WARNING: This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.
Thank you and enjoy. :D

Once upon a time my life was nice. But, like every story, there was conflict. Mine happened to be everyone in South Park thinking I'm gay. That includes my girlfriend Wendy who I didn't even have to talk to; I knew she wanted to end it. Actually she sent BeBe, but still, I guess I knew it would happen eventually.

Thankfully, the good thing about leaving the next morning was that I didn't have to face the wrath of Cartman who I knew would give me hell. He knew what he did, and he knew damn well I'm not gay. Knowing him, it wouldn't matter; he'd still give me crap about it.

Anyway, the drive was silent. My dad didn't look at me and I didn't look at him, knowing if I spoke it wouldn't help anyway. The drive was oddly short and we were at the camp within twenty minutes at the most. I slid out of the car and watched my dad silently open the trunk, grab my bags, then throw at me and run to the car.

"What the hell dad!" I shouted as he slammed the door shut.

"If I touch you or get too close, I may catch the gay from you!" he shouted through the window, completely serious.

"That's retarded dad!" I shouted as he drove off, not bothering to look back. I glared before picking up my bags and heading to the camp, annoyed. It was like any other cabin-camp-thing, except it was called "Revival Camp: we turn fags into cool ppl." Seriously, who made that dumb title? I frowned, annoyed as I walked into the camp, passing under the sign and nearly colliding with one of the counselors. I knew she was one because of the uniform, resembling a Target uniform, and had a nametag. Susie. O-kay. It fit her; she had blonde hair in a soccer-player-styled ponytail and pale skin. She even had the annoying grin.

"You must be Stan!"

"How did you know that?" I asked wearily. Her brown eyes swam with a creepy kind of look.

"We know all," she said, a bit dark. She quickly brightened again and took my bags. "Come, come, follow me to your cabin!"

I grumbled but followed behind her, arms crossed. She opened one of the first cabins and stepped in, setting my bags on the bottom bunk of one of the bunk beds in there. There were only two anyway.

"Guys, you have a new roommate. This is Stan Marsh, and he came to become normal."

The guy on the bed above mine sat up. He had like, flaming red hair. It looked surreal, the kind of red he had, and his eyes were bright blue. He didn't look gay. Well, except his shirt, which was a bit too tight and was the same color as Wendy's hat.

The other two were on the bottom bunk, sweaty and nervous. I could only guess what they had been doing before we arrived. One had blonde hair and brown eyes with freckles on his nose. He wore a soccer uniform, which that in itself was strange. The other one wore a winter hat and black scarf, his dark hair hidden under his grey hat, grey eyes firm on me as I stood there awkwardly next to Susie.

"Yo," the red-head suddenly said. I looked up at him. "I'm Gregory."

"Ah, uhm, er, I'm, uh…" the freckled boy stammered, suddenly shaking. The boy next to him rubbed his shoulder and he relaxed.

"He's Ray," the black-haired boy said calmly. "I'm West. Nice to meet you."

"Uh, hi," I said. I've never met a real gay person before. Well, other than Mr. Garrison…and Butters, if he counts.

"Well, I'll leave you all to get acquainted," Susie said with a grin, turning and prancing off. I watched her go, suddenly very nervous. I headed to my bed and sat down, opening my first bag and pouring my clothes on my bed. I could feel three pairs of eyes on me.

"You know, you replaced Dan," West suddenly said. "He killed himself a week ago."

I paused.

"I hear that bed is cursed, and you'll kill yourself soon too the same way…kicking a beehive…." West said ominously. I ignored him.

"Don't listen to him," Gregory said, poking his head to smile at me. "He's just jealous because Dan got away from this place."

"Pft," was his reply. "Whatever. Now, where were we, Ray?"

Ray giggled. My eyes went wide and I quickly looked away when I saw them lean in. Gregory saw my reaction and laughed.

"Aren't they not supposed to do that? I mean, this camps supposed to make them normal right?" I said as I folded my clothes nervously, their sloppy kissing noises making me want to throw up. Gregory tilted his head.

"A lot of people end up with their bunk mates," he said, smiling in a way that made me sick.

"Uh, I'm straight," I said quickly, fumbling through my bag. I found what I was looking for and pulled out a picture of me and Wendy hugging, smiling at the camera. "See? That's my girlfriend Wendy. Girlfriend. Wendy. Yeah. Not gay. This was just a misunderstanding and my dad being an idiot."

Well, it wasn't a complete lie. Wendy may have broken up with me but I haven't with her. So HA.

Gregory blinked at me.

"I'll be out of here in no time," I said confidentially. His face suddenly looked guarded.

"Uh, that's not gonna happen Stan," he said, disappearing from my view. I went back to unpacking. "Y'see, once people come here, they never leave…"

"Uh?" I looked up but he still wasn't there.

"Oh. Well."

I waited but Gregory didn't continue.

"Mmm, Westttt, ahh, ohh~"

I clenched my teeth then grabbed my shoe and threw it at the two boys.

"AH! SHIT! OW!"

"WEST! ARE YOUR OKAY!?"

I looked over and saw West glaring at me.

"YOU BITCH!" he screamed, lunging off the bed. I blinked as he advanced toward me, hand raised…in a slapping position. I blinked. What the fuck?

"West, no!" Ray wailed. "You'll kill someone one day, man! Don't do it!"

"….." I blinked dully as he wiggled his raised hand.

"I'll do it, bitch!" he said. "I really will! Leave us the hell alone, got it?"

I promptly threw my toothpaste right in his face.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He threw himself on me and slapped my across the cheek. I blinked, looked at him slowly, and threw my clenched fist back, swinging it forward and punching him right in his jaw.

"Holy shit, dude," Gregory said in awe.

"WEST!" Ray wailed, running to him in a girly way that made me smirk. He kneeled next to the stunned boy and glared at me.

"You hurt him!"

"Uh, no, really? Did the blood give it away?" I asked sarcastically. Silence.

"Well," West said as blood dripped from his split lip. He cleared his throat. "I guess we have to finish outside, Ray."

Ray used his thumb to brush West's bloody lip, and when I saw this I threw my DS at him.

"WAH! OKAY WE'RE LEAVING!" Ray wailed, running off with a sniffling West. I watched them go, stretched, let out a satisfied streth, and lay down on my bed.

"Well, I feel better."

Silence.

"Uh, so," Gregory said slowly. I looked over at the wall and saw the crappy TV on the wall near the corner of the cabin turned on. "Wanna watch ice skating?"

He really was gay. I rolled my eyes and stretched again, suddenly tired.

"Naw, let's watch some wrestling. Or maybe Terrance and Phillip is on."

Silence.

"Holy shit, you are straight."