So I rewrote this. It won't have a huge impact on the plot overall, now that I've got the hang of writing the episodes without keeping every line.
Ianto stood in the entrance to the corridor, tucked behind a section of wall, and watched, agape, as the irate bride and the bewildered alien proceeded to have a vitriolic bickering match. Neither one spared him a glance, both distracted with their conundrum.
"I was halfway up the aisle..." the woman wailed. "I was just seconds away when you... drugged me or something."
"I haven't done anything!" the Doctor insisted defensively. He ducked around the console pulling controls as she hounded him.
"We're 'aving the police on you! Me and my husband... soon as he is my husband, we're gonna sue the living backside off you!"
He shot her another peeved glance, spotted Ianto lurking in the corner and mouthed, 'help!' pressing buttons at random. Ianto's eyes widened as the woman made a dash for the TARDIS doors.
"No! No, don't, wait a minute!" They died off and he followed to stand next to her as she stared into space; literally, at a swirling, colorful miasma of a dying sun. Even from a distance, Ianto was mesmerized by the sight.
"You're in space," the Doctor sighed. "Outer space. This is my... space ship. It's called the TARDIS."
"How am I breathing?"
"The TARDIS is protecting us."
"Who are ya?" she probed warily.
"I'm the Doctor. That's Ianto, over there." She whipped around as Ianto's 'bunny rabbit in the headlights' look became a grimace and a half-hearted wave.
"Did you kidnap him, too?"
"No, no, no! He was invited." The Doctor shrugged and stage-whispered, "I think he's shy. 'S your name, then?"
"Donna."
He looked her over. "Human?"
"Yeah. That optional?"
"Is for me," he replied casually. Their backs were to him, but Ianto could almost see the exasperated sarcasm that she used to cover her disbelief.
"You're an alien."
"Yeah."
"Is he an alien?"
"Nope. I don't think. Haven't asked him properly, actually. Oi, Ianto? You human?"
"Last time I checked," Ianto muttered, somewhat embarrassed.
Donna remained frozen for a long moment, but seemed to recover quickly. "It's freezing with these doors open."
The Doctor slammed the doors closed and darted back to the console like a bothered wasp. "I don't understand it, and I understand everything. This - this can't happen! There is no way a human being can lock itself onto the TARDIS and transport itself inside." He grabbed an optic device hanging from a tool-bag below the console and began studying her with it, right up in her personal space, prattling to himself in scientific terms at a ridiculous speed. She didn't take kindly to this examination, and promptly slapped him. "What was that for?" he yelped.
"GET ME TO THE CHURCH!"
"Right! FINE! I don't want you here anyway!"
Appalled at the both of them, Ianto decided to intervene. "Doctor!"
"What?!"
"Right, that's enough." Ianto strode forward towards the console as the Doctor drew himself up, thrown by the abrupt change in attitude. "Look, could you just - keep still? Thank you. Now - Donna, yes?"
"Yeah." She narrowed her eyes.
Ianto floundered, gesturing at the padded foam chair. "Er... have a seat? And if you'd tell us which church, and where?"
She didn't sit, but spoke a little more calmly. "St. Mary's, Hayden Road. Chiswick. London. England. Earth," she added scathingly. "The Solar System."
"That should do, thank you. Doctor, can you get us there?"
"Hmm? Yes. Right, yes! Chiswick!"
Ianto pinched the bridge of his nose as the Doctor skittered about pressing buttons and pulling levers. "Now, could you tell us exactly what happened?"
Unable to draw any conclusions from Donna's description of a 'humming, glowy, dizzy sort of feeling', Ianto's attempt to coordinate what they would say to her family and the wedding guests about the incident devolved spectacularly. Donna had laid eyes on Rose's shirt that had been folded over the rails, and thrown further accusations of abduction. Just when he'd smoothed things over, she commented, "Well, at least one of you's got some manners -"
To which the Doctor piped up, "Are you saying I'm rude? Actually, I am a bit rude. You got to be ginger, I always wanted to be ginger, but no, I got to be rude. Rude and not ginger." She gaped at him, and Ianto was grateful when they ground to a landing and spilled out of the box onto a city alley.
"I said 'Saint Mary's'. What sort of Martian are you? Where's this?"
"Something's wrong with her..." the Doctor mumbled, stroking the side of the TARDIS. "It's like she's... recalibrating!" He darted back inside.
Ianto frowned, trying to keep up with his movements. "Perhaps we're close by, shall we -"
"Donna!" the Doctor called from the console. "You gotta think, anything you might have done that caused this?" Donna ignored both of them, staring at the box. She poked her head around the side, checking the panels while the Doctor continued to babble.
When she reappeared on the other side, Ianto gave a tiny shrug. "I'm fairly sure the ship is supposed to be like that."
"-you getting married to? You sure he's human?"
Donna only gave him a distressed look. "Leave me alone, I just want to get married." She turned and began to walk away.
"I - wh... Doctor!" Ianto called back, and a pinstriped blur dashed to catch up. "Donna, wait. At least let us make sure you get back safely."
She sighed, but let them fall into pace. "Ugh, ten past three, I'm gonna miss it."
"You can phone them? Tell them where you are," the Doctor suggested.
"How do I do that?"
"Haven't you got a mobile?"
Automatically, Ianto reached into his suit jacket. He stopped walking, suddenly confounded as his hand disappeared far deeper than a pocket ought to go, even with the lining torn out.
Meanwhile, Donna rounded on the Doctor. "I'm in my wedding dress," she hissed. "It doesn't have pockets. Who has pockets? Have you ever seen a bride with pockets?" The Doctor scratched the back of his head sheepishly as she went on, "When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, one thing I forgot to say was 'give me pockets!'"
The Doctor nodded, opened his mouth -
"Ahem." They turned back to Ianto, eyeing them wearily. "Doctor. You have a phone booth. Are you telling me there is no phone in your phone booth?"
"Oh!" The Doctor practically gave a little skip. "Yes! I've got a phone!"
"Oh, no, I'm not going back to that box, it's too... weird!"
He slumped, pouted. "It's... bigger on the inside, that's all."
"Oh, that's all? You and your... Martian space box -"
"I'm no - I'm not -" the Doctor sputtered. "I'm not from Mars!"
"That's enough," Ianto said firmly. "One, we need to figure out our location. Two, we need to find a public telephone so that Donna can call her family. Three, we need to get a cab and get to St. Mary's. And it would be very helpful if the both of you would kindly cooperate!"
The city was bright, cold, suddenly roaring with life as the two fell silent. The Doctor narrowed his eyes, and Ianto simply didn't bother to hide how tired and unimpressed he was. The last thing he wanted was to get into a pissing contest over who was in charge, not with the man who had just saved his life. But if he continued to behave like a high-strung, distracted greyhound, Ianto would just have to deal with their situation his way. And if the Doctor wanted to be rid of his tag-along Torchwood passenger when all was said and done, so be it.
"Now, have either of you any money for cab fare?"
"Pockets!"
"-Took my eyes off you for five minutes!" Ianto protested when the Doctor grabbed his hand and yanked him through a flurry of paper notes and the delighted crowd snatching away at the fluttering money. They raced back to the TARDIS and the Doctor launched himself at the console, flicking levers and flipping switches and whacking an instrument with a mallet. Wires sparked and flashed and went ding! as the entire craft shifted and began to grind.
Ianto dithered as the ship rocked violently, but managed to get out, "What's happening? Do you need help?"
The Doctor faltered for a moment, then thwacked the console again. "Behave!" he admonished it before turning back to Ianto. "We're chasing a robot Santa in a cab in heavy traffic, now when I say go, pull that lever and hold it steady, that one there, and give us a moment cause I need to concentrate, got that?"
"Got it."
The Doctor flung the TARDIS doors open. "Donna! Open the door! OPEN THE DOOR!" A moment later he pulled the screwdriver and aimed it at the taxi. Ianto caught a despairingly sarcastic wail of "Santa's a robot."
"You've got to jump!"
"I'm not bleeding flip-jumping, I'm supposed to be getting married!" she shrieked. Her voice faded out as the cab pulled away.
"GO! Pull the lever!" the Doctor called back to him. He gave it a smooth tug and the box sped up. He yelped suddenly as it jarred and scraped. "Arrgh, sorry, car!" The Doctor adjusted his hold on the doorway and kept calling Donna. "Donna, listen to me, you've got to jump!"
"I'm not jumping on a motorway!"
"Donna, whatever that thing is, it needs you, and whatever it needs you for, it's not good! Come on, jump!"
"I'm in my wedding dress!"
His voice rose an octave in pitch as he yelled desperately, "Yes! You look lovely! Now COME ON!" Her door swung open and she gazed, panicked, at the white stripes of the motorway whizzing past her like lightening.
"I can't do it!"
"Trust me."
"Is that what you said to her?" Donna wailed back. "Your friend, the one you lost? Did she trust you?"
"Yes, she did. And she's not dead, she is so alive, now come on." With a cry, the bride launched herself into the TARDIS, knocking the Doctor over and landing on him. He kicked the doors closed and pulled Donna upright as the blue box careened off into the sky.
They stumbled out of the TARDIS a few minutes later, coughing from the smoke as the Doctor extinguished the inside.
"Funny thing, for a spaceship, she doesn't do much... flying. We'd better give her a couple of hours. Did we miss it?" the Doctor asked, coming to stand next to them as they gazed across the dreary grey skyline from the roof of the building, stories high.
"Yeah," Donna sighed.
"Well... you can book another date?"
"'Course we can."
"Still got the honeymoon," he continued, trying to get her to see the bright side of things.
"Just a holiday, now."
"Yeah... yeah. Sorry."
"S'not your fault."
He raised his eyebrows and chuckled. "Oh? That's a change."
"Wish you had a time machine. Then we could go back and get it right."
"Yeah..." Ianto glanced sidelong at the Doctor, but didn't say anything. He knew what he was doing. Probably. "But, even if I did, I couldn't go back on someone's personal timeline. Apparently."
She looked at him funny, but didn't engage, sitting on the edge of the building. The Doctor sat beside her, draping his suit jacket around her shoulders.
"God, you're skinny. This wouldn't fit a rat."
He huffed. "Oh, and you better put this on." He pulled a gold ring from out of his pocket, and Ianto had to stare away again, across the skyline, willing himself to keep his features impassive.
"D'ya have to rub it in?" Donna protested.
"Those creatures can trace you, this is a bio-damper. Should keep you hidden." He slid it on her finger and declared, "With this ring, I thee bio-damp," popping the p on the end.
"For better or for worse. So come on, then, robot-Santas. What are they for?"
"Budget cuts. They fired the elves and built them as a cheap workforce," Ianto remarked, sitting beside them, drawing his thoughts back to the situation at hand. Anything to divert his mind away, to let him deal with it later. "Though I'm sure the Elvish Union will have a fit. Ten to one they'll be gone by next holidays."
"With the day I'm having, I'd almost believe that," Donna retorted.
The Doctor grinned sidelong and explained, "They're your basic robo-scavenger. The Father Christmas stuff is just a disguise. They're trying to blend in. I met them last Christmas."
"Why, what happened then?"
"Great big spaceship?" he prompted. "Hovering over London? You didn't notice?"
"Had a bit of a hangover," she admitted.
"Lucky for you. I'm A-positive." Ianto shivered and scooted a few inches away from the edge of the building.
"It was a bluff all along, you know," the Doctor said cheerfully.
"I read the files."
"Did they leave in the bit about the big, threatening button? And the swordfight? And the satsuma?" Donna looked between them incredulously.
"They must have left out the bit about the satsuma," Ianto said dryly.
"A-positive? Files? Satsuma? What where you doing that Christmas?"
"Oh, I spent it over there, at the Powell Estate, with this... family, my friend, she had this family, well, they were..." he trailed off, still staring across. Ianto felt like he'd been struck. Had anybody told Lisa's parents? Or had she simply disappeared, were they still waiting, not knowing she could never come home?
"Your friend..." Donna asked softly. "Who was she?"
"The question is, what do robot scavenger mercenaries want with you?" the Doctor said abruptly. "And how did you get inside the TARDIS, I dunno... what's your job?" He yanked the screwdriver from the coat pocket and started buzzing it as she eyed it distastefully.
"I'm a secretary."
"It's weird. You're not special, you're not powerful, you're not connected, you're not clever..."
"Doctor?"
"Hmm?"
"You're being rude. Again."
"I'll say," Donna bristled. "This friend of yours, before she left, did she punch you in the face? Stop bleeping me!" She swatted his hand away and they both looked in opposite directions with mirroring expressions of vexation until the Doctor resumed his line of questioning.
"What kind of secretary?"
"I'm at H.C. Clements." She smiled again. "It's where I met Lance. I was temping. It was all a bit posh, really, I'd spent the last two years at a double glazing firm. Well, I thought 'I'm never gonna fit in here,' and then he made me a cup of coffee! That just doesn't happen! I mean, no one makes the secretary a cup of coffee. And Lance - he's the head of HR! He's not gonna bother with me. But he was nice, he was funny. And it turns out, he thought everyone else was really snotty too! So that's how it started, me and him- one cup of coffee." An involuntary choke found its way out of Ianto's throat. The Doctor and Donna both swiveled their heads to look at him concernedly. "You alright?" Donna asked.
He pulled the pieces of his mask together. "Fine. I'm fine."
The Doctor gave him a sharp look, but moved on. "How long ago was this?"
Donna gave him another concerned look before answering, "Six months."
"That's a bit quick to be getting married," the Doctor remarked.
She hesitated. "Well... he insisted." The corner of Ianto's mouth twitched with dull amusement. She was fibbing. "And he nagged, and he nagged me... and he just... wore me down. And finally I just gave in."
"What does H.C Clement's do?"
"Oh security, entry codes, I.D cards... Stuff like that. If you ask me, it's really just a posh name for lock smiths."
"Keys..." the Doctor muttered to himself, thinking.
"Anyway, enough of my CV. Come on, it's time to face the consequences. Oh, this is gonna be so shaming. You can do the explaining, Martian-boy."
He turned to face her. "Yeah... I'm not from Mars."
She returned the comment with an uppity smirk as he pulled her to her feet, and then she sighed again. "Oh, I had this great big reception all planned. Everyone's gonna be heartbroken."