A/N: The timeframe for this story is just after "Quarantine", long before McKeller.

Gargantuan-Colossal-Mammoth thanks go out to Lone-Ranger1 for his assistance with Betas, suggestions, ideas, outline for the story, the distinctly Canadian "cultural" references and, of course, his friendship.

Gracias,

Sunny

Note from Lone-Ranger1: Massive Kudos to TheIceMenace both for making this story, and being a great brainstorming partner. :-P That being said, this story is pretty damn funny, and I still recall Iceasking me one day "I'm doing a story about Chuck. Do you think he might have a dark past?" and it all just snowballed from there. :-P

I really enjoy this story, and I get the feeling anyone who enjoys sitcom style humor will as well:-D

Chuck's Canadian Crime Connection

Chapter 1

Up-Chucking the Past

Chuck logged onto his workstation, and waited impatiently for it to boot up. It took less than a minute, but he was restless and ready to get to work. By the time he was online, Colonel Carter had arrived. She called him into her office for a short meet. Afterward, he worked without interruption until it was time for the weekly dialout. Atlantis would send and receive a databurst as well as send through staff that was rotating back to Earth for vacation, TDY, or reassignment.

Carter didn't need to be present for him to complete the task, but sometimes she came to stand at his side anyway. He figured she just liked to be there, to know what was going on before the rumors started. Or maybe she just needed to get some exercise, to get out of her office for a few minutes. Either way, he knew that she had confidence in him, and in his abilities, so it didn't bother him to have her looking over his shoulder.

He dialed the DHD, confirmed contact with the SGC, and sent the databurst. Another burst was received while the staff rotating back to Earth stepped through the wormhole.

"Transmissions sent, and received." He touched his headset. "We have confirmation that all personnel have reached their intended destination. Shutting down." The sucking sound echoed around the Gate Room, then all was quiet again. Carter smiled at him and gave his shoulder a squeeze.

"Thanks, Chuck."

He smiled back. "You're welcome, Colonel." She crossed back over the bridge to her office, and he watched her go. Not because he had any feelings for her, at least not in any sort of romantic way.

She had an aura around her that was a combination of toughness and compassion that he envied. He had the feeling, too, that it was an innate ability, and not something that had been learned through hard work though that had to have contributed. Turning back to his workstation, he dived into the task of prioritizing and forwarding emails, reports, and other bits and pieces of daily life from their home planet.

A priority message stated that the Daedalus would be leaving Earth within forty-eight hours instead of a week. All supply requests had to be submitted by 2000 today in order to make it to the ship before it departed. Chuck composed an email, and forwarded it to all personnel, then waited for the inevitable onslaught.

More than a few of the staff were procrastinators when it came to completing "paperwork" in a timely manner. The biggest offender, and he wasn't really surprised, was Dr. McKay. However, to the opposite end of that spectrum was Dr. Keller. Without fail, she had her paperwork and supply requisitions completed well in advance.

Because he stayed mostly in the background, it gave Chuck the opportunity to observe his fellow staff members without their knowledge. He didn't invade people's privacy-that would be wrong on so many levels! He merely scrutinized their public interactions, and made private suppositions as to what might be happening, or what it all meant. More often than not, things were not as they seemed. Yet sometimes he found out that it was just as he'd suspected. He did this to amuse himself more than anything else. It wasn't like he was keeping a log of the goings on around the city. He was just interested.

~~O~~

At 1959, Chuck had finally received all the last-minute requests. In Doctor McKay's case, they were demands. He informed Carter, and she authorized a second dial-out. Because they were only transmitting data, the power requirements were negligible compared to when people and equipment were transmitted.

That done, he went to his workstation, and opened the first of several emails he'd received from Earth. The first few were from the SGC, basic everyday stuff. The next few were from family and friends. But there was one with a name he'd hoped never to see again. It went without saying that he never wanted to speak to this person for the remainder of his life. He was about to delete it without reading, but his curiosity got the better of him. When he read the text, his brown eyes widened in disbelief, though he was able to turn a gasp into a simple throat clearing.

"Hey Sneaker,

I've attached something special just for you. Let's get together, and reminisce. Let me know a date and time you're available, and I'll give you the place.

SYS,

Blitz"

Chuck took a deep breath and clicked on the video attachment already knowing what he would see.

A video window popped up and played a short clip of a young man with shoulder-length light brown hair wearing a non-descript black bike helmet. He was using bolt cutters to remove the locks from several expensive bikes while several others stood nearby ready to step in when the deed was done.

Each of them jumped on a bike, and took off in separate directions once the locks had been removed. The video froze, centered on the smiling face below the helmet. There were a few more lines, the hair was darker and much shorter. It was the same face he saw every morning in the mirror when he shaved, and at night when he brushed his teeth.

"Chuck, you okay?" Amelia asked with concern. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

He felt his stomach heave, and swallowed to prevent it. "You could say that."

"Excuse me?"

"Could you cover for me a few minutes, Amelia?"

"Sure." Before she'd even responded, Chuck had bolted from the Control Room and ran down the stairs.

Amelia watched him go with a puzzled frown then noticed he'd left his workstation active. She only arrived on Atlantis recently, and didn't know him well, though she knew enough that it wasn't like him to be so careless. Against her better judgment, she read the cryptic email still displayed. After a quick look around, she played the video. It had obviously been taken by a concealed camcorder. The recording was slightly blurry, the movements jerky and uneven with the audio garbled in places indicating that it was at least a third-generation copy. Even so, Amelia recognized the voice, and there was no mistaking Chuck's face even though the video had been taken nearly eighteen years ago, according to the date stamp in the lower right corner.

It was hard not to keep from bursting out in laughter. Chuck is terrified because he'd stolen bikes?! Son of a… He was the most Canadian Canadian she ever met.

Amelia had hotwired her uncle's classic, and painstakingly restored Rangoon Red Mustang Convertible when she was fifteen. At sixteen, she'd built a fully functioning rocket for shop class. It misfired, and nearly burned down the boys' locker room. It was something she had in common with Chuck. In fact, most of the technicians and scientists on this base had FBI files for their previous work experience.

She'd heard something or other of bike theft rings operating in some of Canada's larger cities, but compared to McKay's past, bike stealing was laughable. Chuck didn't seem like the type to be involved in something criminal, though he'd obviously changed. Everyone at the SGC was subjected to an intense background check before an offer of employment was issued. How could he have… ah, he never got caught!

Whomever this Blitz character was, she had Chuck running scared if he forgot something as important as locking his workstation. That just made the whole situation worrisome, as was the fact that Blitz had to be a woman. Why else would he be so upset? This sounds like a lead-in to blackmail. I wonder what she wants.

Once she'd gotten past the stage of barely controlled laughter alternating with dread, she made the decision then and there to help him in any way possible. He had no idea how special he was. When they spoke he always looked at her face instead of aiming his words at her chest. If there was any way for her to help him with whatever this thing was, she'd do it, whether he wanted her to or not.

~~O~~

Chuck ran into the bathroom, slammed the door, and got his head over the commode just in time. When the vomiting finally stopped, his diaphragm, throat, and head ached. He went to the sink to splash cold water on his face. Cupping one hand under the stream he sucked in a mouthful of water swished it around then spit it out. He did this a few more times then grabbed a towel to dry his face and hands.

Now that the initial shock had eased, he could think a little more clearly, realizing that Blitz couldn't possibly know where he was or what he was involved in. She'd sent the email to an old address he'd never bothered to delete. It was part of the past he'd put behind him when he joined the service. At least he thought he had.

"What does she want?" He asked his reflection. The brown eyes that usually sparkled with humor now darted side to side as if looking for escape. "Well, the only way you're gonna find out is to ask." He looked down at his hands, and realized that he'd twisted the towel into a knot. Tossing it aside, he exited the bathroom, and returned to the Gate Room.

When he arrived back at his post, Amelia and the other techs were tapping industriously at their workstations or involved in intense conversations, and didn't even look up when he seated himself at his station. He jumped up with a yelp when he felt a sharp poke in his backside.

Looking down, he saw the broken tines of a disposable fork. A noise that sounded suspiciously like stifled laughter came from his right. He picked up the pieces, sat down again, and looked over his shoulder. "Funny, Banks. You tryin' to get a 'rise' out of me?"

The American tried and failed to suppress her laughter. It escaped and swirled around him cheering him up against his will. "Just tryin' to liven things up around here, Campbell. I'm bored."

"You'd rather have uninvited guests drop by to make life a little more interesting?"

"It would make a nice change from the mass amnesia caused by the mutated kid's disease, and the quarantine lockdown."

Chuck shrugged. "You're right. It has been a slow month without the Wraith buzzing around." He entered his password to unlock his station. "I'll see what I can do to make things a little more stimulating around here."

"If you could do that sooner rather than later, I'd appreciate it."

"No promises." He opened the file he needed for the project that Carter had assigned him, and got to work. Blitz could wait a few more hours. Besides, he wasn't sure what to say to her yet.

The Mess Hall

Later That Day

Amelia watched Chuck from across the room. He had a tray in front of him, but was just pushing the food around with a fork. She ran down her mental list of reasons why he should accept the help of someone he barely knew, and headed across the room. It's a good thing he's alone, she thought. I wouldn't wanna have this talk in front of his friends, 'cause I'm sure he doesn't want anyone else to know.

~~O~~

Chuck cut up his meatloaf then smashed it into mush. He thought about adding the potatoes and carrots to the mess to see what happened, but didn't. The fork clattered the plate, and he pushed the tray away.

With a heavy sigh, he rubbed his eyes then pushed his hands through his hair making it stand up in imitation of Colonel Sheppard's unruly mop. His stomach and throat were still sore from earlier, and just thinking about eating made his stomach clench. In retrospect, he should have gotten the soup and Jell-O. Closing his eyes and trying not to think about, well, what he'd been thinking about since this morning.

When he opened them again, Amelia was standing in front of him, tray in hand. He gestured for her to join him, and took the seat directly across. She laid her napkin in her lap, and without a word, passed him a steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup, his favorite, and a bowl of Jell-O. He smiled his thanks as he scooped up a spoonful, purposely slurping the noodles, making Amelia roll her eyes. She cut a piece of meatloaf and stuck in her mouth, watching him intently while she chewed.

"What?" The senior Gate Tech finally asked.

"Nothing. I was just thinking that we've worked together for a few weeks now, and I know almost nothing about you."

"Really? A few weeks? Is that all it's been? Seems a lot longer." He teased her with a small smile, and she stuck her tongue out at him. She has a way of cheering me up no matter how bad things are. "What d'you want to know?"

"The basics, to start. Where'd you grow up?"

"Calgary, Alberta."

"Where did you go to college? What degree or degrees do you have?" She stirred her mashed potatoes and gravy, and took a generous bite.

"Ryerson University, Toronto. Computer Science, Electrical and Mechanical Engineering-Master's in each."

"Brothers? Sisters? Older? Younger?"

"One brother, two sisters, all older." He watched her for some indication of why she was asking personal questions but she gave nothing away. "And you want to know this because…?"

"Curiosity. Pets?"

"A dog. Dumb as a bag of rocks, but lovable. Died years ago, and was never replaced."

"Parents?"

With somewhat more of his usual twinkle he said, "Two. One of each." At her eye roll and pointed stare, he added, "Dad's gone, but mom's still around."

She couldn't help but smile at him making a joke even with something hanging over his head. "What did your dad do?"

He paused while he decided how to answer that question. His family had had a major reversal of fortune when he was eight and their entire lifestyle had changed. "He was self-employed as a contractor."

Not exactly a lie. Dad had used the knowledge he'd gained from his construction-worker father while growing up, took classes at the community college and bluffed his way into his first few projects after losing his position as VP of a prestigious corporation.

"Ex-wife or ex-wives? Kids?"

Laughing out loud for the first time since that morning he said, "No, no, and no. At least none that I know of. Kids, that is." He waited, but she didn't continue, just watched him with her unwavering light brown stare. She did that to everyone, and he was getting used to it, sort of.

He thought she was very pretty, especially now with her hair loose around her shoulders instead of in the bun she wore on duty. There seemed to be a little sparkage between them, but he was leery of getting involved with someone he worked with. If it went badly, they'd still have to work together, and it would be awkward. Besides, he'd rather have her as a friend.

"High school sweetheart?"

He hesitated before answering. "Yes." His throat was dry, so he took a long drink of iced tea. "Any more questions, 'Detective'?"

"Yeah. Who's Blitz?"

Chuck just stared at her for a long time then his eyes dropped to his lap as he rubbed his hands together. He took a deep breath, not wanting to answer, but knew she wouldn't let him not. "She's an old friend."

"That's code for 'she's my ex.' You didn't ask how I knew about…"

"I left my workstation active when I went to the bathroom. You obviously read the email, watched the video." She shrugged, and nodded unrepentantly. "You want the whole story?"

Amelia took a drink of her lemonade, and replaced the glass on the table with a thump making the ice rattle. "How else am I gonna help?"

~~O~~

Chuck sighed with resignation and pushed his chair back. "Okay, but not here. I know a place we can go where we won't be disturbed."

"Lead the way." Amelia stood, and followed him out just as Captain Alicia Vega entered.

~~O~~

Alicia saw her buddy Chuck, and the newest Gate Tech, Sergeant Banks, leaving by the patio door. She'd never seen them alone together, and wondered for a moment if they were on a booty call, though their body language said otherwise. It wasn't in Chuck's nature to jump into bed with someone he hardly knew. Only one way to find out for sure. She followed them down the corridor where she waited in the shadows until they'd descended the stairs before tiptoeing after them. They just kept walking and walking avoiding the transports though they'd passed several.

She was just about to give up when the pair stopped in front of a lab that had been cleared just the day before by Doctor McKay's staff. Chuck pulled the access panel off and rearranged the crystals. The door opened. They entered, and it shut again.

No longer being covert, Alicia stepped up to the now closed door, and pressed her ear against it. Two distinct voices could be heard, but not the individual words. Something hinky was going on, and she was determined to find out what, but wouldn't interrupt them, just in case she'd completely misread the signs. Besides, she'd get it out of Chuck later, or else.

Thirty Minutes Later

"You have to tell someone." Chuck and Amelia were sitting across from each other on the floor of the unused lab, him against the wall, and her against the base of the consol.

"That's not all."

"Is it as bad as…" Amelia snickered, "…stealing bikes?"

"I also did a little, uh…" he couldn't meet her eyes, "…hacking into the systems of some of North America's largest corporations."

"What?!" The American's face showed her shock.

"I never stole anything, just poked around a bit, then got out. For practice."

"Well, it worked. You're good!" She reached out and nudged him with her foot. "Don't they have a special prison where the people who commit international crimes check in, but they never check out?" He shrugged. "What if the IOA finds out you lied?"

"Lied? I didn't…"

"Chuck, you lied. Just because you didn't get caught doesn't make it okay."

"I know. I know!" He said reluctantly as he looked down at his hands. "I just, I wanted to put it all behind me, and joining the service was a way to start fresh. I was, and still am, ashamed of the things I did just to make a buck. It may sound cliché, but Atlantis is the first place I've felt like I belonged in a really long time."

Amelia tapped his foot with hers. "You think you're the only one who needed to get away from a less than pristine past?" She let that thought hang in the air without resolving the questions she saw in his eyes. He wouldn't ask them now, she knew that much about him, but one day when she least expected it, Wham! he'd blindside her with a Quid Pro Quo. And because he was her friend, she'll tell all. But she couldn't think about that right now. This was about him.

"So, you think I should…"

"…talk to Sheppard."

Before Chuck could formulate a response, a voice buzzed in his ear. "Colonel Sheppard to Sergeant Campbell."

"Hmph. Speak of the devil," he said under his breath before tapping his headset. "Campbell."

"I need a meet with you in my office ASAP."

"On my way, sir."

Sheppard's Office

Chuck activated the chime for Sheppard's office, and was motioned in. He gestured, and Chuck seated himself in the visitor's chair. The Colonel poured a cup of coffee, and offered his guest one, which was declined. His stomach was still clenching, and he didn't trust the hot liquid to stay down. Sheppard took a long drink, and set the cup down, but before he could speak Chuck blurted out, "I know what this is about, sir."

The dark-haired looked taken aback. "You do?"

"Yes, sir. I lied, and I'm ready to make a full confession."

"You are?" One dark eyebrow was raised in confusion.

Chuck hoped that his pre-emptive confession would lower the penalty, as if ten years in a special brig at Area 51 was any better than twenty. "Yes, sir."

Sheppard shook his finger. "You're the one who switched McKay's coffee to decaf. Brilliant!"

Chuck blinked rapidly a few times. "No, sir. But whoever did, is a lunatic."

The Colonel was still grinning, until he noticed that Chuck had stayed silent. "What's the confession then?"

Chuck sighed, leaned forward in his chair with his elbows resting on his knees, and told his superior officer the entire tale. He left nothing out, reciting word-for-word, the email he'd received that morning, and theorizing what Blitz might want from him. Sitting up straight with his head held high, he said solemnly, "I'm sorry I lied, sir. It's been an honor to work with all the fine people on this expedition. I am ready to accept whatever punishment you deem fair."

The Colonel was dumbfounded. His eyes searched Chuck's face, probably waiting for the punchline. "Are you serious?"

The Gate Tech nodded tersely. He wanted to face the music like a man. "Yes, sir. Every word. I'd rather admit it, and take my punishment, than do anything against the SGC or Atlantis."

Sheppard stared at him, his hands folded on the desk, his face carefully impassive though a twinkle of humor still glinted in his eyes. "This is a joke, isn't it? You and McKay are pulling some elaborate Canadian joke on me, aren't you?" His eyes quickly scanned the room. "Where's the video feed?"

"It's no joke, sir." Chuck couldn't believe it. Isn't the truth supposed to set you free not cause laughter?

"You've been here from day one. You're also one of the few people I trust completely. Stealing a few bikes to pay for college is not an issue. We all have something in our youth that we regret, or are ashamed of. McKay made a nuclear bomb for his grade six science project, for Pete's sake."

"Yes. I heard." That still didn't change the fact that Chuck had committed crimes.

"Did you also hear that it was that incident that brought him to the attention of the SGC? They watched him for years without his knowledge before they offered him a position."

"I committed criminal acts, and planned on turning myself in." Chuck insisted. "But I let Blitz and Shades talk me out of it. After graduation, I went to work for one of the companies I'd hacked. I built them a much more secure system, and was highly praised for my work. But I was restless, and antsy. I just knew they'd find out what I'd done, and that would be the end of the corner office, the personal assistant, and dinners at the most exclusive restaurants in town." He rubbed his hands together. "I joined the RCAF, hoping I could put it all behind me. And I did, until today."

Sheppard began chuckling in earnest. "Enough joking around, Sarge. Tell McKay that next time he should choose a real crime, like jacking a car, or armed robbery."

The Canadian was upset that Sheppard would not believe him. He came to his feet, leaning both hands on the desk, his face close to the Colonel's. "It's. Not. A. Joke. Sir!" A flash drive appeared in his hand. He slid it across the desk, but Sheppard just looked at it as if it would bite.

The humor on Sheppard's face fled as quickly as it arrived, replaced by awe and wonder, making laughter an improper response. "You really are serious. You're worried about having stolen a few bikes to pay for your college education because your family was in dire straights when half the people on this base were once considered threats to national security!"

When he put it that way, Chuck could finally see the humor. His sat down again, his mouth quirked up on one side. "Even so, sir, Blitz could cause trouble."

Sheppard agreed with a nod. "Instead of prosecuting you we'd like your help with something. Someone tried to hack into the SCG on three separate occasions in the last month." He passed a tablet to Chuck so he could view the information. "We've only been able to track them as far as Toronto, Ontario, which brings me to why I called you. Colonel Carter and I would like you to go undercover, locate the people doing this, and gather all the evidence we need to prosecute them."

"Me, sir?" Now it was Chuck's turn to be flabbergasted. He'd come here to confess his sins, and was being asked to take part in an undercover operation.

"You'll need to take a partner in order to comply with the regs…" Sheppard let his voice trail off when Chuck sat up straighter.

"I recognize this coding, Colonel. It's been a long time but…"

Sheppard sighed loudly. "Don't tell me. It's…"

"Blitz. Yes, sir." He was still scanning the info collected from the hack attempts, but he didn't need to see everything. "I can't pass up the opportunity to put away the woman who got me involved in…"

Suddenly it all made sense to the Colonel. "Blitz is a woman?" Chuck blushed, and nodded. "Well, you aren't the first man to do something hinky because of a woman, and you certainly won't be the last, Sarge."

They spent the next three hours mapping out a plan to catch Blitz and her cohorts. Chuck was certain that she had a partner, maybe more than one, and he was more than happy to help bring her to justice. Her partner was probably a man she'd wrapped around her finger just as he'd been, at one time.

Once they completed their plans, Sheppard sent the info to Chuck's workstation. From there, he would send it to his non-networked tablet so he could commit it to memory. The plan was for he and his partner to leave for Earth within three days. "Sir, who're you sending with me?"

"We thought long and hard on it. You'll need someone who knows computers, and can kick some serious butt." He tapped the screen again. "Sergeant Amelia Banks, USAF. Just got here a few weeks ago. An expert in several forms of martial arts, and kickboxing. She also knows computers almost as well as you. A real triple threat."

"Triple threat, sir?"

"Yeah, brains, beauty and brawn." Chuck gave him a halfhearted smile, and turned to go, stopping at Sheppard's next remark. "One more question. What's Blitz's real name?"

TBC