Amor Fati
By Jaclyn Parker

Chapter 2: Pavesco, pavesco

Addison was so stunned to see Mark standing at the foot of the bed, half dressed, that for a moment she wondered if she had been struck dumb.

As it was, the first thing that she managed to get out of her mouth was a small squeak followed by a breathy, "What the hell is going on, Mark?"

Mark's brow furrowed in confusion until he glanced down at the softly snoring child in the bed next to her. Then he grimaced and when he looked back up at her, she swore he was blushing.

"Okay, now I know we said that we had to be firm about her not sleeping in our bed but I accidently woke her up when I started the shower. She said she was hungry so I poured her a bowl of Cheerios and by the time I came back from the kitchen she was asleep at the table. And I was gonna put her back in her room but when I picked her up she started to wake up again and I was going to be late if I didn't get in the shower and so I just kinda...put her in here. For now. Til I was done my shower. And then I was gonna move her, I swear."

Mark sped through his account until he trailed off, having run out of explanation. When he still didn't get a reaction from Addison he frowned and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Okay, fine. Fine, I'll be the bad guy!"

He shifted closer to the bed and Addison had to force herself to keep her eyes above the towel line. However when his eyes met hers, she could see that he had caught her peeking and winked at her again. Uncharacteristically, she found herself trying to stop a blush from spreading across her face. The burning sensation on her cheeks told her that she had failed miserably. Instead of acknowledging her embarrassment, she rolled her eyes and tried to focus on the task at hand.

"Hey Munchkin, time to wake up," Mark said, gently rubbing the little girl's back in small slow circles.

Getting no response, Mark began pulling the covers down off of the child's body, revealing her Hello Kitty nightgown. However, instead of waking up, the little girl just started scooting further and further down to stay within the warmth of the sheets.

As confused as she was as to what was going on, Addison couldn't help but grin at the sight. Mark let out a quiet laugh and giving up that tactic he dropped the sheets when the girl's head became level with Addison's thighs. Reaching out, he started to tuck his hands around the small ribcage in order to just lift her out of the bed.

An annoyed grunt was accompanied by a tiny arm swinging a fist in his direction. The unexpected move caused Mark to take a quick step back in order to avoid getting clocked in the nose. The little girl tucked her arm back against her body and then moved closer to Addison until she was curled against Addison's thigh like a kitten. With a contented sigh, one of her tiny fists found its way to grip part of the jersey Addison was wearing and held on for dear life.

Biting back a chuckle, Mark shook his head and began to pat her on the back again, "Come on, Ella. I need you to wake up for Daddy."

The name echoed in Addison's head and shot a bolt of pure white pain through her chest.

Suddenly the dream world she was currently imagining made so much more sense. After the events of yesterday she figured that her subconscious was probably trying to rectify the broken pieces of her heart.

Almost instantly Addison wished that she hadn't figured anything out.

Violet had told her once when they were discussing dreams over lunch that when the subconscious merged with the conscious thought process in a dream it would inevitably pull a person from sleep or begin to construct another dream world.

Basically when the dreamer realized they were dreaming, they would inadvertently either cause themselves to wake up or change the dream.

After a moment of trying to balance the chaotic emotions swirling around inside of her, Addison let her gaze sweep over the child again. She took in her tiny features, recognizing things that resembled Mark as well as those that distinctly belonged to her own Montgomery family line. When the little girl sighed again, Addison couldn't help but reach out to touch the fist gripping onto her, tracing the small knuckles with a caress so light that it rivaled a feather.

A movement caught her eye and she saw Mark getting ready to try to wake the girl up again.

Despite knowing that it was a dream, a deep panic ran through her. Addison didn't know how much longer she would stay in this beautiful hallucination but she wanted to savor every moment of it while she could.

"No, stop. It's okay, just leave her." Addison said quietly, her eyes dropping to the child snuggled into her side.

Her lost chance.

Her little girl.

Her Ella.

With a loud snort of laughter, Mark rolled his eyes. Addison looked up at him in surprise and noticed his eyes were twinkling with merriment.

"Oh sure say that after she takes a swipe at my head," Mark grumbled but stopped his efforts at her request.

Instead he gently cupped the back of Ella's head and pressed a loving kiss to the mess of brown curls. Before Addison could move away he straightened up and gave her a quick kiss on the lips too. Startled she jerked backwards, her blue eyes widening.

"Sorry, Babe, did I get you wet?" Mark asked, ruffling his damp hair with a smile.

"No...no, I'm fine." Addison said, still slightly dazed even though she wasn't sure why.

This wasn't the first dream she had ever had where Mark Sloan kissed her and she doubted it would be the last. Yet, there was something so tender in his kiss this time that it left an unexpected ache in her chest.

"Shit," Mark muttered under his breath as he caught sight of the alarm clock. "I didn't realize it was so late!"

Addison looked over at the clock and winced when she saw that it was only 7:15AM.

Mark didn't seem to miss a beat though as he turned around and disappeared through an open doorway in front of her and to the right. His muffled voice came from what she assumed to be a closet from the sounds of clothes being shoved around on hangers.

Addison frowned and she strained to hear what he was saying when she realized he was still keep up his running commentary. However her eyes once again drifted downward to the sleeping little girl next to her and she found her thoughts frenzied all over again.

"...and then I have a microsurgery at one but that gives me about an hour in between if you want to stop by and have lunch. We can go to Tony's since they're quick and already know our usual orders."

Addison was concentrating so hard that when Mark reappeared only a few moments later his voice was so close to her that it startled her. Her head shot up and her one leg swung over the bed in surprise causing the back of her heel to slam into the edge of the night table next to the bed frame with a very loud "thunk".

The pain that radiated through her foot was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped all over her; it was pain too real to take place in a dream and not wake her up.

"Shit, Babe, are you okay?" Mark asked, his eyes narrowed as he hurried over to check her ankle.

Seeing nothing more than a very nice red spot beginning to form, he rubbed it gently before pressing a kiss to her now exposed knee.

"I have a feeling that's gonna be a pretty nice bruise come tomorrow."

Mark looked up into Addison's face, who was staring down at him with wide, alarmed blue eyes.

"I don't...I don't remember what..." Addison tried to form a sentence that didn't make her sound insane. She turned her head away, took in the rumpled bed and then blushed...again.

"You don't remember last night?" Mark finished for her, chuckling.

When her eyes met his again she was taken aback by the amused glint. He patted her knee, gave her ankle another gentle rub, and then stood to go back towards the dresser.

"Baby, I could have told you that."

He began rummaging around on the dresser under the television all the while still speaking to a stunned Addison over his shoulder.

"When the Schaffers gave you those two bottles of wine for delivering their twins, I warned you that drinking both of them in one night was a bad idea. But oh no, you and Naomi insisted since they were gifts from the same family that they should be appreciated at the same time."

Mark kept laughing as he moved on to fumble around on the table by the mirror. Releasing a short "a-ha" when he finally found his pager he clipped it onto his black dress pants and turned back around to smile at her.

"All I know is that I warned you. Now you're going to have to face Amelia's wrath at the dress fitting and I don't envy you a bit."

"Dress...dress fitting?"

"Yeah, Red, that thing that you have been obsessing over for the last month and a half," Mark laughed and waved a mockingly stern finger in her direction. "And as Amelia's matron of honor, I'm not sure it's proper etiquette of you to show up with a raging hangover."

Despite his teasing tone, the absolute unfamiliarity of the situation he was describing combined with everything else that had been thrown at her in the past 15 minutes was too much.

"No, you don't understand! This isn't my life!" Addison felt tears of frustration well up in her eyes as she ran a hand over her face.

At her strange words, Mark's teasing smile dropped and instantly he was crouching by her side of the bed again.

"Hey, Addison, seriously, are you okay? I mean, I know I was teasing you about tying one on last night with Naomi but..."

Mark gently reached up his hand and cupped her face. His thumb began to gently caress her cheek as he spoke again.

"Honey, something is wrong. I know it. What happened last night?" Mark frowned at Addison's hitch in breath, knowing that it was hesitation on her part. "Hey, you know you can tell me anything."

"No, I can't. God, I wish I could but I...I can't." Addison shook her head.

She knew that if she gave voice to the thoughts swirling around in her head, he would think she was as crazy as she did at the moment.

"Hey, Red, it took me almost the entire nine months before Ella was born to convince you to marry me. It took you another year after that to convince me to move to California for a fresh start. I'd say we've gotten pretty good at the whole patience thing. I can wait for you to tell me what's really going on. Just remember...for better or worse, okay?"

At those words Addison's eyes dropped down to her left hand and caught sight of a dazzling wedding band set. But when she looked back up at him, she realized she didn't need a set of gleaming platinum diamond rings to tell her that they were married. The way he was looking at her, the amount of compassion and genuine concern in his eyes was nothing compared to the emotion that practically radiated off of him.

Love.

In that moment, Addison knew that whether or not she had gone completely insane, or was having the best dream of her life, she needed him to leave in order for her to think clearly.

"Yeah, I know." Addison mumbled out, pulling away from the warmth of his hand on her cheek.

She forced a smile and tucked a piece of her messy hair behind her ear.

"I'm fine, really. You should finish getting ready."

Mark eyed her carefully but must have sensed that it was as far as he was going to get with her at the moment. He rocked back on his heels and stood quickly, his blue eyes traveling over her body.

"Yeah, you're right. God knows, I refuse to give Sam any more ammunition to up his Starbucks hold over me. I already owe him three cups of coffee and a muffin."

Addison's eyebrows shot up at the mention of Sam and the obvious reference to some type of friendly rivalry between him and Mark.

Mark, oblivious to her astonishment, kept on talking.

"If I beat him in this morning, maybe I can negotiate him down to two cups and a scone."

Mark tucked in his dress shirt and ran a hand through his hair in the final touches of getting ready. Turning away from the mirror again, he looked over at Addison in the bed and chuckled.

"Babe, even though it's your day off, remember that Rachael's still gonna be here at eight-thirty to help out with Ella. I know she is pretty much family by now but I'm sure she would appreciate you opening the door with some pants on." Mark said gesturing to her lower half.

Addison glanced down at her...lack of attire, and then back at him with a raised eyebrow. Noticing something that he had inadvertently missed, she smirked and tilted her head in the direction of his groin.

"Oh, really? Then I suggest that you zip up your fly and I think we'll be even."

She might not understand anything that was going on right now but banter with Mark Sloan she could do easily.

Mark looked down and he rolled his eyes when he spotted the tip of his dress shirt sticking out the large gaping hole of his dress pants.

"Touché, Red," Mark said laughing.

Adjusting himself, he held out his arms to the side and spun in a slow circle before facing her again.

"So? Do I look presentable now?"

Addison's eyes twinkled as she held out her hand and wiggled it side to side in a so-so gesture.

"Eh," she said and bit her lip to hold back a laugh when he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Hmm, nice, Addison. Real nice," Mark said but he smiled at her on his way towards the bed. Leaning over to press a final quick kiss to Ella's head he straightened to press one to Addison's forehead.

Then, with a grin, he was suddenly walking out of the bedroom, calling back over his shoulder, "See you at lunch, Babe. Love you!"

Stunned, Addison just sat frozen to the spot on the bed for entire five minutes after the sound of his car pulling away had faded.

And it was about thirty seconds after that the panicked feeling from before rose back up.

As much as she had wished him to leave so she could gather her thoughts, the truth was that the one familiar thing in this strange dream/alternate world...whatever it was...had just left.

When Addison felt herself beginning to show signs of hyperventilation, she reminded herself of the advice she would give a patient in any traumatic or confusing situation. Start with something simple, something basic that one does every day in their routine so it would be almost automatic; like a shower.

Yes, that was it! A shower she could handle and, judging by the explanation for her current disheveled state as described by her "husband", she probably needed one.

However when she attempted to move off of the large king sized bed, Addison found herself weighed down by a tiny, yet solid mass.

'If I wake her up, I really am going to start hyperventilating,' Addison thought as she looked down at the little girl still clutching her jersey.

But, as if she had heard her thoughts, Ella suddenly released her grip on Addison before curling more into herself like a pill bug.

Addison jumped on the opportunity to get up from the bed and after only a slight hesitation, tucked the blankets tighter around Ella. Waiting a moment to make sure she was still sleeping soundly, Addison headed in the direction of what she had assumed earlier was the bathroom.

Except she didn't find a bathroom, per say. What she found was a hotel-like oasis complete with double sinks, granite countertops, an overly large tiled, glass encased shower, and a deep Jacuzzi tub. The latter looked like it could both fit an entire football team. Or at the very least, could easily hold two consenting adults...with bubbles...and candles strewn about the edges...with soft music playing in the...

"Whoa, Addison, stop right there," she murmured to herself, forcing the erotic images that flashed in her mind to disappear. She gave one last glance at the tub before turning away, albeit a bit reluctantly, to settle on the shower.

Grabbing a shower cap and a towel from the nearby linen closet, she turned the large rain shower head on full force. By the time she had stripped off the jersey and her underwear, tossing them into the hamper by the door, the shower had filled with steam. Opening the door, Addison was about to slip inside when she caught sight of her reflection in the vanity mirror across from her. A brief smile flitted across her lips as she noted that she looked a little bit like Alice disappearing into the looking glass.

Fifteen minutes later, she was wrapping herself in the towel as she stepped out of the shower onto blessedly heated ceramic floors. Pulling off the shower cap, Addison threw it in the sink as she walked up to the counter. Wiping away the condensation in the mirror, she studied herself again. Other than feeling cleaner, she looked just as bewildered as she did when she went in.

Hearing a noise from the bedroom, Addison forgot all about her reflection and rushed to check on Ella.

Luckily, the little girl only decided to exchange her fetal position for a more comfortable one. With a mumble of something in her sleep, she rolled over to settle on her stomach and stretched out her limbs towards the four corners of the bed.

"Well, as long as you're comfortable," Addison murmured with a small smile before heading back in to the enormous walk through closet.

As she thumbed through her undeniably well established wardrobe, it was obvious from the designer tags she found that the practice was doing inordinately well. After finally settling on a blue silk sheath dress by Stella McCartney and pairing it with a drool worthy pair of red peep-toe Louboutin heels, she finally stepped out of the closet feeling a little more like her "normal" self. Hanging the dress on the back of the bathroom door, she slipped into an oversized T-shirt and a stolen pair of Mark's boxer shorts while she finished her hair and makeup.

Having accomplished the art of fine beauty by a few minutes past eight and recognizing that Ella was nowhere near waking yet, Addison ambled into the kitchen to make coffee only to find the coffee pot still half full and on. Sending up a silent prayer of thanks to her thoughtful "husband", she poured herself a generous amount into one of the mugs in the nearby drying rack. Leaning against the kitchen island she looked out past the open living room and straight towards the ocean facing deck. Addison took small sips from the mug, allowing the caffeine to invade her senses, as she pondered what to do next.

As she glanced behind her, she decided to use the time to do what any other woman would do in her place...snoop.

Addison moved about the house, investigating each and every room that she found. By the end of her self-imposed house tour, she had seen a large airy office with two desks, a guest bedroom and guest bath, and -judging by the pastel colored butterfly motif- Ella's room and subsequent en-suite bathroom.

Unsurprisingly, like a moth to a flame, Addison found herself wandering back into the master bedroom where Ella was still sprawled out in the bed. Checking on the little girl briefly, she walked over to the wall of floor to ceiling windows and opened up the French doors. Stepping out onto the deck, she saw the early morning surfers and beach walkers however she wasn't really watching them. Taking a long sip she finished up the last of her coffee and took a moment to reflect on how she was currently feeling.

While it was true that Addison still wasn't quite adjusted to her surroundings, she was finding herself more and more comfortable by the minute. True to her initial thinking about the bedroom, the rest of the house was decorated to her taste as well, minus the crazy amount of gadgets and updated technology that she knew had to be Mark's male influence. The neighborhood they lived in was one that Addison had always dreamed about moving to once she had a family since it was known for its good school system, family oriented community, and it was a fairly short distance to work.

As a particularly large wave washed over the beach, the roar of it broke Addison out of her thoughts. Looking down she frowned into the empty mug and turned to head back inside for a refill. Silently moving through the bedroom and back out into the living room, she was halfway to the kitchen when the long line of pictures on top of the fireplace mantle caught her eye.

Familiar faces stared back at her from situations she obviously recognized, like her college graduation, but then skewed to things that had never happened in her lifetime, such as one of the most of the Ocean Wellness group at Ella's dance recital.

But it was a large 8x10 black and white photograph placed in the dead center that made her breath catch in her chest as she reached to pick it up.

Against a black background Mark and Addison were facing each other, barely an inch apart. Apparently they were nude from the waist down as there was no discernable clothing on their bodies even though the photograph tastefully only showed their bodies from Addison's shoulders and up. A newborn Ella was cradled against Mark's bare chest, facing the camera, with her bare bottom fitting snugly into the palm of Mark's hand. The baby's cupid bow lips were puckered into a sleeping kiss as her cheek rested on his shoulder. Addison's face also was turned towards the camera, her own cheek resting gently on her daughter's back. Her normally bright blue eyes were closed, as were Mark's eyes with his face angled down. The photographer had caught him as he had been pressing a kiss to the top of Addison's hair.

They looked so incredibly happy that it caused Addison to place the picture back down as if her fingers had been burned. It felt almost sacrilegious to touch it, knowing that the image of bliss wasn't one she remembered or, worse, felt that she really even deserved.

And in that moment any burgeoning sense of serenity that Addison might have been having completely disappeared and the dread rapidly set back in.

She couldn't stay here, in this dream world she rationalized that she had to have created for herself. As much as she didn't want to leave, she knew that the more she prolonged the inevitable the more devastating it would be when morning actually came.

Sitting down on the couch, Addison racked her brain to find something, anything, to help pull her out of whatever she was in. Just when she felt the tears of frustration start to well up in her eyes again she suddenly she remembered something she had read in one of those over-wordy dream text books that Violet liked to keep laying around the center. Addison knew the technique wasn't very glamorous looking but it was a tried and true method of many in order to wake from a dream.

After placing the coffee mug down on the coffee table, Addison stood up and moved to stand next to the couch. She stretched her arms towards the sky to loosen her joints before bringing her hands to her face. Addison watched her reflection in the television on the wall as she pinched her nose and took a deep breath in through her mouth. Then she tried to breathe out through her nose while still holding it shut.

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

Letting go of her nose and releasing a long breath of air, Addison's head whipped around at the sound of the sleepy voice in the doorway.

Ella stood there, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes with her brown hair sporting one heck of case of bed-head. She gave Addison an amused look that was so eerily a mixture of her and Mark that Addison found herself fighting tears.

Either Ella's question was rhetorical, or she was used to her mother making silly faces in the middle of the living room, because Ella just yawned and shrugged. The little girl shuffled forward until she reached Addison and wrapped her arms round her waist, leaning her head against Addison's stomach.

"Mommy, I think my tooth is almost ready to come out! I can wiggle it lots more than the other days. See?"

Ella tilted her head back and grinned, using her tongue to wiggle her left canine tooth.

" 'Ee? Ish loosh enuff, 'ight Ommy?"

At the sight of the small gap between the little girl's front teeth just as she had described to Naomi, Addison felt her breath hitch in her chest. To see the child she had dreamed about come to life, right down to the very last detail was almost more than she could bear.

"Ommmmmy! Ook! Can yoooh 'ee?"

At the drawn out exasperated tone of Ella's voice, Addison snapped back into the present. Despite her shock of what was happening, all of her instincts about the little girl in front of her kicked in...hard.

Addison cleared her throat and smiled down at the enthusiastic question.

"Yes, I see. Maybe I should just yank it out right now? You know, put it out of its misery."

"No!"

That got a response, making the little girl jump backwards. She gave Addison a horrified look as if she had suggested using rusty pliers and a straight jacket for the procedure.

"Baby, I'm just kidding," Addison exclaimed, momentarily stunned at how quickly the endearment slipped from her lips.

Ella's face immediately changed into a full fledged grin, the panic from earlier completely disappearing.

"I know," She chirped, happily and giggled when Addison's eyebrow rose.

"You...you little drama queen!" Addison said and reached out for the child, pulling her close and tickling her sides.

Ella began to laugh hysterically, wiggling around in Addison's arms. She was moving so rapidly that Addison lost her balance and they both crashed down into the plush cushions of the couch behind them. Still laughing Ella used this new position in order to try and find an escape route away from Addison's slender fingers. When she realized there was none, she did the only thing a child can do in that situation...she surrendered.

"I give up! I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry!" Ella cried out in between gasps for air and giggles.

Addison ceased her tickling and Ella curled into her side, snuggling up against her. Pulling the small girl closer to her, Addison made a contented noise in the back of her throat as she rested her head against the couch cushions. For just a moment, she was going pretend that everything that was happening was real, even though she knew she was damning her heart the second she did.

"Mommy?"

Addison cracked open an eye and peered down at Ella who was staring up at her with the same crystal blue gaze.

"Feed me."

Addison threw back her head and let out a loud laugh, "You sound just like..."

"My daddy; I know!" Ella said, rolling her eyes and hopping off the couch to skip into the kitchen.

At the casual reminder of Ella's parentage the laughter from before stuck in Addison's throat and she was forced to once again examine the predicament she was in.

It was, by any account, a perfect dream. She lived in a beautiful house, she was married to a man who clearly adored her and who, for the most part always had, and they had a beyond amazing child who was by all account happy, healthy, and emotionally secure in the knowledge that she was loved.

But as much as it sounded like a science-fiction novel, Addison was becoming more and more convinced that she was not dreaming. The emotions she was feeling and the physical sensations she was having were just too damn real to be ignored. Unfortunately so was the unrelenting notion that she just didn't belong here in this world.

But she would not say it out loud, not until she had more proof. And to do that, Addison knew she needed to talk to someone who would be open-minded but logical at the same time.

Ironically, the person she most likely would have turned to in this insane situation would probably have been Mark, but this time that idea was not an option. And while Addison rationalized that it was because he would be too biased to listen or think clearly, she ultimately had to recognize that she didn't want to tell him for more selfish reasons.

Taking another moment to run through her options she decided that there was only one other person she felt she could trust with an attempt to explain what was going on.

After calling to Ella in the kitchen that she'd be right there, she hurried into the bedroom. After a moment of searching, she located her cell phone and scrolled through the contact list.

Hitting the right number she waited, her foot tapping impatiently as she listened through the ringing on the other end. Finally after what seemed a lifetime, a confused voice answered.

"Hello? Addison? Is that you?"

Addison let out a sigh of relief and practically slumped against the bedroom door frame.

"Thank God, you picked up. I know you're busy but...I need your help. Now. Can we meet?"