Fate-Season's Road
"Autumn-Winter Project – 2008-2009"
"Because it will probably take that long or more…"
Author - Jyoohan
Editor - Yuurei-san
Original Creators
Type-Moon
~*~*~
Einzbern Wedding Panic -RE-Act-!
Act 1 - "The Stage has been Set!"
High above the clouds, an elongated piece of metal defied the laws of nature by imitating a bird, humming without a care just like the inhabitants inside this 350 ton piece of shrapnel. The moon was especially beautiful tonight. The plane was above the clouds, and the world here seemed surreal.
But that's only if someone was peeking out the window. Currently the—ahem—main character was sound asleep, giggling and muttering something akin to, "Onii-chan~" in a very creepy manner. The cute silver haired devil's child known as Illyasviel von Einzbern suddenly woke, finding a certain source of warmth missing.
Rubbing her sleepy eyes, she waved her arms about, searching for naught. "Onii-chan?" She called out weakly but heard no reply. A sudden rush of adrenaline knocked all the sleepiness out of her body, seeing another certain seat empty where a certain blonde once occupied.
'Where, where, where did they go?!' Ilya's mind raced as she stood up on her seat and scanned the airplane's cabin.
"Oh, are you wondering about the two sitting next to you?" A strange yet familiar looking old man said. He looked awfully conspicuous and had an air of high importance.
"Yes-yes, do you know where they went?" Ilya nearly hissed instead of whispering.
"I believe they were headed towards the lavatory. They seemed mighty impatient from the looks of it."
'Impatient?!' Ilya's jaw dropped.
"My-my, kids these days are so shameless, can't even hold it back until they're on the ground."
'Hold it back?!' Ilya's mental image began to flood with explicit thoughts.
"Really, I do hope they don't leave a big mess when they're done."
'M-m-m-mess?!?!' That was the final stroke, something like glass cracked within Ilya's mind. "You ca-a-a-an't!!!" She suddenly shouted at the top of her lungs, running wildly towards the lavatory.
"Onii-chan, I know you're in there!" Ilya began pounding on the door with both fists. "To be doing such filthy things in such a place, don't you have any shame onii-chan?! And more importantly, how can you do such a thing when you have me?!" Ilya wasn't even aware of the embarrassing things she was spouting in her bewildered mental state.
"Come out of there this instant onii-chan, I—… I…" Ilya froze when Shirou suddenly appeared next to her.
"I-Ilya, what are you shouting about?" Shirou nervously asked, as they are in the center of this flight's attention.
"Eh, onii-chan, if you're here then who's?"
On cue, there was a sudden loud slap noise behind the door before a female individual emerged and cried, "Pig!" then returned to her seat. And inside, a male was crying, wondering what the hell was going on.
"Wait… onii-chan is here but… I thought…" Ilya's eyes began to swirl in confusion.
"Shirou… may we please go back to our seats?" Saber groaned with a pale face.
"Sorry Saber. Come on Ilya; let's go back to our seat." Shirou carefully helped Saber back into her place. She looked horrible, making Ilya wonder what happened.
"You see, the food we ate earlier really didn't agree with Saber's stomach, so we had a bit of an emergency. I don't want to say anymore since it's very impolite to a girl if I mention that sort of thing." Shirou scratched his head while his free hand rubbed Saber's belly.
"Shirou… just like that, it feels good." Saber groaned.
"There-there, I'll be sure to fix something up once we land." A smile immediately appeared on Saber's face once hearing that from Shirou.
"Thank you Shirou, you're so good to me."
And once again, this sickening sugar sweet display of affection returns Ilya's disgust. Ever since 'that incident' she's had to endure this kind of humiliation day after day. Even though the whole wedding ceremony was botch, Saber took it to heart and has acted like a happy wife you see in one of those eroge games. However…
"Thank you Shirou, I would much rather eat the food you make." Saber groaned (What Saber really said, the above was Ilya's imagination.)
"I don't think I can make anything for you, but I'm sure we can eat something better than what they have here." Shirou laughed. "But I still can't believe it Saber. It was your first time doing a lottery yet you won the grand prize."
"Hm… is it that amazing? I was trying to get something else though…" Saber looked gloomy as a distant memory replayed itself magically. *Special effect noise that would remind the readers of a time rewind~*
-Two days ago, Fuyuki City-
As a flurry of flakes fluttered down from the darkened skies up high, the landscape known as Fuyuki City was covered in a blanket of snow white. It was in the middle of the afternoon, just moments before lunch, yet the city had that winter-esque gloom from the early mornings. But that had no power over the boundless rainbow love rays shooting out from the Emiya residence… figuratively speaking of course.
A pot of beef and potato stew was bubbling steam in the kitchen. A fair skinned hand swirled the contents of the stew with a ladle before taking a quick taste. After a large gulp, the person squealed with delight.
"Shirou, it's good! It came out good!" Saber exclaimed in heartfelt joy. After countless trial and error and lots and lots of patience from Shirou, she has accomplished making an average Japanese staple that can be enjoyed by the average Japanese family.
"Oh, let's see, let's see." Shirou took the ladle and sampled their creation. "Hm, saltiness is good, and the broth is just right, too. Mm, congratulations Saber."
Dreams do come true. Even a thorough bred knight such herself can trade her sword and armor for a pan and apron. This long path was full of slit fingers and littered with bandages, but this feeling Saber felt was worth more than that thorny road. Her efforts were mocked and laughed at, saying it was impossible, but today is the day where her wifely devotion takes fruition!
"The rice is about to boil over Emiya-kun." Rin broke Saber's reverie as another pot was boiling over with scalding foam.
"Wait Saber! Don't use your bare hands!" The kitchen again erupts into chaos. Saber's joy being short lived. With her hands running under cold water, Saber tried not to remember how she broke the rice cooker… again.
"E—eh, Shirou, we're not going to have salad today?" Fujimura-sensei exclaimed.
"What do you mean, we just bought some... huh… what the?" Shirou rustled around through the groceries but couldn't find the salad ingredients. "Did… I forget?" He stared out the kitchen window, hesitant to brave the bitter winter outside.
"Don't worry, I'll accompany you as well Shirou. It was my fault for not supporting you." Saber said with a goddess smile (in Shirou's eyes). She was slowly progressing on the path to happy waifu—er, I mean—wifehood.
"I'm coming, too!" Ilya butted in like a wedge between the couple's budding happiness, but this was all intended beforehand.
Ilya already knew that Saber was practically attached to Shirou by the hip, so a carefully formulated plan of action was devised to split the couple long enough for him to be spirited away, again. Though it was another one of her grandfather's ridiculous ideas, but it sounded crazy enough to work this time… maybe.
Having to side glance with a twitch in her eye, Ilya couldn't wait until they got to the shopping district to commence the plan beginning with: Stage one, relax her guard.
"Hello-hello customers, we have very-very good free samples!" A tall foreigner spoke in horribly accented Japanese. It was bizarre since there was only this tall man standing outside the empty street and even more so…
"Strange, have we met before?" Shirou stared intently. He could have sworn that voice sounded very familiar somewhere, about 14,000 feet in the air somewhere; however…
"Shirou, does he mean free food?" Saber was got at free samples.
"Why of course Saber. Some shops let their patrons try their food for Free to advertise and leave a good impression for future patronage. So you can take as much Free food as you want. It's meant to be given Freely after all." Ilya explained quite eloquently.
"I see. What an ingenious way of marketing. It would be disrespectful if I were to refuse such an offer. So I'll…" Saber reached with both hands…
"No, Saber." Shirou slapped her hands lightly, "You'll spoil your appetite. We'll be eating lunch in no time so let's hurry."
"B-but Shirou… it's Free." Saber's eye grew big and ready to burst into tears, striking a nerve in Shirou's heart. It's only a sample so it's not going to be filling, or that's how Shirou train of thought suddenly derailed.
"Okay, I get it, but only one piece and we're sharing." Shirou gave in to Saber's new ability to beg, but the sharing part wasn't planned.
Ilya began to sweat, knowing what lied inside the Free samples. There's enough tranquilizing and paralyzing agent that could probably knock out an elephant for a week. Sure they didn't know if this would even affect a Servant, but this was also a good test for future reference. Wait, that's not the point, if Shirou were to eat that Free sample… surviving a coma or cardiac arrest would be the least of their problems.
"So which one should I—huh, what are you doing?!" Saber screamed as the tray of goodies was suddenly hidden away.
"I-I'm very sorry, but the sampling period has just ended. I apologize again for the inconvenience, so I'll just—argh?!" Saber jumped on the man and began to climb, reaching for the free samples with fire in her eyes.
"Onii-chan, stop her!!" For more reasons than one, Ilya thought.
"Stop Saber, you need to calm down!" Shirou could barely hold Saber back by her arms.
"Come back with my samples, you lying bastard!" Saber screamed and kicked snow at her escaping foe.
Stage one simply failed, and after satiating Saber's rage with a piece of candy, the trio entered the supermarket, where the next plan was already set into motion. The target, a.k.a. Shirou, will be detained at all cost. So, this next plan has been specifically designed to target the 'weaknesses'.
"Hey, onii-chan, since we're here, why don't we buy some fruits?" Ilya began the operation.
"Fruits, huh? What do you have in mind Ilya?" Shirou asked and Ilya pointed at round green balls. "Oh-ho, honeydew melon doesn't sound that bad." Shirou began to tap each one, checking for freshness. Ilya quietly slipped away as Shirou kept tapping until he found one he liked.
"This one seems good, don't you think Ilya…?" Shirou was cut off as another set of melons were ripe in front of him. Retracting his vision, a temptress with an impossibly voluptuous figure took Shirou's hands holding the melon.
That's right, this is his weakness. While Saber may have all the inner beauties of a woman, there are still things man will want and lust after! That plump bosom and rule breaking hips can sway any man, but that's just how Acht thought it works.
"Hm, what is it assistant from the Tohno house? … Funny how do you pronounce your name again? Was it Len or Ren or maybe LRen?" Acht crouched back down behind a row of vegetables to a small blue haired child.
The child held a notepad, scribbled something with a marker, and revealed, 'But what if he's not into those types of things?'
"Huh? What do you mean?"
After a couple more scribbles with a written answer, 'Each man has his own fetish, would he specifically fall for this trick?' A pan fell atop Acht's head as a metaphorical realization of his mistake.
"Rider, what… are you doing?" Shirou was more than a little bemused.
"W-w-who are you talking about?" Rider stuttered, her lavender hair being a dead give away. "I wasn't bribed in any form or fashion." Who was also now the proud new owner of a high-end sports car.
"Rider," A low voice from Saber growled, "What are you doing to my Shirou?" She was eyeing where they were holding hands. A head of cabbage in Saber's hand was easily crushed single handedly. The space literally turned black as anger more akin to jealousy rose inside her… a very new feeling that Saber 'do not like'.
"I guess I should have seen this coming if I thought about it longer, but oh well." Acht sighed while the Tohno assistant, Len or Ren, next to him held her notebook scribbled with a ". . ." above her head.
"Maybe if you go out, you could do something about it. You're a succubus aren't you little one?" Acht suggested, but the assistant from the Tohno house waved her notepad with a scrawled, "NO WAY! I QUIT!" while frantically shaking her head.
"Excuse me, but you're disturbing the other customers so I must ask you to leave." A store clerk nervously announced himself to Acht. A little semi-circle of gossipy housewives were formed behind them.
"Stupid! This isn't working, why did I even think this might have a remote chance to succeed?" Ilya climbed up on Acht's back and began to bite his head.
"Well the situation isn't that simple is it not? We have to somehow separate those two from each other but the chances of that right now are completely non-existent here. Maybe if we can change the setting… a different location…" Acht drawled in contemplation.
"Shirou, I've been wondering for some time but what's that?" Saber tugged at Shirou's sleeve then pointing to a booth with a short line.
"Looks like the market is holding another lottery again, do you want to try Saber?"
"Lottery, it's the first I've ever heard of it."
"It's where you spin this little cage full of balls. And if you get a winning number, you get to take home a prize."
"Oh, so it's almost like gambling. What kinds of prizes are there, Shirou?"
"Well there's some over there on display." Shirou pointed at various things on a raised platform, but Saber's eye zoomed in like telescopic vision into a particular home appliance. A golden halo was surrounding a brand new rice cooker.
"What do you mean a new location?" Ilya groaned, all tucked out of energy. Her grandfather's head was very tough for the jaw muscles.
"I'm just saying, maybe a new change of pace might break this slump." Acht grumbled while rocking his granddaughter back and forth on his back.
"But even if we could change the place, where would we go?" Ilya mumbled before a loud pop drew her and Acht's attention to the lottery booth. Party horns were being blown, and confetti flying in the air, covering both Saber and Shirou.
"Congratulations, you won!" The attendant by the lottery booth rattled a bell excitedly.
"So did I win the rice cooker?!" Saber smiled happily.
"You won the grand prize family trip to Las Vegas in the United States!"
Saber fell to her knees with a dark gloom hanging over her.
"Um… miss?" The once excited attendants looked troubled.
And so that's how the Ilya and company were in their current predicament, flying above the pacific ocean headed towards the City of Sin, Las Vegas… but there were a couple of bumps on the way.
-Airport Security Checkpoint-
"Shirou, is there a reason for all this unnecessary caution?" Saber groaned while waiting in line to go past something called a 'metal detector'.
"Of course Saber-chan, there are evil terrorists all over the world who target innocent civilians to propagate their evilness across the planet!" Fujimura Taiga screamed whilst holding her hands out like 'oh my god!'
"Ignore her Saber, Japan isn't in mortal danger like Fuji-nee thinks, but it seems to be a big thing for the west. Let's just enjoy ourselves to our heart's content." Shirou smiled.
"Yes, and even if these so called terrorists appears, I'll beat them up!" Saber balled her fist.
"But onii-chan will protect me, right?" Ilya clung onto Shirou's arm, giving a shrewd look to a bewildered Saber.
"Next!" The security officer called out.
Saber walked through the doorframe without no problem, so did Ilya, and Taiga except—
"Stop!" The guard caught Shirou by the shoulder as the metal detector bleeped in disapproval. The same routine check played out: Empty your pockets, take off your shoes and belt, raise your arms as the guard waved his magic wand around Shirou's body. "Okay, try again."
The machine blared again, much to Shirou's chagrin.
"What in the… that's strange." The said guard now patted Shirou down; searching for whatever foreign material is setting the detector off. "Maybe it's your clothes?"
"Hold on, you want me to take off my clothes?!" Shirou cried.
"It has to be something, and I can't let you pass until we figure out what's making the machine not like you." The guard said obstinately.
"Onii-chan, hurry up and strip before we miss our plane." Ilya said with a blushing face and a nodding Saber as well.
"Don't worry, nee-chan doesn't mind." Taiga supported as well.
"Like hell I would, stupid!" Ilya and Saber were refused.
"This is weird, what could be the pro—" The guard stopped when he waved the wand over Shirou's face. He tried the body, then waved it above the face again and got a positive reaction.
"Hey, kid, did you ever have… ya'know, like an accident somewhere… around here?" The guard tried to hint without being rude.
"Um… I don't have a sheet of metal in my head."
"Tooth fillings maybe? Though the mercury might kill you through the years."
"I don't have such things either, please don't assume so much." Shirou looked tired.
"Really, what a nuisance." A deep voice growled in annoyance, a voice Shirou all too recognized and wondered why that guy was here of all the places.
"Archer?!" Shirou turned to see that cynical Servant but unusually dressed in dark casual clothes. "What are you, a tourist?"
"What'd you say brat?!" Sparks flew between the two Emiya's glare.
"Enough Archer, just tell him what he's doing wrong so we can move on with it." Tohsaka Rin ordered her henpecked Servant.
With a click of his tongue, Archer whispered something to Emiya Shirou despite his reluctance. After a brief nod and a, "Oh…" from Shirou, he walked through machine again but without the annoying bleep noise.
"Shirou, what was the problem?" Saber wondered how it was fixed so easily.
"Ah, well, you see…" Shirou scratched his head, not wanting to say it.
"The amateur doesn't know how to keep his Reality Marble in check." Archer huffed with a sarcastic smile. If it weren't for Rin's order, he would have left him there where he might have gone through some interesting airport security measures, such as a 'cavity check'.
"How would Shirou's Reality Marble set off the dectector?" Saber still argued.
"Swords, Metal?" Archer tapped the side of his head with that mocking grin.
"It's the first time this ever happened. How would I know this kind of stuff might pick it up?" Shirou tried to save face, for Saber's sake as well.
"You can't underestimate technology. Remember, Kiritsugu used technology to defeat the magi in the 4th Grail War. It was the undoing for the magi by underestimating the times they live in." Archer schooled his incapable past self.
"Tch… whipped." Both Shirou and Saber clicked their tongues.
"You want to start something?!"
"Archer, I thought I said that's enough." Rin threw his duffel bag at him, stopping a probably cause of an escalating battlefield within the airport terminal. "Besides, they're just being sore losers."
Though it was only a truth not to be taken positively or negatively, it annoyed the hell out of the amateurish magus and his headstrong Servant.
"Quiet Rin, don't talk like you know how we think!" Saber was back on the offense.
"Oh-ho, should I challenge that?" There was a smirk of delight on Rin's face.
"By the way Rin, what are you doing here?" Ilya ambushed her.
"Oh, Ilya-chan is right." Fujimura-sensei butted in as well, "I don't remember Tohsaka-san being invited, unless you found your own means and are traveling with us?"
"Y-yes, you're exactly right Fujimura-sensei." Rin laughed nervously.
"You're broke aren't you?" Ilya's words were like hot arrows in Rin's chest.
"I guess there's no point in hiding it from Ilya, Rin." Archer sighed, having a feeling someone would find out his Master's true intentions.
"S-so what?! This is a good opportunity to make some money without having to do any decent work and have fun while we're at it. This is not a chance I can let slip by. I need to replenish my supply of gems, but there just isn't enough money to spare… Urgh… it's always money, money, money…!" Rin hissed in frustration at her family's ever present curse.
"Reduced to gambling Rin? Tsk-tsk, if you've run into hard times, I would have gladly been there to help." Ilya smirked cockily.
"Like I would ever let myself be indebted to a twisted bro-con like you." Rin whispered.
"Sh-shut up, you poor pauper! Not like you can talk when you have him at your every beck and call!"
"I don't mean to interrupt Tohsaka-san, or Ilya-chan, but who's that person? Are you traveling together?" Taiga asked like a concerned teacher, staring at Archer warily.
"Huh? Well, h-he is, um…" Rin stuttered, caught off guard. Taiga has never met Archer before.
"He's been living alone with Rin." Saber interjected to Rin's horror.
"For at least the past few months, too." And Ilya too added fuel to the fire.
"L-living alone together you say…? For at least a few months you say...? Such unhealthy…" Fujimura-sensei's head tilted side to side before her eyes turned bright red.
"W-wait a second, Fujimura-sensei, I have a p-perfectly good explanation for this, right Archer? Ah…" Rin hoped to find some support from her back-up, but he was breaking out in a cold sweat as well. It seems Archer is about to be reacquainted with an old family of his.
-Back to the Present, outside of a very fancy hotel-
"So why didn't you tell me it was like that?" Taiga slapped Archer on the back three times. "My-my, I didn't know such thing like family arrangements still went on in our day and age. I guess old things like that doesn't die so easily, ha-ha. But to be clear and final, let's hear it one last time."
After a long sigh from both Master and Servant, Rin started out, "It started about ten years ago. My father met with Kiritsugu, who was an acquaintance at that time, and introduced him, Archer. He's part of the Emiya family but I don't know how he and Shirou might be related. Anyways, our parents agreed that we would be engaged around that time."
"It's been almost a decade since then, and it was by chance that I met Rin—I mean—Tohsaka-san a couple months ago again in Fuyuki. I have been doing a lot of traveling through the years. Things happened, we kept running into each other, and I was invited to stay over one night and it sort of just stuck." Archer finished. Rin was blushing ear to ear from embarrassment, while Archer prayed that Taiga would take the bait.
"And nothing illicit has ever occurred, ri~ight, Archer-kun?" Taiga leaned over Archer's head like a guillotine ready to drop.
"O-of course, absolutely nothing, ma'am." Archer grinned timidly.
"Good, now let's get this show on the road!" Taiga shouted and led the way into the hotel lobby.
"I swear. You two will pay for this." Archer scowled with a throbbing vein on his forehead, as Saber and Shirou happily walked right in behind Taiga.
"My-my, isn't that nice, Rin? We got you a fiancé, over night~" Ilya giggled.
"I'll definitely kill you one day you little monster." Rin was glowering, but it only lasted for a moment, "But what are you planning Ilya? Another plan to whisk away your precious 'onii-chan'?"
"P-plan, what do you mean, Rin? Aren't we all here to have fun?" Ilya laughed like it was a joke.
"Is that so… and I'm sure your grandfather disguised as our bus driver has nothing to do with this?"
"What?!" Ilya turned to the bus but realized too late.
"Oh-ho, so there is something going on here." Now it was Rin's turn to giggle.
"R-really Rin, there's no plotting or conspiring. We're all just—" Ilya froze when she saw her grandfather disguised as the bag-boy, rolled along behind Rin, unloaded the luggage out the bus, and carted it back into the hotel so naturally that it was unnatural.
Rin and Archer turned around just when Acht had already disappeared; making them wonder what was going on with Ilya.
"A-a-anyways, let's go check into our rooms first!" And as they entered the richly decorated hotel, a loud burst of laughter echoed within the antechamber.
"Welcome to the Bellagio and especially to you my Saber!" A golden haired man laughed from under the Chihuly glass ceiling.
"Gilgamesh, what are you doing?!" Saber said with dreaded horror.
"If you must know, as soon as I found out you were heading to such a faraway place where you would be without me, I immediately found out where you were to be taking your quarters and purchased this estate just yesterday." The King of Heroes smirked victoriously.
"Shirou, we're finding another place." Saber dragged her master away by the collar.
"W-wait Saber, I already have a grand buffet and dining halls set up for your arrival!" Gilgamesh snapped his fingers, and a line of chefs rolled out with their most prized creations. The daunted Saber hesitated as the smell caught her by the nose.
"That's right Saber, let's not be too hasty and think things over carefully." Gilgamesh had a paper fan, blowing the aroma of the world's greatest delicacies towards her.
"It's okay Saber," Shirou smoothed out his shirt collar, "The lottery you won also included the hotel we would be accommodated in so we don't have much of a choice on where to stay with Fuji-nee and everyone."
"But Shirou…" Saber fidgeted in hesitation.
"Don't worry about Gilgamesh. We're here to have fun so let's just concentrate on having fun." Shirou said optimistically.
"But Shirou… is it alright if I can eat?" There was a bit of saliva trickling out from the corner of Saber's mouth.
"Wait… that's what you were worried about?"
"Ha-ha-ha! Of course Saber, you can eat to your heart's content! Only the finest for the King of Knights I shall serve!" Gilgamesh again snapped his finger, and an army of waiters led the party to the dining hall.
"Rin, if we play along, we might acquire free lodging." Archer whispered to his master.
"Nice thinking, and if we also add the money we could have spent on lodgings, we can add about this much more onto the betting table and…" Rin was already recalculating her math. Archer sighed as he guided his master, who got nothing but mind on the money, towards the dining hall. What tomorrow may bring, Archer didn't want to think about it…
-See you next month… maybe!- Extra note for FF(dot)net people: I had this ready for a while, but completely forgot about this place! Maybe if I get some more reviews, I'd remember more often... *wink-wink*