Left Behind; The Expose Continues
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"Paster Bruce Barnes, thanks for taking the time to speak with me." said Jenkins. "It's nice to be here with you", said Bruce. "Let me ask you first, is it true that you only found your true faith after the dissapearances, or the rapture as many would say?" asked Jenkins. "Yes, unfortunately that is true. I lived a lie for many years. But no more. Now I am a true servant of God, bending every which way to His will!" said Bruce. "Mm, er, I suppose people need good spiritual leaders now more than ever, wouldn't you say, Pastor?" said Jenkins. "Oh, definitely. Definitely. Totally. And I'm totally devoted now, because I am done living a lie! I'm married to God now. In a totally non... uh, non... you know. A non-SIN-ful way!" said Bruce. "Is there a sinful way to be married to God?" asked Jenkins.
"Well, no, but if there was one then it'd be a gay thing. That's something that troubles me - hom... homo-you-know unions. In fact it makes my hair stand on end and my teeth chatter in terror just to think that there may be one anywhere between anyone, at any time!!" said Bruce, and he shuddered. "But then when I think of a nice, heterosexual union it calms me right now and brings a smile right to my heart." said Bruce.
"That's great, Pastor. You know, when I spoke with Buck, he suggested prayer could resolve any sort of personal issues over relationships." said Jenkins. "That's easy for him to say, he doesn't have any sexual feelings! I mean, wait, I'm a heterosexual. What are we talking about? I'm a real Pastor now. My, it's sunny today. Do you have any other questions for me?" said Bruce.
"Well, um, yes, yes I do. For a start, how do you feel about these difficult times? The bible's verses tell of very dark days involving plague, pestulence, wrath from heaven... as a man of faith, do you feel prepared to cope with it all?" asked Jenkins. Bruce paused. "Well, now that you mention it, there's gonna be some really rough times ahead, but... I mean, yeah, it's gonna be pretty intense. Actually, it's gonna be completely insane! None of us are gonna make it! Holy crap!" said Bruce. "Then you are worried about the future?" asked Jenkins. "Wouldn't you be?! But.... but whatever happens, I accept it. If I die, then that's cool. As God wants it, that's what Buck would say." said Bruce.
"Well, the people of this community must be relieved to have you to turn to as a leader." said Jenkins. Bruce sighed. "Actually, I feel like I'm always playing second fiddle to Buck and Rayford. Mostly to Buck. The dude just thinks he can do everything better than everybody. Gets on my nerves. I mean, he *would* get on my nerves IF he weren't such a great guy that is! Hahaha!" said Bruce. "Well, I'm sure Buck doesn't know how to give a sermon as well as you, Pastor. Do you feel a new passion for what you do?" asked Jenkins. "Actually, no, but I'm teaching honestly now. Still, old Buck thinks he can do it better. You know, you should have seen me preachin' back in the day, I'd have mopped the floor with that big-suit wearing, non-reacting doofus at my peak." said Bruce. "I see, you were good at what you did. Well, it's been a pleasure talking with you for this little while..." said Jenkins.
"I was damn good, I was the best! People came from out of state to see my damn sermons, I was on fire!" said Bruce. "Ok, Pastor Bruce, I think I've got all I need for today, thank you for your time." said Jenkins.
"I was -- oh, oh, yeah, ok. Well, have a pleasant d-HOH GOD!!" said Bruce, suddenly dropping to his knees in agony. "Pastor?! Pastor, are you alright?" asked Jenkins. "Uugh, it's my hernia again. I-I'll be alright. I'm ok." gasped Bruce.
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Jeremiah Jenkins stood in the U.N. building, just outside the office of Nicolae Carpathia. He was about to interview Hattie Durham, who stood before him grinning with gleaming white teeth.
"Miss Durham! It's a pleasure to speak with you today. As you know I've been interviewing several people to try to get perspectives on these turbulent times. Now I would like to get your unique perspective." said Jenkins. "The pleasure's all mine, Mr. Jenkins. Are you comfortable?", said Hattie. "I'm fine, thank you. Can you tell me, what were your initial thoughts on the vanishings?" asked Jenkins. "Well, like everybody else, I was terrified, I was confused, like everyone I was begging Rayford, 'Stay with me, Rayford, I need you!'. But of course, Rayford only ever strings you along and then runs home to Mrs. Freeze. Maybe if she thumped something other than a bible she could keep her man in line." said Hattie. "Uhh... I'm not sure that's exactly how EVERYONE reacted..." said Jenkins. "The point is, thank goodness Nicolae stepped in to give us comfort and assurance!" said Hattie. "So you are convinced that under Nicolae Carpathia's leadership, the worst is over?" asked Jenkins. "Yes, of course. I feel totally at ease under the shadow of his omenous presence and I'm sure that after the 7 years of peace he's promised ends, things will only get even better." said Hattie.
"Hm. Now, you just recently got this job at the U.N., correct?" asked Jenkins. "That's correct. I'm so delighted to move up in my career, I was tired of being a flight attendant." said Hattie. "Can you tell me how your career change occured exactly?" asked Jenkins. "Well, you know, I was putting in applications at a lot of places. Firms. Department stores. Denny's. The U.N. But it was good old Buck Williams who finally got one of my applications accepted. All he had to do was send a letter of reccomendation, and as soon as Nicolae saw it along with the photo I sent of myself, I got the job." said Hattie. "So you credit Buck Williams with getting you this position at the United Nations?", said Jenkins. "Of course! Buck's opinion is immensely influental, but everybody knows that." said Hattie.
"Sure. Miss Durham, since the vanishings, many people have felt compelled towards new or greater spiritual faith. Have you found..." Jenkens began to ask. "No I haven't! Now, look here, all of this crap has nothing to do with the book of Revelation, ok?! Let's just get that straight. Nicolae's a saint, and when he starts putting the mark of the beast on people I say more power to him, and I hope Rayford gets '666' branded right on his fat head! I mean... excuse me, I really have to run some business errands now. Nicolae needs bullets. I mean paperclips! Paperclips. " said Hattie. She smiled pleasantly and darted off.
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"Mr. Carpathia, I'm grateful to get a moment of your time." said Jenkins, inside Nicolae's office. "Certainly! It is my pleasure. Please, I ask that you call me Nicolae. Everyone does." said Nicolae. "Oh, ok. So, Nicolae, I wanted to start out by asking how someone so blatantly evil could so easily persaude people to embrace and follow him." said Jenkins.
"Ah, well, it is an interesting question. You see -- wait a second! I am not evil." said Nicolae. "Really, now, just between us." said Jenkins. "Bwahahahahaha! Me? Evil? Is preposterous." said Nicolae. "Oh, come on." said Jenkins. "I AM NOT EVIL!!!" roared Nicolae, flames coming out of his nose.
"Ok. Fine, then. How do you get people to follow you?" said Jenkins. "I am a saint, I am the opposite of evil, that's how! People look at me and they see the purity and goodness dripping off me like slime! That's how! When I sneer, when I leer, the shine of salvation beams off my face and as I work tirelessly to conquer their world and their souls they say to themselves, 'Nicolae, Nicolae -- always, they call me Nicolae -- you alone we can trust, you alone in this chaotic world! Your presence is so strong, your leadership so tight! Where the fuck did you come from?' No one will ask because I am too awesome. My Anthony-Michael-Hall-esque handsomeness adds more to my blackhearted goodness. " said Nicolae. He was sitting behind his desk with his feet propped up, leaning back with his hands behind his head.
"Hmm, let's move on for now. Where DID you come from exactly?" said Jenkins. "Huh? Oh, uh, it was, uh..." said Nicolae, reaching for some papers on his desk and rifling through them. "It was, uh, Transylvania, I think. No, wait, that is not correct. I mean to say Scotland, no wait, Russia, that was it. Shit! I meant Romania! Romania, that was the one." said Nicolae. "Are you sure?" asked Jenkins. "Well, really, I'm from Jersey." said Nicolae, dropping his accent momentarily. "Ah, well, that makes sense. Ok, is all this ever increasing power daunting to you?" Jenkins asked. "It is very tremendous responsibility, of course, I can only hope that my supernatural powers of evil - that is to say, GOOD - that is to say, I have no supernatural powers -er, that my humble efforts will pacify the feeble masses with their puny, puny minds. Do you have any other questions for me today?" said Nicoale.
"Yes. How did you get people to swallow your explaination of the dissapearances? That whole 'nuclear radiation' business? I mean COME ON!" said Jenkins. "I have no idea what you are speaking about. That explaination is airtight." said Nicolae. "Airtight?! So is there any kind of indepth elaboration you can give folks on that?" asked Jenkins. "Oh, for goodness sake! Do you remember the time that giant ants took over the earth, or when huge tomatoes wrecked havoc? This was the radiation. Everything is some kind of radiation. It just works. Next question." said Nicolae.
"Have you heard any of these rumors that you are, well, the anti-Christ?" said Jenkins. Nicolae waved his hand dismissively. "Rubbish." he said. "Do you plan to address the issue publically?" Jenkins asked. "Oh, ha ha ha, I'll address it... ahahBHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Er, after I am through my mourning period for my good friends Seagul and Coffin, or whatever those two jackwits' names were, you know the two. But eventually everyone will unite with me and see my goodness personally. And moving along..." said Nicolae.
"I heard your middle name is 'Jetty'." said Jenkins. "Ah, yes, cool, is it not?" said Nicolae. "Is that a family name? Is it common in Romania?" Jeremiah asked. "I SAID, 'JETTY' IS A COOL NAME, IS IT NOT?!" screamed Nicolae. "Err...ok." said Jeremiah. Nicolae smiled creepily. "I've got just a few more question." said Jenkins. Nicolae rose.
"Jeremiah, it was great of you to come here, you've done a great job in helping me to reach out to the public. It's been... great. But I really should be having my lunch now, if my blood sugar level drops too far it is not so great. I will have Miss Durham escort you out." said Nicolae.
"Oh, yes, well, I hope you have a good day. Oh, and once again for the record, you're *not* evil?" said Jenkins. "That's 100% accurate. Not evil." said Nicolae. Suddenly, Satan popped up from out of nowhere behind Nicolae. "Nicolae, I wanted to reaffirm our 2:15 for tomorrow -- whoops, is this a bad time? Guess so." said Satan. He vanished in a puff of smoke. "Er, uh, you didn't see that." said Nicolae. He held out his hand and made a clawlike, fluid motion towards Jenkins. "You do not remember ever seeing that..." said Nicolae. "You mean Satan?! I remember it pretty well." said Jenkins "Damn carpel tunnel syndrome! Oh, alright." said Nicolae, sitting back down with a sigh.
"I admit it, it is me. Yes, the bleedin' anti-Christ. So what? There's nothing you can do about it." said Nicolae, sniffing haughtily. "I could tell everybody." said Jeremiah. "CRAP!! No... no, it would not matter, because no one would believe you! But you know, it is almost a relief to share it with someone. Um, I feel close with you now." said Nicolae. "Really?" asked Jenkins, surprised. "No, I am just trying to find some closure so we can end this thing." said Nicolae. "Gee, well, ok. Will you answer one last question? Prophesy is clear that you fail, so why are you bothering?" said Jenkins.
"Well, Jeremiah, this whole thing is more or less Satan's baby. He's pretty adament about this plan." said Nicolae. "But still, if he knows you'll lose, what is the point?" Jenkins asked.
"I'm not sure that Satan does know we will lose. He's never really read the bible. Also, to tell you the truth, he's a little bit off his bean." said Nicolae. "I see. So what does it all mean to you?" said Jenkins. Nicolae sighed. "Fleeting power. A chance to do some evil. Sight seeing. Lots of sex partners here on my desk. How is Buck Williams, by the way? I heard you spoke with him today." said Nicolae. "Er, he's, he's keeping his chin up." said Jenkins. "Did he mention me?" asked Nicolae. "I think he did say something about finding you cool." said Jenkins. Nicolae smiled and nodded. "Yes, his little crush on me is rather flattering." said Nicolae. "You know that he's asexual, right?" asked Jenkins. Nicolae's face fell. "I grow tired of this interrigation. Leave." said Nicolae. "But, Nicolae –" began Jenkins. "LEAVE!" grunted Nicolae. He grabbed a bag of Ricola's from his desk and angrily ripped it open as Jenkins headed for the door.
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Epilouge: Jeremiah Jenkins killed himself the very next day. No, just kidding. He did give up his journalistic career to become an underwater weilder, however.