Chapter 2: Learning to Drive

Living in the part of Japan I did, having a car was a luxury. Sure, Japan makes all sorts of cars, but the areas outside of cities were small and unable to support car traffic. Here in America, cars have changed the face of the country over the centuries. Roads were built and paved to compensate for the damaging effects of the dirt and gravel, for it would cause wear and tear on the precious vehicles that the inhabitants of this great country use for survival. Industry was spurred and inventions came about to make a mark on the place I now call home. Well, because of all this, I decided that I wanted to get my driver's license. In reality, I had to pass an exam beforehand that would give me a plastic card I could use to practice driving with until a six month period was up, and I could go back and take a test in my car with a facilitator to determine whether I was ready or not.

There are a few things I should warn you about before you decide to get your license: never trust your surroundings, there ARE zombies in purgatory, illegal driving really does teach you how to drive legally, and when you have glass in your face, no matter how loud and how much you scream, it won't make it any better.

"Okay, Tsuna...are you ready?"

"Ready for...?"

"To learn to drive, of course!"

"Yes!"

"Great, take this."

"What?"

"It's Burnout Paradise. Here's a gaming steering wheel." He handed me the game and the steering wheel. I stared at them.

"This is how you're going to teach me how to drive...a game?"

"In a very dark room, on a really big TV...while I watch. First, we have to go through the basics, as if you were driving, and I was the passenger."

"I still don't see how this is going to help me..."

"You will see...come with me..."

I followed TC into a room. There was the body of a car sitting in the center. "What the hell? Why is there a car sitting in middle of this room?"

"It's a simulator! Come!" He walked inside. I shrugged and followed. "You'll be learning how to drive using an actual car."

"Okay..."

"Get into the driver's seat."

I sat in the seat. I grabbed onto the steering wheel and the windshield was turned into a screen. The game graphics were on the screen. "Alright, Tsunayoshi...choose a car, and let's get rolling."

"Aren't I supposed to be learning how to drive legally!?"

"If you can learn to drive illegally, then you'll know how to drive legally!"

"But, all the stop lights and stuff-"

"JUST FUCKING DRIVE."

"Do...I...need to stop!?"

"Yes, you must obey all traffic laws."

"WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, IF I'M GOING 100 MILES AN HOUR!?"

"You don't go 100 miles an hour, unless if the sign tells you to."

I let off the gas pedal. "You could have told me that."

"I just did."

"Yeah..."

"Keep your eyes on the fucking road!"

"I AM!"

"You just ran over a dog!"

"WELL I'M SORRY THAT IT RAN OUT IN FRONT OF THE CAR!"

"You're on the fucking sidewalk."

"NO I'M N-oh..." I turned the wheel. "Heh heh..."

"Dumbass..."

"I'm new to this..."

"LOOK OUT FOR THE LADY PUSHING A STROLLER."

And I hit the lady pushing a stroller. "WAAAAAAAAA!"

"Shit..."

"YOU JUST KILLED A FUCKING BABY. Look in the rearview...maybe it's still alive..."

I looked in the mirror. "It's still moving...but there's like...a giant tire mark on it...should I like, put it out of its misery?"

"Yes."

I stopped the simulation car, and put it into reverse. It ran over the baby again. "Okay...that was, not creepy at all..."

"WAAA!"

"OH MY GOD!" I drove over it again. "ZOMBEH!"

"WAAAA!"

"IT'S STILL ALIVE!"

"RUN OVER THE GOD DAMN HEAD!"

Again, the car went over the child, its head made a satisfying crunch and squish, and the blood squirted everywhere. "Whoa..."

"WAAA!"

"OHMAGOD A REAL ZOMBEH!"

"Stop the fucking car." TC got out and went into the trunk.

"Wait...why the fuck are you getting out, we're in a simulation."

"Actually..." He walked over holding a shot gun. "We're in purgatory." He cocked the gun.

"...seriously?"

"Yes." He walked over to Tsuna's side. "Die, zombetch!"

+BANG!+

"All witnesses annihilated." He jumped back into the car. "Fucking drive."

"Why?"

"DRIVE, DAMNIT!"

I stepped on the pedal, and we flew off. "STAY AT THE SPEED LIMIT."

"MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!"

"We're in a school zone. Slow the fuck down."

TC rolled down the window, and put the barrel of the gun out the window. "Time to go fishin'..."

"TC, you need professional help."

"That's what Josh is for!"

+Retatatatatatatatatat+

"OHMAGOD You just killed all those little kids, and that pregnant lady, and the priest...and the clown! OHMAGOD he's scary...HOLY SHIT, THE PRIEST IS ALIVE."

"EXORCIST!" He shot at him again.

"OHMAGOD!"

"PRAISE B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-Jesus."

"HE'S LIKE THE BABY..."

"MAYBE THEY'RE CONNECTED!"

"WHEN DID THIS BECOME ZOMBIES?"

"Who ever said they were fucking zombies? GRENADE! FRAG OUT." He threw one out the window. "DRIVE AWAY!"

"GOTCHA!" And off we went again, a scene of destruction playing behind us. A very ominous mushroom cloud formed over the group of children and people slaughtered.

"So...is this really teaching me how to drive...?"

"No, but this will."

Police cars were gaining on us, their sirens blaring. "Shit...shit...cops! I'm not even permitted!"

"I don't think that's the issue right now, Tsunayoshi! DRIVE LIKE THE FUCKING WIND."

"I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS...wait...you can get us out of this..."

"Ha-ah yeah, well...no."

"What do you mean?"

"Ahh...well...ya'see...YOU DRIVE, I GUN!" He ripped the door off its hinges, and threw it into the windshield of a police car. "DON'T LOOK...JUST DRIVE. I'M GETTING INTO THE BACK, I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT."

"Eeeeeeeeww...ohmagod, what?"

"I NEED...TO TAKE...A LARGE...ASS...JUSTICY...FILEY...SHIT."

"Oh, okay..."

TC climbed through the car and into the back seats. He punched out the back window. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'M BLEEDING."

"WAIT, WAHT!?"

"DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME, DRIVE!"

The sirens were still going. "WHY CAN'T WE LEAVE!"

"Because we have to make it to the PORTAL."

"What portal?!"

"Did I say portal? I meant, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRIVE DAMNIT. HOLY SHIT, BULLET!" +.MATRIX.+

"MY EAR ITCHES!"

"DON'T SCRATCH IT!"

"BUT IT REALLY ITCHES!"

"TAKE A LEFT!"

I turned the wheel sharply to the left. TC's face broke the window. "Shit...my face...it bleeds...it has glass in it...naah..."

"CAN WE PLEASE LEAVE NOW?"

"Naaah...glass in my face."

"Can I at least turn on the radio?"

"Sure, why not?"

I turned the radio on. It was silent for a moment. "...Sweet home Alabama...where the skies are so blue...sweet home Alabama...I'll be coming home to you...yes I will."

TC did the liberty of breaking the other window with his face. "EVEN MORE GLASS IN MY FACE! EVEN MORE BLOOD DRIPPING IN MY CLOTHES..."

I turned the radio to another channel. Epic chase music was on. "That's awesome..." I pulled a random pair of sunglasses out of thin air, and put them on. I popped a pill, and went into Hyper mode. "Let's do this."

"BADABING, MOTHER FUCKAS!" TC was shooting out the back window. "THIS IS FOR MY FACE!"

I swerved the car as bullets went past. Random Pokémon (bike road to veridian city) music started to play. "WHAT THE FOCK!?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I tried to change it. "IT WONT SHUT OFF."

TC turned one of his guns toward it, and shot it. "IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS..."

"Really...okay, whatever." He proceeded to shoot. "I WOULD BUY YOU A HOUSE!"

"I would buy you furniture for that house..." I added.

"Maybe a nice Chester Field, or an ottoman," said the cops.

"Well, at least we know we're in good company. If I had million dollars..." (TC)

"If I had million dollars..." (I)

"I would build us a tree house in the back of the house..." (TC)

"And I would put in a mini fridge!" (I) "I'm hungry now..."

"RUINING THE BARE NAKED LADIES MOMENT."

"Sorry..."

"You know, they have prewrapped sausage..."

"Yeah, but they don't have prewrapped bacon."

"Can you blame them?"

"Yeah."

"If I had a million dollars..."

"If I had a million dollars...I would buy you a monkey..."

"HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED A MONKEY!" TC said as he tossed a grenade out the window. "Hey, Tsunayoshi...I have a fairly advanced piece of technology right here in my hands...do you know what it does? This fucker is like a nuclear explosion in a bazooka..." The weapon fired off. "Well, there goes another couple hundred babies..."

The town behind us was blown to smithereens. "Yeah, TC...Aren't all these people just going to show up here again? It's purgatory, as you said."

"Hahahahahahaa...no."

"But..."

"This is earth, mark two."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It was created by Slabartfast."

"Fuck you and your references."

"DON'T PANIC. AH MY FACE IS BLEEDING! DON'T PANIC."

I stopped the car. There were zombies walking over the horizon. "Oh...shit...they're ALIVE."

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

I tried to push on the gas, and the car pretty much, in all it could say, said, "Fuck you guys, I'm going home."

"Well...we're fucked."

"You see, Tsunayoshi...there's a song I like to sing when I feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle...it goes little like this...'When all the world is a hopeless jumble...and the raindrops tumble...all around heaven...open some magic thing...when all the clouds darken up the skyway...there is a rainbow highway to be found...from your windowpane...somewhere over the rainbow...way up high...-"

"Fuck you, TC..."

"Yeah, I think we should get out of the car now." TC stepped out of the car, and stepped on a zombiebaby. "Ew...it doodied!"

I opened my door and stepped out. "Sounds good..." Amazingly, I was still in Hyper mode. "Okay...where do we go?"

"I don't know...help me get the stuff out of the trunk..."

"Sure, why not..."

I walked to the back. "I must say, for a Prius, it has a lot of trunk space."

"I know! You can hide like...ten dead bodies back here!" He looked around shifty.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay...so what's back here?"

"Ten dead bodies."

"SACRIFICE!"

"Nope, bait."

"Well isn't that the same thing?"

"Actually no, bait is-"

"WE'RE ABOUT TO BE EATEN BY ZOMBEHS...JUST THROW THEM THE FUCKING MEAT."

"They're not lions man...zombies are actually very sophisticated and intelligent beings."

"...WE NEED TO THROW THEM THE DEAD BODIES."

"The bait?"

"YES, THE BAIT."

"But I thought you said they were sacrifices!"

"WHATEVER THEY ARE, JUST GIVE THEM TO THE ZOMBIES."

"But they're not going to the zombies."

"THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE TEN DEAD BODIES IN THE BACK OF A PRIUS?"

"A Prius Hybrid."

I rubbed my temples. "Okay...where are the bodies going?"

"You mean these bodies?"

"OHMAGOD. YES. THESE BODIES. THESE BODIES THAT YOU CLAIMED WERE GOING TO THE ZOMBIES, AND THEN THEY WEREN'T AND THEY'RE IN THE BACK OF A PRIUS HYBRID."

"What? These aren't dead bodies, these are air fresheners. Who told you they were dead bodies."

"I'VE GONE INSANE."

"Have you?"

"AAAH." I slammed my head on the car. "Fuck my life..."

"You know, you don't need to hurt yourself."

"You know, you can go fuck yourself..."

"Oh, trust me man, I would if I could."

"Oh really? Well, why can't you?"

"I'm not a fucking Russian contortionist."

"Can we...just...save our asses?"

"You know, there is supposed to be a crack in the ass...I'm sure you didn't know that."

"oh...magod..." A random zombie grabbed onto my hands, and took my gloves. "Mother fucker..."

He proceeded to chew on them. My Hyper mode went away. "Wh...WHAT IS GOING ON!?"

"What are you going on about?"

"WHY ARE THERE ZOMBIES HERE!?"

"What zombies? You mean, these dead bodies?"

"WHAT!? DEAD BODIES?" I felt a sharp pain in the head. "OW! WHAT THE HELL!?"

"You slammed your head on the car...the dent is right here."

"What are dead bodies doing in here?"

"What dead bodies? I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You just said...that they were dead bodies."

The zombie was still chewing on the gloves. "No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, cuh...get off that."

"Yes, cuh."

"I'm going...to stole off on you...if you keep insisting...that these are dead bodies."

"So, what are they, air fresheners?"

"Precisely."

"What are you going to do with these air fresheners?"

"What air fresheners?"

"These ones," I said and pointed.

"These? They're not air fresheners. They're dead bodies. They're bait for the zombies."

I stared at him, as if to say, "YOU'RE A DUMBFUCK, AND I'M OUTTA HERE."

I grabbed onto a baby zombie, and threw it into the trunk of the car, and it proceeded to eat the bodies/air fresheners/bait/sacrifices. I started to walk off. "NO! MY COCONUTS!"

"Are you coming or what?" I was still walking away.

"Okay, fine...I'll miss you Geoffrey...you too Siegfried...and Rolf...and...Leslie..."

"I'm almost halfway there..."

"Where?"

"To nowhere...get your ass going, or we'll be eaten."

"Oh...well, anyway..." TC said as he caught up. "Here's your mittens back."

The zombie's head was still chewing on it. I kicked it off. "Fuck you, I want my mittens back."

"Hey look, a building!"

"Where?"

"That fucking skyscraper RIGHT THERE."

I looked to the ground. TC grabbed my head and pulled it up. "Right there, dumbass."

"But, that's a dead body."

I was hit in the head with the leg of a zombie. "Ow...zombie legs hurt..."

"Damn straight...it broke over your head...what's in there?"

"Funny you should ask that..."

"WAIT. WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS."

"Okay."

"Put your mittens back on, boy."

"Okay..." I pulled one on. "EW IT'S ALL WET." I pulled the other one on. "Nasty..." They changed back into gloves, and my power came back.

"Whoa...what did you do with those dead bodies?"

"What dead bodies?"

"Well, I see we've started to move, so I don't really give a damn anymore...I just want to get home."

"Who ever said we were moving?"

"Well...we're not at the car anymore."

"I'm not understanding your logic."

"Look, can we get the fuck out of here?"

"Fuck's not a nice word!"

"Neither is DIPSHIT ASSHOLE."

"I'M TELLING!"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO TELL? IT'S JUST YOU AND ME."

"There are always the zombies."

"Yes, go tell the zombies your problems and get eaten...enjoy yourself..."

"What zombies?"

I shook my head and started walking again. "I hate you."

"Do you?"

"Yes...with every fiber of my being."

"Since when in the hell did you have fibers?"

"Oh my fucking god..."

"You called?"

"NO."

"But you said-"

"I know what I said..."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck's not a nice word," I said in a mocking tone.

"I don't give a shit."

"Obviously...because we're not running away from the horde of zombies that wants to eat our flesh, and suck our brains out through our noses with a straw."

"Now, what's the point in that?"

"THIS IS ALL JUST SO GOD DAMN IRRELEVENT TO ME..."

"Heh-heh, you said irrelevant! HEY LOOK, THE SKYSCRAPER BUILDING."

"It's a fucking llama."

"Oh...what llama?"

I knelt on the ground, and smashed my face into it. "I'm just going to fucking die now...nice knowing you..." I smashed my face into it again, and the ground opened. "WHAT!?" I fell into a tunnel.

"TUNNEL! FUCK YES!" TC jumped in. I was sliding down on my face. "IT'S DARK IN HERE!"

"I THINK MY FACE IS MAKING SPARKS."

"Is it bleeding?"

"I can't tell...I'm still sliding on it."

"Yep...it's bleeding...you know, you should stop bleeding...it will call upon the horde! Stop...stop bleeding! Stop it! Stop fucking bleeding!"

"I can't do anything about it...my face is still sliding."

I ran into a wall. "Not anymore..."

"It's like...blacker than CT down here..."

"EHY! Dat's not very nice."

"Fuck you CT."

"EHY...I SAID THAT'S NOT VERY NICE."

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Just coming to say that that's not nice. Peace, niggas..."

"Flashlight!"

"What? OHMAGOD I CAN'T SEE."

"Here's a helmet!" TC slammed a helmet onto my head.

"Good god this thing is heavy..."

"It's Mjorin armor...or Spartan Armor."

"Oh...Halo now?"

"Yep."

"Okay..."

"You know how to use it?"

"Yeah..."

"Then let's go.."

"Okay...I might as well warn you though, that I think the writer is about to die...just letting you know."

"What writer?"

"Exactly."

"You're learning well..."

"I've learned from the best."

"Who?"

"Charlie Sheen."

"Damn straight."

"Look...can we just get going..."

"What do you mean."

"Fine, I'll just sit here."

"I wouldn't do that, you might not be able to get back up. OH HEY, by the way...we should get moving."

(And the writer says: This is going to be too fucking long to be one fucking chapter. Longer already than Chapter 4...and that was a long ass chapter...continuing, though...)

"Fine..."

"A LIGHT BULB! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE STRING? I FOUND IT! IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIGHTBULB." He pulled it. "ZOMBIES! I TOLD YOU. THE FUCKING BLOOD LED THEM HERE!"

"WELL DON'T JUST FUCKING STAND THERE AND YELL AT ME, RUN!"

"WHERE? WE'RE IN A FUCKING BOX!"

"THEN WE FIGHT!"

"GET DOWN!"

"WHAT!?"

"DUAL SMG's MOTHER FUCKERS!"

"AH!" I ducked to the ground. "WATCH WHERE YOU AIM THOSE THINGS!"

"WHAT THINGS?" TC asked as he was twirling midair shooting at the zombies.

"FIND US A GOD DAMN WAY OUT."

"WELL, I'M SORRY, I'M KIND OF PREOCCUPIED. I CAN'T JUST STOP AND DROP WHAT I'M DOING TO DO WHAT YOU SAY. GOD, YOU SOUND LIKE MY MOM."

"Fine! I'll find a way out..."

"Out of where?"

"OUT OF YOUR ASS..." I started to crawl along the floor. "Fuck this armor..."

"USE YOUR GLOVES, DUMBASS."

"Riiiiight..." The jets of the gloves stood me back up, and also created a new hole in the floor. "Fuck, were we on the roof?"

"What? That's highly improbable!"

"Take a look for yourself!"

A random business man looked up the hole. "What the hell are you guys doing on our roof?"

"DIE ZOMBIE!" He started to shoot at him.

"NO, TC, HE'S A SURVIVOR..."

"NOT ANYMORE."

"What do you mean?"

"Survivors can't be survivors if they're dead."

"Good point...so um...are we going to go inside the hole?"

"LET'S GO!" TC grabbed me from behind and we fell through.

"SHIIIIIIT!" we started falling through the floors.

"For fucks sake, how big is this mother fucking llama?"

"WELL...I DON'T THINK IT'S A LLAMA...I THINK ITS AN ALPACA!"

"Why do you say?"

"AT THE SUCCESSIVE RATE AT WHICH WE ARE FALLING-"

"I fucking hate Alpacas..."

"CROcODILES ARE COOL."

(And again...the writer is going to die of aneurisms...though I haven't felt the blood yet...I NEED BODY PARAGRAPHS, NOT DIALOGUE!)

We both hit the floor. TC landed on his feet, and I landed on my face. "TC...my face is bleeding again..."

"God damnit...you broke the armor...take...it...off."

"Get me up, then."

TC grabbed me and lifted me like a piece of paper. "NOW...take it off."

"How do I do that!? THERE ARE SHARDS OF GLASS IN MY FUCKING FACE."

"Where are we?"

"Fuck, I don't know..." I looked around.

"Well, why don't you know?"

"Because I fell on my face, and there are shards of glass in it at this moment, and it's bleeding profusely...and there were dead bodies in the back of your car, and they weren't bodies, but fresheners of the air, and then they were again...and then they weren't...and then the zombie took my gloves...and then the cops tried to eat us, and the priest DIDN'T DIE...and the baby wouldn't die either, and you shot it...and then you blew up the town...and a couple hundred more babies...and then zombies...and back to the car and bodies, that AREN'T bodies, but sacrifice/bait/bodies/fresheners of the air!"

"It's a Prius Hybrid."

"AND THEN THE HYBRID OF THE PRIUS AND THE FRESHENERS OF THE AIR, AND THE ZOMBIES OF THE TOWN THAT YOU BLEW UP...AND THE FUCKING LADY AND THE BABY! AND THE BODIES. AND THE FLOOR...AND THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR...AND THEN THE ROOF...AND THE BUSINESS DUDE, AND HE WAS ALL LIKE "what the hell are you doing to our roof, mate?" AND I WAS ALL LIKE...FUCKING SHIT WE'RE IN AN ALPACA, AND YOU SAID YOU FUCKING HATE ALPACAS, AND I SAID...WELL, CROCODILES ARE COOL...I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK I SAID CROCODILES ARE COOL...I DON'T KNOW...I THINK MY FUCKING MIND IS DEAD BECAUSE THERE IS GLASS IN MY FACE AND IT'S BLEEDING!"

"Dude, you're like harshing my mellow..."

"FUCK YOUR MELLOW...I JUST WANT TO GO HOME BECAUSE I CAN FEEL THE GLASS SEEPING INTO MY FACE EVEN MORE THAN THEY ARE RIGHT NOW, AND THE BLOOD...I FEEL FUCKING DIZZY! I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE OF BLOODLOSS BECAUSE I WANTED TO FUCKING LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE LEGALLY! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I HAVE TO MEET UP WITH ZOMBIES, AND SEE DEAD BODIES IN THE TRUNK, THAT WEREN'T BODIES...AND THEN THE BABY, AND THE EXPLOSIONS...AND THE FUCKING WHEE-OO OF THE COPS! AND THE CLOWN, YOU REMEMBER THE CLOWN!? AND IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS, I WOULD FUCKING KILL YOU, UP THE ASS, AND OUT THE FUCKING BRAIN! SWEET HOME FUCKING ALABAMA...WHERE THE SKIES ARE FULL OF ZOMBIES AND WE'RE ALL FUCKED ANYWAY SO WHY NOT GO THERE!? WE'RE FUCKED, I AM FUCKED, YOU'RE FUCKED...FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK! MY FAAAAACE...AND MY HEAD...AND THE BLOODY SPARTAN ARMOR THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF AND THE FUCKING GLASS THAT IS STILL IN MY FUCKING FACE, AND EMBEDDING ITSELF THERE FOREVER MORE BECAUSE I'M SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH, AND IT WONT HELP, BUT I'M DOING IT ANYWAY BECAUSE WE'RE ALL FUCKED HERE IN PURGATORY...AND CT WAS HERE. OH FUCKING GREAT. NOW I'M GOING TO REALLY FUCKING DIE BECAUSE I KILLED HIM, AND HE WANTS TO FUCKING KILL ME UP THE ASS AND OUT THE BRAIN. GOT ANY FUCKING MILK? I NEED SOMOE FUCKING MILK SO I CAN DIE FASTER. AND OREOS? FUCK THEM TOO. WHAT WOULD YOU FUCKING DO FOR A FUCKING KLONDIKE BAR!? WOULD YOU PUT TEN DEAD, NOT DEAD, NOT BODIES, NOT A FUCKING REGULAR PRIUS, BUT A HYBRID PRIUS."

"Thank you."

"BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO SAVE THE FUCKING PLANET, WHEN IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER! WE'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE BECAUSE THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE, BECAUSE THERE ARE STILL SHARDS IN MY FACE, AND ZOMBIES AT THE DOOR, AND BODIES, NOT BODIES, NOT A REGULAR PRIUS, AND NOT ANY REAL LLAMAS HERE..."

"Do you need a hug?"

"FUCK YOU, AND YOUR FUCKING HUGS...I NEED TO GET LAID. JUST SAYING. BEFORE I FUCKING DIE OF THESE SHARDS IN MY FACE, I NEED TO GET LAID...AND NOT JUST LAID...I MEAN, CASUAL HARDCORE FUCKING TABOO SEX...AN ORGY MAYBE!"

"Whoa man..."

"FUCK YOUR MELLOW...I WANT A FUCKING MUSHROOM...I DON'T KNOW WHY I JUST SAID THAT, BUT I NEED ONE. AND THE STUPID POKEMON SONG WONT LEAVE MY FUCKING HEAD! BUM BUM BUM BUM DADALADADADLADADADALDALD FUCK FUCK FUCK."

"Tsunayo-"

"FUUUUUUUUUCK."

"..."

"FUCK. I need a popsicle." (SORRY, THE WRITER CANT FUCKING SPELL!) "AND THIS FUCKING CO WRITER NEXT TO THE WRITER IS DRIVING ME UP A FUCKING WALL...HE'S TC, YOU KNOW...HE'S IN TWO PLACES AT FUCKING ONCE RIGHT NOW...AT THIS MOMENT...AND HE'S WHISPERING THIS SHIT...BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO YELL IN OUR HOUSE BECAUSE OUR FUCKING MOM WILL GET ANGRY AT US...FUCKING TOASTER OVENS...other than that, how are you?"

"Are you quite finished."

"No...one more...FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK K! Okay, I'm done."