Klacha Por'sen by WikedFae
Chapter One: T-minus Five (Years)
The new colony awaited him. An uninhabited Class M planet, newly designated Arus-zal, was located just within the Alpha quadrant. Three small satellite moons revolved around this desolate orb; a single star, coming of age, provided ample opportunity for colonial growth. The planet itself would be suitable for Vulcan physiology, although agriculture would have to begin indoors until larger plots of land could be terra-formed. It was a logical choice for a new beginning. But at the moment, Spock did not care for impeccable logic.
His human half was struggling, banging against the bars his other half had so thoroughly constructed. This was the most arduous emotional battle he had ever fought and it was made only more difficult, because the opposing forces reflected conflicting interests instead of the usual inconvenient interjection of emotional back-chat. Throughout his life emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, had always been squashed below...but now, logic was facing an irrational request from emotion. For the first time, Spock was realizing how emotion had its own brand of logic. He was rapidly coming to the conclusion that it did not like to relinquish hold of its rationality, either.
He could not pretend to be deaf to his own demands. Well, the demands of one of his halves. Specifics weren't important. Apparently what was important, though, was that his emotional side was screaming to stay on the Enterprise. To abandon Vulcan life. To relinquish his duty to his race. To remain with Nyota.
It made no logical sense.
The chasm he regularly shoved his emotions into was disrupted, like a great spire was rising from the depths—a last attempt to break free and be recognized. Viciously, he squelched it down, beating it into submission with half-hearted convictions of reality. He would fulfill his duty to his people. He must. His human half could only watch and nurse its wounds as Spock made his final decision.
----
Heavy footfalls accompanied him down the halls towards her quarters—the only indication that his human side was disgruntled at being ignored. A façade of calm blanketed his expression as he stepped up to her door and announced himself.
"I must remain in control of my emotions." Unfortunately, that was easier to do when confronting a solid door and not a vibrant young lady. Still, his resolve held when the door was answered.
"Good evening, Lieutenant Uhura." The formality in his tone seemed to trigger something in her expression. Her surprise and joy flickered for a moment, as if she knew what was about to be thrust upon her.
"Good evening, Commander. Won't you please come in?" An equally formal reply. Spock detected an iciness seeping into the edges of her tone and regretted the pain he was about to put her through once more.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." Stepping across the threshold, he paused, taking a moment to reflect and calm his fraying nerves. When he opened his eyes, he found himself staring directly into a set of sepia pools boring back at him. His eyes widened momentarily out of shock, and even this small shift in expression was enough to remind him just how well she knew him. He could see the miniscule smile tugging at the corners of her mouth indicating she'd perceived his small show of emotion. But he couldn't let himself be distracted. Clearing his throat, he attempted to start explaining his presence.
"Ahem...Lieut...ahem...Uhura..." he faltered. "...This is much more difficult than I expected." Taking a breath, he plunged forward, "Nyota, I have a responsibility to my people, my culture, my father...and if what I am resigning myself to is a purgatory of my own making, I will live in it quietly, knowing you have your new chance at true happiness." He fell silent, cursing himself internally for failing to remain impassionate. His eyes watched her with something akin to apprehension as he awaited her reply.
"...Well..." Uhura's gaze and pleasant smile fell as her eyes tracked down his uniform to intensely study non-existent lint. "I can't say this was unexpected, considering the situation. When will you be expected to depart from the Enterprise?"
Spock remained quiet as he analyzed this query. Something was not right. This was a cold, calculated, measured response of professionalism, devoid of the passion he'd come to expect from the woman before him. The fervor that had laced her insistent request to be transferred to the Enterprise on that fateful day a few weeks before was missing, only to be replaced with a steely demeanor. With a shock, Spock realized he recognized this detached tactic. His mother had employed this technique when she was first brought to Vulcan permanently after his fourth birthday. He had seen the results of this barricading wall when he spied her in tears hours after the house had gone quiet. This was best diffused quickly.
"...There is no need for you to be restrained emotionally. You naturally have the capacity to respond with...with whatever you are feeling currently," he finished, lamely.
The dam broke a minute later. "I have the capacity to respond with emotion?!" she hissed, incredulously. "Maybe you forgot, but you have the capacity as well; you're just refusing to acknowledge it. Were you just expecting me to take this lying down?! Were you just going to present the irrefutable logic you've spent the last days concocting in that impressive brain of yours? Was there going to be any discussion or discourse between us? Or was this just your way of breaking away, 'setting me free'?!" She had advanced on him--they were nearly touching toe to toe.
"Please, Nyota. You have to understand that this is the logical choice. You must remain at your post. Your duty is to Starfleet, to the Federation, to Captain Pike and Kirk, whatever his next position may be. It would be unwise to upset your current position this early in a blossoming career. My duty lies with the rest of my kind. They require assistance in relocating, as well as establishing a successful colony. This is the correct approach." Cool reason presented itself on his face, but his hands clenched behind his back as his emotions got the better of him.
"When I came to you in the turbolift and asked you what you needed, you told me it would be best if everyone continued carrying out orders admirably. But this has nothing to do with a battle scenario, nor is this occurring immediately after personal loss. Do you expect me to let you go without a resolution to this emotional denial?! Because I can guarantee you, that Vulcan half of yours will be expected to be strong and stoic in the face of your home-worlds' decimation, but your human half will find no true closure trapped in a struggling society. Spock, you've always told me how you declined acceptance to the Academy of Science because your 'deficiencies' were the defining measure for the committee. In their eyes, you were an anomaly burdened by a handicap! You turned to Starfleet because it appealed to your human nature, so why not stay at least until you have grieved and thoroughly analyzed your needs?!"
"The woman who helped kindle that 'nature' is gone! Now I must appeal to my Vulcan side and follow my father as he helps the council rebuild the ruins of our race! I have abandoned them once before; I will not do so again." The veil behind his eyes swayed back for a moment, revealing the simmering ocean of fire in the depths.
She retreated slightly, turned her eyes towards him once more and asked, "If you will not leave them behind for their ignorance, would you consider staying for my acceptance of you?" It was a muted request, a whisper compared to the brimstone she'd spat moments before.
"Zherka. Ashaya. These are things vital to your existence and your relations with others. Think rationally, Nyota. What we share at this moment may not be enough in the future. Will it be one year or ten before you wake one morning, realizing your feelings have never been openly reciprocated?"
"And who says I won't be happy simply knowing of your love for me? Declarations aren't important, grand gestures are lost on me. You know that. So what is this really about?"
For the first time in his life, Spock fell victim to cowardice. "This is the logical choice, my reasoning is sound. I have my duty to fulfill and you will have your chance at a strong and meaningful relationship with another. Know that I am sorry for the pain I am causing you, but in time you will come to understand my logic. I would rather play the villain now than the unresponsive companion for years to come. A star needs the cradle of space to thrive, and unfortunately, I will always be the pash-yel to your brilliance." He sighed and collected himself. "I am expected to report to Starfleet command tomorrow morning to take the transport to Arus-zal."
Abruptly, he turned to leave. When he reached the door he paused, saying gently over his shoulder, "I am sorry I could not show the feelings you deserve to be shown. Live long...and may your shining light prosper. Goodbye...Nyota."
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her rooted to the spot, tears starting to course down her cheeks. The whoosh of her quarter doors signaled his departure. The bustle of the hallway drowned out her last words as he exited heading for the bridge.
"There will come a day, when you will understand my logic, feel as I feel, and show it without shame..."
English translation: Zherka: emotions; Ashaya: love; Pash-yel: black hole