As It Should Be
Chapter 2 "Confessions"
As Perry awoke he could feel the warmth of Della's body against his. God how he loved this woman. A month had passed since she had agreed to marry him and next week they would say their vows. It had been a whirlwind of wedding planning but Perry's feet hadn't touched the floor once. He stroked her hair as she moved against him.
"Good morning Mr. Mason."
"Good morning Mrs. Mason."
"Jumping the gun a bit are we?"
"We are not! I believe I have waited long enough." Perry replied as he pulled Della in and kissed her forehead.
Della smiled and decided to use her seductive voice to taunt him, "Now if that is the only evidence of your love for me then you have a very weak case Counselor."
"You dare to challenge the great Perry Mason?" he countered, trying to mask his smile.
"Oh, I don't know, I would hate to ruin your untarnished record." Her desire was evident in her voice.
"Come here," he demanded gruffly. Perry kissed her deeply as she trailed her fingers up and down his back. He shivered at the sensations she was arousing in him. Even after all these years Della's touch still penetrated to his very soul. He began to trail kisses along her jaw to her ear, down her neck and then up her throat to once again claim her lips. When he finally broke the kiss to take a breath she reached up to kiss his neck. He gently pushed her back down. "Uh uh, I am presenting my case before the court, remember?"
"Mmmmm, well by all means don't let me interrupt you Counselor."
With that he returned to her mouth. He then moved to her collarbone and down to her breasts. God she had glorious, well, glorious everything. He paused to look at her, all of her. Would there ever be a day when this woman didn't drive him crazy? Just as he finished the thought she wiggled seductively beneath him. Lord he hoped not, he thought as he began to intimately explore familiar territory.
After their interlude, Perry could tell Della's mind was far away. "Penny for your thoughts, Love?"
"I was just thinking about how lucky I am," Della replied.
"I'm the lucky one Sweetheart." Perry delicately caressed her cheek. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't thank God for giving her to him. She was the only woman he had ever truly loved. Oh, there had been a few other women in his life. But the affection he'd had for them could not compare to what he felt for Della.
As she held Perry's hand to her cheek, Della felt a pang of guilt. It was the same pang of guilt she felt every time he told her how wonderful she was. She kept thinking about what she had done. In the past, whenever she considered telling him, she had always talked herself out of it. She always convinced herself that he was better off not knowing and that it was senseless to hurt him after all these years. But now she knew that there was no way she could marry him without complete honesty. Della knew that she could no longer keep it a secret. No, now that she was going to be his wife she had to tell him the truth. Della's eyes were filling with the tears that she was unsuccessfully trying to hold back.
"Sweetheart, what's the matter?"
Della could see the concern spreading across his face. "I guess I'm just feeling a little sentimental." She looked down at the hand that wore his ring. "I just hope that as your wife, I never let you down or do anything to disappoint you." she replied as she fiddled with her ring.
"That is not possible," answered Perry. "You are everything I need or want or could even hope for."
"I'm sorry, I really am happy," she forced a smile as she wiped away her tears. "Maybe my nerves are just getting to me."
Perry leaned down and kissed her tenderly. "Then, just let me hold you for awhile."
Della smiled, but inside she wondered how he would react to her news. She had done it with the best of intentions but would Perry see it that way?
Later Perry and Della ate lunch then went into the backyard where they sat down on a bench overlooking Della's rose garden. Della turned to face him. "Perry we need to talk."
Perry immediately noticed the tone of her voice and her serious expression. "Is something wrong?"
"Well, yes, I have to tell you something and I have to do it before I can marry you."
"Della, what is it? Are you sick?"
"No, no, it's nothing like that." Della's heart was in her throat. She took a deep breath then began to force the words out. "Do you remember when I left to be with mother before she died?" She could feel her heart breaking for him already.
"Yes, that was during our fifth year together."
"Well, Perry, mother wasn't the only reason that I left." Her hands were shaking so she wrung them together trying to get them to stop.
Perry was immediately guilt stricken. "I know you were very angry with me at that time and very hurt by the way I acted with Laura…"
"That wasn't the only reason either." Della could feel the tears returning again and she paused for a long moment.
Perry could see that there was something very wrong. He stroked her hair trying to give her some measure of comfort. "What is it Della, what is hurting you so much?"
"I was pregnant, Perry."
"Pregnant?" Perry was in shock. He thought back to that time when he had run back to Laura trying to hide from his fears. Apparently she too had sought solace in someone else's arms. "So… so you were… you were carrying another man's child." He said softly. "Della," he lifted her face to look at him but she still avoided his eyes. "I can't be upset with you for there being another man. Not after what had happened between Laura and me. Especially since I was the one who drove you away. I just don't understand why you never told me."
Tears were pouring down Della's face now and Perry gently wiped them away then took her hands. Della looked down at their hands. She couldn't do this. She wanted to back out now. Maybe it was better that he not know. Della could barely form the words. Finally she raised her head again but instead of looking at him she stared past him. "No Perry, there was no other man," she said in a near whisper.
Perry stared at her. His mind was trying to wrap around what his heart didn't want to comprehend. "You mean… it was… it was my child?" He was now choking back his own tears. Della couldn't reply and only shook her head in response. "But why Della? Why did you not at least give me a choice?" Perry was so confused he didn't know what to think, or feel, or say. "Surely you knew that I would have taken care of you and the baby. We could have been a family!" She noticed the anger creeping into his voice.
"Of course I knew that Perry. That's why I had to give the baby away. I know you don't understand right now but I was trying to protect you. You and I both know what would have happened to your reputation and to your career once word got out! You would have been ruined!"
Now it was his turn to avoid looking at her. "I wouldn't have given a damn about any of that and you know it. I would have still had you and we would have still had our child."
"Perry you and I both know better than that. Your career was everything to you and at the time so was Laura, or so I thought. I knew I was in love with you but when you began seeing Laura again I was so hurt, and I thought that you were in love with her. I figured that what we'd had was just a fling and that it was over. I wasn't going to let you marry me just because I was pregnant. And I certainly wasn't going to destroy the one thing you loved the most; your job." Della felt as though a huge weight was being lifted off of her and that her heart was breaking at the same time.
Thousands of thoughts were banging around in Perry's head. His child, their child was out there somewhere and he never even knew. He abruptly stood up. "I need to think," he said as he turned and left.
Della's entire body shook she was sobbing so hard. After about an hour she rose and walked into the house. Noticing Perry's car was gone she went to her bed, curled up into a ball, and began to sob again. "That's it," she said to herself, "now he sees me as the horrible person that I am."
Perry began to drive. He didn't know where he was going only knowing he needed to get away. He couldn't be angry with her, not really. He was the one who had made her feel as though she had no other choice. And he had made her feel that both another woman and his career meant more to him than she did. He was the one that, for a period of time, no matter how brief, had chosen Laura over Della. He was the one who let his fear keep him from accepting how he really felt about her. His stupid fear of relationships, of being left, of being destroyed just like his father. How ironic, he thought, that it was while Della was gone, having his child that he had finally let himself realize how much he loved her. Not just as a colleague, or a friend, or even a lover for that matter. No, it was then that he let himself accept that he loved her with his entire being and that no matter what may or may not happen, he had to have her in his life. She was his soul.
Perry grimaced at the memory that pushed its way into his mind. The memory of why he had pulled away from Della to begin with. The pictures began to flash through his head. The pictures of her and Hamilton on the dance floor. The way he leaned in and whispered something in her ear and how she threw back her head laughing. The way he took her hand and led her back to their table. Perry stood out of sight, but he was close enough to hear their conversation. He was trying to figure out why she was here, with him. When he had asked Della to dinner earlier in the day she said she had plans with a girlfriend who was in town. Her response had seemed completely honest and she even seemed excited about her evening.
Hamilton's voice brought him out of his analysis. "Della how did you manage to get away from that tyrant you call a boss? Letting you out of his sight was very poor judgment on his part."
"Oh, Perry doesn't know everything I do." She relied demurely. Perry could still hear her voice in his head.
"I don't suppose I have a chance of stealing you away from him?" Hamilton's voice was filled with implication.
"Professionally or personally," she asked. Perry's temper was nearing the point of explosion so before he could hear the remainder of their conversation he turned on his heel and left. All of his fears from the past came rushing back to him. Perry never mentioned the incident to Della nor had he ever given her the chance to explain. He just began to push her out of his life. The final push came when he let Della believe that Laura was still important to him.
Months later, after Della had left, Perry had run into Hamilton at the courthouse.
"Hey Perry, where is that gorgeous secretary of yours? I haven't seen her in awhile."
"I'm sure you haven't," he replied coolly. "She has gone home for a little while. Her mother is very ill."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, tell her I'm thinking about her will you?" Hamilton turned to leave but hesitated. "Perry I hope you know how lucky you are. Della is a wonderful woman and she only has eyes for you."
"And how would you know anything about that?" Perry eyes narrowed as he struggled to keep a check on his temper.
A guilty look spread across Burger's face. "Perry I have a confession to make. A few months ago I ran into Della at the Rose Room. She was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, but something came up and the friend had to cancel. Well, I couldn't just let her leave." Perry could feel the heat rising up his neck as he tried to keep himself from throttling the illustrious District Attorney right then and there. "Here she was disappointed and dressed to the nines so I invited her to join me. She agreed and well, I have to admit, I pulled out all the stops. I did my damnedest to steal her away from you. But no dice, she wouldn't budge. You were all she could talk about. It's obvious that Della is a woman who is very much in love. Although why it's with a big galoot like you I'll never know."
Perry stood there frozen. He managed a nod to Hamilton as he left. The realization of what he had done hit him like a ton of bricks. She had never lied to him about what she was doing that night. She had never been with Hamilton outside of just a friendly meeting. Perry finally realized that Della loved him. And even though he had tried to force her out of his personal life he knew he still loved her too. Fears be damned, he was going to get her back.
That night was his last night with Laura. They had gone to dinner and then back to his apartment. He had thought of nothing but Della the entire evening.
"I am still here Perry," Laura had said bitterly.
"I'm sorry Laura. I'm just worried about….a case."
"Why don't you call her?"
"Call who?" he asked, very poorly trying to cover his real concern.
"Perry, you're not fooling anyone." Laura had tears in her eyes and disdain in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I'm just…it's just…she's been gone for almost four months and the only thing I've heard from her has been through Gertie. Della is a good friend who is losing her mother and I'm concerned about her."
"You're more than concerned and she is more than a good friend. I'm not stupid Perry." Laura voiced accusingly.
"Laura, I am not…"
"You said her name." The hatred filled her voice.
"I did not."
"Yes you did, last night when we were together you said her name; twice. It was her face that filled your mind, not mine. And it's her that fills your heart. It's her you love, not me."
"Laura…"
"Why are you with me? Why aren't you with her? Wait, let me answer that question for you. You're with me because you love her. You're with me because it terrifies you to have those intense feelings for someone. You're with me because it's safe. Because if you don't love me then you don't get hurt. I'm your spare."
He stared into space, knowing he couldn't say anything, because she was right.
"You aren't even going to deny it are you? You know, for being such a brilliant man Perry Mason, you're a complete fool!" And with that Laura had turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.
For the next three months he tried over and over to contact Della. He had wanted to tell her how sorry he was and what a fool he had been. He knew how much he'd hurt her because of his damned insecurities. After that he thought he'd lost her. She wouldn't accept his calls and his letters came back "return to sender." He couldn't blame her after what he had done to her. Little did he know his relationship with Laura and losing her mother hadn't been half of what she had gone through.
He thought he had lost her forever, and the thought of life without her made him sick. Then suddenly out of the blue, she had shown up at the office. She had come back. He remembered how distant she was at first and the strain that had been between them. There were numerous times when he had caught her crying, but he always assumed it was because she missed her mother, or because she was still hurting after what he had done to her. But he had hoped that with time the pain he had caused her would fade and eventually she would be able to accept his love. And she had. Although right now he hadn't a clue as to why. He had put his career, his fears, and another woman before her. Because of his selfishness she had been forced to give away her only child; their only child.
Perry headed back to Della's praying she would be able to find it in her heart to forgive him once again. When he arrived the house was dark and he let himself in. He found her sitting up on her bed with her knees pulled up to her chin and her arms wrapped around her legs. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were red and swollen from crying. Her face was streaked from the tears. His heart ached at the sight of her.
"Perry?" Della looked up at him and fresh tears began to fall. "Perry if you don't want to get married now I completely understand. And for what it's worth I am sorry." She could barely speak from crying so hard.
His long strides quickly closed the gap between them. "Della, my sweet, sweet Della." He sat down and pulled her close and held her. "I am so, so sorry for what I have cost you; for what I have cost us. And most of all I'm sorry that I made you feel unloved and that you felt you had no other choice." He pulled back and looked into her eyes. "Of course I still want to marry you and I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you."
"So you can forgive me?" asked Della.
"Of course I can forgive you. My question is can you forgive me?"
Della took his face in her hands and looked at him for a long moment. "I love you, Perry Mason." She reached up and wiped away his tears. Then he took her hands and kissed them. After he released her Della reached into the drawer of her bedside table. "I want to show you something," she said as she pulled out a small photo. "Here is a picture of your daughter." Perry stared at the small worn hospital picture.
"A daughter?" Perry managed to choke out.
"Uh huh." Della answered as she smiled with pride. "Isn't she the most beautiful baby you've ever seen?"
"Yes she is. She looks just like her mother."
"But she has her father's eyes." Neither one of them could keep the tears from falling again.
"I was so afraid that you would hate me once I told you." Della confessed.
"That could never happen. In fact I have never loved you more than I do right now." He kissed her deeply.
Later that evening he lay holding her in his arms. He wasn't sure he really wanted to ask her but he knew he needed to know the answer. "Della is this why you would never marry me? Is this the real reason you wouldn't go to San Francisco with me?"
Della thought for a long moment and sighed. "If I'm being completely honest with myself, yes, deep down I think it was the reason. I know this is going to sound stupid but, I just felt that if I married you then…, that everything I had sacrificed, and all of the pain that I had felt became pointless. But when you proposed this last time I finally told myself that I couldn't live my life, live our life according to the past."
"Do you still feel that way?"
"Yes I do." She kissed him soundly and ran her fingers through his hair. "I love
you Perry Mason and it's not enough to just spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be yours completely, wholly, legally; however you want to phrase it. And I want you to be mine. If you'll still have me."
"You couldn't get rid of me even of you wanted to. I think I've proven that over the years." He retuned her kiss and then grew serious again. "Della, I… I need you to know why I went running back to Laura all those years ago. I know I told you that it was because I didn't know how much I loved you until you were gone, but that wasn't necessarily true. It did take your leaving for me to realize that my life meant nothing without you and that happiness wasn't possible with anyone but you." Perry stroked her face as she gave him a small smile. "But as far as loving you, I knew that from almost the first moment I laid eyes on you. That love grew everyday and that, that scared me to death. My feelings for you grew so overwhelming that I knew I had completely lost my heart to you, and I was terrified. When Laura left the first time it had hurt, but it certainly was not devastating. I knew that if things fell through with us again that I would survive and I also knew that if I continued falling for you as hard as I already was, I would never survive losing you. I felt like my feelings for you were dangerous, and that she was safe, well, sort of." Della searched his eyes trying to understand. "I know this doesn't make much sense because I was the one who pushed you away. I was just so afraid of love and of following in my father's footsteps. You see Della, my father loved my mother with all his heart and when I was eight years old, my mother walked out on both of us. It destroyed him Della. He began drinking, he lost his job, and then he died. All from a broken heart. I swore that I would never let a woman consume that much of me. And I stuck to that until…," Perry stopped and pulled Della closer to him, "until that wonderful day when you walked into my life."
Della looked at him lovingly. "Perry I understand your fears and I understand why you felt like you had to take caution with your heart but surely you knew me well enough to know that I would never leave you like that."
"I thought that I did but…never mind Della it doesn't matter now." He didn't want to admit to her how stupid he had been. How he'd acted out of jealousy and mistrust.
"Yes, yes it does matter. Perry if I ever did anything to hurt you or to cause you to doubt me I want to know. I need to know. Perry please."
With a sigh he reluctantly began to tell her of the misunderstanding with Hamilton. A look of complete shock swept across her features. "Perry I never…, it was just a coincidence that he was there that night. It was just dinner between two friends. Oh he tried to steal me away, and I even teased him a bit, but he knew he didn't have a chance even before he began."
Perry stopped her, "I know Della. Shortly after you left I ran into Hamilton and he told me about it. Della once again I was a complete fool. None of this may have ever happened if I had just come to you and discussed it with you. But instead I got scared and ran away."
Della could feel his tears as they fell. "Thank you, thank you for sharing that with me. I know that it was hard for you, but it does help me to better understand that awful time in our lives." She reached up and kissed him. "I love you; you will always be my one and only love."