Disclaimer: I OWN IT! Now what are you going to do?

--Feds-- GET HER! THAT GIRL IS WANTED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!

Really? REALLY? Well, I'll be busy bailing myself out of prison. Enjoy the story, I suppose.

A/N -- In this chapter, Kermit the Frog makes an appearance, the jug-band practices, Jacob is a pedophile, Carlisle just won't put his pants on, and Edward is pretty. This one is a little short, but it's doubly weird to make up for it.

And just in case you're wondering, yes, every chapter WILL have pants in the title.

CHAPTER 2 --

OTTERS JUST DON'T WEAR PANTS

When we last left our heroes...ahem...wait...

When we last left those people who we only give half a damn about, they had decided to form a jug-band and win the fifty dollar prize.

But they hadn't foreseen this new horror.

KERMIT THE FROG.

"It's not easy being green." he said sadly.

"It's not easy being pants-less." Carlisle said, equally as sadly.

"It's not easy being pretty." Edward sighed.

"How would you know?" Kermit asked.

"I'M PRETTY!" sobbed Edward, banging his head repeatedly on the wall.

Just then, Alice dragged in a pancake that vaguely resembled Bella.

"What happened to her?" asked Carlisle.

"Steam roller." Alice said sadly, already making plans for Bella's future as a throw rug. "Carlisle will you -- MAN, GET SOME DAMN PANTS ALREADY!"

"Otters just don't wear pants, Alice. Otters just don't wear pants." he said sadly, shaking his head.

As the room absorbed this piece of wisdom, Rosalie and Jacob entered, bickering.

"Knock KNOCK, Rosalie!"

"Who's THERE, Jacob?"

"Peanut butter."

"Peanut butter who?"

"Peanut butter I HATE YOUR IMMORTAL GUTS WITH EVERY FLAMING FIBER OF MY BEING AND ONE DAY WISH TO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND NAIL IT ABOVE MY DOORWAY WHERE THE BIRDS WILL SLOWLY PICK YOUR EYES OUT AND EAT YOUR TONGUE!!"

"Calm down, Jacob." said Alice, grabbing a random baby from a random person who was walking by.

"BUT SHE--I'm over it." he said, as Alice held the baby up.

"PEDOPHILE!" screamed Kermit the Frog, and a pile of Muppets dove on Jacob.

"Miss Piggy...suffocating...with...BOOBS!" Jacob gasped under the pile.

"Time to start our band!" Alice cried happily. "Who wants to play Bella?"

"I think it's only right that I play Bella." Edward said sadly, picking up his squashed lover, grabbing a wooden spoon and tapping out a catchy beat on her pancake-y self.

Emmett blew on his jug to the beat.

Rosalie grabbed a random guy and poked him with a pin to the rhythm, which now sounded like,

"Tap tap tap tap toot toot toot toot HEY, WATCH IT! tap tap tap toot toot STOP POKING ME WITH THAT PIN!"

Jacob began to choke from under the Muppets, and Esme blew on a crack pipe rhythmically.

"Tap tap tap toot toot toot toot I THINK I'M BLEEDING! CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE bLoW bLoW bLoW."

"We sound good!" Emmett exclaimed.

"But...but...DON'T I GET TO BE IN THE BAND?" Jasper asked, sounding crushed.

"You can be the water boy." Esme told him.

"What do I do?" Jasper asked.

"I dunno...swim?" Esme suggested.

"What about me?" asked Carlisle sadly.

"And me?" Alice asked, even sadder-er.

"You guys can form a synchronized swimming team!" Esme exclaimed.

"Do I have to wear pants?" asked Carlisle warily.

"No." Esme replied.

"I'm in!" Carlisle exclaimed, punching his fist in the air.

"Back to practice!" Emmett yelled, as the synchronized swimmers ran to find standing water.

"Tap tap tap tap toot toot toot toot HOLY CHEEZIT! CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE bLoW bLoW bLoW bLoW."

MEANWHILE

"I can't swim." Alice sighed.

"Me neither." Carlisle agreed.

"Define 'swimming'." Jasper said, making air quotes around 'swimming'.

"Keeping your head above water." Alice said, glaring at him.

"Okay, me neither."

"Maybe we should dance hip-hop instead." Carlisle suggested.

"...Why?" Alice asked, raising an eyebrow.

"...I saw a movie." Carlisle said sheepishly.

They sad in subdued silence for a moment.

Then, Jasper yelled,

"EUREKA!"

"What?" Carlisle and Alice asked in unison.

"I dunno, I just wanted to yell 'eureka' and see what you would do." Jasper shrugged.

"Okay, let's go with hip-hop." Alice sighed.

"Yay!" Carlisle yelled.

What will happen to our hip-hopping jug-playing heroes now?

Why doesn't Jacob just suffocate already?

Why is Bella's death SO hysterical?

Will Carlisle get some foreign otter-jock disease from going pants-less?

Read on to find out!

(No, really, if you're still reading, get yourself some help.)