I'll probably upload this story pretty fast.
Thanks for the wonderful reviews Ladies!

1

Melody Hassan had never seen a case of a young woman so much in the depths of despair. Outwardly, she seemed fine. She held a job and an apartment but under the surface, she was a broken and beaten human being. Melody studied her as she spoke. Her hair hung brushed but unstyled, her clothes nearly matronly, and her lack of make-up accentuated the plainness of her face under her thick rimmed glasses. As she talked about her life at the bank, Melody plotted how to bring out this girl's beauty. A little eyeliner, a bit of curl, a pretty dress and she could be lovely. Yet even with suggestions of bettering her look, something was stopping her. Melody didn't yet know what held her back from putting in that effort, but she was beginning to put the puzzle together. A rich, privileged childhood led to a huge event that caused her mother's breakdown and this girl's suicide attempt. Institutionalized and medicated, she became functional and that was it. Melody had been seeing her for six years. She still hadn't earned the trust that would reveal the whole story, yet the girl returned to sit in her office, over and over. She told Melody that his was the only place she felt comfortable. So Melody continued to see her.

Amber hated herself. Sometimes the pain was just too much. She felt she was a waste of space and told the therapist over and over that she took too much of her time. Melody was kind. She let her make small payments for the time she spent with her and insisted that it was more than enough. When she couldn't afford to pay a thing, Melody put an arm around her slight frame and told her that it would be a Christmas present or Birthday gift. While Amber begged to be billed for the sessions, those bills never arrived. Kindness was not something Amber was used to and while she pushed the therapist away when it came to her emotional state, she felt that this woman was her only friend. If she didn't have Melody, she would probably crack again. No not probably, she surely would. This lady with the great husband and beautiful children was her imaginary family. She couldn't live without her.

Somehow she could never bring herself to tell Melody what happened to her. The events of 1962 were too painful and when she began to relay the story, she began to shake and feel dizzy. She just couldn't talk about it. The show, the pageant, her mother screaming and running into traffic after her breakdown, the dread, the despair, how everyone hated her, how they treated her, how good it felt to slide that knife through her forearms, knowing that it would take away the pain, yet finding herself in a much more painful situation in the institution. Wonderful caregivers by day, abusive orderlies at night. They took her innocence and ego. She would never recover from what they did. The lithium could only help her seem to function like a human. In reality, she knew that she only existed, she didn't live. And while the lure of suicide never left her mind, the fear of that institution frightened her enough not to try it again. She had been a failure her entire life, even in her attempt at death. She knew that she would never succeed. She never succeeded at anything.

During her time in Woman's shelters after leaving the institution, she saw every one of her accomplishments as less than everyone else. She got the job as a waitress; other women got jobs in shops. She got As in her accounting classes; others took Science classes at much higher levels. Not to say that every person she came upon did not think her to be kind and noble, it's just that Amber knew better. She was dirt beneath their feet. She was grateful for the care they showed her, it's just that she knew it would only last as long as she had something to offer them. That was her life. The way it was. She couldn't count on anyone, nor would she. She was on her own, plain and simple. It was easier not to care. One is only hurt by one's own expectations and she learned not to expect. She was never disappointed.

After making it through the community college, she applied for a job at a local bank. She was bright when it came to numbers and this job was perfect. No customer service, just reconciling numbers. She sat in a back office by herself and worked the adding machine. People tried to talk to her, to make her feel welcome, but Amber knew that they were being nice, nothing more and as time wore on, they left her alone. The hellos and goodbyes were good enough. The job was perfect for her. She didn't have to deal with anyone.

So as the years went by, she settled in nicely to her lonely existence. It really didn't matter if she enjoyed it or she didn't. She was there. She and her cat. They watched TV and ate from the same bowl. He may not have been human but he was her only friend. She knew that if she ever succeeded as her mother did, to end her life, this cat would do fine without her. He was a cat after all who didn't need a human being. Neither did she.

Yet Melody always tried. She invited her to holidays and picnics, hoping that she could find someone to see the person inside the wallflower. Amber turned down every invitation. She would come to their house alone, but never for social occasions. When Melody watched her with talking with the children before dinner, she could see how much love was inside this girl. It was painful to watch her dealing with adults after she was singing and playing with the little ones. Amber told her over and over that children didn't see how horrible she was. Melody tried to make her see that she was beautiful, Amber knew otherwise.

"Will you be with us Sunday, Amber?" Melody asked as their session ended, "It's only my sister's family and ours. Will you join us?"

Amber wouldn't meet her glance. "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I won't be able to make it."

"Janette is waiting for you to teach her a new dance. She'll be so disappointed." Melody cajoled, using her daughter as her excuse.

Amber genuinely smiled, "Tell her I can come another day." She thought for a second, "Saturday! Tell her I'll come Saturday. We'll watch American Bandstand together. She'll like that."

Melody sighed. "She will, but all of us would like it if you joined us on Sunday"

"Maybe another time, okay?"

Melody knew there would not be another time. There never was. Amber would come on Saturday, laugh, sing and amuse her children to no end. It was always the same. Amber gave them such joy, but she never received the joy they offered back. The girl knew that one day those children would grow up and see her for what she was. Totally a figment of her own broken ego, she saw herself as a shadow. Amber was sure they would realize it one day.

As she opened the door to leave Melody put an arm around her. "Make sure you eat Amber. I'm going to ask you next time. You're looking skinny again." She smiled as she rubbed her shoulder, "You need enough energy for my kids, right?"

Amber smiled weakly and said nothing as she left.