Immortals At The Old 1-2

By Rob Morris

MAY 12, 1986

( Into the 12th Precinct of the NYPD walks Police Captain Barney Miller. He has just received the bad news that NYC is again closing his precinct, due to budget cuts. At his old desk sits Fish, who Barney only recently finagled out of retirement. Thus the news is a double-blow)

Barney: Uh, Fish? We do happen to have some clean-up work to do, before we close shop.

Fish: Huh? Oh, sorry, Barney! I'm just so damn tired lately. I'll get on it.

Barney: WHEN?! I mean, Phil, c'mon! I pulled strings to get you back here, using rules nobody's even sure are still on the books! But since you got back, you---kinda just sit there.

Fish : Look, I said I was sorry! Between Bernice, all those kids, and those thunderstorms we've been having, I can't get any sleep.

Barney: Wha-Wha-What thunderstorms? We've been dry and clear for weeks now! ( Suddenly, Stan Wojohowiecz, who has been observing all this, speaks up)

Wojo: S'True, Barney! They're the freakiest things! All really localized! One even broke out down at the wrestling arena.

Barney: Why haven't I heard about it?

Wojo: Well, Barn, you kinda said not to show you anything till Inspector Luger's Autobiography was through being serialized.

Barney: Oh, yeah, I did. What's he up to now?

Fish : ( Reading his paper ) Chapter 37 : *Truman shoulda used the bomb everywhere, and kept pressing! - The postwar years.* Hey, he seems to have toned it down a bit!

Barney : Well, he would have to, wouldn't he? Say, where's Harris and Dietrich?

Wojo : They're workin' a 4713 down by the docks. A couple of hippie-dippies, goin' at it!

Barney : A 4713? That's---Wojo, that's a duel with swords!

Wojo: Well, they called, so they're bringing the saber-boys in! Oh, Barn? I got bad news.

Barney : What? One of them get hurt?

Wojo : Oh, no. At least not directly. One of them-well, he kinda sliced Harris's arm off.

Barney : Oh, My God! Is he all right!

Wojo : Oh, he's fine. Just ticked.

Barney : Just ticked?

Wojo : Well, major ticked. But they think it can be sewn back on, with no trouble.

Barney : Wojo, what hospital is he at?

Wojo : No hospital. They're bringin' the suspects here. Geez, Barn, its not like they were hurt or nothin!

Barney : NOT HURT!? Wojo, how can you.........Are we, by any chance, discussing the arm on Harris's suit jacket?

Wojo: Well sure, what the hell did you think I was talkin about? I was just sayin, he'll be plenty ticked when he comes in. You know how he is about his clothes! I mean, c'mon, Barn!

Barney: In the future, I would like you to....

( He is interrupted by the arrival of Dietrich and Harris, with the suspects in tow. Both have longish hair, and the large swords they were using are in Dietrich and Harris's possession. They are Connor Macleod and The Kurgan )

Harris : You're going to pay, Macleod! You have any idea how much an Armani suit costs?

Connor : If that's an Armani suit, I'm the god of thunder! Heh-heh-heh-heh-eh, Sorry. I'll write you a check for that Brooks Brothers suit, okay?

Harris : Barney's Fifth Avenue?

Connor : Deal.

Barney : Whatta we got, guys?

Dietrich : These two gentlemen claim to be immortals, dueling each other to see who will be the last. I don't buy it, myself. I mean, I called Macleod's kinsman Duncan just last week to see how he was doing. So, they're definitely not the last.

Kurgan : Free Me! I am the scourge of the Fertile Crescent! ( Rattles cage, which he was thrown into first )

Fish ( Walks over ) : You want something to do, I've got the Sunday Times' Crossword!

Kurgan : ( Calms down ) It'll do. ( Takes the paper and a pen ) Six-letter word for "Barbarian Tribe of The Russian Steppes". Hmm. Nah. 19 down, Eight-letter word for "Undying". Damn, they're making these things tough nowadays!

Connor : Dietrich, why did you interfere? Is that what Darius taught you? We told you about the Long Island Tournament ages ago, but you had a 3 Stooges festival to attend.

Barney : Dietrich, what's he talking about?

Dietrich : Well, they were this broad slapstick comedy trio who consisted of the Horowitz Brothers, Moses and Jerome, and...

Barney : Not the 3 Stooges! This- this Darius stuff.

Dietrich : Oh, Darius! Well, Captain, suppose I should've told you- I'm an Immortal, myself, I rode with Darius to the gates of Paris in 476. ( Does not notice Leavitt standing by him, jotting down extensive notes)

PARIS, 476 A.D.

The Good Immortal : I pray thee to slay me not, Conqueror Darius, lest the strength of soul I hath achieved be thine undoing! Thou and Dietrich are but two, yet ye would claim the dark mantle of the Four Horsemen of Eld!

Darius : What rubbish! Dietrich, divine his true meaning, I know it not!

Dietrich : Well, the Four Horsemen were a broad-slapstick comedy quartet, consisting of Methos, Kronos, Silas and Caspian, who was known to like Rings he took off of fingers he ate. They rode the nondescript ancient world. In fact, I should have told you, my liege. I was the fifth Horsemen.

THE NONDESCRIPT ANCIENT WORLD, kinda like you seen in Xena and Hercules, only there are a lot fewer jokes and naked people, and, consequently, a lot fewer jokes about naked people. In fact, naked people don't really enter into this at all, since Renee O'Connor does not appear in this story. Darn. Circa 3200 BCE.

Kronos : ( Rides Up and sees Dietrich) Dietrich, where is Methos? Those villagers aren't going to kill themselves, you know!

Dietrich : The last ones did. Uh, I think he and Cassandra went to see the Epic of Gilgamesh. Its playing down at the Olduvai Pit'n'Grill.

Kronos : What he sees in that little nothing bewilders me. What is it all about?

Dietrich : Gilgamesh was a broad slapstick effort, consisting of the duo of Gilgamesh, grandson of Noah, and Enkidu, his brother, who.... ( Kronos rides off )

THE PRESENT-MAY 12, 1986

Harris : Can you ever just answer a simple question?

Connor and Kurgan : NO, he can't.

Leavitt: Hey, I don't feel he talks too much.

Dietrich : Leavitt, what's with that wacky tattoo?

Leavitt : Oh, uh, its just a lodge. Jazz musician out west runs the whole thing. We get together, compare notes, nothing special.

Wojo: Sounds really dumb. I mean, notes on what?

Leavitt : Oh, just--- stuff.

Kurgan : 24 Across, Verb, Six letters, what a guillitoine is used for-ohhhh-Fish! You got a hint book?

Barney : Mr. Macleod, please step into my office. ( Connor does as he's asked)

Barney : ( Shuts door ) Er, Connor, is it? Listen, we just can't allow this kind of thing in our precinct. Can't you work out your differences with Pugil Sticks?

Connor : I knew someone tried that once. I didn't know him very long, mind you. Captain, neither I nor the Kurgan will press charges, and there's no one else involved. Can you make disturbing the peace stick?

Barney : All right, Connor. Just please find an empty warehouse or something. You're right, we are busy what with those headless bodies that have been turning up. Just not in my precinct again, all right?

Connor : Agreed.

( As they both head out, they see Inspector Luger and the Kurgan busily chatting away)

Luger : So, there was old Brownie, his liver hanging out, and three more punks comin at him.

Kurgan : So what did he do then?
( The Kurgan is, astonishingly, interested in the Inspector's stories)

Luger : Well, Old Brownie, he pops his liver back in, grabs the first punk, and slams him into the other two! One of their teeth popped out, embedded in his shoulder. Hey, I got it here!

Connor : C'mon, Kurgan. We're free to go. Let's resume.

Kurgan : Well, if its all the same to you, Macleod, Frank and me, we're going to a Rat Pack retrospective in Jersey. This crew's supposed to be good! "I want to be arooouunndd, to pick upp the Pieces"!

Luger : C'mon, Kurgie! The Sinatra impersonator personally punches out the first 50 guests! Hmmm, 5 letter word for policeman's shield,....aaaaahh ( Throws it out ) I can never figure these stupid things!

Kurgan : What about Old Brownie and the Boiler Factory Explosion? Frank, you promised! ( Walks out )

Luger : Ahhh, he's like a little kid! G'night, Barn!

Harris : Say, Macleod?

Connor : Yes, Harris?

Harris : I'll forget about the jacket if you tell me where you get those overcoats! ( Leaves, Dietrich follows, with Leavitt close behind, still taking notes)

( Barney enters his office, then comes out a few minutes later. Connor is waiting for him)

Barney : Anything I can do for you, Mr. Macleod?

Connor : You can pay for the fall of Antwerp during the Burgundy Succession, Bernard, Miller Of Gaunt! ( Pulls his sword)

Barney ( Pulls his sword ) Hey, easy come, easy go! The English were just paying better that day. Sides, I'm a cop now.

Connor: ( Lunges At Him ) I was a cop, then!

( The battle rages, with Connor the victor. After the Quickening, which utterly destroys the 12th Precinct, Connor departs. Barney had been hiding his presence with Dietrich's. His body is found by a tearul Wojo)

Wojo: Aw, Barn! Geez! Why'd this happen? ( Still upset, he picks up the phone. We note a familiar tattoo on his wrist.) Hello, Joe? I kinda need a new assignment. No, I'm sure.

IN THE END, THERE CAN BE ONLY 1-2.

Fear not- although Barney has left us, we are not through with the 12thPrecinct!

Coming soon:

BARNEY MILLER : THE MACAW

Dietrich sets out to take vengeance upon Connor, but unfortunately chooses Cabbie The Reverend Jim Ignatauski, and gets hopelessly lost. He forms a PI agency to fight evil, under the name Dietrich Macaw. Joining him is Philip K. Fish, who really doesn't want to go back to Bernice and the kids. Rumors have Leavitt and Wojo appearing if their spin-offs suck.

Episode 1 Synopsis : Leavitt and Wojo return to give MacawFish investigations its first case. It seems a teacher has returned to the high school he grew up in, to teach remedial academics. For some reason, the man thinks his uncle jokes are funny. Can Dietrich stop him before the man's wife loses all patience?

Dietrich : Ok, which one of you is the student who called me?

Student : OOO! OO-OOh! OOH! That would be me, Mister Macaw. My name is Arnold Horshack.

Dietrich : A very old and respected name. If I recall, it means "The Cattle Are Dying".

That's on the first blockbuster episode of :
BARNEY MILLER : THE MACAW