Chapter 2: From the damage

(In the perspective of Helga)

"Then, he said he loved me"

Here I was again, with DR. Bliss, laying on that purple leather couch. I pretty much barged in to her office and demanded to be seen. After hearing that voice mail from Arnold, I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to make a mistake again. There she was, scribbling on her paper again, nodding away at everything I said. I know she listens and I know she's right. "Helga, the ball is in your court now. Its up to you to play the game or walk away. Either way, you are strong for it. Try not to second guess yourself when you do make your move. Just make sure you think it through before you do" she said. I sat there and contemplated a bit more. I had this conflict I couldn't shake. "I guess I keep asking myself if he meant it, or even if he said it, he'd run back to her out of fear" I said. I kept my eye's to the ceiling. I kept replaying his voice in my head like a broken record. "You wont ever know until you speak to him again. I think that is your first step" she recommended. I knew what I had to do but my past seems to be my only obstacle. "You have no idea how badly I wanted to see him immediately after I heard that message but I came here instead. There's this little voice in my head that tell's me not to go yet there's a louder voice in my head that tell's me I should see him. I can't tell which voice is my head or my heart. I dont know doc, maybe im just too focused on the past" I said. She lifted her right eyebrow in curiosity. I never really did go in to detail about what happened 2 years ago. I treat it like PTSD and avoid it completely. "Speaking of your past, I know I've asked you before but I think its an important process in order for you to move forward. Helga, what happened between you and Arnold 2 years ago?" I knew that dreaded question was going to be brought up today. As much as I've been dodging it, I knew I needed to finally tell her what really happened.

"2 year's ago was a disaster and the reason why I ended up in this office in the first place. The day I dragged myself back here after 10 year's of not having to step in your office, was obviously the downward spiral, no offense" I said. she chuckled a bit. " None taken, please continue ". "That morning, before the end of us, we were great. I woke up that day like any other day. I was in his arm's in my bed, the room was dim because I like my black out curtains. We never knew the time because it never mattered to us. We spent the night before staying up pretty late and finding different way's to pleasure each other. Hahaha..ya know what I mean. Anyway, I got up, went in to the shower and usually he would wake up right after me and join me but not that day. I waited, sitting under the water until It got cold. He never showed up. It wasn't like him. So, of course like the moron that I am, I confronted him about it. Something that isn't even a big deal, I had to confront him anyway. I stormed out of the bathroom with my towel wrapped around me, soaking wet and agitated. I opened my mouth to hell and he wasn't there. I looked around my apartment and he vanished like he was abducted or something. I panicked, left him about 400 voice mails. Nothing. Silence. I went to his house, his parents didn't know where he was. Criminey, nobody knew. After about 3 to 4 hour's I finally got a message from him. He said "meet me at the park bench as soon as you can". Of course, I ran over there like a bat out of hell. I saw him sitting there by himself and immediately approached him. I dont remember much. It happened so fast. I was waving my hands around like a maniac and shouting, "Where have you been, what the hell is wrong with you, what the heck is going on?", blah blah blah. I was obviously worried.

Then, he said a few words my mind couldn't compute. I felt malfunctioned. All I heard was ,"I think we should break up"...and I flat lined. I didn't get it at all. I kept asking him why, over and over and over. What did I do wrong and how did this happen? over and over. I was blind sided. He seemed upset at me, like it was my fault but couldn't give me a straight answer. I thought I knew him better than that. In a matter of minute's and without me realizing it, he was gone. He never explained himself. He never answered my calls. He ghosted me after 10 years of being inseparable. He didn't even come by to get his stuff he left at my place. After a year in hiding, I saw him at the store. To my demise he was with someone else, with Gloria. It made me wonder if he was seeing her and broke it off with me to be with her. I cant seem to figure out the time line. I asked his friends, even his parents, and nobody seem's to know why he did it. They can't even make out the time line themselves. Gloria didn't appear until exactly 1 year after. I keep looking back at old emails and text messages. I keep trying to find the answer. I guess im afraid to finally talk to him, even though I know I have to. You know when you search for something for so long and you get so close to finding out that all you ever know is searching? that it's scary to finally face the truth? that how I feel right now. For him to say he still love's me mean's that whatever happened back then, wasn't enough for him to let go...My biggest fear though, is that he disappears again, without an explanation. I spent way too long defending him even though he hurt me this way...That wasn't Arnold 2 years ago...and I've convinced myself that after 10 years of knowing someone that there must be some bigger picture im missing...something" I said, finally finishing my story.

She sat in silence for awhile, trying to process it. Her eye's weren't full of pity but rather, pain for me."Im so sorry that happened to you. I wish you had told me that 2 year's ago but I understand why you didn't. I know how much pride you carry and maybe you felt guilty over something you thought you did. That must be an awful burden to carry, not knowing what went wrong. I understand why you didn't tell me right away. You were trying to cope from the damage of a world you saw burning and couldn't understand how the fire started. Helga, I think it's time to fully face your demon's. I think you need to forgive yourself and forgive Arnold no matter what you find out. Be brave and be the Helga who shouted at the top of her lung's, threw papers in the air and declared her love for Arnold. You need answers. Don't let fear deprive yourself from the truth." she said. I didn't say much after that. I stood still and kept my mind running until the meter was out. "Thank's doc, I dont know why you even put up with me. You aren't even suppose to, Im not a child anymore after all" I said. "You are a special case. Child or not, you trust me and I will always be there for you" she said as she smiled. I left the office and headed back to my apartment. I was back on that bus, leaning towards the window and watching those strangers again. Despite the fact I just told her everything that happened, my mind went back to Arnold's word's. The voice mail I had saved like a song on my Mp3 player. I finally got the guts to take the phone out of my back pocket and open the text app. I had my finger's on the key's but I couldn't move them. As I thought of the words to say I was saved by the buzz. Phoebe's name lit up my phone and I immediately answered. "What's up Pheebs"? I asked.

"Hey! I was just calling to check up on you. Last night was a little rough, just wanted to make sure you're okay" she said. "Yeah, yeah im fine. Just left my therapist because ya know im obviously hearing things.." I was trying to segue in to it. "Hearing things?" she questioned. "Yeah, last night Arnold left me a voice mail and I guess he was distraught but he ended with a good old fashion ,"I still love you", bit" I said, keeping my voice cool and calm."Wait what?!, he said WHAT?!" she shouted. "Oh trust me, I was just as shocked as you are. Stupid football head doesn't know what he wants. What a moron" I kept my cool going. "Helga! Why didn't you tell me!? this is important! Tell me everything!" she demanded. I spend the rest of the ride home explaining to her everything that happened till this very moment. Needless to say, she was speechless. After explaining my ordeal with Arnold, I crashed on my bed once again. I made a full circle back to the same position. No matter how much I vented about it, I still was too scared to make that call, or send that text. I kept my phone in my hands and my face flat on my pillow. I was coming up with all these crazy scenarios on how it would turn out and psyching myself out. I slowly crawled the phone up to my ear and took another listen to the message. During the message I noticed a slight knocking sound. For a moment I thought it was coming from the message itself but I noticed it getting louder. I stood up and walked over to my front door. I put my ear up to the door to listen for it again. "Helga, are you home?" a voice quietly asked. I quickly moved my ear away. I knew that voice all too well. I placed my hand on the knob with the intentions to turn it but I was frozen. "Listen, I know you're in there. Please, just open the door" he said. I took a deep breath and opened the door as quickly as I could. I couldn't sit there and debate anymore. I had to rip it off like a band-aid. There he was, standing there with his eye's plastered to the ground.

Guilt was radiating in my direction. "What do you want?" I asked with attitude. He was silent for awhile. Probably having his own war scene in his mind. "Can we talk inside?" he said, knowing full well I was putting up a front. I kept quiet, moving aside to let him in. I had all my soldiers ready to fire, but no idea what I would see over the walked in and stopped to look around. He's been here so many times. I wasn't sure what the heck he was looking for. "It's been so long since I've been here.." he said with a smirk. Seeing him back in here was bitter sweet. I wanted this for so long and yet, I never wanted it to be in this circumstance. I had to be the one to take the first shot, otherwise, It would be endless silence. "Ya know,That's really fuckin' screwed up what you said to me last night in your message Arnold" I leaped in that direction. "...I know. Im sorry.." he said. Suddenly, I was angrier than I was before. Why the hell was he apologizing for it?. I had a feeling he only came here to make sure I kept my mouth shut. "What do you mean "im sorry", Sorry for what?!, saying you still LOVED me?!, I thought for once you would apologize for disappearing on me 2 year's ago without a God damn clue as to WHY?!" I lost my grip on patience. He took the shots without firing back. He just kept still, clenching his fist and bracing for another blow. "You came all the way here to make sure I delete that message, didn't you?!" I said, keeping the war alive. "Helga, you dont understand..." he tried to wave his white flag. "Understand what?!, that after 10 year's of being soulmates you decided you needed a new one?! is THAT how it works?!" I couldn't stop myself anymore. "HELGA LISTEN TO ME" he shouted, finally deciding to show his bravery. "I meant it. Every word" he continued. I truly wasn't expecting that. It was another situation of having to clarify it, over and over.

"What..?" I whispered. "I still love you. I saw you for the 1st time in nearly 2 year's and I lost it. I had to see you, instantly. I had to call you, 100 time's just to hear your voice. When you didn't answer, I was physically in pain...And it hurts me so damn badly to have to tell you the truth..and its so ugly.." he said. I instantly sat down on my couch, bracing myself for what I was about to hear. I wasn't ready, but I couldn't stop it. He stood in front of me, his fists were shaking and his word's were barely eligible. I knew from his demeanor that I wasn't going to survive this. "I really messed thing's up Helga...2 year's ago, 2 month's before we broke up, Gloria started working at my job. I swear, It wasn't like that at first. We were just co worker's. I was dedicated to you. I promise you, that isn't why I ended thing's...One night, I was just about to leave work when Gloria was having car troubles. You know me, I had to help her. I couldn't just leave her stranded. So, I changed her tire and she insisted on buying me a meal for the trouble I caused her. I took her offer and she bought me an innocent meal.. That night is so blurry, I can barely remember what happened. Next thing I knew, It was morning and I woke up in her bed. I was traumatized... I had no idea how I ended up there but she was next to me. I left, so fast that I forgot my wallet at her apartment. That entire day I was in hiding. I couldn't believe that I would cheat on you like that, because I NEVER would. I tried to convince myself that entire day it wasn't what I thought. Later that day, she called me to tell me I left my wallet at her house. When I went to retrieve it, I had to ask. She assured me that nothing happened and that I passed out from dehydration at the restaurant. I was relieved to say the least. That night, I ran to your apartment and wouldn't leave you alone..Remember that?!..." he stopped for a moment. I couldn't nod or recall. I was too busy seeing red.

"...A month later, I woke up to you going in to the shower. You left my arm's and as I was about to get up to join you, my cell phone rang. I saw it was Gloria and thought it was work related. She wanted to see me, as soon as possible. I really thought It was about work, but when I got there..It was just her. She handed me a pregnancy result. It was positive " he stopped once again to try and catch his breath. My heart couldn't shatter anymore than it already was. I was numb, without any expression at all. He felt dead to me, so quickly and so painlessly. "Huh..well that's just fuckin' wonderful now is it..Congradufuckinlation's Arnoldo, way to go" I said cunningly. "...I thought nothing happened between us, but I was wrong. She lied because she didn't want to hurt my relationship with you. She assured me that I was the only one it could be. I couldn't tell you the truth. I couldn't bring myself to hurt you more than I was about to. I don't even know what I was thinking. I was so scared that I panicked. I knew that no matter what I said, we were over. I made the mistake of running away and leaving you without answers. But it didn't matter anyway because 2 month's later she had a miscarriage. I was waiting for the right moment to-" he suddenly stopped. He took a few second's to finally look me in the face. I hated him. I hated every single little fragment of his being. I couldn't find the remorse, the forgiveness, any of it. All the advice I was given by my therapist was vaporized. In that moment, every memory we shared, from the moment we met, evaporated in to dust. There was a slight evil grin on my face, as if I was happy. Happy in my own little world of chaos and rage. He looked frightened. In that moment, I think he knew that he broke me. He broke any living hope and love I had saved up for him one day. There was nothing left of it. Nothing. "Is that all?" I asked firmly. He just shook his head, knowing full well that if he spoke anymore nonsense that I would burn him alive. "Good, now get out" I demanded. "Helga, hold on just a second-" he tried to speak.

There was no way in hell I would let him. "Are you DEAF?!, LEAVE!" I shouted, pointing towards the front door. He took a deep breath, unclenching his fist. "This isn't over.." he whispered, jetting out the door. The look on his face kept flashing in my mind. For just a moment, I felt free of him. I was done blaming myself for 2 year's. I was done constantly wondering why it all happened. Even though it was a revelation for my conscience, It was bitter sweet at most. The numbing was starting to wear off. My eye's started to scan each part of the room. The projector in my mind turned itself on, playing back all the "happy times" tucked away inside it. I kept trying to replace each moment with anger and each moment with reality. That little girl inside me refused to let it die. I kept hearing her moronic poems to her beloved, her desperate way's to keep her love alive. The moment he felt the same and every moment since then. I wanted so badly to sit and stew in my new revelation, but it wasn't revelating at all. Arnold's force was hard to bury. How could he be so much stronger than my hate?. This should have been the final curtain, the end all, fin. But there was a glimmer of hope that hid itself behind the wall I built around Arnold. Poking its ugly face out to mock me. After everything I just heard,What the hell is wrong with me?!. Am I that bat shit crazy?!. Criminey, I AM a damn basket case. After a few moments of ping pong with myself, I stood up off my ass and dragged myself to the mirror. I needed a change, desperately. I needed something or someone to be that change. Even though my heart refused to keep Arnold away, I had to do everything I can to fight it. I had to take my pride back no matter what the cost.

My integrity to be someone else, someone who ISNT in love with Arnold. I needed that desperately now. I knew in that moment that my true revelation was about to reveal itself. Something sinister was brewing inside my soul. I grabbed my cell phone out of my back pocket and without hesitation, I called HIM. This wasn't about getting back at Arnold. It wasn't about missing Arnold and the memories we shared. I knew before he would quickly answer my phone call that I was treading into dangerous waters. I was ready. "Helga?" he was obviously surprised. I hadn't spoken to him in months. "I need you to come over." I said. I was stern and without a hiccup. Within 10 minutes time he was at my front door. I stood up, smirk on my face and my plan in place. I headed to the front door, swinging it open and dragging him in. He was taken back, gasping as I pulled him. I slammed the door shut behind him and pulled him up to meet eye to eye. He seemed intrigued and excited. "Listen here. You are nothing to me but an object I can use. You will report here when asked and you will do what I demand. Do you agree to these terms? if you don't, you can leave and I will give you that option now. You are free to go or you can stay" I threw him back against the door and walked off. I knew apart of me was trying to get the hang of something new but I wanted to understand Arnold in some way. I wanted to know what it was like to live a lie. Anything he could do I could do 10 times better. I also knew how dangerous these water's were to tread. He was after all, someone who had a big reputation. I knew this whole situation was completely cliche, but its the only way to bruise Arnold. It was going to work. I was confident in that and I am going to make sure the whole damn world knows about it.

He put his hand on my shoulder to signal his final decision. I turned to face him, almost disgusted at the smirk he had plastered on his face. I was an object too now, which wasn't anything new to me. "Im in. Just know, I plan on sneaking in here as much as I possibly can. You may want to come up with some kind of password..or, safe word" he said. "You dont need one" I said, as the side smile grew larger. "When do we start?" he asked. I took just a moment to think it over, but the band-aid had to rip. "Now." i said firmly. He nodded, picking me up by the waist and carrying me in to my bedroom. He threw me on top of my bed and quickly started to undress me. I turned my head sideways to stare at the pitch black wall in front of me. I agreed to this, it was my plan and I couldn't back down from it. I didn't wish for a moment that it could be any different. I let him do what he wanted and gave myself up to pride. I wanted to shut my eye's to shoo away the nightmare's but I couldn't. He squeezed my cheeks and pulled my head back to the center. "Tell me now if you want me to stop" he whispered. I shut my eye's again, tighter this time. "Dont stop" I tried to sneak out of my squeezed lips. He smiled wide and went in to kiss me. I immediately turned my head away out of habit. He aggressively turned me back to meet his eye's. "Playing hard to get I see, Its sexy" he said. I pushed his hand's away for just a moment. "Kissing isn't allowed. It's too personal, you know that.." I reminded him. "Fine, fine. Just sex, not a big deal" he agreed. He continued to kiss down my neck and kept making his way down. I had to admit, for just a moment, regardless of the circumstance, It was nice to feel someone's touch. This wasn't the first time I had him on speed dial. He was a regular a few month's after me and Arnold ended things. Even though he was much older, It was always intriguing. He was notorious for being a best kept secret.

I tossed my arm in front of my eye's and braced myself for what I knew was coming. He kissed my inner thighs, teasing is way where his end game was. My leg's were trembling from the pleasure, my fingers gripping to the bed sheets. I arched my back with each little tongue motion he tried. I wanted desperately for him to be better than Arnold at this, but sometimes a haunted flash back would snap in my brain. Arnold being so much better and so much more passionate. I shook them off as much as possible to keep my juices flowing. This was deja vu for me in the worst ways. The difference was, Arnold was back and I had bigger plans for him. This was just the first phase. I had to endure a few nights of secret pleasure with someone else in order to do it. I let out a moan too loud for me to handle. It bounced off the walls and back to my ear's. It was a sudden moment of disgust. I could hear him giggle when I did and it made it so much worse. He loved it that whatever he was doing to me was working. I forced myself to overlook the fact that I was being a complete moron and allowed myself to finish. After the damage that was done, he sat up to catch his breath. "Damn girl, you are hard to please" he said laughing a bit. I rested up on my elbow's to look at the poor sucker who was down there nearly over 10 minutes. "Yeah well, what the heck do you want from me? Brush up on your skills or something" i said. He laughed even louder. "You never change Helga...So..I assume something bad happened in order for you to call me over. It's been a while since you demanded my presence" he said. I couldn't tell him everything I had planned. Even though he knew his place in all this, It was still unnecessary to explain. "What, I can't feel good once in awhile?" I asked sarcastically. "Oh so I make you feel good do I"? he tried to match me. "Someone's gotta do it" I replied. He just kept laughing it off. "...I have a question though.." I immediately went to the next phase of my plan. "Yeah, what is it?" he asked.

"Do you want to be my date to Gerald's wedding?" I asked. His eyebrow immediately went up in question. "Helga, Gerald has no idea that we even know of each other. We agreed to keep that a secret when we first met at the bar..remember?" he said. I sat up, crossing my arms as if I was upset that he would fight me on it. "So what, it's not a big deal. Im barely even Gerald's friend anyway. Besides, did you even have a date lined up loser?" I asked. "As a matter of fact..no, no I dont. But that's beside the point.." he said. "Think about it and get back to me. Now get outta here, you over stayed your welcome" I pointed at the front door. "Fine. Im leaving. Let me know what you are in need of my services again. Next time, Im hoping you demand a little more from me" he said as he left my bedroom.

"Oh dont you worry, I have big plans for you Jam-" I stopped suddenly as he turned around to face me by the door way.

"Fine, Ill go with you to my brother's wedding but just know, someone may not like that" he said, reminding me of what I already know.

"Oh trust me, Im ready for it" I said with the biggest smirk plastered on my heartbroken, damaged and revengeful face.