Chapter 1: A Match Made In... Well, Not Heaven

A/N: For the sake of this story, Crabbe and Goyle fought with Draco in the war on the dark side, but that little incident in the ROR didn't happen... And Snape's not dead... And Fred. Let's just assume I couldn't bear to kill anyone off. Except Voldemort. He's a jerkface and thoroughly dead. Oh! And Dumbledore... But that's because he knew too much and wouldn't be fun to mess with. The knowing twinkles are only entertaining for so long.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited, etc. You guys are great! Also a big thank-you to harrypotterlurver123 for betaing!

So, I had this entire chapter finished and then first part of the next one, but I had to scrap it... I couldn't reconcile where I wanted the story to go and where it was here. I think that problem's been resolved now. So hooray!

~Frosty

Draco was feeling something he hadn't felt in a long time; anxious. His parents weren't as entirely against the idea of him marrying the bushy-haired bookworm as he'd thought they'd be. The war had tarnished their family's reputation and they were willing to accept her if it would restore some of their lost respect.

He changed his depressed expression into something more threatening when he saw his two goons approaching. It was important that the two useless lumps didn't think he had any weaknesses; they might get confused as to who was in charge.

Upon seeing the armfuls of cakes and pastries both men were cradling in their arms, Draco's eyes narrowed. "Where'd you get all those?" He demanded, knowing that the Great Hall had been cutting back on desserts so they couldn't have found them there.

"Floating..." Goyle said.

"What have I told you about eating suspiciously floating food?" Draco demanded in an angry growl. "Remember what happened in second year?"

"Not to?" Asked Crabbe, looking like he was quite proud of himself for remembering.

"Then don't do it!" The blonde snapped at his thick friends. They hung their heads and followed their smaller leader as he stormed off down the hall, muttering about how difficult it was to find good lackeys.

"Hey, Draco... Are you marrying the Mudblood?" Goyle asked as they followed him. He was suddenly sporting donkey ears and Crabbe had a pig's nose; their belief in Draco and his wise rules had just been reinforced.

Draco froze in his tracks and turned to face the hulking Slytherins. "Why would you ask that?" He snapped, brutally crushing the panic that sprang into existence; he wasn't ready for people to know.

"We got invitations to the wedding this morning." Crabbe said, fishing around in his pocket until he found a small envelope. He proudly presented it to the blonde.

Draco stared at the invitation for a long time, trying to figure out who could have done this. Since his parents, Granger, and Pansy were the only people who knew about the entire thing, and everyone but one person would be completely uninterested in putting the time and money into something so frivolous, Draco was left a single suspect: his mother. It was with horror that he noted the date stated on the invitation was this weekend. He had less than five days before he was to be bound to Granger for the rest of his life.

Noticing that his goons were waiting for an answer, Draco sighed. "Yes, it seems I'm getting married, and this weekend."

Glancing up from the paper, he noticed a familiar bushy head barrelling down the hall towards them. It didn't seem that she'd been seeking him out, Granger had probably just been clobbered over the head by the reality that she was soon going to be a Malfoy and there was nothing she could do about it.

Draco reached out an arm and grabbed her as she ran past, her forward momentum swung her around until she collided with his chest. The stack of books Hermione had been carrying crashed to the floor, followed by Hermione as she bounced off Malfoy's chest and fell onto a heap at his feet.

"What is wrong with you?" She shrilled, glaring up at him as he tried to fight off laughter.

"The only thing wrong with me is that I'm flawless. It's a heavy burden to bear." Draco watched as she collected the books scattered on the floor. He hadn't intended to mock her when he stopped her break-neck progress, so he allowed the Gryffindor to fume without insulting her and adding to the reservoir of rage she obviously carried.

The brunette rolled her eyes, but grabbed the rest of her books and stood up, making sure to put space between herself and the three Slytherins. "Did you grab me just to be an arsehole, or was there a purpose behind your bullying this time?"

"As a matter of fact, I do have a reason for grabbing you. If you hadn't been careening down the hall so bloody fast, then you would've just stopped like a normal person and we could've engaged in something as close to a normal conversation as a Gryffindor is capable of managing. Instead, we're having this pointless argument. I think you need to lay off the caffeine Granger."

She was tapping her foot impatiently by the time he'd finished his little rant. "What. Did. You. Want?"

Nothing amused Draco more than getting her riled up, but he knew that it was probably best not to push her too far, particularly when what he was about to show her was only going to make her foul mood worse. The blond held out his hand to Crabbe, hoping the dolt would be able to realize that he wanted the invitation and not one of the more than likely drugged pastries they were holding.

The two lackeys stared with confusion at the hand for a moment, trying to decide what their leader wanted. They briefly glanced at each other, seeming to be seeking help, before Crabbe moved his hand toward a cupcake, but then seemed to decide against that option. With fat and clumsy fingers, the thug managed to once again fish out the invitation from his pocket and place it on the outstretched palm. When Draco didn't yell at him for being an idiot, Crabbe shot a triumphant grin at his moronic counterpart.

"I just thought I should warn you that someone –probably my Mother- has gone ahead and sent out the invitations to our wedding. Apparently it's this weekend." Draco said in a cold voice as he handed the invitation to Granger.

She looked from the fancy envelope back to his eyes and then back to the envelope. Draco could sense that her explosion was imminent and was bracing for it when Crabbe finally sprouted a pig's nose. Before any of them had time to react, Goyle grew a pair of donkey ears with a pop.

Hermione stared at the trio of Slytherins and burst out laughing. There was so much stress building up that she was either going to laugh, cry, or go on a rampage blowing up everything that crossed her path. Her hysterical laughter was soon bouncing off the stone walls all around them.

"We broke Granger," Goyle whispered fearfully.

Draco looked at the helplessly laughing Gryffindor and started to back away slowly. He sensed that any sudden movements may cause her laughter to turn into stress induced rage and he was the most likely target for that rage. Where was the Weasel when he was actually needed?

"Just back away slowly." He urged the goons when they didn't move to follow him. The three edged back until they were a safe distance away and then fled, leaving her there in the hallway.

Hermione was vaguely aware that the Slytherins had retreated, but she couldn't seem to stop her laughing. Like crying, once you really got started, hysterical laughter was hard to stop.

Ron and Harry found her that way a while later. Her laughter was still springing forth in bursts, and she was sitting on the floor clutching the invitation Malfoy had handed her to her stomach as she tried to reign in the laughter.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Ron asked, making sure to keep his distance from the obviously distraught woman.

Wordlessly, the brunette handed the invitation to Harry, who, unlike Ron, had actually come close to her to make sure she was all right.

Harry looked in confusion at the invitation, horror suddenly dawning on his face. "I got one of these an hour ago, but I thought it was some kind of cruel joke."

Hermione was sobered by her friend's reaction, her laughter gradually ceased until she was looking at Harry mournfully. "It's not a joke."

Predictably, Ron exploded and stormed away as Harry stayed to hear out the explanation his friend had.

"I can't get married! I have too much to do with my life! This throws off my whole plan." She said sadly.

Harry wasn't surprised that Hermione had planned ahead – she probably had a thirty year plan that outlined to the month when she was going to get married, have children, and when to expect her important promotions. If it wasn't Malfoy that she was marrying, he would almost think that scrapping her plans and living for once might be a good thing. He dropped to the floor beside her and flung an arm across her shoulders.

"Don't worry Hermione, it'll all work out... somehow."

That night at dinner, McGonagall silenced the hall and stood and addressed the hall. "It has come to my attention that there will be a wedding between two of our students this weekend." Her expression was severe as she directed a disapproving stare at Draco and then Hermione. "Transportation has been arranged for those who have an invitation only."

Once again regaining her seat, the headmistress let the students talk amongst themselves as they absorbed and then processed the news. Those who had already received their invitations looked grim, as they were friends with the bride or groom and knew the finer details of the upcoming union, while everyone else looked excited about the new gossip.

As with anything seriously dreaded, the day of the wedding arrived much too quickly. Hermione spent most of the time before her big day in the library, buried in books desperately looking for a loophole to exploit and free herself, but was unsuccessful in her efforts.

McGonagall had informed the brunette the night before that she was going to be spending the morning of her wedding with her parents. They were to arrive at the castle at any moment and Hermione was anxiously pacing in front of the fireplace in the Headmistresses' office.

The door opened and admitted Malfoy, surprising her. "Are your parents coming to spend the morning with you as well?" She asked, trying for civil. The death glare she received in answer was completely unprovoked and unnecessary.

"My parents," he gritted out between tightly clenched teeth, "insist that I meet your parents. They think it will save them the... pleasure of meeting actual Muggles if they send me to them like some sort of sacrificial lamb."

"If you weren't a complete arse I'd almost feel bad for you." Hermione snipped. She had tried for polite and he'd just bitten her head off. It wasn't like she didn't have any stress from the entire arrangement, but at least she tried to behave nicely.

The flames in the fireplace suddenly flare up green and out stepped Hermione's Muggle parents. Malfoy refrained from doing anything overly cowardly though he did step closer to Hermione to make sure she was in between him and the 'scary' Muggles.

"Mum, Dad!" Hermione exclaimed, rushing towards the pair.

Her mother hugged her while Mr. Granger shot a nasty glare towards Draco. When Mrs. Granger finally released her, Hermione glanced over at the blond to find that her father was doing a good job of reinforcing Malfoy's fear of Muggles. His pale fingers were edging towards his wand as Hermione watched.

"Malfoy!" She snapped, watching with satisfaction when he jumped and looked slightly guilty. The Slytherin's hand stopped its progress but it didn't move away from the reassuring wood.

Mrs. Granger looked at the boy and back to her daughter before wrapping her arms around Hermione once again and burying her face in her daughter's shoulder. "I can't believe my baby's getting married!" She said is a sad voice.

Hermione patted her mum's back at looked helplessly at her dad, who could only offer her a helpless look in return.

"Boy!" Her father suddenly snapped, his voice a little too loud to be polite in the situation. Malfoy turned his hard gaze to the Muggle man, expecting an attack.

"Yes... Sir?"

Hermione was surprised that Malfoy had added the term of respect – even if it had been after a lengthy pause and obviously grudgingly.

Mr. Granger advanced on the blond, managing to intimidate him despite the fact that Malfoy was actually quite a bit taller and could be much more intimidating than the short dentist. Her father may have had a presence, but he'd never fought in the war like the two magical students in the room, so he had no idea what intimidating really was. Draco straightened his spine and moved towards his wand as he remembered that this Muggle had nothing on Voldemort.

"If I find out that you had anything to do with this sham of an engagement, I'll find you myself and remove every one of your teeth before-"

"Dad! Stop scaring him. The twitchy ferret's going to hex you if you get much closer." Hermione had been keeping a close eye on the other two while she tried to comfort her mother. Her parents were supposed to be there as a comfort to her, but they were only adding to her stress.

Draco resented being called a 'twitchy ferret', but the rest of the statement had been true, and he didn't want to risk antagonizing the Muggle man further. "Look... Grangers, you obviously love your daughter very much. I can't promise to love her... or even like her if we're being honest – which you have to understand is not something Slytherins do all that frequently. What I can promise you is that she'll never have to worry about money again, and, during the marriage ceremony, when I vow to do everything in my power to keep her safe and stay faithful to her, I'll be magically bound to uphold that vow."

The vice-like grip Mrs. Granger had on her daughter suddenly released as she darted across the room and latched onto the young Malfoy. Hermione was tempted to burst out laughing as his normally pale cheeks pinkened slightly and he held his arms out at his sides and tried to step out of the embrace.

McGonagall, probably worried that the former Death Eater had massacred the Muggles in the room, chose that moment to walk through the door followed closely by Draco's parents. All three newcomers froze upon seeing what was happening in front of them.

Hermione eventually relented and pulled her mum away from Malfoy. The fact that he'd forgotten his hatred of her for long enough to shoot her a pleading look had prodded her into helping the poor Pureblood. All the affection her Muggle parents were showing was probably overriding his poor, frozen Pureblood heart.

"Draco?" Lucius asked in a dangerous voice.

"Father." He answered in the same tone as he brushed off the front of his robes. Hermione rolled her eyes; it wasn't like her mum had contaminated him with her hug.

For the next several hours, a staring contest ensued between both sets of parents while their children sat off to the side, virtually ignored. Draco leant casually against the wall beside Granger, sensing she was the only one in the room who wouldn't snap at him if he moved too quickly. The frizzy-haired Gryffindor seemed to be experiencing some sort of shock.

Draco edged another slow step closer to the door, glancing around to make sure no one had broken their glaring contest to notice that he was this close to escaping the pressure in the room. Triumphantly, he finally grabbed hold of the doorknob and slipped into the freedom of the hallway. He leant against the wall beside the door and slid to the floor; without the overwhelmingly oppressive atmosphere of the room he'd escaped he had some time to breathe.

When the door quietly clicked open, his head snapped up and his startled eyes fell on Granger – the Granger he was about to marry, not one of the older two.

"What happened to vowing to 'keep me safe'?" She asked as she settled heavily beside him, careful to leave plenty space between their bodies – they may have been forced together, but that didn't mean they had to touch.

"The vow doesn't apply until I take the thing." Draco said smugly. He wasn't about to stick his neck out for the know-it-all before he'd vowed to.

They sat in a silence only slightly more comfortable than the one they'd just escaped until McGonagall stuck her head out and told them it was time to go to the Wizarding chapel where their wedding was being held.

"I've never felt more like a prisoner going to her execution, even when I was about to go into battle." Hermione mumbled as she moved towards the door.

Draco looked at her, surprised that she could so accurately capture his feelings with her words describing her own. He could only silently nod his agreement as he followed behind her.