special). "Merlin... I should think that the manure is the least of your problems. Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but you appear to be a girl..."
Merlin broke into fresh peals of sobs as Arthur fidgeted awkwardly in the doorway. When Merlin finally drew away from Gaius and stopped weeping, Arthur attempted to increase the testosterone levels in the room by offering his friend a conciliatory thump on the arm.
It did not have the desired effect.
Merlin yelped in pain, and screeched at his master. "What on earth was that for?"
Arthur had the look of a startled rabbit. "I was only trying to help..."
"How is punching me on the arm supposed to help? You prat!"
And then Merlin started crying again. Gaius and Arthur stood around awkwardly, neither of them entirely sure of what to do.
It was Gaius who eventually began conversation: "Was it a magical transformation?"
Merlin shook his head vigorously, and Arthur shrugged. "Is there any other possible explanation?" he demanded, over the sound of Merlin's banshee-like wailing.
Gaius paused and considered whether he ought or ought not to do something. He did it anyway.
The elderly physician toddled over to one of his numerous shelves of books, and pulled from it a long, thin, silver book that was unlike any ever seen in Camelot before.
At the sight of something shiny, Merlin stopped crying rather abruptly.
Arthur drew his sword, and poked the device. "What on earth is it?" he queried, looking a little mesmerised by the sheen of its surface.
Gaius lifted the lid, and the two boys jumped back at an odd pinging sound and the sudden source of light emitting from a strange screen...
It was Merlin who touched it first. He pressed his finger down on one of the raised bits with letters on. "What's it called?"
"I am not entirely sure. The strange man who sold it to me said it was a futuristic device known as a laptop. It seems to be entirely devoid of practical use, the only thing I have been able to get it to do is play a strange little game called solitaire, which involves little cards that jump around. It seems perfectly pointless... I have, however, been using it to conduct some research..."
Gaius drew a deep breath, and sat down, in the way that old people do when they are about to begin a story; often a story that makes very little sense and is not at all interesting. The story that Gaius is about to tell is not one of those stories.
"I remember having a very interesting conversation with Merlin a few weeks ago," he began. "It was after a certain incident in your chambers, sire. Merlin said that the two of you became possessed by some demonic force that compelled you to behave in a very peculiar manner, did he not?"
Arthur nodded slowly (he did everything slowly). "Yes. He called it a 'fanfiction'?"
"Well, after our conversation, Merlin made it clear he wished never to discuss the issue again. As much as you know I always try to respect your wishes Merlin, after some extremely disturbing conversations with young Gwen, I began to believe that this was not an issue that would resolve itself if left alone."
"In the light of this new information, unbeknownst to the pair of you, I have been conducting extensive research. It turns out that what happened to the two of you was not simply an isolated incident. There is a wealth of this... stuff... out there. I really do not know how Camelot shall protect itself."
The corners of Arthur's mouth turned down, as if he had just tasted something extremely sour. "Are you telling me that fanfiction is what's happening here?"
"I am not certain, sire, but it seems highly probable..."
"Why on earth would anyone write a story about Merlin becoming a girl?"
"I am afraid this question is beyond even me."
"So... we're in one of these fanfictions right now?" Arthur queried, looking as though he was thinking rather hard about something.
Gaius nodded.
"I'm not going to have to kiss Merlin again, am I? I spent weeks washing my mouth out last time..."
Gaius shook his head, "No, not just yet. I think, and I am only guessing, but I think that we're in a sort of limbo."
"What..."
"Sire, I mean no disrespect by this, but you really must allow me to finish speaking before you start asking me pointless questions. If you let me finish the odd sentence, you might find yourself not actually needing to ask a question at all."
Arthur looked down bashfully.
"These fanfictions are published by their authors in chapters. I believe that we are in one such fanfiction, but we are trapped in the period between chapter one and two. You see? That explains why we currently have control over our own thoughts and actions, but, when chapter two commences..."
Arthur looked horrified. "How long do we have to prepare for this?"
"I am sorry to say sire, that I have absolutely no idea."
Gaius and Merlin were left on their own in the physician's chambers. Arthur had long since been told to go and pace incessantly somewhere else; he had stormed off angrily, muttering about some harebrained defence strategy involving quails' eggs, boiling oil and a toothpick.
Merlin had wept some more when Gaius confessed that, since Merlin had been affected by the laws of the reality that they now inhabited, there was absolutely nothing he could do about the fact he had become a girl.
Eventually, after what seemed to Gaius like an eternity, Merlin stopped crying.
The warlock-turned-witch wiped his eyes on the lacy sleeve of his dress, and tried to get control of himself.
"Why am I so emotional, Gaius? Not all girls are like this; Gwen doesn't cry all the time..."
"Indeed not. I think, and you must take no offence at this Merlin, that we can assume you are not a particularly well-rounded female character. I suppose that whoever has trapped us in this dreadful place is more interested in developing a... relationship between yourself and Arthur than making you a role model for women."
"I don't like Arthur..."
"Really, Merlin? Your behaviour earlier suggested otherwise..."
"Urrgh!" Merlin exclaimed, burying his head in his hands. "That's not me. Not the real me. It's just, being a girl, well... you know what all girls are like around Arthur, even Gwen. I finally understand it... It's this stupid girly body that likes Arthur, not me. Merlin," he tapped his temple for effect, "thinks he's a useless, arrogant prat who needs to learn to polish his own armour and fetch his own stupid sausages..."
"Indeed." Gaius produced a pair of scissors, and waved them in front of Merlin's face in a slightly demented fashion. Merlin gulped.
"There's no need to look so frightened, Merlin. I have a plan."
Merlin perked up. "Oh goody!" he clapped his hands together in a girly fashion. "Your plans are so much better than Arthur's plans! Arthur's plans always seem to involve me picking a fight with men twice my size... and we always seem to end up in somebody's dungeons..."
Gaius cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Goodness, Merlin. Now that you're a girl you really do seem to like talking... My plan is as follows. Aside from your obvious change in attire, and you hair, you don't look too different. I think that if we dressed you up in your usual clothes, and snipped off your hair, you could easily pass for your usual self..."
"Are you saying that I look like a boy?"
"Merlin! You are a boy!"
Merlin nodded his head, blinking back the tears. "I know that. You just could have been a bit more sensitive is all... I'm having a very hard day..."
"Merlin, you really must try to focus. I am going to chop off these plaits, and you are going to practise your best man voice. Do you think you can manage that?"
That was how Merlin and Gaius managed to spend their evening sitting on the floor, amidst a pile of girly curls, as Merlin made strange oinking sounds that sounded rather a lot like a young choir boy's voice cracking.
Unfortunately, as Gaius snipped, for every lock of hair that he chopped off, another grew in its place. Gaius spent hours and hours furiously slicing away at Merlin's mane - even resorting to shaving it all off at one point - but when the sun rose in the morning, and Arthur's voice could be heard booming all around the castle, as he demanded to know the whereabouts of his lazy servant, Merlin's hair had actually grown a few inches, if that were possible...
It seemed that things would not be as simple as Gaius had hoped.
And then chapter two began...