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Prompt: List: 20 rules you've broken - Naruto
Warnings: ninja-violence, mention of perversion, and Naruto's blatant disregard for rules and regulations of any kind.
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Konoha Kung Fu – 20 Broken Rules
By Renatus
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1) A Shinobi must never show their emotions.
Naruto contended this rule in two major ways throughout the entirety of his life:
First, his reputation throughout the entire Five Great Shinobi Nations as being a ninja who wore his heart on his sleeve without restraint, hesitation or regret (and lived).
Second, the thrice-yearly self-given mission to break into the Konoha Academy and erase the rule from all of the Academy's teaching plans (which Iruka would then have to spend the time to fix).
2) Respect the Hokage Monument.
The first time Naruto defaced the Hokage Monument he was five years old.
The second time, he was twelve and did a much more satisfactory job of showing his displeasure for all things authority. He left the Yondaime's head untouched and paid special attention to the Third's.
At age sixteen when the Council debated giving him to Danzo's Root Division for re-training, he did it again, along with each of the council members' personal residences, just to make sure that they got his point. He had a lot of help in the form of most of the Konoha Twelve and their various friends.
They did it in broad daylight and no one stopped them.
When Tsunade heard about it she spent three hours laughing her ass off. She left him off of any punishment for it, and instead offered him free ramen meals for a month. Naruto didn't see her touch her sake for a week and she smirked every time she saw Danzo for nearly a year.
3) Hatake Kakashi is Konoha's Number One Perverted Jonin.
…until Uzumaki Naruto became a Jonin and trumped him on the technicality that Naruto hadn't yet been a Jonin to have claimed the title previously. After all, Kakashi's continuous reading of the Icha Icha series couldn't top Naruto's take over of the writing of said series' twice-yearly special volumes. Kakashi's devotion to the Icha Icha series merely went up several impossible notches when Jiraiya and Naruto began to trade off writing duties, and the masked Jonin was hard-pressed to say which author he preferred.
Or was more proud of.
No one who regularly read the series complained about the additional author, as they just got to read twice the amount of books that were previously published.
Hatake Kakashi was still Konoha's Number One Most Obvious Perverted Jonin (unless Jiraiya was in town, but Kakashi refused to relinquish his title on the basis that Jiraiya was a Sennin, and therefore, no longer a Jonin). Uzumaki Naruto had a healthier sense of survival than either of his white-haired teachers and was far more cautious about where he both wrote and read the conspicuous orange-bound books.
He also had a significant other who was a part of the female side of the population and was capable of making his life something akin to hell. Kakashi, Naruto knew, didn't mind passing out on his couch when the man was too lazy to walk the few meters to his bed, but Naruto much preferred the shared warmth of his bed over the lonely, lumpy cushions of his old couch.
4) Fox-brats are not allowed within Tachibana's.
Uzumaki Naruto learned this at the tender age of six. Tachibana's was the covered market that stretched across three wide, alleys near the center of Konoha, and was piled high with local Fire-grown produce, hand-made wares and fresh sweet breads. It was overseen by the rotund Tachibana Eiji, who had sharper eyes than most ANBU and a severe dislike for the village's resident Jinchuriki. Naruto never did learn why the hawk-eyed man didn't like him, but Naruto found great pleasure in sneaking into the market whenever Tachibana's guard went down.
Naruto thoroughly enjoyed this game for nearly a year, at which point Tachibana hired a Genin team to guard the entrances so he could deal with his paperwork without having to run the blonde kid off and Naruto had to revise his strategy for pissing the big man off.
Naruto let loose a horde of local rats in the middle of the market on a busy weekday morning.
The Genin team spent three days rounding them all up from the market area and releasing them into the village's surrounding forest.
Naruto went home with a basket full of filched sweet bread, a black eye and a newfound hate for all things produce.
Tachibana never hired a Genin team again.
5) Never, ever, challenge Mitarashi Anko to a duel.
An unspoken rule that is somehow well known to all Konoha Jonins, ANBU, Chunin and any Genin unfortunate enough to have come within a ten meter radius of the woman. Naruto got a sense of the rule during his first Chunin Exam. Though, after battling Orochimaru, Akatsuki and a host of other various sadistic ninja, Naruto didn't really remember the woman as being all that scary – just a little crazy.
Naruto was sixteen and still a Genin when he challenged Anko to a spar, under the pretenses of the woman having 'accidentally' upended his favorite ramen on his head after he called her The Crazy-Bitch within her hearing.
Naruto spent two weeks in the hospital, and it would have been two months, if not for his advanced healing rate and the unsuspecting new medic-nin who didn't see the ninja wire coming fast enough to stop his escape. Naruto heard that Sakura-chan had nearly beat the poor guy to a pulp for letting him go without being released. Naruto subsequently spent the two months he was supposed to be in the hospital hiding from the pink-haired demon before she caught him at Ichiraku's and gave him a suitable reason to return to Konoha's Intensive Care Ward.
6) Booby-trapping the Hokage's desk is not a sanctioned means to alleviate boredom.
…especially if it is before noon and the Hokage is one Tsunade of the Sennin after a night of more sake than is healthy for three bears and a nasty loosing streak in the local gambling house (which, Hokage or not, threw her out after she smashed their third cards table).
It took Naruto ten minutes to extricate himself from the wall, another five for his head to stop spinning and three minutes to make his way back through the three walls, two offices and one hallway he had been punched through, just in time to be bodily picked up and tossed out of the Hokage's window for a refresher course in How a Ninja Lands on his Feet after a four-story freefall.
7) Ninjutsu is not allowed during a game of Ninja-tag.
Akamaru (on his master's orders) attempted to sever his arm from his body after Naruto used Kage Bunshin to evade Kiba's attempts to tag him. Unfortunately for Akamaru, it was another Bunshin which upon dissipation warned the real Naruto that he would have to avoid the Inuzuka (and likely the rest of those in the game) for quite some time after being caught cheating.
Kiba argued that tagging a Bunshin was still a legitimate tag, especially since using Bunshins at all was cheating in a game where Ninjutsu was against the rules.
Naruto argued that a Shinobi's second most useful art was the art of cheating – second only to the art of successfully outrunning Iruka-sensei (which Naruto thought to be practically impossible, and a far more notable feat than outrunning both the Konoha Police and the ANBU – together).
8) Classified information should not be shared with new Genin.
Naruto had known the location of Konoha's Interrogation Department since he was seven when he gained the skills to trail one of the ANBU back to it. No one ever bothered to tell him, or make sure that he knew, that knowing the location of the Interrogation Department without proper security clearance or rank was not only frowned upon but illegal as well.
So when Naruto led his three Genin students on an infiltration training spree directly into the Department Headquarters building (when he still didn't have the proper clearance to even know of the building's existence let alone its location) he and his Genin got a first hand look at how Konoha interrogates spies and how easily it is for Morino Ibiki to make someone disappear. He also didn't expect to find himself in Konoha's Correctional Facility (note: jail) for a week on the charges of sharing sensitive information, breaking and entering and escaping Morino's most secure holding cell and then breaking his three miniature cohorts-in-training out with him.
At least Naruto learned the power of Icha Icha special editions as bribes to jail guards, and where Shikamaru spends three days out of every week on guard duty.
Afterwards, Morino Ibiki occasionally drafted Iruka-sensei to kidnap Naruto (as Iruka was still the only person in Konoha with the capability to do so) in order to lock the blonde in another cell just to see how long it would take the boy to get bored, break out of it and escape.
Naruto called him a sadistic bastard with a case of repressed incarceration tendencies.
Morino called it testing his security.
9) Ninja training is recommended to take place within a designated training area.
Naruto liked the Konoha training grounds well enough. He had many fond memories from Training Ground Seven as well as the Forest of Death and the abandoned warehouse outside the north wall that had been converted to an ANBU training ground complete with more booby-traps than the old Uchiha Mansion.
Despite his fondness for Konoha's various training grounds, he thought that some of the best training occurred in more real life situations and locations. Some of those locations included Konoha's Torture and Interrogation department, Konoha's Correctional Facility (which was particularly useful in teaching young Genin teams how to escape prisons and jails and generally deal with the whole in-prison thing), Tachibana's Market, Konoha's outer security wall and the Hokage Monument – among other equally public or restricted areas.
10) Unsuspecting Jonins are not acceptable target practice for new Genin teams (or Academy Students).
Naruto first learned this when he charged his young Genin team to trail Yamanaka Ino and gather any and all information they could on the woman. His team had been dragged back to him (where he was lounging in a tree in the training grounds reading the latest Icha Icha volume) by an irate blonde kunoichi with more than is healthy experience in interrogation. Both Naruto and his three Genins had spent the following three days in Konoha's General Hospital under Sakura's careful watch.
Naruto avoided Ino for three months before she cooled down enough for him to get within three blocks of her and close enough for him to try and make it up to her.
Naruto's second lesson with this rule was when he led his Genin's in an (he thought) ingenious training exercise wherein they attempted to infiltrate Konoha's Torture and Interrogation Department.
His third run-in with the rule involved the use of a dozen shock tags, smoke bombs, Kakashi's over-trapped apartment, five hours of surveillance, two minutes of fighting and about fifty yards of ninja wire. Their target, the perverted Jonin's entire collection of Icha Icha, was never even touched.
Naruto had been reminded why Kakashi had been a viable candidate of the Hokage position and why the man had gotten his own page in the Bingo Books before he was even an ANBU. Naruto also re-learned the effectiveness of the technique Kakashi called Konoha's Secret Technique: 1,000 Years of Pain.
His Genins never let him near ninja wire while they were around him again.
Kakashi told both Sakura and Ino who the second mysterious author of the Icha Icha series was. Naruto spent another three months avoiding both of the girls and Ichiraku's (because they knew exactly how to corner him there).
He never attempted to steal Kakashi's Icha Icha series again, but he did manage to booby-trap a large swath of area completely surrounding the man's apartment, which had trapped all of the man's neighbors, two rookie ANBU and Ichiraku's daughter Ayame (as she was sneaking out of his apartment early in the morning) – but not Kakashi.
11) Men are not allowed in the women's side of the onsen.
Naruto was quite sure that Jiraiya had never in his life heard of this rule, and the only reason the perverted hermit didn't spend his life in the women's side of the baths was because he wanted to keep his life at least mostly intact (at least long enough for Tsunade to come to her senses and fall madly and irreversibly in love with him). The second reason Jiraiya hadn't drowned amongst a female-filled hot bath was because the sennin could not do Naruto's signature Sexy Jutsu without looking like a frog with boobs and far too much hair, a disguise that couldn't get the man through the door, let alone in the water.
Naruto, however, spent countless hours soaking amidst the chatter of the village females under the disguise of being one of them, while his enhanced hearing picked up the low, perverted giggling of one or both of his sensei's through the fence behind him.
12) Sons take after their fathers.
It was an uncontested fact that the only things the Yondaime Hokage and his son had in common was the color of their hair and the flee on sight order issued by Iwagakure.
This fact didn't seem to bother Naruto much as he was absolutely enamored with the stories that Tsunade would tell about his mother's pranks against the entirety of Konoha's ninja population (including the hard-ass council members and advisors, and sometimes also Konoha's civilians) and especially the torture she put his father through during his three-year attempt at courtship to a woman who was smaller than Sakura and more scary.
13) The Konoha Memorial Cenotaph is reserved for the honor of Loyal Konoha Shinobi fallen in battle.
Naruto carved Sasuke's name into the stone himself, with his claws, the same as he had scratched out the Leaf symbol of Sasuke's hitai-ate when they were thirteen, the same as he had raked four long lines down the length of his friend's back when they were sixteen, and the same as he had put his fist through Sasuke's right lung when Orochimaru attacked Konoha from within the body of the Uchiha only a year after.
While Tsunade and Kakashi fought the freed Orochimaru, Naruto held Sasuke's convulsing body as Sakura poured her chakra into his lung. Sasuke's eyes stayed locked on his as the wound stitched closed and his breathing no longer included wet blood filling his lungs.
The quick healing lasted only long enough for Sasuke to step in between Naruto and Orochimaru's sword.
Orochimaru had better aim than Naruto did. The Snake Sennin didn't miss his heart.
Naruto lowered Sasuke's body to the ground, then he tore Orochimaru's snake body apart with the aid of four of the Kyubi's tails and Orochimaru's own sword.
When he heard Homura complaining about a traitor's name being undeserved on the memorial, Naruto carved the name once again – into the flesh of the man's arm.
Tsunade told him once that Homura's wound had never fully healed.
14) Ninja Rule Number 4: A Shinobi must always put the mission first.
Naruto was willing to follow the rule until the mission got in the way of his precious people; namely, their safety, which he would always put before any mission. He learned this during his Genin days and was willing to discard Ninja Rule Number 4 ever since.
15) The knowledge that the Kyubi was sealed inside Uzumake Naruto is an S-Class secret and anyone who knows the secret is forbidden to communicate it to anyone who does not.
Naruto told the entire group of the Rookie Nine, plus Team Gai and Sai when he was sixteen. This was shortly after Sasuke's death, and Naruto's unhidden use of the Kyubi shroud directly in front of Konoha's main gates. He told them before they even asked the question.
He later also told Konohamaru when the boy joined his ANBU squad.
Then he told all three of this children when they each earned their Hitai-ate.
When he was made Rokudaime, he eradicated the rule entirely.
16) Ninja Rule Number 25: A Shinobi must never show tears.
Naruto learned this rule very early in his life, though he had learned it as a Rule for Survival, rather than as a Ninja Rule, and he had adopted it more as an effort to thwart the collective village's views of him than anything else.
He went nearly eight years before he broke it when he was twelve and he stood before the bare-marked graves of Momochi Zabuza and Haku. He was never sure, but he suspected that he had broken it earlier on that mission – when he was still on the bridge and he had thought his best friend slash greatest rival had died for him. He still sees that moment as the first time he acknowledged that his precious people were more important than any rule, regulation or mission.
Naruto periodically broke the rule throughout the rest of his life. He didn't bother to hide his tears when Sasuke left Konoha or all three times he tried and failed to bring him back – as well as the fourth time that he didn't fail. He cried along with Sakura that time, their tears bittersweet as they carried their lost teammate's broken and lifeless body home.
His tears nearly blinded him when he carved Sasuke's name into the Cenotaph.
He didn't hide them when Gaara had died – or when the Kazekage had woke up again. Naruto didn't hide his tears when Jiraiya died. Nor when he finally realized that the old perverted hermit wasn't coming back. He cried every year on that day.
Naruto cried, too, when his first wife died bringing their twin children into the world. He remembered, through his tears, that her pale eyes were crying too, though she still smiled at him. Hinata had cradled his cheek in her weak hands – hands that were soft and gentle but held the power to kill or to heal with barely a touch. She had whispered that she loved him with her last breath. He cried for her often.
Naruto cried – out of joy and pride – when his twin children graduated from the Academy and received their Hitai-ate's. He cried enough for both him and their mother, whom he knew would be so proud of them. He didn't bother to hide those tears either.
He cried out of joy and sheer relief when his second wife birthed his third child, and didn't die from the strain like Hinata had (and like his own mother had). He named his second son Ikiiki, full of life. He had both his parents' blonde hair and blue eyes, his mother's temper and his father's exuberance.
Naruto hadn't followed Ninja Rule Number 25 since he was twelve.
He never told anyone else to follow it. He happily used Ninja Rule Number 25 as a prime example of rules that were made to be broken.
17) Mission reports are required to be handed in within 24 hours of a team's return to Konoha.
…which is probably why neither his peers, the Godaime, nor his Genins would allow Naruto to even get his hands on their mission reports.
18) Konoha Council members are to be treated with the respect they deserve.
Naruto, for the entirety of his life, stubbornly stated that this was one rule that he never broke.
Most others would claim that he never followed it.
19) Uzumaki Naruto is the Number One Most Surprising Ninja in Konoha.
When Naruto was promoted to Jonin he also gained the rank of Number One Most Surprising Ninja in the Five Shinobi Nations. His two-page spread in the Bingo Books (which he had had since he was fifteen) was even listed under that title, among many other, less flattering ones.
He always figured that it was his unrestrained penchant for breaking rules that gave him that title.
Few ever bothered to say otherwise.
20) Uzumaki Naruto would never make Hokage.
Naruto first began to break this oft-mentioned rule when he was eight and first declared that he was going to be the best Hokage that Konoha had ever seen – loudly and from the top of the Third's Head on the Hokage Monument right before two ANBU teams threatened to truss him up like a pig (whom he evaded just to be caught by Iruka-sensei who did truss him up like a pig).
Tsunade acknowledged his dream when he was thirteen and she placed the First Hokage's necklace around his neck. He promised her he would be Hokage long before he let the necklace's streak of bad luck kill him off. His luck was stronger than any piece of pretty stone anyways. Not to mention his stubbornness, which was arguably on par with the Kyubi's fury.
Naruto continued to wage war against the unspoken rule when Tsunade officially named him a contender to the position of Rokudaime when he was nineteen. Tsunade also named Hatake Kakashi as a contender (just to shut up the Council's objections against Naruto being an inappropriate choice). Naruto seriously considered assassinating him but decided that it wouldn't be good for his and Jiraiya's Icha Icha business to kill off their number one customer. Plus, he kinda liked Kakashi. Naruto didn't bother to take into consideration that Kakashi was a master at silent killing and that Naruto, himself, was incapable of any sort of silence whatsoever.
Sarutobi Konohamaru did not have Naruto's restraint. He ended up in the hospital under Sakura-chan's delicate care after Kakashi introduced the young teen to Konoha's 1,000 Years of Pain Technique when the boy attempted to stab him with a chopstick at Ichiraku's. Konohamaru was left sprawled in the street and accidentally swore in front of Kurenai, who was walking by and was severely displeased with his habit of swearing.
Naruto avoided her for a month, knowing that the red-eyed woman accurately pin-pointed her nephew's swearing knowledge to come solely from the resident hooligan. He was well aware that the woman was capable of trapping him in some sort of nightmare genjutsu for the sole reason of punishing him for giving Konohamaru a wider vocabulary in vulgarity than most ANBU operatives.
Naruto was twenty-two when he was officially named as the up-coming Rokudaime, and Tsunade began to hand her paperwork over to him with the excuse that he needed to learn how to be a Hokage by doing her work for her. Naruto made it a habit to leave at least five clones with her in the morning, as she had a habit of trying to punch him through a wall whenever he made a mistake. If the five clones ran out before noon, Naruto would take his young Genin team and disappear, no matter at what point in a mission or training they were in, as the Godaime hated being stuck with all the paperwork because her temper got the better of her and she had just pummeled the last of her Naruto clones drafted into slavery for the day.
Uzumkai Naruto took his place as the Rokudaime Hokage when he was twenty-eight.
Naruto stood atop the head of the Fourth on the Hokage Monument and yelled his accomplishment loud enough for the gate guards at the far end of the village to hear him.
No one threatened to tie him up for it.
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A/N: Inspired in part by H.E. Gray's story, Things Team Nineteen are No Longer Allowed to Do. Also Kraken's Ghosts' story, Twenty Matters of Pride to Hyuuga Neji.
They are in my favorites list. Fun stuff.