Chapter 1

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"Hello, earth to Kurt, anyone in there?"

"Hmm?" Kurt hummed, snapping out of his trance to see Mercedes waving her hand in front of his face. "Sorry," he said, swatting her hand away and rubbing his eyes, "what did you say?"

Mercedes gave her friend a once over, studying Kurt with a critical eye. Meanwhile Kurt just stared at Mercedes, waiting for her to repeat her question. After appraising Kurt for several seconds, Mercedes met his tired gaze and tsked. "Damn, boy. You're a mess."

Kurt stared at the ceiling for a brief moment before looking back at the small group he was with. It was lunch time and Kurt was sitting at a table with Mercedes, Tina, and Artie. He didn't quite remember how he got to the cafeteria, all day he had moving in a daze, not quite registering anything he said or did. It was true, Kurt did look less than his best today; his usually perfect hair was untidy, sprawled all over his forehead; and his clothes were simple- jeans, shirt, and a scarf. Kurt hasn't been acting like himself all week; and that had his friends worried.

"I didn't sleep well last night." He muttered, stifling a fake yawn to try to prove his point. "My neighbour's dog wouldn't shut up." Kurt wasn't lying about not sleeping, but last night had been quiet, almost eerily so.

"You mean that little dog that looks like mop?" Tina asked, her eyebrows pushing together.

Kurt chuckled a little, despite his mood, "Yes that would be the one."

Mercedes snorted, "Well if it keeps you up again tonight, drop kick the little mop. You were on the football team; I bet you could send that thing flying."

Tina and Artie laughed loudly while Kurt just smiled and looked up as the bell rang. Each student collected their belongings and broke off in pairs; Artie and Tina going one way and Kurt and Mercedes going the other. Kurt avoided the great mass of bodies trying to get out of the cafeteria, waiting a little to the side with his friend. Mercedes looked at all the heads, and then sighed angrily.

"Oh hell, we are never going to get out of here."

She grabbed Kurt's arm, linked it with her own, and then started ploughing her way through the kids. Kurt tried to apologize to the students that were getting pushed aside by Mercedes, but she was pulling him along pretty quickly. Within seconds they were out the doors and walking through the hallway, arm in arm.

"Someone is a little pushy today," Kurt teased, looking at Mercedes.

"And someone is a liar."

Her comeback brought Kurt up short. "I don't know what you mean." He said slowly, looking straight ahead.

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "See, and now you are lying about lying." She stopped abruptly and pulled Kurt into the bathroom. Mercedes stood in front of the door, blocking Kurt's only exit. Mercedes wasn't one to let things go easily and she wouldn't let Kurt out of the bathroom until he told her what was wrong. "Kurt, what the hell is up with you? You've been acting like this all week and it's kind of scaring me." She stared her friend down, watching as he looked at his shoes. "You can lie to everyone else and say a dog kept you up but you can't lie to me. It goes deeper than that, Kurt. This has more to it than lack of sleep."

Kurt frowned. Mercedes was right, he had been acting differently the past week, but he had a reason. He looked up at his friend. Her face was expectant, waiting for an explanation. Kurt sighed, "You're right, and I'm sorry." Mercedes smiled a little at his confession, but waited for the rest. Kurt looked up at the ceiling, noticing the stains and clumps of dried paper towel stuck the surface. He kept his eyes locked on the dirty tiles and spoke without meeting Mercedes' gaze, "My mom died ten years ago today."

The expecting look completely fell off Mercedes' face, leaving only shock. It took her a moment to register what Kurt had said, running over it again in her mind. "Oh, honey," she sighed, stepping forward to wrap Kurt in her arms. It took him a moment, but he returned the hug. "I'm so sorry."

Kurt jaw clenched. He hated it when people apologized for his mother's death. It wasn't their fault, so why were they apologizing? Kurt knew Mercedes was only trying to comfort him, so he let it go, not wanting to spoil the moment.

Mercedes pulled away, looking at Kurt, making sure he was alright. "Are you okay?" She asked quietly, ready to be in full support mode for her friend if he needed it.

Kurt smiled sadly at his friend, "you know what, I actually think I'm going to go home," That was another lie. Kurt had no intention of going home; his dad was scary focused on fixing cars as to distract from the memories. Kurt knew where he wanted to go, it was peaceful place, a place he hadn't been too in a long time, and with every second passing, the desire to be there grew. "I'll talk to you later," he said quickly, wanted to be away from crowded hallways as soon as possible.

"Alright," Mercedes smiled, "I will tell Mr. Schue you were feeling sick,"

Kurt chuckled, "now who's the liar?" he asked as he ducked out of the way of Mercedes attempt to smack his shoulder. He walked forward and hugged Mercedes again, "thank you," he whispered, before he let her go and walked out of the bathroom.

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"No I'm not lookin' for answers, but dear God, why did you choose her?"

"Argh" Kurt sighed angrily as he turned off the radio. Even the media was against him today. Kurt turned onto the dirt road and drove for several minutes in silence, his thoughts blank. The only thing on his mind was his destination. Finally he arrived at the end of the dirt road, the trail clearly marked. Kurt hadn't been here for ten years, yet this was the most colourful and detailed memory he had. He couldn't bring himself to ask his dad to take him here, whenever this day came around Burt focused all of his energy into cars, nothing else. He would work in the garage from six in the morning till ten at night, not pausing for anything. Kurt had to regularly bring him meals, but would leave quickly, not being able to handle his dad's intensity. Kurt had a different method for coping. Kurt remembered his mother where as his dad tried to forget. No, not forget, Kurt decided, repress. His dad repressed the memories of his mother, and Kurt let the memories take over his mind.

Kurt turned off the car and stepped out into the sun, liking the way his skin was immediately warmed. He left his jacket in the car, not having any need for it. He shut the door and walked through the little arc two trees made, marking the entrance to the hiking trails. Occasionally he would pass other people- two of them being a mother and her son- but other than that, it was just Kurt and the forest.

For almost twenty minutes Kurt walked in silence, the only sounds being the birds. After what seemed like forever, he found what he was looking for- a tree that was larger than the rest with many thick branches. Kurt remembered climbing this tree, his mother standing underneath the branches ready to catch him if he fell. He remembered how his mother had asked him if he wanted to go exploring when he got down, and how he agreed, grabbing his mother's hand and charging forward.

Kurt walked past the tree and followed his memory, remembering the fallen logs and misshaped boulders. He remembered how his mother had offered to help him over the obstacles, and his refusal, wanting to be big and climb over the trees himself. The one thing Kurt forgot was just how far he and his mother travelled into the forest that day. But Kurt ignored his lapse in memory and continued walking.

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After about two hours, Kurt finally heard the sound of a river in the distance. The sound was so familiar that he almost fell to his knees. But instead he picked up the pace and rushed forward, eager to get to the river. He saw it then, the small break in the trees only thirty steps ahead, he half jogged toward it, moving the branches in his path out of his way. He stopped at the break, looking at the river in front of him. It was just how he remembered it, completely unchanged by time. The only thing missing was his mother's soft voice asking him if he thought it was beautiful. Kurt may have been a little kid when he was first here, but there was no doubt that he was able to appreciate the sheer beauty of the swirling river, the little patch of grass along the side with wildflowers growing. He moved slowly, half afraid he would somehow ruin the perfection of the scene if he moved to fast.

Kurt sat on the patch of grass, just watching the patterns in the flowing water. After a moment, he took off his scarf and held it in his hands. He played with the fringe for a few seconds before he took it and placed it in the river, watching as the water fought for the royal blue scarf.

Blue had been her favourite color.

Soon the scarf disappeared completely and Kurt just sat there, no longer following his memory. He didn't want to. Because sitting here with his mother had been the last time he had seen her before she was attacked. They never found her body, yet they were able to find Kurt, curled in a ball against a tree. Kurt still didn't know what killed his mother; all he knew was that it was an animal, and that it had left him alive. He was sure it was in his memory somewhere, but it wouldn't make a difference if he knew it was bear or a mountain lion.

Kurt knew it was stupid to come here. That it was dangerous. But just sitting by the river made him feel connected to his mother, more than looking at old pictures or sitting by her dresser. Right now, Kurt was more at peace than he had been in a long time. He leaned back and rested his head on the soft grass, watching the clouds drift across the sky , feeling the warmth of the sun on his skin, hearing nothing more than the river and the birds, letting the memories of his mother take over his mind.

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