Destiny
Chapter 2: I Just Want You to Know
"Maybe you should call Sam back. He keeps calling, and I can't keep taking your calls for you. He's worried about you, he just wants to see how you're doing. He knows what you're going through. You can't avoid him forever!" Jazz told me. I knew she was right, poor Sammy was going through this alone, like me. She took my cellphone out of her pocket, and offered it to me. I took it sighing, and, dialed Sam's number. He answered on the first ring.
"Hello?" Sam asked. I hesitated, not sure how I'd feel after this. I closed my eyes, and Jazz walked out of my room, closing the door behind her.
"Hey, Sammy, it's me," I responded. He took a deep breath.
"Hey, how are you?" he asked.
"I'm okay, how are you?" I answered. He sighed.
"I've been better, you know, just taking it an hour at a time. Right now, that's all I can manage," he said, the sadness heavy in his voice.
"I'm so sorry, Sammy. I wish I was there so we could go through this together, you know?" I asked. He cleared his throat.
"I'm actually on my way to Dean's grave right now. If you want, I can come get you, and we could go together," he said.
"You buried Dean?" I asked him, surprised.
"Yea. Right outside the city limits of Pontiac, Illinois," he replied. I thought about it for a moment.
"Yea, I'll go with you, Sammy. How long til you get here?" I asked, moving to my dresser and pulling clothes out.
"I can be there in ten minutes," he said.
"Okay, I'll be ready when you get here," I responded.
"Alright. See you in a few," he responded. He hung up, and I started to get ready. Sam arrived in ten minutes, like he'd promised. As I walked out the door, he stepped out of the car. Out of the Impala. Dean's Impala. I stopped dead in my tracks, and stared wide-eyed at it like it was a ghost. Sam approached me on the sidewalk.
"Hey...are you okay?" he asked, seeing my expression. I looked up at him.
"Yea, I'm good. It's good to see you, Sammy," I said, touching his arm. He nodded, an uneasy look on his face.
"Yea, you too," he said. "Ready to go?" he asked.
"Yea, let's go," I replied. I turned around and waved at my friends, then climbed into the passenger seat of the car. I looked around the interior, memories flooding my head. We'd practically lived in this car; we had good times in here, and it ripped my heart when I knew those times would be hard to replace with new ones.
"So, what made you call me all of a sudden?" Sam asked.
"Well, my friend told me you'd called again, I decided that I should call you back," I said, pushing my hair back behind my ears. He nodded.
"How have you been?" he asked. I sighed, looking out the window.
"I've been better. There are days when I don't think I'll survive the sadness, and there are days when I wait for the pain to hit me like a tidal wave," I answered, looking out the windshield. Then I looked at him, and he looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Sam, I don't want to make you uncomfortable," I said. He looked at me, then back at the road.
"No, I was just thinking that I know how you feel, really," he said. His hand was laying in the seat between us, and I took it into mine.
"We're here," he said, turning into an open field, where I could see only a cross in the middle of it. I assumed it was Dean's grave marker. I looked at Sam as he hesitated to get out of the car.
"Sam, you okay?" I asked, already knowing the answer. He shook his head, looking at the cross.
"I thought I could do it, especially if I had you here with me, but I can't," he said,his voice breaking. He looked at me, tears escaping from the corners of his eyes. I leaned in, and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder.
"We'll do it together, Sammy, okay?" I asked him. We got out of the car, and walked over to the cross. The air was heavy with the scent of death. I could feel Dean's presence everywhere here, and it only made it harder. I fell onto my knees, and carefully crawled closer to the marker, the mud wet under my hands and knees. I could feel the sadness clawing its way to the surface. Feeling Sam's eyes on me, I touched the cross softly, tracing "DEAN WINCHESTER" in the wood. Even after all this time, I still couldn't believe it was true. Dean was gone, and he was never coming back. My hands balled into fists, as a flash of anger ran through my body. I hit the ground over and over again. Then the tears finally came, but I continued hitting the ground, ignoring the pain in my hand.
"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE SAM! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US HERE?" I growled, pounding my fist into the ground. I finally grew tired, and just hung my head over where my soul mate laid. For that short period of time, I had forgotten Sam was behind me. I stood up, and almost fell again, but his strong arms caught me. I looked into his pain-filled eyes, and threw my arms around his waist, my head on his shoulder. I turned my head to where I could see the cross. Through the blur of my tears, I could almost see Dean standing there, looking back at me and Sam. I sat back down at the cross, and told Dean I was sorry for hitting him, even though he had partly deserved it. Sam quietly chuckled behind me. Then I grew serious again.
"I love you, Dean. Always and forever," I said. I leaned forward and kissed the cross gently.
"I love you," I repeated, standing up. Walking towards Sam, I jammed my hands into my pockets.
"He would've appreciated that...the last part anyway," he said, smiling. I chuckled at his light attempt at humor.
"I'll uh, I'll give you a minute. I'll be in the car," I said. He fished the keys out of his pocket and handed them to me.
"Thank you," he said. I nodded, and started walking. I finally climbed into the passenger seat, and I put the keys into the ignition, recognizing the soft purr of the engine as the car started. I realized I would probably never hear it again. Sam came back not too long after I left him; I had only been sitting there for five minutes. He climbed in, and I could see that a few more tears had escaped in my absence. His eyes were red, and his face puffy. He closed the door, and looked out the window again, his elbow propped on the door's armrest.
"Sam?" I asked, not sure of what else to say.
"How could he do it? How could he make that deal for me?" he asked, guilt-ridden. I laid my hand and his shoulder, and he held it in his. He looked at me, and I felt horrible for Dean's little brother.
"I hate to say it, Sam, but I gotta get back. I gotta work tonight, and my boss already hates me," I told him.
He looked at me, confused. I raised my hand, stopping him. "Don't ask, it's a long story," I said, rolling my eyes. He laughed.
"Okay, I'll take you home. I gotta get back to Bobby's anyway. He's gathering research on Lilith, and I'm gonna get her," he said, with an evil smirk, not looking at me. A chill ran down my spine when he said that.
When we pulled up in front of Sarah's house, I looked at Sam. He was looking at the house, then at me.
I sighed, and got out of the car. Sam got out of the car, and walked around the front.
"Do you have to go back now? My friends aren't home, so it's just me," I said, not wanting to put pressure on him. He looked at me, and I couldn't tear my gaze away from him.
"No, I'm not in a hurry," he said. I smiled, and he followed me to the door. He sat on the couch, and I brought him some tea. I sat down, holding my own tea.
"So thank you for coming with me today. That couldn't have been easy for you. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure you were gonna come," he said, drinking his tea.
"Oh, it's no problem. I'm actually glad I went. I've been meaning to get all that off my chest. Although," I said, leaning my head to the side. He looked at me.
"I don't know where the anger came from, because I hadn't been feeling it before, and it just came out of nowhere," I said.
"Well, sometimes, that can happen when we're grieving. Maybe you were feeling it, and you just didn't know you were feeling it, you know?" he pointed out. I nodded, thinking that might be it. I sipped my tea again, thinking about it.
"It was actually the opposite for me," Sam said, "I felt more sadness than anger. And the anger I did feel was aimed more at myself than at Dean," he said, guilt leaking into his voice. I touched his arm, and looked him in the eye.
"Sam, this wasn't your fault. We're hunting the demon that's at fault,"I said, sitting up off the cushions. He looked at me, confused. "I've decided that I'm gonna help you with Lilith-" he shook his head, obviously not liking my idea.
"No, it's okay. In fact, I thought this would happen. Look Kac," I flinched at Dean's nickname," I don't want you in this fight. I couldn't stand it if I lost you too, okay? Listen to me. Stay here, get out while you can; get out from under this life. You've lost enough already. I know how much Dean loved you, Kac. He would want you to be happy, believe me. He knows how much you love him," he said, and, for a second, I thought I was talking to Dean again.
"He doesn't want you to join him by fighting Lilith," he said, and then Sam looked down, "and neither do I," he finished. I looked at him, surprised by his small confession. I took his hand, and lifted his face with my other hand. I brushed his hair out of his face. His eyes were sad, and I could see a hint of guilt,too. I sighed, still looking at him.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there, Sammy," I said. He shook his head again.
"There was nothing you could've done. And it would've killed you to see-" he stopped and looked away. I flinched, knowing what he was going to say.
"You got me there," I said, chuckling. He chuckled too. "No, you're right, I wouldn't have wanted to see that," I said, glad I hadn't been there for that. Sam looked at me concerned.
"Hey, you okay? You look kinda sad," he asked, softly. I shrugged.
"I'm just thinking about what we'd be doing if Dean were here. It's very quiet without him," I said. Sam looked up, and he started giggling. I looked at him.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked, curiously.
"I just remembered when it used to be so easy, you know, just a demon here, a ghost there, and onto the next town. None of this deal-making crap..." Sam looked down, and a tear fell from his eyes.
"I guess we're not ready to deal with the memories, yet," I said. Our faces were so close, and I couldn't figure out how I'd ended up that close to him.
"We've been through a lot together, haven't we Sammy?" I asked. He looked at me, and nodded.
"Yea, yea we have," he replied. Sam's phone rang then, making us both jump. "It's Bobby," he said, as he flipped the phone open.
"Hey Bobby...yea...I was...you're kidding...okay...okay I'm on my way...bye," Sam said, closing the phone. He turned to me.
"I'm sorry, I gotta go. Bobby thinks he's closed in on one of Lilith's entourage. He wants to see if the bastard will spill his guts," he said as he stood up and put on his jacket. I stood and followed Sam to the Impala.
"Be careful, Sam, Lilith is dangerous," I warned him. He stood up out of the car, and pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly.
"I'll be careful, and I'll call you when I'm done, I promise," he said. He got back into the driver's seat, and I closed the door when he was clear. Sam drove away down the road, and I went back inside, my heart pounding in terror, hoping beyond hope that Sam would be okay.