"You look awful" Snow says as she enters the diner, Regina's brooding scowl meets her at the counter. The look on Snow's face says it was not what she intended to say, rather that it fell out of her mouth. Absolutely typical.
"Do you ever wonder where the Charmings got their name?" Hook asks playfully, earning a smirk from David as he brings up the rear.
"Constantly" Regina replies and turns back to her coffee for show rather than to drink it.
"Sorry, it just slipped out" Snow says. David grimaces and her eyes widen as she realises what she has said. They wait for a blistering return from Regina about saying things she shouldn't, but it never arrives.
Instead she rubs her temple. She's getting used to them, but at this time of the morning an onslaught of Charmings with that tag-along scoundrel is more than she is willing to put up with. It's 8.45 and it takes 3 minutes to walk to Archie's from the diner. She leaves and arrives at 8.47. 13 minutes early, Archie sees her anyway.
"Last night she hurt me worse than ever" she says with difficulty. Her throat is closing up as she drags the memory to the forefront of her mind. Archie listens patiently. "I couldn't move at all, I couldn't speak or defend myself"
"What would you have done if you could?" He asks
Hurt her back. Torn her clothes off there and then, kissed her hard, told her things I could never take back, things that would ruin us both. She swallows, aware Archie is watching her.
"What we always do" she says instead
"Which is?"
"Sex" she says with exasperation. He knows that. She's only just comfortable with it as long as he knows it's only frustration, anger, even hate, anything but what it is. Anything but feelings.
"Is it just sex?" He asks
We don't talk about it.
"And pain, recently" she says, feeling a jab of it in her chest, annoyingly close to her heart. He nods.
"Do you ever have agency in your dreams? Are you aware that you're dreaming?"
"I would say that I sometimes become aware. As for agency...I'm not sure"
"Some people find they can make decisions, consent, withhold consent etcetera" he says. He isn't looking at her as he says it. The implication is there and he doesn't take it further "Do you remember anything else about the dream? Where you were? What it looked like?"
She thought for a moment.
"It looked like the Rabbit Hole, but everyone was a blur. The world was grey apart from her. She was...iridescent." She was light itself and dark. She was the curse and the cure.
She hasn't touched the dagger today. She wonders if she should, staring at it through the mirror.
"What are you doing?" Robin asks
"Checking on it"
"I thought this was the safest place in Storybrooke" he says, letting more resentment slip through in his tone than he should. She turns to him. "I just think you could try moving it to another room. I think is affecting your sleep. Last night you were..."
She waits. She knows what she was. She was deeper than ever. She felt everything. She could have killed him by accident if he hadn't pinned down her hands.
"Since Emma...they've been bad but I've never seen you like that before. You were stiff as anything. You ground your teeth and at one point you grabbed your neck, I thought you were going to start clawing it. I'm worried about you"
Me too, she thinks. Then she thinks about Emma's life, the resentments she has buried so deep in exchange for love, family and acceptance. All of it will come out. If she goes after anyone it will be The Charmings. She could hurt them, and while Regina likes to pretend it wouldn't bother her in the slightest, when the curse broke Emma would never forgive herself. She has to protect the dagger.
"I can't" she says and he sags a little.
"I'm worried you'll hurt yourself" he says. Me too. "I'm worried I won't be able to stop you next time. I think I'm going to take Roland out to the forest tonight."
"You think I'll hurt him?" She asks
"No" he replies and looks sheepish. She understands. If she hurt him there might be no one left to look after Roland. She understands and she forgives him.
It's night again, so soon. It stretches out ahead of her. She tries Emma's method of meditation. She lies on her bed, head throbbing with things she doesn't want to think about and pushes it all away. A white room. She is in a white room. There is nothing to look at, nothing to touch, nothing to hear. When a thought encroaches she pushes it away. Noise is the hardest thing to block out. When Emma told her about her technique she said Cream's White Room often began playing 'because my mind can be an asshole'. Regina smiles thinking about it, then remembers Emma is not allowed in her room. She's glad she doesn't know the song. After a while she can't hear anything, can't see anything but white walls, her body relaxes and she falls into sleep.
She writhes on the bed, unaware that there is a hooded figure standing over her. Her hands scrunch into tight fists and pull the bed sheets. Her teeth are bared and she groans quietly. The figure turns away from her and looks into the mirror.
The dagger appears through it. A white hand reaches towards the glass. As the fingers touch it, it burns. The figure screams and recoils. It is gone in a second. Regina sits bolt upright, catching a flash of darkness and then it's gone.
She is at Henry's door in seconds. He is unhurt, sleeping soundly. Her heart starts to beat again and she hears distant thunder rumbling. She watches him sleep, her eyes trained on his slowly rising and falling chest while her mind reels through every possible answer for what just happened.
"Last night it was closer to the usual thing, not scary, it was in a bed" my bed "and she didn't hurt me"
"Did you have agency?"
"I don't know" a chill ran down her spine as she tried to recall what she saw when she woke. She didn't want to tell him, what if he panicked?
She didn't know if she had agency because she hadn't tried to say no. The dream was them in bed. In her bed. Light streamed through the window and Emma's hair was tied into the curly ponytail Regina would never admit she loved. So preppy, but twinned with her stupid jacket, boots and complete disregard for the rules of common courtesy, it was all Emma. Her white tank was gone in seconds and they were both down to their underwear with hands sliding over and under. Had it been a distraction? Ridiculous. For that to be the case someone would have to be controlling her dreams.
She realises she can't tell Archie about the figure. She isn't sure if it was a figment of her imagination. He seems to take the change in her dreams as making progress. She ends their session early in exchange for brooding by herself over coffee that she won't drink.
The diner bell rings as she turns to find a table. The noise barely registers but she glances at the door out of habit. The woman standing there is tall, dressed in black, skin pale and hair tied up tightly. The smash on the floor is Regina's cup and saucer.
"Hi" she smiles at her and it's the most devastating thing she could have said. Just hi, like the day they first met, when Emma appeared like a lost puppy Henry had brought home and her first instinct was to kick. That's not her instinct now. Hi.
People seem scared and relieved in equal measure. They sit in silence waiting for someone else to do something. Regina walks quickly towards her, she reaches out wanting desperately to hug her but instead she grasps her upper arms. It is really her. She smells like Emma. She feels like Emma. Her arms curl up to hold hers as she smiles. They are almost nose to nose. Regina can't take enough of her face in. Her skin is pale and her eyes are crystal clear. There's something hard about them, something sharp. They cut into her like never before.
"You're ok" Regina breathes and it's unclear if that's a question or not.
"Emma!" Other people gather around them and Regina steps back to let them. Her eyes still locked with Emma's.
Snow emerges from the bathroom behind her and her attention snaps to the doorway. She hadn't recognised the tall black boots, black coat, hair pulled back. Regina realises what looks strange about her. Her unruly curls are nowhere to be seen. So much of her happy-go-lucky charm resides in those waves, but they are gone.
"Hey mom" she says, forcing her eyes away from Regina. It doesn't sound like her, but at the same time it does. She feels the loss of Emma's gaze like a cloud rolling across the sun, the world darkens.
Snow throws herself at her after only a moment of hesitation. Emma deserves a better welcome than this. A better reception. Why weren't they ready? Snow witters away. She isn't listening. She has the distinct impression that Emma isn't either, her head keeps turning back to her.
"More coffee, Madam Mayor?" Ruby asks. Oh yes, the coffee.
"Sorry Ruby" she waves a hand and the cup and saucer appear mended on the counter, the coffee gone from the floor. "Yes please"
"Me too" says the voice that is not quite Emma. She has managed to tear herself away from the throng of people welcoming her back.
"Not hot chocolate?" Ruby smiles cheekily "on the house, with extra sprinkles?"
Regina dislikes the way she speaks to her. She dislikes that Emma doesn't dislike it. Emma wets her lips.
"Another time? Black coffee please" she says
Ruby nods "bitter" she says absentmindedly as she turns to make it. Annoyance flashes across Emma's face, missed by everyone but Regina. She watches her. She hasn't realised she's smiling. Emma is different but she's ok. She's here. She's ok.
"So what have I missed, your majesty?" She asks
Your majesty? That's different. It's not her usual tone. She's not trying to get a rise out of her, she just...said it. Her neck throbs.
"I believe Widow Lucas is getting ready to start serving seasonal pumpkin pie" she says, the corner of her mouth curling slightly as she sips her fresh coffee. Emma must know that the only thing that has concerned them all for weeks is finding her.
Emma looks at her too intently. If she were the type to blush she would be as red as Ruby's cloak by now. Her eyes graze up and down her. She glances around, no one else has noticed. Emma's tongue is playing around her lips. Regina is too warm and suddenly aware of the number of buttons on her shirt, maybe she should do up another.
"Emma!" Snow calls her back over. She slides from the counter, her eyes leaving Regina's at the last possible moment.
"Where have you been? I mean, you don't have to tell us if you don't want" Snow rambles
"I really don't know" she says, sounding more like Emma than she looks "I've been around. I don't remember"
"But you're ok?" Snow asks
Regina decides it's a stupid question and she's glad she didn't ask it.
Emma smiles in self deprecation "In a manner of speaking, I guess"
Idiots, all of them, she's the dark one, she isn't ok. She slides into the booth opposite her and texts Henry. He is on the boat with Hook today. She doesn't think it's a good idea for Him to be here but Henry deserves to know immediately.
Snow fusses over her and David beams. They are both so happy to see her that they can't see what Regina can see. There's something in her body language. Hunger, impatience. She's not herself. But she's here and she's alive and that's something. That's everything.
"Can Emma stay with us?" Henry asks
Emma is in the bathroom. Snow and David are at the counter talking animatedly to Ruby. Hook is hovering somewhere in between.
"I don't know if she wants to, Henry"
"If she does?" He asks
"There's still a lot for us to talk about"
"Because she's the Dark One? I don't think she'd hurt us"
"No, I don't either sweetheart"
"Then what is it?"
We don't talk about it. The ease of being together, the empty feeling of being apart, the magnetism we haven't addressed and never can.
"It's complicated" easily the worst excuse to give a child, she knows. Henry's going to hate it but what else can she say? 'I'm worried we'll ruin our lives if she sleeps in our house'? She imagines Emma making herself comfortable on her sofa, boots kicked off in the hall next to Henry's shoes, knocking on her bedroom door in the middle of the night. What would she do?
"Because of Robin?" He asks. She flinches. Did she say something out loud?
"What?"
He shrugs "it's complicated because of Robin, right? He stays a lot. There would be too many people in the house" of course. Roland sleeps in the guest room. Her heart rate slows back to normal.
"I wouldn't count on Snow giving her up that easily" she says, watching her pounce on her again.
Henry sighs. She's relieved, not disappointed. Not at all, she tells herself as the image of Emma in her doorway in the middle of the night fades away.
Emma is part of Operation Beard as soon as she has finished laughing at Henry for the name. She watches Regina like they are sharing an inside joke they have never discussed, but neither can deny is pretty funny. Regina doesn't laugh.
"Merlin has a beard, everyone knows that!" He says
"Well, just because it's something 'everyone knows' doesn't make it true" Regina says
Emma stops laughing.
"Another round of coffee?" David asks, getting up from his desk. The station has become their base. Henry calls in OBHQ.
"I'll take Henry home" Snow says and he leaves them reluctantly.
Hook and David head out for a run to the diner, leaving her and Emma alone for the first time since she appeared yesterday.
She can almost hear the music again. Emma is wearing a long sleeve top of black lace. She can see her black bra through it and her tight trousers show off her exact shape. She hadn't noticed the way the air crackles with tension before.
Emma steps towards her and closes the gap impossibly quickly.
"Hi" she says. Regina's heart feels like it melts all over again.
"Emma" she warns. They are far too close, far, far too...
Emma takes her hand and rubs the back of it with her thumb.
"I missed you" she says. It's simple and it hurts. The way she's looking at her hurts too. Like she can see every late night, every skipped meal, every tear shed over her in secret.
"You look like you could use some tlc" she says, her breath tickling her skin.
"Stop, it's too much. It's too…" she feels the darkness calling out to her like a siren's song. Emma's thumb brushes her cheek.
"Emma" Regina says, resisting with everything she has. This is real. Emma is the Dark One. Her boundaries are less important to her now, but for all their sakes this can't happen.
"Yes" she says, nudging Regina's nose with her own. It's intimate, cute even. Why is she resisting again? Emma leans into her. She realises they're against a wall. Her jacket is gone. Emma's hands are sliding around her waist, down her bum and pulling them closer together.
Emma hums in anticipation and Regina forgets everything.
"No" she says, but she can't remember why.
Anger flashes across Emma's face. Her lip curls nastily. For a moment Regina doesn't recognise her. That's why. She returns to neutral.
"Let me take care of you" Her hands rub down her arms. She feels her willing them to wrap around her but they don't.
"No…"
"Please, your majesty" Emma whispers. She sinks to her knees in front of her "let me help you"
Fuck, why am I saying no? There was a reason...
Emma's hands slide to the fastening of her trousers.
"I can make you happy, your majesty" Emma purrs "I'll make it better, my queen"
Regina's resistance crumbles. She grabs her wrist and pulls her up.
Emma is against the wall as their lips collide and slide between each other. Her tongue is in Emma's mouth, taking back every moment she has ever wanted to do this, every urge and need breaks free. She kisses her neck, her hands roving over soft black lace. Emma groans and it is unearthly.
"Yes" she whispers, it lingers in Regina's mind as her hand slides into the front of Emma's pants "I need you, my queen" she sighs. Regina needs it too, needs it all right now. She barely feels anything but hot and wet when the station doors squeak.
Her eyes snap open and she leaps away from Emma panting, the taste of her skin still in her mouth. Emma's hair has fallen down. She looks more like herself she has in days but her eyes are hard again. They stab and Regina remembers why it can't happen. Because Emma is the Dark One. She's not thinking like the Emma she knows and l-...cares about.
"My Lady Swan" Killian says as he enters ahead of David. Emma suppresses a scowl. Regina waves a hand and her buttons do themselves up before anyone can notice where Emma has torn her shirt open. She can still feel the grip of Emma's fingers lingering on her breasts.
"Hook" Emma replies
"You do look resplendent this evening"
"Resplendent? Did someone buy you a word of the day calendar?" Regina snaps at him. He's not even using it properly. She wants to disappear, but Emma might follow her. The safest place for her to be is around other people. Emma's eyes bore into her. She can feel them on her, all over her. Killian follows her gaze.
"I'm up for it if you are, lass"
"Up for what?" David asks, oblivious as he pulls coffee cups out of a tray.
Regina looks up and catches the full force of Emma's gaze. It is lustful, bordering on malicious.
Hook's looking far too fucking pleased with himself, imbecile that he is. Emma ignores him completely and instead turns to David, adjusting her face to show him the face of the daughter he wants to see. Regina isn't even listening to what they're saying. She can't believe the change in her. Her heart is still beating against its cage, and her nipples are hard and straining against her bra, uncomfortably.
"I have to go" Regina says, sick at what she's realising about Emma's behaviour towards her. She is being who everyone wants her to be. What does that say about her?
Emma's lip twitches in irritation. She's good at pretending, Regina thinks, but not good enough. She has years of this on Emma. She should have seen it sooner. Who was she kidding? She had seen it, she just chose not to deal with it.
"Regina" Emma says in her daughter voice "do you have to?" She sounds so like her, she looks so like her, but she isn't her.
"Yes" she replies before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
She appears again in her room, rubs her head and looks in the mirror. At least she doesn't look like she has just been ravaged, even if she feels like it. The noise of Henry playing video games downstairs reassures her. She wonders if Emma tried to follow her here. A bang on the door answers her question almost before it occurred to her.
"Regina!" Emma shouts from outside.
"Ma?" Henry calls back
"Henry! Let me in, I need to talk to your mom!"
"I don't think she's here" he shouts back, obviously doing very well on his computer game if he hasn't gotten up to let her in. Regina smiles gratefully at this one impoliteness that she hasn't managed to stamp out yet.
"She is! Please let me in...kid" she says as if she has just remembered that is what she calls him. The game pauses but Regina is already in the hallway.
"I've got it, Henry" she says calmly.
"Is everything ok?" He asks. She doesn't know.
"I'm not sure, but it will be"
"Regina!" Emma bangs again as Henry closes the living room door. The whole house seems to shake. The protective spell on the house works then, she thinks. And the reinforcements she added after last night's scare are holding up nicely.
"Are you trying to break down my door, Swan?" She asks, unlocking it from the inside
"Yes! We need to talk"
She opens the door and Emma immediately tries to step inside but is thrown backwards by a powerful magical barrier.
"Fuck!" She stumbles off the step and Regina steps out, closing the door behind her.
"What would you like to talk about?" She asks, folding her hands calmly in front of her. A mask for the tumultuous, conflicting rushes of emotion in her chest. She's not Emma, she's not Emma.
"Why don't we start with fucking in the sheriff's office?"
"Your office" Regina corrects
"Y-yeah" she agrees with a frown.
"Yes that seems like a good place to start" Regina says "that's not going to happen again"
Her mouth falls open and for a moment she's just Emma. There's hurt in her eyes and disappointment that Regina hasn't seen in...well a long time. For a moment the barricade around her is breached and Emma Swan is standing in front of her.
"Why?" She asks
Because you impulsive, handsy idiot, I care too much about you to ruin everything now.
"Well, you have Hook for one. I have Robin" she says, remembering him for the first time this evening "you and I are...not meant to be and I don't want to fight again, for Henry's sake. It won't work, we both know that"
She looks up and Emma is gone again, replaced by her dark counterpart.
"So not because you don't want to?" She asks. Regina cocks an eyebrow but doesn't reply otherwise. Emma steps towards her slowly stalking her like a hunting predator.
"Not because you don't like me. Not because you don't want it. Not because you don't desperately need it" she's pretty close, close enough to kiss. She does need it, but she can't have it.
"It is not going to happen again" Regina says. She suddenly becomes aware of the stickiness on her fingers. Emma sighs and her breath brushes the side of Regina's face. She looks tired.
"Can I at least come in? It's Saturday right, so it's lasagne night?"
"I'm not cooking tonight" Regina says. She has hardly cooked since...
Emma's teeth grind.
"Good night, Miss Swan" Regina replies and turns on her heel
"This is some fucking welcome home" Emma follows her "you owe me, Regina!" She stomps the edge of Regina's stride. When she hits the invisible barrier again she cries out in frustration and is forced back.
"You haven't changed! You still use people! You're a fraud and a fucking hypocrite!" She shouts.
"Go home, Emma" Regina says, slamming the door.
Emma's chest heaves and Regina can feel her pace for a moment before she leaves. She slides down the inside of the door and brings her knees up to her chest. She knows she was angry and saying it to rile her, but every swipe connected.
"Mom?" Henry sits down beside her and puts his arm around her shoulders.
"You are getting far too big for my liking" she says "who are you? What have you done with my little prince?"
"He's gone, now you've just got me"
"I suppose you'll do" she says "just until forever"
He squeezes her tightly and doesn't mention the little drips of water turning spots on her shirt darker red.
Regina faces bed with no liquor tonight. If she's going to do this dance with Emma she needs to be sharp in the morning. When sleep comes it is not the restful kind. It's a memory she is reliving. They are in the author's house, in the library.
"What is it?" she asks
"You know what it is" Emma mumbles. She sighs and puts the book of blank pages down.
"Emma"
"No, I know. We're not doing this" she says without looking up.
"Emma"
"I just don't like the way he is with you. It's not about me...us, it's about him. Why does he have to be like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like" Emma waves her hands in front of her in frustration "physical". Regina's eyebrow quirks in question. "Constricting, he can't leave you alone, like, you can't just express your completely understandable frustration and throw a useless book on the floor without him clamping down on you. I feel like I can't breathe looking at you together"
Regina's heart aches. But he's supposed to be her soulmate. She can't feel this way about Emma.
Emma's mouth twists to the side like she said too much. She did. She said far too much and that's another thing they can't take back, can't forget. She sits on the arm of Emma's chair, looking down into pools of hurt and something else. Tenderness? Sometimes she looks so like Henry it breaks her heart. She touches her chin and tilts her face up.
"You're important to me" she says. That's as far as she can go. Anything else would be too much to take back. She might overflow. She might say everything and ruin...everything. Emma's eyes shine with unshed tears.
"Yeah" she whispers "me too" She takes the hand from her chin. Regina should pull it back, but she doesn't. Can't. Emma's fingers trace hers gently, slide over her knuckles, around her palm as if memorising every detail.
She almost shivers. No one has ever been as careful with her, like she's precious. Her skin tingles. Emma turns her hand over and squeezes it gently. She doesn't remember the last time she felt so sad. Emma lets go and stands abruptly.
"I should go" she says
"I thought you wanted to look for something to help us" Regina says, standing too.
"I think I'll come back and look by myself" she tucks her hands into her back pockets and stares at her feet.
"Oh" Regina understands, she just doesn't want to be around her. "No I'll go. I should…" see Robin? Whatever she was going to say, she doesn't. Emma knows anyway and nods. She waits a moment longer but she doesn't look up.
Regina disappears home in a cloud of purple smoke. She isn't concentrating and ends up outside of her house. It's raining.
"Damn" she says and poofs back for her coat. "Sorry, I forgot my...Emma?"
Emma's arms are over her face as she stands facing the ceiling. "I'm fine" She says behind her elbows, though her voice shakes.
Regina is with her in a second. What can she say? She knows why she's crying. She feels the same wrenching pain she feels when Henry cries. Like she would do anything to stop it.
She does the only thing she can and pulls Emma into a hug. For a moment she is scared she'll push her away, but the moment their bodies touch she collapses into her. Her breathing is juddering through them both. Her arms pull them tight together.
She knows what happens next. They both go back to the manson. She spends the night cooking dinner for her family and watching them verbally abuse each other while they play video games. But that's not what happens here, in her mind, in her dream.
"Thank you" Emma says pulling away. She presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth, almost her cheek but not quite. Regina turns into it without thinking. Her nose brushes Emma's tear streaked face.
Emma holds her breath. It's a dream, what does it matter? Fuck it. Regina kisses her and Emma breathes again, breathes her in. At first it is slow, searching. Emma moans gently into her mouth, somewhere between bliss and torture. She is light headed, dizzy. Their kisses grow fierce, forceful and hungry, giving and taking from each other in equal measure. Regina pulls at her jeans. The button pops and zip slides down in one motion, like she has done this a thousand times before. She might have thought about it a thousand times before. Her fingers find her way into Emma's pants again and the kissing stops. Emma gasps for air, holding her tightly.
"Oh my god" She says as she every nerve in her body fizzes with energy. Emma pulls at her clothes, strains away from her, she kisses her neck as she jerks against the wall that she didn't realise they were against.
It's too much, everything is too much. Their years of pent up frustration and emotion, all the things that have happened to them, everything they have done to each other overwhelms them.
Emma is shaking, crying out her name, holding her tight enough to bruise her skin. Her body is against her and it's too much to handle. She realises Emma is wearing the black lace top from earlier. It sends a shock right through her that ends between her legs like every other noise escaping Emma's lips and every jerk of her volatile body.
They are kissing again and it hurts and cleanses like fire. Emma's nails scratch down her back, she barely registers that her top is gone. Her teeth bite and scrape while her tongue and lips kiss it better. Emma isn't even touching her intimately but enough of this and she could probably come without it.
They are on the floor, Emma on top of her, her hand around her throat and suddenly she's scared. This feels familiar. Is it Emma on top of her?
Emma smiles and says softly "is this what you want, your majesty? Do you want me now I'm dark and twisted?" Her voice is sing-songy, almost playful if it didn't come with bared teeth and hard eyes. Regina's skin hurts like needles.
"Remember, your majesty, all magic comes with a price" she smiles and her teeth look sharp. Her face and voice turn sour "And this check was meant for you"
Regina feels herself ripped open as Emma's hand plunges into her chest and closes around her heart.
She sits up, shaking, sweating, panting and clasping her chest. It's still there, she can feel it. It hurts too much to be anywhere but in her chest. The pain is her answer, reassurance and burden.
Lightning flashes outside, followed by thunder that shakes the whole house.