We're now back to the basement area, only a small globe-like thing can be seen…with several soda bottles, fast food, and trash cans…
"Hello, and welcome to Refuge in Audacity, where Bad Media goes down the toilet," Rook replied. "You're probably wondering two things: One, how the HELL did I order so much fast food and not get fat, and what's the sphere-like thing? Well, the latter tied into the first review, but the first leads me into this review."
He then got the freezer out.
"This is White Castle food, by the way, and the movie I'm reviewing is from the SAME DIRECTOR of 'Dude, Where's My Car?'. It's called Harold and Kumar…go to White Castle."
Sure enough, screenshots were shown.
"The movie's description is easier than it shows, however, as it involves hot latin chicks, businessmen, a nerdy Asian woman, a cameo from Bobby Lee and the REAL Harold Lee (oddly enough), a freakshow with a hot wife, Doogie Howser…or Neil Patrick Harris…"
He then shrugged.
"It's basically something that says 'That much trouble for a bunch of burgers' in one condensed package, and if anything, this is where it begins."
Cue the movie.
"It starts off at the office point where we meet…two guys who AREN'T Harold and Kumar. If anything, it basically shows a fake-out as soon as we get to the plot. As it turns out, John Cho, playing Harold, got shoved with the work of his SUPERIORS while they go out and party."
(Wa wa wa waaaaaaaaaa….)
Cue Rook.
"If it were me, I'd probably be pissed," he said. "Seriously, when I would find out, I'd be a brown noser…"
Back to the movie…
"We then cue to some sort of University where Taj Bandala…er, Kumar Patel, is applying for Med School when his cell phone is basically ringing."
Back to Rook.
"Yeah, if it were me," Rook said, "I'd probably get one that sounds somewhat like a theme song to a Japanese Anime or Tokusatsu program, but if anything, I didn't think they made one for stoners…"
Back to the movie…
"Well, as it turns out, his mannerisms are different from his scores when this one-liner is basically given:"
"Yeah, just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do…"
"I'm cutting it short because there might be kids watching," Rook said, "but yeah, to summarize it, he managed to shoot his opportunity down. Big time. Talk about betrayal of genre…or what is that trope called again?"
Back to the movie…
"Apparently, we go back to Harold, where we get a glimpse of his daily life: Harassed by the skater punks in the truck and constantly imagining his conversation with Maria, the chick from across the hall, when although she would like to meet him, he's too much of a wimp to actually do so."
Back to Rook…
"Yeah, don't ask," he said. "I'm imagining some guy with a chicken mask showing up and buzzing in, but he's not a plumber and she's not harassed by her boss, so…"
(JOKE ABORTED!!!)
"And as it turns out, they're ROOMMATES. Good God, it's like the Odd Couple, only Interracial, and that's not a bad thing, either. Harold's the Straight Man and Kumar's the Guy Everyone Likes."
"So as it turns out, Harold managed to hollow out a basic textbook sometime ago and stuff his stash of weed in there."
With Rook…
"Must have been a Lupus Textbook."
"It's not Lupus," House replied.
"Strangely enough, I'm referencing John Cho's Guest-Star Role and Kal Penn's Supporting Role in House at once. Weird."
Back to the movie…
"So, after being high out of their butts and watching Sixteen Candles, which I have never seen before in my life by the way, guess what happens that drives the plot."
With Rook…
"We've got A) some twist of fate; B) a hilarious prank by the punks; or C) a TV Commercial."
After a few seconds…
"If you chose C, you're right."
Back to the movie…
"So we start out with going to their neighbors, who have a topless Virgin Mary on their outer door, and as it turns out…they're Jewish and watching Katie Holmes on the Exorcist…mostly trying to watch her topless, the other part is getting high out of their butts as well."
With Rook…
"And if anything, this leads to their OWN subplot that would make its OWN movie, but we're focusing on the Korean and Indian guy."
Back to the movie…
"After revisiting Maria and meeting up with the skater punks who make a joke about…"
"THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO!!!"
"…we then managed to get out through the night, even though it was sunny a few seconds ago…or was it sunset? I don't know, most of the fast food was from a video game drainage earlier. Back to the movie, we get a hilarious toll booth incident that would consider itself…a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment."
"BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!!!"
"Seriously, we do NOT see the fat bah-stard again."
"Now that really hurts my feelings," Fat Bastard replied. "I've tried to go clean, but it's hard to fit in that a society that demands perfection."
Rook was groaning.
"Not what I was referring to…"
Back to the movie…
"After getting out of NEWARK, of all places, they then end up in New Brunswick where they find that the White Castle they were looking for…is replaced with a Burger Shack…with Anthony Anderson as the Drive-Thru guy."
With Rook…
"What? Did you think it would be over already? We've only just begun!"
Back to the movie…
"Seriously, as it turns out, the guy had CRAVED White Castle and wanted to burn the place down just thinking about them…and decided to tell them to resist temptation until they get there…then tells them about the ingredient that made customers recoil in disgust."
"I'll give you a hint," the Drive-Thru guy said. "It's semen."
That made Rook go bug-eyed…until he laughed. Then it got worse.
"Animal semen."
"OH MY GOD!!!" Rook yelled. "Bump the rating UP!!!" He then groaned. "Moving on…"
Back to the movie…
"After going around, they then found themselves in Princeton, where Harold says he's got a stalker named Cindy Kim that's obsessed with her Asian-American club. After saying that he's not going to see her because Kumar's after a possible stash in there, he talked him into it. Sad part is, after spending the only money he had, he met up with twins that were carrying a bag of tacos to their dorm room."
With Rook…
"Dude, if anything, I'd go out with them…if it wasn't for the little factor that's going to be shown later."
Back to the movie…
"The Harold Lee cameo was TOTALLY unintentional, but I don't know for sure. If anything, after getting chased by a security guard that just did Improv and is funny as hell when doing so, they end up…in the Women's Bathroom."
With Rook…
"Yeah, living proof that their bathroom isn't as different from ours. However, this leads into the reason WHY I didn't want to risk it."
Back to the movie…
"The twins from one scene earlier show up…and apparently, while going in the stalls NEXT to the ones they're hiding in…they have a subsequent bout of diarrhea."
With Rook…
"You cannot make this up," he said, with a deadpan look. "You have no idea how hard they TRIED to make this believable without going for taco farts…and the looks they produce make it SO much funnier, especially when they play a game of Battleshit, which is Battleship with crap."
Back to the movie…
"As it turns out, the Asian-American club Cindy Kim wanted to invite Harold in was basically more lively than they thought. Then…they ran out of Princeton, and if anything, the House Jokes I missed are probably STAGGERING, but the security guard had managed to catch the hippie guy that ripped Kumar off."
With Rook…
"Business hippie my ASS!!!" he yelled.
Back to the movie…
"However, after a small BLAM moment with some guy in a business suit, if anything, Harold and a Raccoon managed to duke it out with a possible fear of rabies. With that, they end up in a hospital."
With Rook…
"And we get to know that Kumar's Dad is the Chief of Medicine."
(Picture of Bob Kelso shows up.)
"No, not that one, and don't bring up, Cuddy, PLEASE!!!"
Back to the movie…
"And this is where this confuses me. Is that the brother or just the Wilson character. If anything, after one talk, he basically sneaks off with his Dad's ID Card. And guess who they run into on their way to the medical supply chamber? That's right, Van Wilder makes a cameo appearance, and guess what got House's interest? He was able to do hands-on surgery."
With Rook…
"I wonder what would happen if they had Hugh Laurie involved with this movie…" he muttered.
Back to the movie…
"After getting directions from the surgical patient to where the White Castle on Cherry Hill street is, we then find out that Harold had finished his work and Maria and he had one thing in common: They were John Hughes fans. However, to spoil the moment, as Kumar was trying to invite her over, Harold had managed to put the accelerator on and they go down a hill off the road where the tires are flattened. So if anything, we enter something out of a horror movie when we meet Freakshow."
With Rook…
He was speechless.
Back to the movie…
"After a car ride out of intense fear and disgust, they then were invited to enter his house and if anything, much to Kumar's delight, he said they could screw his wife. However, the fear on Harold's face is GENUINE considered that he was never told about the dogs, which makes it that much funnier."
With Rook…
"And if it didn't step into Big-Lipped Alligator Territory enough, look no further. It gets stranger when it turns out the trailer is nice and tidy…and Freakshow is a Jesus Freak. Oh, and Freakshow's Wife is basically SMOKIN HOT!!!"
"We have officially entered the Twilight Zone," Kumar replied.
"Out of Sight, out of Sound, out of Mind," he said. "You have entered…Big-Lipped Alligator Territory."
"BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR TERRITORY!!!"
Back to the movie…
"I had to skip this part considering we see Freakshow's butt, but if anything, they never talk about this again, and I already did the joke. However, ANOTHER cameo appearance shows up, and I'll let the movie speak for itself."
"Dude, you're…Neil Patrick Harris!!!" Kumar yelled, almost fan-gasming. Especially when Neil confirmed it.
"Sad part is, he's not playing his real self, who is ambiguously gay. Other than that, they end up at a gas station and leave him IN the car…and they needed directions, but they run into the Skater Punks that like to harass the store-owners."
With Rook…
He then sighed. "And this is Dante Hicks's worst nightmare AT work," he said. "Trust me, I need an Indian-English Dictionary for the phrase 'I'm not even supposed to be here today,' but the amount of Clerks jokes I can make is very limited."
Back to the movie…
"After a failed attempt to drive them off…the car drove off, leaving them to ask the stupid question."
"Did…Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?" Harold asked him, in disbelief.
After a slight pause…
"Yes, I think he did," Kumar replied.
"My answer would have been, 'No, he's just borrowing it because he's tripping balls and also wouldn't show ya what he did earlier,'" Rook muttered, "but it's too obvious. Oh, and if anything, here's your sign."
Back to the movie…
"If anything, after a small argument on whose fault it was, apparently, the POLICE…or I SHOULD say Racist Cop Number One, gives Harold a 220-Dollar ticket for jaywalking, and as it turns out, Kumar had called him off…and Harold got SO PISSED OFF that he punched the guy in the face. Yeah, smart move. And to prove that the cop was racist, a black guy was sitting in jail because someone said that a black guy was stealing television sets in Newark, but that's the guy who wasn't IN Newark."
With Rook…
"These are the guys that make the cops from RENO 911 seem competent, too," he said. "But this is where the driving point of the whole movie comes in."
"Look at me," the African-American Priest said. "I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers."
Harold gave him an odd look.
"People have been messing with me my whole life. Now, I've learned a long time ago that you can't be angry when a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should."
(Cutaway…)
"They're riding the Karma Train now," Jason Lee as Earl replied.
(End Cutaway…)
Rook nodded.
"Well, if anything, a lot of people learn their best lessons in prison, but this is where the strange part ensues…and I'm not talking about the break-out scene with them focusing on the Black Guy OR the Fantasy Romance Sequence with Kumar and a Bag of Weed, either. It's the aftermath."
Back to the movie…
"After breaking Harold OUT of prison, they managed to catch their breath…and run into an escaped Cheetah."
With Rook…
"And this may seem like it came out of nowhere, but if anything, it was mentioned in the news story in the beginning of the movie, too."
Back to the movie…
"Luckily, this is where the Beef Jerky steps in and they get it stoned. I am not kidding, after getting it stoned, they then RIDE the cheetah and Harold managed to get into a cut dream sequence."
With Rook…
"That's right," he said. "What seemed to be a short dream sequence was supposed to be longer, and if anything, that's where the Cast Reunion shows up. However, it was cut short and now, Harold wakes up with Kumar licking his face…and two things are realized: One, which is worse, they're basically AWAY from Cherry Hill; and Two, Harold's Laptop is completely destroyed."
Back to the movie…
"After an AGONIZING walk to Hot Dog Heaven, they see the Skater Punks, but pause to see that the Jewish Duo are in Euphoria…which Harold wanted to be in. However, the moment of bravado is interrupted by the Skater Punks…and while remembering the Black Man's words…had managed to steal their truck."
With Rook…
"HECK YEAH!!!" he yelled. "Thank you, Karma!!!"
Back to the movie…
"However, it's not over as they got chased by a cop who was after the Skater Punks and was DOING HIS JOB CORRECTLY…however, when both Harold and Kumar escaped, they end up in the edge of a cliff and managed to find a glider, which prompts Kumar to give out a speech that involves oppressed people (probably a reference to the East-India Trading Company's source material) and managed to talk Harold into using said glider."
With Rook…
"Yeah, if anything, notice that the sun's up when it's supposed to be night, but your attention is drawn to the crop circles made like a male's genitals."
"Giggity," Quagmire said.
"However, they crash-land, MAKE IT to White Castle…and when they realize they're out of money…Neil Patrick Harris repays them in spades. And the problems get resolved: Harold shoved the work back to his superiors after threatening to show they were using HIM as a workhorse; Harold managed to communicate with Maria after getting back; and in the credits, the Cops AND the Skater Punks go to prison."
Rook nodded.
"However, the movie ends with a foreboding to the sequel, which turned out to be a fake-out that sets them in Guantanamo Bay, but I haven't seen the sequel so I'm not exactly as brushed up as I thought I was."
He then sighed.
"My name's Rook, and I take Refuge in Audacity. If anything, if you noticed a detail I missed, review me. Now if you'll excuse me, it's Garbage Day."
(In front of Hot Dog Heaven…)
"Dude, that was SO NOT extreme!!!" the Skater Punk yelled.
Sure enough, a flaming garbage bag had landed on them.
"Neither is this, but this is KARMA!!!" Rook yelled.
"!!!"