Harry was walking down the corridor to get to his Transfigurations class.

He wasn't late, he was two hours early but he accidentally missed his Potions lesson that started in five minutes.

Harry CLOPPED MERRILY down the corridor.

'Oh hello, Harry!' said a happy voice, merrily.

'Go away, Colin.' Said Harry covering his face with his cloak. Harry suffered from serious self-esteem problems. Colin was very fit-looking and Harry thought he was too ugly to even LOOK at Colin.

'Just one, Harry!' Colin pleaded with pleas, holding his camera up.

'One what?' Said Harry, curious.

'Want one?' Asked Colin.

'No,' said Harry, and walked away faster.

Colin stood in the corridor like a confused wildebeest, tears running down his face like liquid chandeliers. 'Harry!' he cried piteously, 'I don't know where my next class is!'

Harry ran back and scratched Colin on the forehead with one fingernail. 'It's potions!' Harry said, with a helpful heart. 'Don't forget your reading glasses now!'

'Gee Harry, thanks!' sang Colin, as he skipped past his charms class. 'I owe you a big favour!'

Harry continued to walk down the corridor. It was a long one, but further to walk up.

'Ah, Harry,' a voice bubbled. 'Skipping class are we? Not that it matters, please come into my office.'

With rising HORROR and DREAD Harry looked up into the face of Gilderoy Lockhart. It was a good job he looked at Gilderoy's face, because he was naked. Colin had taken all his clothes. He envied Lockhart's plum velvet.

'Professor, I have a class in a mere two hours…'

'Two hours?! Well I'll have to make it quick! Feel free to try on my robes!'

Harry cautiously picked up a violet robe and put it on. It certainly suited him.

'So Harry, you wanted to talk to me.' Gilderoy grinned.

'Yes,' said Harry assertively, 'I wanted to ask you about a certain Mr Severus Snape.'

Lockhart went a deathly pale, and began to fidget. 'I don't know what went on, officer. I mean Harry.'

'HA!' Screamed Harry, pointing dramatically.

'I'VE GOT YOU DOWN' Shouted Harry, doing a victory-dance. Lockhart shrank in his seat.

'You know all about Snape's hobby and you don't like it,' Harry continued, puffing on his pipe. 'Snape rejected you, didn't he?'

Lockhart nodded. 'He said I'm too sweaty to tickle.'

'No,' said Harry, aghast. 'And how did you feel?'

'Betrayed,' Lockhart sniffed. 'It was like he liked my body like, but not like what came out of it.'

'I can imagine,' said Harry with feeling. 'What an utter arse. You are so much better without him.'

'You think so?' sniffed Lockhart.

'I know so,' replied Harry, 'he never treated you right.'

'He never looks at me properly when I ask him to pass the salt.'

'What about the pepper?'

'He looks then. Sometimes he smiles.'

'I HATE fickle people!' Harry shouted, standing up.

'GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!' Screamed Lockhart. 'I NEVER WANTED YOUR ADVICE ANYWAY.'

'SEVERUS ALWAYS HAS TIME FOR ME!' Screamed Harry, snootily, and slammed the door.

'I AM A RETARD' said Seamus.