Slow Dancing In a Burning Room

We're going down and you can see it too

We're going down and you know that we're doomed

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

-"Slow dancing in a burning room"

-John Mayer

I wake up with Jacob sleeping peacefully beside me. There is a smile on his face as his eyes are twitching. I get out of bed quietly and walk into the living room of our tiny house.

Billy and Charlie helped Jacob and I get a place of our own in Port Angeles last year. They couldn't be happier that Jacob and I are together, neither of them cared for him. Billy knew what he was and did not trust the fact that he was a "vegetarian." Charlie disliked all the accidents I seemed to get into once he came along. He blamed the Cullens for every bad thing that happened to me. Jacob was the "nice kid" Charlie always envisioned me with. He thought of Jacob as wholesome and safe. I wonder how Charlie would react if he knew Jacob was a teenage werewolf?

I fix eggs and toasts for breakfast, enough to feed a small army, and sit down to eat mine alone. I am used to being alone in the morning because Jacob always gets in late from running with the pack. I enjoyed the alone time as long as I kept my mind busy, thoughts of him still have the tendency to creep in when I am idle.

I eat breakfast and read the newspaper Jacob brings in every morning. The news in Forks was always pretty dull and Port Angeles isn't that much of a change. There was a lot more entertainment news, there was always a concert or something happening in nearby theaters and pubs, but I only ever read about them. Occasionally, I will come across an article about a local mugging or assault and remember the night he saved me, but Port Angeles seems to be safe lately.

"Mornin." Jacob greets me as he walks into the kitchen. He kisses me on the cheek softly, "Happy Birthday." He whispers in my ear and I cringe. I had been trying to forget.

Birthdays always remind me of him, of the paper cut incident that made him realize being with him was too dangerous, that we would never work. "Thanks." I say quietly. "You're up early."

He shrugs and walks over to fix a plate, "Well, I'm not gonna sleep all day on your birthday." He comes over to sit next to me with an overflowing plate of eggs and toast. "And I know you hate any acknowledgement of today at all, but…" He hesitates, reading my expression. He must not see any immediate danger because he continues, "I have a surprise for you."

I sigh, "Jake, I-"

He interrupts me, "It's nothing big, Bells." He promises, taking a bite of toast. "It only involves you and me."

I want so badly to be excited, grateful, but I just can't be anymore. My 18th birthday will haunt me for the rest of my life, making any celebrations in the future completely miserable. I know that I am lucky, so many women complain about their significant others forgetting their birthdays all together, Jacob always remembers and insists on making me feel special. The fact that I do not feel lucky is just another reminder of how much I don't deserve him.

I force a smile, "Okay…that sounds nice."

I can tell by his expression this is not what he wants to hear. For a split second, I think he is going to be angry with me, tell me he has finally had it, but he only forces a fake smile. Part of me is relieved, I hate fighting with Jacob. Another part of me is disappointed, anything he would have said, I would have deserved.

"Okay," He tells me about the latest drama with the pack. Seth has a new girlfriend and everyone is sick of the constant fantasies always swimming around in his head. Quil constantly worries about Claire, who just started kindergarten. He talks until he finishes his breakfast, "I think we all would be a lot happier if we could find a way to disconnect our minds from each other."

"I can only imagine what that must be like." I can only imagine because no one has ever been able to read my mind… not even him.

Jacob raises an eyebrow, "Annoying." He shrugs as he stands up with both of our empty plates, "But, I guess it is a necessary evil."

I smile at the thought of Seth's dirty mind and the things the pack are forced to see. "So," I turn sideways in my chair to see him washing the dishes. "Did Seth imprint?"

Jacob stops abruptly, "No." He says softly and resumes washing the plate in his hand.

When Jacob and I have argued in the past, it has been about two things; The Cullens and Imprinting. He, being a werewolf, had a natural hate for the local vampires. It only got worse when he saw what losing them did to me. I thought that imprinting was a very good reason why Jake and I shouldn't be more than friends. One day, he might see another girl and forget all about me. When a werewolf imprints, that person becomes their world, their reason for loving, and I would be left behind…again.

Jacob tries his best to avoid the subject of imprinting. He believes that it will never happen for him because he is already in love, already chosen his mate. I do not believe that it works this way, but Jacob will not debate me on it.

I don't know why I brought up the subject, the last thing I wanted was to argue. I guess, somewhere inside, I hope it does happen for Jacob. I want him to be completely head over heels for someone who can reciprocate those emotions. While it will be incredible hard to watch him love someone that is not me, I know that she will love him more than I can. She will be able to be excited about birthday surprises and grateful for everything Jacob could give her. Part of me begs for this day and another part of me is terrified of it.

Jacob finishes the dishes and turns to face me with a careful expression, "Do we really need to have this discussion again?" He asks coming over to kneel in front of me.

I kiss his forehead and smile, "No." Because we have had it a dozen times. And because we both know how it will go.

He smiles relieved and stands up pulling me to him, "Nothing could make me stop loving you, Bella." He whispers. "Not even the supernatural." He caresses my cheek and kisses me on the lips softly.

I feel his warm mouth on mine and the familiar taste of his lips, but that is all I feel. There is no electricity, no attraction, when his lips are on mine. There is always sweetness, gentleness, and disappointment. I want so badly to feel the passion and need I have felt before but, no matter how hard I try, it is never there.

I wonder if this is what normal human relationships are supposed to feel like? If my life had been normal, absent of all mythical creatures, would I would interpret these feelings differently? Maybe, the love that I have for Jacob is only a normal, human love, and what I felt before can never be replicated by someone that is the least bit human. But, I guess it doesn't really matter anyway.

These answers to these questions are moot anyway, because my life is far from normal. I have experienced a supernatural, life-altering, love, the kind you never forget, and though my life would probably be easier if I had never felt it, I cannot regret it.

The phone rings, breaking me from my thoughts and Jacob from my lips. He rests his forehead on mine for a moment and then walks over to the phone.

"Hello?" He smiles at the voice on the other end. "Morning, Charlie."

As they discuss the latest football game, I pretend to be engrossed in the news again. I hope that maybe Charlie has forgotten what today is, that he is only calling to talk. I know better, of course, Charlie has never forgotten my birthday.

Jacob laughs softly, "I hope so, Charlie." He blushes slightly and looks at his feet. I wonder what Charlie said to make Jacob embarrassed or nervous? Does Charlie know what Jacob has planned for tonight? "Sure, sure." Jacob says with a smirk, "Here's Bella." He hands the phone out to me.

I walk over to him and prepare for more birthday congratulations. "Hey, dad." I try to sound happy, light. Jacob smiles and walks into the bedroom.

"Hey, Bells." Charlie says with a smile in his voice, "Happy Birthday." He definitely knows something.

I cringe, "Thanks."

"I know you probably have plans for today," Obviously, I had gotten my inability to lie from my father. Even over the phone, I can tell he knows exactly what the plans for tonight are. "but I was hoping I could see you afterwards."

"Well, Jacob has plans for this afternoon, but I could come by now." Even though I have lived with Jacob in Port Angeles for a year, Charlie's house still felt like home.

Charlie clears his throat nervously, "No, no. You can come by afterwards. I'm not going anywhere, Bells."

Something is definitely up. "Um, okay. I will see you tonight, then."

"Okay. See ya later, Bells."

I hang up the phone and walk into the bedroom to find it empty. Then, I realize the shower is running. I hear Jacob singing, "Birthday" by The Beatles.

I march back to the kitchen and throw the paper in the trash. I wonder why Charlie in on the plan? Why does the plan have to be kept secret from me? Most of all, I wonder why I can't even make myself feel excited?

I dry the dishes Jacob washed from Breakfast and place them in the cabinet. I clean the table and the counters and push the chairs back under the table. I looked around the room for anything else out of place. I was trying to keep my mind off of my birthday, off of the surprise Jacob had planned.

I go to our bedroom next and make the bed, then pick up the clothes Jacob was wearing yesterday and place them in the hamper.

"I was gonna get those, Bells." Jacob's voice comes from behind me and I turn to see him wearing only a towel around his waist. His hair is damp and hanging down in his eyes, his chest is perfectly muscled and still wet, I turn away quickly before my eyes travel lower. Jacob is beautiful, he always has been, and sometimes that fact distracts me. In this moment, it distracts me from being annoyed or angry about the surprise. "It's okay." I feel myself blushing and I try my best to hide my face from him. "So, I guess, I should be getting ready." I open my closet, still not facing him, to look through my clothes.

I see him examining my face closely out of the corner of my eye.

He shrugs with a strange expression," Whatever you want." He comes over to grab a pair of pants from his dresser. I keep my back turned away from him as he dresses.

Very helpful. ""What should I wear? Are we gonna be inside or outside? Should it be casual or formal?" I need some clue as to what the plan is.

He sighs and gently turns me around to face him. "Bella, we will do whatever you want." His voice is soft and honest. It only made me feel even more guilty. "Today is your day. We don't have to go anywhere. We can stay here….. if it's what you want." He caresses my face again.

He continued to stare into my eyes, searching for a small indication that it was not what I wanted. He wanted me to want to celebrate, to be happy, but I just couldn't… and I hated myself for it. "Jake," I look down at the floor, "I don't want to ruin whatever you have planned, but I just-" wish you would forget about today being my birthday. I wish you would treat today like any other.

"Okay." He said when I didn't continue my thought. "I had planned on making kind of a big deal out of today." I look up at him sadly. "I know that you don't like it when someone makes a big fuss over you, but I wanted to." He sighed softly, "I wanted to show you how much I love you, make you see that you are worth a big fuss." I open my mouth to disagree with him but he interrupts me. "But, I can still do what I had planned here… without a big production."

I smile, liking this plan much better, at least, until he kneels in front of me. He looks up at me and smiles nervously. My heart stops for several beats. This can't be happening!

"Bella, I love you." I want to tell him to stop, that he is about to ruin everything, but I can't speak. "And, I know that you have been through a lot the past few years." He sighs softly again and his expression becomes pained, "And that there will always be… a part of you that belongs to someone else." I had tried to hide that part of myself from Jacob, but he always sees me.. all of me. Even the parts I do my best to hide. "But, I know, that there is a part of you that loves me, that can be happy with me." He smiles lovingly at me, "And that is enough for me." I feel the tears form in my eyes and my heart start to ache. "And you and I can work on the rest…" He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a ring. He grabs my hand gently and places it on my finger. It is simple and beautiful, something I would have picked out for myself. "together."

The ring itself is perfect, no showy diamond or shiny gold, just a simple, elegant, silver band. It is the perfect choice for me. The ring on my finger is the problem. It looked and felt wrong. Even though, Jacob is right, there is a part of me that does love him…it isn't enough. The small piece of me could never compare to the other part of me that would always belong to him. It is too large, too all consuming, too strong. What is left of me is not enough for Jacob.

I look into his loving, dark eyes and the tears spill onto my cheeks. I will have to hurt him now, reject him, cause him pain that he should never have to feel. "Jacob.." There is no easy way to break someone's heart, no nice way to go about it. "I do love you, Jacob, very much…but it's not enough."

He looks down at the floor, away from me. "It's enough for me, Bella." His voice is shaky. I don't know if it is from anger or sadness, or possibly a mixture of both.

My thoughts drift back to the only other break up I have gone through, the words he used to crush me. "I'm not good for you, Jake." It was true when he had said it, it is true now. Jacob will not spend the rest of his life giving all of himself to me, when I am incapable of doing the same. He deserved better, much better than me. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

He stands up and looks at me and I see tears in his eyes. It is the first time I have ever seen Jacob cry and I feel what is left of my heart break into tiny pieces. The hole in my chest that he created grows larger, deeper.

"He is gone, Bella." His voice is a mixture of sadness and annoyance. "He left and he's not coming back." The words slice me open, but I say nothing. The tears continue to roll down my cheeks. "I'm right here, in front of you." He shakes his head, "But, you still want the bloodsucker?" I flinch at the derogatory name said in his furious voice, "Why?"

I begin to sob, "Be-Because.. I…. love…him." I manage to get out through sobs. "I…can't stop…it. I… can't turn it off or decide not to feel it. He is a part of me, forever, for better or for worse."

Jacob nods sadly, "Yeah." A tear rolls down his cheek, "I know the feeling." With that, he turns around and walks out, I hear the front door slam a few seconds later.

I curl up on the floor in front of my closet and cry uncontrollably. It feels as if I am back in the forest, lying on the ground, being pulled under by the blackness again. Or, perhaps, I never left it. A part of me was never rescued from the forest that day. I will always be there, waiting for him to return for me.

I don't know how long I stay there, before I pick myself up, pack most of my things, and undo everything that had been done in the last year. It feels as if I am walking backwards, reversing time. I pack everything in my small car and head back to Charlie, back to Forks, back to the place filled with memories of him. Even though I know Charlie will probably be disappointed and angry with what I have done, Forks is the only place I can go, the only place I want to be. It is the only place that I feel I belong, in Forks, surrounded by memories of hi- of Edward. I can think his name now and not worry about anyone noticing me holding myself together.

The whole way there, I worry about Jacob. Will he ever forgive me? Will he ever understand that leaving him was an act of love? I pray, to whatever God is listening, that he will be okay, that he will meet someone that will love him the way he deserves, and that, one day, he will forgive me.

As I enter Forks, I remember my first day here. Charlie and I riding in his police cruiser from the airport, the despair I felt at having to leave Phoenix, the sun, and my mother. I remember crying myself to sleep the first night as the rain fell on the roof, wondering if I had made the right decision in moving.

Memories of him creep in quickly, the first time I saw him in the cafeteria, the way his black eyes filled with hatred the first day of Biology, the first time he spoke to me. His beautiful face assaults my memory and I have to hold myself together again.

I pull myself together before I drive into Charlie's driveway. I see Charlie waiting for me on the porch. Through the rain, I see his hopeless expression. He comes over and opens my door. I get out and look at the ground, feeling ashamed of what I have done and afraid of what he will say.

He sighs loudly once, "Come on, let's get your stuff inside." His voice matched his hopeless expression.

Neither of us say anything as we carry my things to my old room. Charlie places the last box down and stands there for a moment. He opens his mouth a few times, as if to speak, but then shuts it. Finally, he nods once and leaves the room.

Charlie has always been a man of few words, I had learned to read his actions and expressions. I know what he wanted to say, 'What the hell did you do? Why can't you just be happy with Jacob? He loves you. The Cullens are not coming back." He wanted to say it, but he didn't. He has said it all before and he knows it won't do any good. I know Edward is not coming back, but that doesn't change anything. That fact won't make me suddenly love Jacob as I should, it won't make me force myself to be happy. I gave up on being truly happy two years ago, it is no longer an option for me.

Jacob had been my sun, pulled me out from under the blackness for a little while, made me feel relatively human. He had pulled me back into my sanity, but now, Jacob is no longer an option. Now, I have to find some way to be okay by myself, be my own sun. It will not be easy, it may not even be possible, but it is the only option I have left.

Once upon a time, I was more than capable of taking care of myself, I didn't need a savior. When Edward came along, somewhere along the way, I lost that ability. I had gotten used to being saved and forgot how to save myself. Forgetting Edward is not an option, I never want to forget, but I have to learn how to function with the memories. Now, the memory of his face is crippling, heartbreaking, but, maybe, someday, the memories will not hurt so much.

I cry myself to sleep that night, as I did the first night, thinking of Edward.

Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome! :D