Chapter 2: Liebe
I suppose the only bad aspect of that foul mouthed brat leaving Misato's home was that Shinji became even more upset; it appears as if even the small things began to get to him. Between my apparent death, his father leaving for Europe on extended employment, and Asuka essentially running away to God knows where, Shinji was starting to break. I didn't realize this before, but that boy really did love me. Sure, I cared for him, but nothing near what he felt towards me. It's almost a little disturbing now that I know the truth about myself, but it doesn't matter now. And those antidepressants Misato is having Shinji take? Yeah, he never even opened the bottle. You think they'd keep a better eye on a child with known emotional problems. At the very least make sure he's not cutting himself, right? Though, I guess, he grew up just fine. But I'm getting ahead of myself…
-Five Years Ago-
-Misato's Apartment, Shinji's Mind-
"So you have no idea where she is?" Misato spoke as she dialed Asuka's number yet again, only to have it cut off before it even reached the voicemail. Asuka was clearly screening her calls and hanging up immediately. I didn't need to respond, there was no point. If I knew where she went, I would have told Misato a long time ago. I don't trust that she'll stay out of trouble, "Damn it Asuka, pick up!" it's been three days since Asuka left, and I haven't heard from her since. She told me to call her if I needed anything, but apparently she changed her mind, and I get the same treatment as Misato, "I'm going to kill that girl, I swear."
"I think she just needed some time," she drops the phone on the sofa and rubs her eyes, "She'll be back, I'm sure."
"I doubt it. She's a teenage girl, she's probably convincing herself right now that it's better wherever she is," I've never seen Misato this upset before… it's a little unsettling. Part of me was angry with Asuka for putting her through this, but the majority of me was just worried. I don't care for her on a deep emotional level – not in the least – but she certainly is a friend, and I know very well that she doesn't always make the best decisions. Hell, the last night we spent together she probably would have started drinking if I hadn't stopped her. Come on Asuka… just come home… "You know what I just realized?" she broke the silence and looked up at the unpowered television with surprised eyes, "It's been three days. As self-conscious as she is, there's no way that girl has gone all this time without changing clothes or showering. Sure, she could shower in a bathroom, but that doesn't solve clothes. She must be at a friend's house, right?"
"I guess, yeah, but all I can think of is Hikari and I have no idea where she lives," her fingers flutter across her cellphone keypad, and she was quickly speaking to someone.
"I need the address of a Hikari in Shikinami's class. Text it to me when you have it," without a single greeting or goodbye, she hung up, "I'm going to kill Asuka, I swear."
"Maybe go easy on her? I think something else could be bothering her."
"Oh, she'll have plenty to worry about when I get through with her," her phone rang with Hikari's address, and she was soon on her way out. I decided to follow her – if Asuka was there, Misato would only make things ten times worse. I'm a little scared that Asuka isn't there, though… if she's not, I'm at a loss.
-Present-
-Rei's Mind-
Ah, yet another fork in the road where she could have been saved. So many dominoes, no? Shinji's fear of ever truly being alone and true worry for that red headed junkie led him to ride along with Misato. Knowing him, if he had stayed home, he could have easily convinced her to stay when she had a moment of weakness and chose to come home. Instead, she was left with enough time to rationalize in that mind of hers that coming back was a mistake. Many would call me cruel for finding pleasure in her near-salvation, but I was kept in an emotional cage for far too long to deny myself the privilege of feeling my true emotions. The drugs that Akagi shoved down my throat on a daily basis kept me under control… if by 'under control' you mean mentally and physically crippled to do anything but pilot. They robbed me of any normalcy I could have possibly had, and Asuka only took advantage of the entire situation. I may not love Shinji, but like Misato said, I at least showed him common courtesy. She deserved every ounce of what happened to her.
And there goes my anger again. The bad part about being off of the drugs is that I never really learned to control my emotions growing up since I never had them in the first place, so the smallest emotion can snowball into an avalanche in my mind. Luckily for the people I have enough self-control to not let out my wrath.
But no… more than anything, the reason why I hate her so much is actually a small case of jealousy. She was given everything in this world – a perfect mind that let her pursue anything she wanted, a high rank in the military, amazing looks, money, and damn near anything else one could think of. What did she do with all of these gifts? She threw them away like they were nothing! I wasn't given a choice of a normal life, so when I died no one but Shinji mourned… and hell, even that was taken away from me when you decided he was better put to use feeling you up! But you know what? I'm glad. I could have done away with her from the very beginning, but I chose not to. Nothing I could have done would have been worse than what she put herself through.
-Five Years Ago-
-Misato's Place, Asuka's Mind-
"I knew coming back was a bad idea. Thank God they weren't home," carrying the duffle bag full of my clothes, I walk out of the empty apartment for, what I hope, was the last time. When they didn't answer the door, I simply let myself in and quickly realized how stupid I was being. I left for a reason! That being said, the least I could do is get back my clothes and a few cosmetic necessities.
I should really pick up the phone next time Shinji calls… sure, he's just going to try and convince me to come back, but that will only last a few minutes. I mean, after all, I did tell him to call me, and yet here I am ignoring all of his efforts. Hey, at the very least, I could have a little bit of fun with him, no? But beyond that, it'd be nice to have someone to talk to for once. Three days alone is just a bit too much for me. Yeah, I think I'll call him later on today. Plus, I'd like to show him what I've picked up on, he could use the relaxation… apparently clubs are good for something when the right people approach you.
Within an hour, I was back 'home' in my single room hotel. At first, the owner wasn't willing to rent it out to a kid, but this kid has a few tricks of her own. Leaning over the table and flashing a little bit of cleavage changed his mind damn quick. It was a fairly basic living space: a stand-in shower with a toilet in a bathroom no bigger than a small closet, a so-called kitchen composed of a tiny fridge and sink, and the living space where a bed rested with a nearby sofa in front of a television. It wasn't dirty by any means; it was just sort of in a bad area. Actually, I think this is where Rei used to live… though I could be wrong.
"I always told myself I wouldn't be that kind of teenager," still smirking, I fall back onto the sofa with my hands behind my head and looking up at the ceiling. Three days on my own and I've already made a couple friends. Sure, I still consider myself alone for the time being, but that's only because I don't really know them. They seem like decent people though – I've always been horrible with names, and what they introduced me to wasn't exactly helping the cause.
On my first night out, I decided that going out and meeting some new people wouldn't be a bad idea. Not really wanting to meet people twice my age, I opted for a typical hangout spot for high school kids – the mall. The food court quickly introduced me to a small group, only five, of what some would call punks. You know, the typical teenagers that hang around all day and don't really do anything… not like I'm much better. The only difference between me and them is my lack of soliciting. Of course, we ended up talking and eventually made our way to one of the guy's house. I've never really been immersed in the environment where drugs would even be an option, which is why when the older male pulled out a bag of what appeared to be oregano, I was shocked. I'm not ignorant – I know very well what it was, I just was far from expecting it. I never said it, but they all knew very well I was a virgin to the stuff, so they went easy on me. a single hit was all I needed to feel the effects… drug tolerance has never been my forte.
In short? I freaking loved the stuff. That was probably the best night of my life, and it was all because of a little high! We didn't even do anything – just sat around and talked. But it was fun! No worries, you know? I think Shinji would like this too… which is why I bought a pipe and a small amount from the guy. He was still a teenager, though no younger than seventeen; his living was clearly based on selling drugs, specifically marijuana. He had a back room absolutely filled with growing plants, and a side room where he dried them out. I'll be sure to stay in contact with him.
I've had my phone in my hand for the past hour, hoping that either Shinji would call or I would find the courage to text him. The absolute only reason why I haven't texted him is because I'm sure he and Misato are sitting right next to each other, probably worrying about me… whatever, he'll call eventually, right? Two hours of annoyed sighs, slight chuckles from the television, and munching on salt crackers later, that predictable little idiot calls me just like I knew he would. Of course, I let it ring for as long as possible.
"Hey Third, what's up?"
"W-What's up? What do you mean? Where are you?" I suppose I should have expected that reaction…
"Is Misato in the room with you?" a short pause gave me my answer, "Yeah, thought so. I'll talk to you later!"
"Hold on! No, she's not here, I swear. Let me come talk to you, please," jeez, never thought even he could sound that pleading, "Are you at least safe?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Got a pen and paper?" thirty seconds later, I had given him directions to my apartment and hung up the phone. I changed into a pair of denim shorts and a tight black t-shirt – everything else was wrinkled beyond use. I'll have to get to work on that tonight, but for now, this is fine.
It'll be good to talk to someone I know! You know what? I'm in a good mood. Why don't I cook for him for once? Hell, I haven't even tried that since before my accident… "Ah crap," no food. I've pretty much married this amazing ramen place down the street – they, of course, sell ramen, but they also sell quite a bit of Western food… a little ironic, but whatever. Honestly, people over there eat bowls of lettuce? How is that possibly a meal? If it doesn't have some kind of meat or fish, I don't want it. And hell, the fresher the better! Back in Germany, seafood was certainly available, but not nearly as common as it is here. Beef, on the other hand, was amazing! Just through proxy, I ended up eating my steaks similar to how one of my guardians at the time ate them – rare as rare can be. Twenty seconds on the grill for each side, slap it on a plate, and there you go! Thankfully, that ramen place sells nice chunks of meat for a good price. I suppose walking there could suffice…
"Coming, coming," the doorbell finally rang when it was about six in the evening, "Welcome to my humble abode," he was clearly irritated as he entered, and I simply smiled at him, "What, you don't like it? I'm hurt, I really am."
"Asuka, what are you doing? You can't just leave and rent your own place!" I sarcastically look around, "You know what I mean!"
"You're welcome to move in if you want," his head follows me as I walk by and sit on the sofa, crossing my legs, "I thought about it, so if you want, just bring your stuff over. The bed is obviously mine, but you can buy one for pretty cheap," he was clearly still angry with me. But why? I'm giving him a great opportunity!
"I'm not leaving Misato and neither should you. I think you're being real childish about this whole thing, don't you? 'Oh, I'll show you! I'll go live out on my own!' This is just stupid!" is he yelling at me? Since when did our roles change?
"Hey, I didn't invite you over so you could chew me out," I cross my arms and finally lose the smile. Who does he think he is? "You know, I wanted to spend some time with you, but if you're going to be like this you can just leave. There's the door," I turn on the television and look past him. I can't believe I actually wanted to stay friends with this idiot! Who knew he could be so rude?
"You can come home whenever you want," he walks towards the door and stops at the frame right before leaving, "I make a plate for you every meal. Misato stays up all night worrying. I haven't slept since you left. There're people who care about you, remember that," I roll my eyes one last time before he leaves.
-Present-
-Rei's Mind-
Seeing Shinji like that actually would have made me weep if I had the ability. Not because I felt bad that he had unrequited love – and yes, at this point, he did believe that he loved her – but because I knew what would come to pass. He would grow up to see her digress more and more as the years passed, and he never truly got over her. Hell, he never really got over me. Sure, he had relationships throughout high school, and is dating a cute girl as a freshman in college right now, but he's never really loved any of them. The majority of them were simply place holders for his emotions or, on one or two occasions, no more than walking sex toys. The day he left that house, the Asuka he knew died permanently. She didn't change at all in that instant, but in the short amount of time between his leaving and his next visit, the proud, confident, stubborn young woman turned into something much viler, belonging in some public service announcement commercial.
I've had plenty of time to reflect on my emotions towards the boy. At the time of my death, I still don't believe that I loved him. I had strong feelings, absolutely, but no more than what two close friends would have. But as time passed and I looked down on him… it makes me loathsome of the fact that I'll never be with him. I know my past, and I know where I come from, but it doesn't matter! Do I love him now? I haven't the slightest clue – it's about the only thing I don't know. But I know it could blossom into something beautiful between us… maybe one day, right Shinji? Looking down at him holding a beer and watching television in the dark at two in the morning, I just knew he could feel me smiling.
A/N – I actually like where this fic is going quite a bit… much more than my past works. Yeah, it's not quite as long as I would hope, but I'm thinking about keeping the chapters about 3k words long each. There's not as much content to speak on as my other works, so I'd rather focus on quality over quantity. For those of you also reading Game On!, I'm trying to do a chapter on this, a chapter on that, and back and forth. Anyway, now that you all have some more backstory, how do you like it? Anything you would like to see changed? Don't hesitate to tell me what you don't like or what you would like to see more of, I love it when readers give input to the story's evolution! I'll see you all soon, keep on keepin' on!