Chapter 2

The afternoon sun made a pool of light where it shone through the open doorway. Shinji's hospital room opened out into the familiar window-lined hallway. The sunlight and the sheets covering him seemed to dispel the usual chill of the hospital atmosphere.

No... it's not that.

It's the circumstances. I'm finally in a place that's familiar.

Shinji stared at the blank hospital ceiling, trying to make sense of what was happening to him.

I'm remembering a past life. I've already lived through all of this.

It was difficult to put it all together, but this much he knew. The memories almost seemed out of order at times. Maybe he wasn't remembering all of it. But what he had just gone through, he knew that was different from... what he remembered. He had done better. He smiled slightly.

Of course I did better. I'm not some rookie pilot any more, like the first time I was here.

He had defeated or survived all the Angels already. This was a priceless opportunity. He was repeating his life. He didn't know how, and he didn't know why, but he would definitely take advantage of this. His smile faded, as he continued thinking. He didn't remember everything, but he knew that he had been extremely lucky during a few of his previous battles. Perhaps even foreknowledge would not help, if luck happened to fail him this time through.

I seem to remember fighting that first Angel... atleast three times now. Have I already died more than once?

And yet here he was. He wondered at this. If he died, did everything start over? He remembered waiting for Misato. She was always late. He had definitely been to that point in time more than twice. But everything before that was... more solid. Regular memories.

Do I always return to that spot if I die?

If so, then that was even better. He'd be able to methodically work his way forward, eventually getting everything perfect.

But I don't really know anything for sure. What if it all stops resetting? What if I die, thinking everything will reset, and it doesn't?

I can't count on resetting. I'll have to try to do better, and if I happen to die, I can only hope that it isn't permanent.

He chuckled at that. This had to be the strangest mental trail he'd ever been down. 'What if death is not permanent' sounded like a philosophical question. To him, it was something that he would need to learn. Would undoubtedly learn.

He wasn't foolish enough to think he'd keep going through Angels unscathed. He was good, but he wasn't blind. For one thing, he always seemed to be rescued by his Eva going berserk. And that was always preceded by strong emotion. But, if he looked at everything calmly, knowing what was coming, the emotion would be different. He realized with a cold fear that he really would have to get better, and he'd have to get better fast. A better Eva pilot.

As the afternoon shadows lengthened, he turned slightly morose. Piloting the Eva caused him such pain. Pain when Eva went berserk, when he was jolted by sudden flashes and images. The heart-ache of remembering his lost mother. The regular pains of battle when the enemy damaged his Eva. Yet...

Flashback

The distant explosions and gunfire drew closer as the invading JSSDF forces penetrated deeper into NERV HQ. Misato's lips pressed into Shinji's, urgency, tenderness, and sorrow mixed in equal parts. Her tongue pushed into his mouth, and it met no resistance. And yet he didn't respond. He didn't accept the kiss, but neither did he stiffen and try to push her away. He could only think of Rei, and her dark and frightening secret. Asuka's deep depression, and how he was unable to help her. And the base, his home, that was being torn apart around him. She slowly pulled away.

"That was an adult kiss." she said, her hand on his shoulder. "When you get back, we'll do the rest..."

He looked at her, momentarily frozen as she pulled the gate closed, sealing him into the elevator that would take him to his Eva.

I'm useless...

He sank to the floor and lowered his head, tears dripping down to his chin.

End Flashback

His cheeks were slightly tinged with red at that memory. He briefly wished he could convince her somehow of what was happening, so that maybe she would remember, and... He turned over on his side, embarrassed at where those thoughts led.

I'm a damned pervert.

He had masturbated to Asuka's sleeping form. And now he had just wished he could convince his former guardian that in the heat of a final battle, she'd made a pledge to... what? To have sex with him?

What kind of a person am I? Why am I like this?

He hadn't been able to save Misato, back then. Hadn't been able to save anyone. Not even Asuka, the one he'd specifically been sent out to rescue.

Asuka...

Flashback

...Asuka's hand caressed his face, snapping him out of his emotional turmoil. He let his hands drop from her neck, tears in his eyes, realizing what he'd done, what he'd been about to do. His shoulders shook, and tears fell on her face as he bent over her supine form, overcome with grief. The shore that stretched out before them was lit a dull amber by the sea of humanity.

"You disgust me..." she whispered.

End Flashback

This section of the city was a picture of devastation from the recent battle between the third Angel and Unit-01. Buildings had holes punched into them, the street was gouged up, and large pieces of the ubiquitous shatter-proof armored glass were everywhere. The day was hot and humid, a gift of the permanent summer inflicted on the world after Second Impact, and even the shade offered little respite from the cloying heat. Misato sat in the hastily erected tent that served as a break area for the NERV personnel conducting cleanup after Unit-01 went berzerk. She fanned herself as she flipped through the different news channels on the small TV that had been set up on an empty packing crate.

"Huhh, public scenario B-22, just like we thought. So we're covering up the truth again?"

"Well, atleast the P.R. people are happy..." Ritsuko answered from the other side of the tent, taking off the helmet of her hazmat suit. "They've finally got something to do."

"We're being pretty casual about it."

"I don't think so. Actually I think we're all pretty scared."

"Why?" Misato asked. "You saw Shinji out there. He killed that Angel like he'd been doing it his whole life. How did he know to activate his prog-knife with no prior training? How did he know that the Angel's heart was its weakness? How did he even know where the heart was?"

Ritsuko raised her eyebrows. "Wow. Pretty scientific of you. Those are well thought-out questions."

Misato turned on her, "Hey, don't make fun of me! I'm not some bimbo! Just cause I can stay cheerful, when all you can do is mope...!"

Ritsuko almost cracked up, raising a hand to cover her mouth. "You make it so fun to tease you, though."

Shinji stood in the hallway outside his hospital room, his hand on the window as he stared blankly out over the landscape. He turned at the distant clank of a door, and watched as a nurse wheeled an ICU bed through the door. The bed slowly rolled down the hall in his direction, but he already knew who rested on it. Light blue hair. Red eyes. Eyes which locked with his own as the bed passed him. Recognition flared between them.

Flashback

Rei sat in her plug seat, confusion evident on her porcelain features as she looked at Shinji's tearful, happy face.

"I'm very sorry, I don't know what I should do or feel at a time like this."

Shinji looked up at her, too relieved to hold back his emotions.

"Why don't you just try smiling..."

A look of surprise crossed her face. She obviously had not expected that answer. Slowly the corners of her mouth came upward. The smile then became genuine, and spread to her eyes.

End Flashback

"Ayanami..." he whispered.

Memories came back to him. Fighting alongside her against the fifth Angel. Talking with her while riding on the train to HQ. She had been his friend. He had considered this a priceless opportunity earlier. Now he wasn't so sure. All the people with whom he had developed friendships no longer knew him. He lowered his head as she was wheeled into the distance. It was difficult for him to make friends, and he didn't know if he could go through it all again. Maybe it would be easier this time. Perhaps knowing more about the people around him would help. Or would the foreknowledge only make things worse?

He sighed, turning back to a less painful issue. The Angels. Who was the real enemy? He had fought against the Angels, who had always tried to kill him. The Angels were trying to kill everybody, not just him. By causing Third Impact. Yet, in the end, it was humanity that had initiated Third Impact. Would initiate Third Impact. If that was what his memories of the amber seas really meant.

Misato leaned back in the cab of the massive transport, blissfully unaware, as it drove along on autopilot. "Man, air conditioning's the greatest thing! Man's triumph over nature!"

Ritsuko set the phone receiver back down in its receptacle on the dashboard. "Shinji's finally woken up."

"...and... how is he?" Misato's voice carried an undisguised sense of worry.

"Well, his memory seems a bit muddled, but..."

Misato turned in alarm. "You don't think it could be contamination do you?"

"I don't think we should worry."

"Really?" She sat back again, "You're right. He did have a pretty hectic day."

"Poor little kid. His cerubellum must've taken a lot of stress."

Misato smirked, looking sideways at her companion. "Cerubellum... heh, don't you mean his heart?" Even with how little she knew of Shinji, it was obvious that he was very emotionally fragile. He seemed to take everything personally, and he always worried about what others would think about his words or actions. Maybe it was because she saw a little of herself in the boy, but she didn't like seeing him get hurt.

Rei closed her eyes as she was wheeled down the hallway past Shinji. She had been in her plug-suit one moment, being wheeled back to her hospital room after Shinji agreed to pilot, and then everything had gone black. After that, she had once again found herself back in the hospital bed, and not in her plug suit. She could only assume that events had reset again.

This time, Shinji apparently agreed to pilot the Eva earlier, because moments after the Commander woke her to pilot Unit-01, he called back, telling her it wasn't necessary. This seemed to indicate that Shinji Ikari was aware of the time-loop as well, but she could not afford to make assumptions.

Misato stood by the transport, watching as the massive rifle and consequently large ammunition was unloaded into one of the many weapon buildings scattered throughout Tokyo-3.

"If Eva and this city both operate at their full potential, we might make it through this."

"You're such an optimist." Ritsuko interjected, from where she sat in the cab.

"Hey. Sometimes ya need a little wishful thinking just to keep on living..."

"I see your point. It is nice to hear a positive attitude every once in a while. I'll see you later."

"...uh-kay. See ya."

Shinji sat in the NERV hospital's cavernous waiting room. The nurse had told him that they had contacted Misato, and that she was on her way. He was lost in thought, and didn't notice when she walked up. When he looked over, she had a strange expression on her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Uhh, oh, nothing, I guess." She obviously had not expected him to speak. "You were so quiet, I... didn't want to disturb you. The battle must have been kind of traumatizing."

"Just... thinking," he said. Then he kind of smirked, "did it... look like the battle was traumatizing?"

She smiled, obviously relieved that he was mentally okay. "For the Angel, maybe. Come on, let's get your paperwork filled out."

He got up and followed her.

"He'll be living alone??" Neither Misato's surprised exclamation, nor the stunning view were enough to break Shinji from his thoughts. He and Misato were standing on a see-through panel more than a dozen meters to a side, the panorama of NERV headquarters spread out kilometers below them. They were discussing his living arrangements with another NERV employee.

"That's right," the man said. "His room will be on the sixth block beyond this one. Is that alright?"

"Yes sir." Shinji answered.

"Shinji... are you sure about that?" She asked, turning to face him.

In truth, he wasn't completely sure what he wanted. Misato was kind, but he had never been entirely comfortable around other people. Maybe things would be better if he lived alone. She had teased him mercilessly. And then there was Asuka. He... just didn't know. On the one hand, with more contact, maybe he would learn to get along better. Then again, with all the confusion, he really just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. That this conflicted with his need to be acknowledged didn't help his mental state. Nor did it help that he, alone, seemed to have memories of going through all of this before. He had not yet seen any evidence that anyone else kept their memories whenever he traveled back.

"Living alone is... fine with me. I'm alone anyway..."

"What did you say??" Ritsuko's voice was clearly audible through the phone Misato held, and it sounded as if she was about to bust a blood vessel.

"You heard me. I said I'll be taking Shinji home to live at my place, okay?" Shinji stood by, not quite sure what to do, and unwilling to go against Misato's wishes.

"It's already been approved. And don't worry... I won't be making any passes at him!" she said teasingly, immediately holding the phone further away from her ear, closing one eye and squinting at the increase in volume,

"...of COURSE you're not!!" Ritsuko's voice screeched. "How could you even think of such things?! You've got no shame at all!"

"Some people don't have any sense of humor..." Misato murmured. Ironic that the woman enjoyed teasing her, but didn't know how to deal with it herself. Ritsuko was still yammering indignantly as Misato set the receiver down in its cradle.

Night had fallen, but the city still looked incomplete. The main towers and skyscrapers of Tokyo-3 were still resting inside the Geofront, the damage to the city having been too great to immediately bring them back out after the battle. The car was silent as Misato drove away from NERVE HQ. As usual. Shinji glanced over at her out of the corner of his eye. Misato had usually (if she wasn't teasing him) respected his silence, and didn't try to engage in small talk. Or perhaps it was something more. Over his time living as her roommate, he had seen that her private life and public life were completely different. Sometimes he noticed that she wasn't her usual exuberant self. He had often thought that at times her cheerfulness seemed a little forced. He really didn't know that much about her, and he was surprised to find that he was curious. Despite that, he didn't know how to talk to her without making himself look... what?

Why am I embarrassed to talk to her? Why am I embarrassed to talk to anybody?

I never know what to say. I'm... always afraid I'll say the wrong thing. I'm afraid of what people will think of me.

But... I'm in a time loop. I can change things if I mess up.

He sighed inwardly.

Yeah, and I'd have to kill myself to do it.

Well, actually, he did know one subject that he was curious about, and that would give him a chance to talk with her.

"Misato, I have... kind of a hypothetical question."

"Yeah? What's that?" she responded cheerfully.

"If... you found yourself repeating your life, what would you do?"

"Wow, that's an unusual question..." she paused. She had already tried to engage him in small talk earlier, and ran into the Stone Wall of Shinji Silence, combined with his usual blushes of embarrassment whenever she unwittingly said something that apparently had some secret meaning to him and him alone. She knew he was introverted and quiet, so the question surprised her. She hesitated to ask why he had brought it up, fearing that he'd turn embarrassed again and clam up. "There's... I suppose there's a few things I'd change." I know one thing I'd change. Kaji. She found herself getting angry and slightly embarrassed at the memories that brought up. Ah, screw it. "I guess the answer isn't that simple," she said with a smile. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, umm..." damn it, I should've known that she'd think the question was weird. He had no idea what to say.

Misato grimaced. Oh well, I've shut him up after all. I wish I had a look inside his head to see how it ticks.

"I didn't mean to embarrass you," she tried to reassure him. "I mean, you have to admit, it's not a question you hear everyday."

"No, it's okay, you're right."

It's probably for the best anyway. Talking with the Operations Director of NERV about a time loop will only guarantee two things. The looney bin, or a bunch of tests. I don't want either of those things.

She smiled at him, then turned her head back to the road. "Shinji, if you remember those words, you'll definitely have good luck with women."

Hah. Not with Asuka, he thought.

As they drove on, he wished, not for the first time, that there was someone he could talk to about the time-loop. But what would he say? He had a hard enough time trying to figure out what was happening inside his own head.

"Well, I guess we have to have a party tonight, huh?" Misato said some time later, as they drove through a part of town he recognized.

"Uh? Oh, I... I guess so."

"Well, I have to give a proper welcome to my new roommate, right?"

They pulled up to a convenience store and, despite his fractured state of his mind, he recalled belatedly that in this case, a party just meant there were more flavors of instant food to choose from. As Misato went into the store, he tugged her sleeve.

"Yeah?" she said, turning back to him.

"Umm, I can cook, you know. But it's kind of hard to work with only instant. You think we could get some other stuff as well?"

"Wow! I had no idea!" Misato exclaimed. "A male cook, eh? Maybe you're quite the catch after all!"

He blushed slightly, then crossed his arms and retorted, "If you try anything, I'll just have to tell Ritsuko. She didn't sound too happy on the phone..."

He was pleased to see a few strands of hair at the top of her head stand up straight as a kind of horrified expression flashed across her face.

"Geez, you play hardball, don't you..." she muttered out of the side of her mouth. "Sure, we can do that. In fact," she pulled out several bills, "isn't there a food market right next door to this store? You can go there while I shop here." I'm gonna have to be more careful around him. His wit is sharper than I thought. When he decides to use it, that is...

"Oh. Okay."

He was atleast able to put some vegetables and spices into the different instant packages she cooked, so there was some substance to the meal. He also surreptitiously added more water when she wasn't looking, knowing her 'secret' to 'better tasting' instant food. He figured the extra spices and flavor would make up for it. He had no idea why she preferred the instant food to have a sludge-like consistency, but he assumed she was trying to make it more concentrated. The solution to that was to add more spices, not use less water.

With it all laid out on the table, she raised her arms in happiness, "Alright! Let's dig in!" He watched in consternation as she began shoveling it into her mouth, making her usual happy noises as she ate. He sighed.

It's almost like my cooking is wasted on someone who eats like that.

Oh well, atleast she would be getting more nutrition his way. He would have to be satisfied with that. He ate in a more sedate manner.

"Wow, you really do know how to make it taste good, don't you?" she said happily.

"You just have to put in the right spices. And a little real food mixed in doesn't hurt."

"Aww, it's so much easier my way though... It seems like I never have enough time," she temporized.

"Come on, Misato. Don't make excuses. I don't mind that you're lazy. I've already agreed to clean the place up, right?" The sheer level of garbage scattered about was surprising, even with his previous memories. It almost reminded him of... of Rei's apartment. Atleast she had kind of an excuse, living in such a poor section of town. "I'm not asking you to do it all yourself, just help a little."

She got a huffy expression, reaching over and pushing on the top of his head, "Hey, just what're you trying to say??"

"I'm not trying to say anything. Face it, you're a lazy slob when you're at home," he said, squirming, trying to relieve the pressure on his head. "Hey! No need to get mad, you're quite professional on the job. That's good, right?"

"Hmph!" she sat back down onto her seat, crossing her arms and looking to the side. Well, he was right, she had to admit.

At this rate, I'm going to be an old maid.

But how had he pegged her so cleanly? He had only seen her for a day at most. She decided to put it down to excellent observation skills.

With supper through and Misato having successfully foisted off most of the chores on him, Shinji lay on his bed listening to his SDAT.

"Atleast the ceiling is familiar..."

As he lay there thinking, he remembered the question he had asked himself the last time around after defeating the third Angel.

Why am I here?

He sighed. The question had a different meaning for him now.

The Angel's energy lance slammed him back into the launch chamber. He could feel Unit-01 shutting down as he entered his mother's embrace. An indeterminate time later, he awoke, alone, on the beach.

alone...

no, hadn't there been someone else there?

"...idiot Shinji!"

"Asuka..."

How many times had he awoken on the beach? If the Angels defeated him, here he was... If he defeated the Angels, here he was.

"Maybe I really am unnecessary..."

What's my purpose? To endlessly face the Angels? Or is there even a purpose...

Is any of this even real?

He was reminded of how he had imagined and created worlds during Instrumentality.

Could... this be one of those?

No, he remembered the dead feeling of those creations. This was real.

Then... what's happening? How is this even possible?

After several minutes of frustration, he turned over on his side. He was unable to find any satisfactory answers, but atleast he could, hopefully, find sleep. As he rested, waiting for his mind to settle down, he couldn't help but think that something was missing.

Flashback

"Shinji... can I come in?" He tensed as he heard the door to his room slide open, then relaxed moments later when he realized it was Misato. "I forgot to tell you something. You did something very good, and very noble today. You should... be proud. Good night, Shinji. ...Hang in there."

End Flashback

Misato had not given him that encouragement this time. Perhaps it was because he had defeated the Angel without problems. After all, he had shown potential above and beyond what he'd shown the previous time through. Or maybe it was because he had been slightly more open in conversation with her. He kind of missed the small gesture, and the comfort it brought. As the rhythmic sound of Cicadas filled the night air, he again felt a wave of loneliness sweep over him.