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Dislcaimer: I don't own Shugo Chara

Forbidden Feelings

I lay down on my bed and got under the covers. Maybe tonight I'd get a good sleep.

'Knock Knock'

Or not.

…

I stared at the now open door and frowned at my sister. She was wearing an extremely short, low necked, pink nightdress which was again very revealing. It made me really uncomfortable seeing as the nightdress was thin, this meant I could see her body clearly and she wasn't wearing anything underneath it. That alone made me cringe, this was my baby sister and no big brother needs to see that.

"Utau, will you please cover yourself up." I said, slightly angrily. I knew she did it on purpose, she always did. She would make herself appear really pretty, and sometimes just plain slutty in an attempt to impress me. Usually, I'd love that kind of attention from a girl, but this was my little sister. That's just so not right.

Despite the fact that incest is actually legal in Japan, and some families arrange for brothers and sisters to marry, supposedly keeping the bloodline pure, many people still frown upon it. I was one of those people; I just found it creepy and wrong. The thought of my little sister wanting me in that way upset me more than I let on. I liked it when we were younger, where I could hug her as a big brother, look after her, play silly kid games with her. Now however, any little thing I did would be taken too far, she'd get her hopes up and then I'd have to let her down. I hated that the most, breaking her heart. I knew she loved me, she really loved me. At first I assumed it was a childish crush that she took too far, but after I'd seen what she was willing to do for me whilst working at Easter, that just proved to me that this wasn't going to go away. This was real, and I didn't know how to react to it. Just imagine it; your younger sibling decides they're in love with you. What the hell are you meant to say to that?!

I watched my sister smile a little.

"I didn't realize you noticed my clothing big brother." she replied in a flirty tone. I shuddered, that voice always freaked me out. I didn't answer, I simply watched the ceiling. I couldn't look at her, it was too weird. I heard soft footsteps as she walked towards me.

"Utau go back to bed" I said lazily, turning over onto my side.

"I can't sleep Ikuto. I get scared that Mama or Papa will… I keep having those dreams… I…" she said quietly, I could hear her voice crack and even though everything was silent I knew she was crying. I sighed heavily and sat up.

"Utau you'll be fine. Go to bed, I'm only in the next room." I said sleepily. I saw her wipe her eyes and it pained me to send her away. I wanted to tell her it was okay, to hold her, but I couldn't. She wouldn't see it the way I would, she wouldn't see it as sibling love. Oh no, she'd see it as much more, so to refrain from hurting her and making myself more uncomfortable than I already was, I didn't act like that anymore. I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to make her smile, like any brother would, I couldn't. That hurt me, but I couldn't risk breaking her heart like that. It was just too painful to watch.

Although, I did love to see that pretty little smile she wore when I hugged her. That of course was very rare, well, as rare as I could make it, I hated leading her on when I knew I'd never like her that way. I only ever hugged her if something really bad had happened, for example Easter, or our parents, or our home life, or everything else that had gone wrong in our lives. The two of us were emotionally scarred forever now, and it's entirely their fault. If we weren't born into this despicable family, none of this would have happened. Maybe then we'd be happy when we were growing up. Everyone else would play with their new toys, their friends; make the most of their childhood. What did we do? We were kept at home, screamed at daily, beaten and insulted. It sickened me, if anything; I wished that Utau could have been saved from it all. I was so excited when I heard I was going to become an older brother, but I was scared too. I didn't want her to grow up the way I had. I was also scared that she'd become daddy's little girl and would be treated nicely and she'd just become another person that treated me like a waste of space. I was wrong though, Utau quickly became the only important thing in my life. My baby sister, someone that loved me, someone that understood me.

Utau shuffled away with her head lowered. I felt a sharp pain in my chest but I ignored it. She had to leave; I couldn't make it a routine for us to stay in the same room. I had to draw the line somewhere, I had been overly affectionate recently and it needed to stop.

Suddenly we both jumped as we heard a loud crash.

"You fucking stupid bitch!"

My parents were fighting again. I flinched and watched sadly as Utau whipped her hand away from the door handle and quietly took a few steps back. She was so frightened.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to, I, please, please stop! D-" I heard my mother begging but she was cut off. My father had hit her. He did it regularly. I could stop it, but I didn't want to. There was no point in getting involved; my mother brought it on herself. She too treated us like worthless slaves and I'll never forgive her for it. She often told us how we were both 'accidents' and she never wanted either of us. Why should I help her? She didn't love us. It's her fault for marrying a man like him. The only reason she's with him is because he's rich and powerful. I knew she'd cheated on him a few times in the past and lucky for her, he was still unaware. She didn't deserve any form of love. Neither did he. I hated them both.

Unfortunately Utau loves both mother and father. God knows why. I guess she is just like that. I had become completely numb and refused to acknowledge that those pathetic excuses for human beings were in any way related to me, but Utau was sweet, caring and probably a bit too forgiving as she looked past all the evil things they had done to us and loved them purely because they were her parents. They used that against her. They were also aware of her feelings for me and used that against her too. They would threaten to hurt me if she didn't do as they said. They played games with her emotions and they fucking enjoyed it. I hated them then, I still hate them now. I'll never ever have a shred of respect for them.

I watched my sister silently sobbing, her face buried in her hands. I couldn't tell her to leave now. I got out of bed and approached my younger sister. Reluctantly, I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind and whispered into her ear.

"It's okay Utau, I'm here. I won't let them hurt you."

Utau looked at me with teary eyes and turned to face me, quickly wrapping her arms tightly around my neck.

"When will it stop big brother?" she whispered desperately. The knot in my stomach tightened and was getting harder and harder to ignore. She looked so defenseless, so weak. I hated it. She didn't deserve this. No one did.

"Utau please don't cry, you know I hate it when you cry" I whispered to her, if my parents heard us I knew things would get worse. I hesitantly tightened my grip on her and held her close to me. It felt weird, but I had to cheer her up somehow. If she cried any louder we'd be caught. We were both supposed to be asleep.

I secretly smiled to myself as I felt her relax slightly and her sobs eased to a halt. I sighed in relief and tried to pull her over to my bed. Not only did we both need sleep, but I wanted to cover her up. She was cold and I felt strange being around her when she was dressed like that.

I gently tugged at her arm but she wouldn't budge.

"No Ikuto, stay with me, please? Don't let them…" she whispered, beginning to cry harder. Clearly, she wasn't thinking straight, she wouldn't let go. I sighed in defeat and gently lifted her up, cradling her and taking her over to my bed. I let her down softly and pulled the covers over her. She looked up at me, her pretty amethyst eyes wide, and tears still evident. I was kneeling over her but there was an awkward silence so I started to get up and move to the other side of my bed but she stopped me. There was an odd atmosphere, I couldn't put my finger on it but something was different. She grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me back.

"Please don't leave me here!" she said quietly. Did she think I was going to leave her alone in my own room? I had no idea what she was thinking, but she was probably too scared and upset to get her thoughts straight. Maybe she thought this was her room?

"It's okay Utau; I'm not going to leave you." I said reassuringly. She nodded and slowly released her grip on my shirt. I got up and walked to the other side of the bed, pulled back the covers and lay down. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend she wasn't there. I found it so hard to sleep next to her. I was a little scared that my parents would walk in and punish us, or that Utau would start acting flirty again, or that I'd somehow upset her. I don't really know, it was just very awkward to lay in bed with my younger sister.

I felt her shift herself slightly and opened my eyes. She was looking at me, but not in that dreamy way she usually did, this was a sad way. A sorry way, an almost, frightened way.

I looked at her with a concerned expression, but before I could speak she opened her mouth. She hesitated, but then spoke.

"I'm sorry big brother."

I frowned at the small girl before me.

"What for?" I asked, confused. I watched as tears formed in her big eyes again.

"For being so annoying. For loving you. For everything. I'm sorry." she said, her voice shaky and barely audible.

"Don't be sorry." I replied.

"I'm a freak aren't I?" she asked, looking away from me and fiddling with the bed covers.

"No."

She looked up at me but she lost control of herself and tears poured down her cheeks.

She mumbled something but I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't answer her. I never really thought about it from her point of view. It must have been a huge thing for her to admit to herself that she was in love with her brother. She must have felt like such an outcast, so lonely. I wondered how long she'd had these feelings, had she told me from the start? I guess this was hard for her too. All she wanted was love right? Something she'd lacked from a young age. No wonder she fell for me, I'm the only one that cares about her. Still, she was my sister. Although, it wouldn't hurt just to hold her. Just for a little while.

"No Utau, I'm sorry." I said quietly.

"Wh-Why?" she said, wiping a tear from her cheek. I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer. I didn't know why I was sorry, but I felt really guilty. The urge to hold her was too strong and so I took her small figure in my arms and pulled her closer. I forgot everything for a moment; I just held her tightly and shut my eyes.

She gently placed her hand on my chest, and the weirdest thing happened.

My heart skipped a beat.

Then another weird thing happened.

I blushed.

So not like me. I remember my thoughts very clearly.

'What…The…Fuck'

I hid my face in her soft blonde hair, ignoring my now burning cheeks. This had never ever happened to me before, but, even though it was totally not my character, it felt good. I wasn't sure what was happening. I didn't get it. Did I need to get it? Get what?!

I was silently panicking as my heart beat increased. Then it hit me and my eyes widened with shock.

I was falling for my sister.

For a moment I was disgusted with myself to think of my sister in a romantic way, but I looked down at her. Her head was leaning softly against my chest, her eyes half closed and her lips parted. She was falling asleep but she'd stopped crying, that was something.

I noticed that my parents weren't fighting anymore. That was good too.

Something changed that night, I have no idea what, why, how or even when, but something did. The atmosphere was different. I stopped being so uncomfortable and I guess, I saw things differently.

I thought about how happy I could make Utau. I realized that with just one gesture I could make Utau forget about everything, I could make her smile. It was kind of scary to have that kind of power, but, a little… exciting? Now I was confused, even more so than before. Do I love Utau? No way! That was surely impossible. She's my sister!!

I peered down at the half asleep blonde and unconsciously began stroking her hair.

Utau formed a small smile and loosely clasped her small fingers around the front of my shirt. I pulled the bed covers over my younger sister's bare shoulders and returned my hand to her waist. My hold on her tightened slightly and I shut my eyes, ready to sleep.

This was so wrong, I couldn't keep doing this. For the past few days Utau and I had become increasingly closer and I was growing too affectionate, but as I lay there, my sibling falling asleep in my arms and the moonlight pouring in through my bedroom window, I couldn't clear my head. I couldn't think straight, all I knew was that I had some stupid grin plastered over my face and for some reason, my heartbeat was still a considerable amount faster than it should have been.

I noticed that Utau's eyes were now shut and her breathing was soft. I was pretty sure she was asleep and she looked so adorable. I watched her for a few moments. Beautiful.

I ran my hands slowly up her sides and then back to her waist. I continued this for a while, apparently unaware of my actions but I soon realized what I was doing. My cheeks heated up once again and I placed my hands back on her hips.

'She's my sister!!'

Despite the fact that I felt completely disturbed by the loving thoughts forming in my mind, I also couldn't ignore the jittery feeling that had become evident in my stomach. I was new to this, it kind of felt like I was dreaming. So surreal, so different, yet there was still a sense of excitement?

I'd never experienced this feeling before. I'd been with a lot of girls, I'll admit that, but not once had I felt this way. In all honesty, my main priority in the past had been getting laid, but when you have about thirty different girls desperate for you, well, I'm a guy. Do the math.

I hadn't even had this feeling for Amu. My supposed true love. Again, I think love would be too strong a word to use, but I did feel differently about her than I did about other girls. Perhaps the only difference was that she was thirteen and I couldn't think of her in that way because, well because that's just sick. Then again, here I am lying in bed with my sister. Hmm.

I just couldn't make sense of my thoughts and was almost ready to give up on trying when I felt my sister stir slightly.

I watched in fascination as she lifted her head to look at me.

"Goodnight big brother, I love you"

I blinked at her, a warm feeling washing over me as her soft words reached my ears.

Her lips parted and her eyes grew wide. Uh oh…

"A…Are you blushing?!" she said in disbelief. This of course only caused me to blush more. This was so not my character and I felt like such an idiot! I didn't answer, I didn't particularly want to admit to myself, let alone Utau that I was blushing. Nope, I'd just pretend it wasn't there.

I closed my eyes, ignoring her gaze. Smooth Ikuto, real subtle. Silently, I began beating myself up in my mind. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

"Ikuto," said Utau, her tone more serious now, "Don't fight it. It's easier if you just accept it."

I stared at her, shocked. What was she, a mind reader?

She smiled at me and lowered her head, shutting her eyes once more. Eventually, the colour in my cheeks faded and I managed to drift off to sleep.