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Sorry about the long wait!
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That evening, Angeline stood in the doorway, waving. "Bye, Arty! Mail me!"
Artemis, standing next to Butler, shouted back, "Yes Mother. I will see you in a year."
Artemis, Coeus, and Persephone climbed into the car. Butler, on the other hand, could not even fit through the car door. "That's alright," he sighed, "I'll just take a light jog."
Coeus stared. "A jog, dude? The airport's, like, a million, like, miles away, dude!"
Artemis put his hand of Coeus's shoulder. "It's fine. Butler needs his exercise, anyway."
Coeus tilted his head. "Well, whatever you dudes want, I guess."
Artemis's aunt started the car. He decided the best possible way to make use of his time was sleeping. Sleeping was good for the mind and the body, after all.
Artemis had just managed to retire in a comfortable position when Coeus decided to put on some music.
Metallica music.
The music was bad, but what was even worse is that Coeus and Persephone tried to sing along with it. Unfortunately Coeus and Persephone were not star singers.
Needless to say, it was a long 2 hours for Artemis.
---
Butler, outside jogging beside the car, was feeling relaxed, or rather, as close as he could ever to relaxed. The road was busy, as expected. Butler observed the cars as they passed. They're slow, he thought. He suddenly realized he was feeling a bit fatigued.
I need to work out more, he thought.
---
2 hours later Artemis was dead.
Mentally dead.
He was sitting straight up, but his face was agony and his eyes were unfocused.
"Dude, what are you, like, like, like, doing?"
Artemis came to his senses and found Coeus's face right in front of him. "I am abhorred by your choice of music."
Persephone nodded her head over dramatically and told Artemis, "Dude, this is, like, modern, 'kay, dude? It's, like, the new."
Artemis decided he preferred out-of-date music to the new. "Do you have possession of any classical music?"
Coeus's nose wrinkled. "No."
The edges of Artemis's mouth lowered. "Jazz?"
Coeus nodded his head with Persephone. "Nope!"
"What do you have?!?"
Coeus and Persephone spoke in unison. "Metallica!"
Artemis's head fell into his lap. There goes his nap.
---
Artemis Fowl II was familiar with the airport. He visited often, for flying to his various appointments with those who had valuable information. However, this experience at the airport was slightly different.
"Dude! Like, look at the, like, plane, dude!"
Artemis froze. Why was it always him?
Persephone ran up the airplane ramp and shouted, "Dudes! Let's, like, go!"
Artemis, followed by Butler, slowly followed. Well, at least there were no radios in the airplane.
---
The four participants in this story stood at the passenger-pick-up area outside. Artemis took the few minutes to look around. This was indeed LA. Surrounding him were Coeus and Persephone look-alikes. Artemis stood out like a sore thumb. He could just feel the people staring.
His savior, his aunt and uncle's car, drove up to the four in a way that inferred that the driver had only passed the driver's test because the instructor was tired of him. Poor Artemis walked into the black van with worried eyes. How would he ever survive?
---
1 hour, 57 minutes, and 36 seconds later Artemis found himself in front of a nightmare. Not the type of nightmare in dreams, but the type of nightmare in reality.
The object in front of him was black. It was broken down and dusty. The holes in the sides had spider webs in them. There was no room to step; it was cluttered.
Let us just say it was not a very pretty house.
Artemis took one look at the house and committed a very silly action. He fell to the floor speechless.
Butler, catching Artemis, sighed. He stepped into the house. This was going to take a long time to clean up.
Coeus grinned. "Aren't you, like, blown away by it's, like, awesomeness?"
Artemis said faintly, "Butler…"
Butler shook his head a bit. He turned to Persephone. "Where can Artemis rest?"
Persephone replied, "Like, in the guest room, I guess…" Seeing Butler raising his eyebrow, she continued, "Dude, it's, like, up the stairs. Last door on, like, the left."
Butler, minding where he stepped, carried his employer up the stairs. It's a good thing he had made reservations for himself at a nearby hotel.
---
Artemis found his voice when he woke up. Evidently, he must have fallen asleep on the bed he rested.
Butler, who was of course actually lurking nearby, watched Artemis. Artemis got up and walked over to his suitcase. He opened it.
Here it comes, thought Butler.
Artemis screamed, "BUTLER!"
Butler appeared in front of Artemis. The small boy gestured the suitcase. "What is this?"
"Hmm?" Butler stared innocently.
"Where is my laptop? And my papers? And my books?" Artemis asked indignantly.
Butler sighed. "Mrs. Fowl ordered me that you are not to work on your business at all while you are here. She said to focus on building childhood memories and school."
Artemis shouted, "I cannot live life without my trades. I'm a criminal mastermind—" Only then Artemis processed everything Butler had said. "Wait, school? What school?"
Butler sighed again. It was becoming a habit. "You are to attend Rock Hill School as an 8th grader."
Artemis's eyes widened in disbelief. "8th grader?! I am 13, for goodness sake! Just who do they think I am?"
Butler replied, "The cousin of Coeus and Persephone. A little school like Rock Hill has never heard of Artemis Fowl or Fowl Industries."
Artemis placed his fingers on his forehead. "Butler, for once in my life, I cannot comprehend my current scenario."
Glad to hear it, thought Butler.
---
Artemis, groaning, found himself looking very out of place. He was wearing his casual clothes, which were a blue silk shirt and a pair of brown khakis. What he was wearing did not fit with the black backpack Artemis was carrying. What was worse, was that he was in the sun, and therefore looked like a vampire. With a backpack. Waiting for a school bus.
Coeus and Persephone found themselves feeling normal, or as normal as they could be. They both had their IPods plugged into their ears, and turned on full blast. From where Artemis was standing, he could hear the morbid funeral music. Artemis was standing 6 feet away.
The bus arrived, and all three entered. Artemis, who had never experienced a school bus, was abhorred, once again by normal life.
The bus was noisy, dirty, and crammed, all three at once. Coeus and Persephone jumped on the school bus to be greeted by a crowd of punks. Artemis stared. There was no way he was getting on that.
"Hey, Artemis," Coeus called. "Dude, are you, like, getting on?"
Artemis silently backed away from the bus door. "Butler," he ordered the larger man who appeared in front of him, "You are taking me to school. In the limousine."
Butler, looking at Artemis, said, "Aren't you going to take the school bus?"
Artemis frowned. "Butler, I cannot compel myself to enter such faculties. The place is polluted."
Butler frowned as well. "Artemis, Angeline ordered me that you are to live as a normal student. Normal students don't ride limousines to school."
Artemis scoffed. "It is not printed in my genetic layout to act normal."
Butler thought, You can say that again. "Fine. I'll get the car." He knew that in a debate, no one could win against Master Artemis.
Artemis waited there in the sun. The kids on the school bus watched this strange phenomenon. After all, one didn't see a vampire everyday.
Butler pulled up the black limousine as Artemis entered. The latter was just about to shut the open door when—
"Hey, dude!"
The two mosquitoes had come back to haunt him. Persephone walked straight into the car and entered. Coeus followed and grinned sloppily. "Dude, I, like, wanna ride this, like, thing too!"
Artemis widened his eyes a shouted in desperation, "Butler! Go as fast as you can!" He felt his IQ dropping by the second.
Butler smiled. Artemis had better get used to this soon.
---
Artemis was sure that his dear cousins would indeed trash his car. After, all, this was the impression they had made on him. He braced himself to have his ears blasted out and covered his ears. Artemis could just imagine the blasting sound of drums and screaming—
Silence issued.
Artemis blinked in disbelief. When he raised his head his mouth dropped to the carpeted floor.
Coeus and Persephone were studying.
Studying.
Artemis's hands fell to his sides and he gasped out, "What are you doing?"
Persephone answered, "Studying! Duh!"
Artemis asked, "What for?"
Coeus turned a page in the textbook that lay in his lap. "We've, like, got a test today, so I'm, like, studying."
Artemis twitched. He bent over and rested his head on a hand. He thought, They are simply hallucinations. Nothing more.
If only they were.
---
The limousine pulled up next to the school. The innocent bystanders stared. They stared even harder as Coeus and Persephone exited the vehicle, and even more at the vampire/ghost trailing behind them.
One of the punks walked up to Coeus. "Dude, did you, like, become rich, man?"
Coeus replied, "No, dude, I, like, got a, like, cousin, like, instead!"
The other punk looked on. "What's that, like, vampire, like, following you around for?"
Persephone pointed at the subject of their conversation. "That's, like, our cousin, dude!"
Another person walked up to them. "Wow, you, like, have a, like, vampire for a cousin?"
Persephone put on a serious face. "Like, yeah."
The reply came, "Wow. That's, like, cool, man! That's, like, totally wicked!"
This is how Artemis came to find what a show-and-tell item felt like. "I will depart. May you tell me where the head of this establishment is located at present?"
Everyone present blinked, the universal language for, Huh?
Artemis sighed. He had a feeling that this would happen sometime in the future.
---
Artemis stumbled around the school for a while until he met a teacher, or some sort of adult. He stated, "Excuse me,"
The adult choked. "What did you say?"
Artemis felt a bit awkward. "I said, 'Excuse me'."
The adult, a teacher, grabbed Artemis's shoulders. "Say that again."
Artemis, not used to being ordered around, narrowed his eyes. "My dear sir, I assumed that you held the position as teacher, and, naturally, I intended to ask directions. Unfortunately you felt the need to commit this strange act and now I find myself in this discomforting scenario. Will you be so kind as to let go?"
The teacher's face fell and let go. He looked a bit disappointed. "Oh, it's another strange one. For once I thought we had someone respectful. Well, I can't understand half of what teenagers say these days…" He continued muttering and walked down the hall.
Artemis mumbled, "He did not even answer my question." I must find more useful beings in the future, he thought.
---
Artemis stumbled around the school, trying to find someone who would answer his questions and not gasp in horror. After asking the math, science, fine arts, language, and writing teacher, he gave up. This was going to nowhere.
He was walking down the hallway, exploring the different layouts of the school. The way was clear, and no one seemed present. He was about to call for Butler when a huge muscular man appeared in front of him. "Excuse me, sir?" he asked.
The muscular man turned and stared at Artemis hard. "What?"
Artemis's eye twitched. He was not used to being talked to in such an impolite tone. "Where might I find the principal?"
The man, apparently the gym teacher, replied, "Down the hall, 3rd door on the right. Has 'Principal's Office' on it."
Artemis decided right there that out of all the teacher, the gym teacher was the most sensible. How unlike Artemis.
Artemis turned and headed down the hall.
After he left, the man muttered, "So that's the rumored Coeus and Persephone's cousin. Huh, I need to whip him into shape. He's so small! And pale! I should contact Butler. He could give me some tips…"
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