A/N: Hello again! "Your wasted time will be refunded" is from The Phantom Tollbooth. Only two people reviewed *sob*. Cookies to DragongirlM and QueenSword for reviewing, subscribing, favoriting, etc. Enjoy!
Sorry I didn't update sooner. My really good family friend died Wednesday, and his funeral was Friday, and my weekend was hectic. Wrong time to write a humor story, I guess.
This chapter is dedicated to the memory of Charlie!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is the property of Tolkien, Paramore, Taylor Swift, whoever invented Wii baseball, or anything besides Lianna, Xavier, and Tristan.
I woke to a person who looked disturbingly like my best friend's boyfriend.
"Michael? Wait, who the hell are you?"
"Who is Michael? My name is Pippin Took of the Shire. And who the hell are you?"
I laughed. "You must have some intelligence. My name is Lianna. And you don't exist."
"Excuse me, my lady, but I do exist. I am standing here right now, does that not mean I exist?"
If this really was Pippin, he did actually have the adorkable Scottish accent.
"Okay. Your existence aside, are my brothers okay?" I tried to sit up. My head spun a little, but I looked around. Xavier and Tristan had woken up, apparently before me. They were sitting on the sofa.
"God, you took for-freaking-ever to wake up," Double T (our other nickname for Tristan because of his first and second names) said, almost admonishingly, like he was older than me.
"We told them who we are," he added helpfully, gesturing to the other people, who I guessed I just hadn't noticed. I sort of recognized the Fellowship. Merry was the only one who looked exactly like Dominic Monaghan. Gandalf was rather distinctive, and Boromir did actually have strawberry blond hair. And Legolas was still hot.
Aragorn looked at me. "Lady Lianna, Lord Tristan and Lord Xavier have informed us of who you are. I understand that we are in a story in this world."
"Yes. And please don't call me Lady. I am not a lady by any stretch of the imagination."
"No shoes Sherlock," said Xavier.
"Shut up. Brothers," I said to the Fellowship, shaking my head.
Boromir smiled at me. He had a little brother. I did really like Lord of the Rings, and certainly fanfics.
"Li, seriously, what'll we do? Mom and Dad'll be home in…six hours." Xavier looked at the clock. Six-oh-two. "What happens when they come home?"
I rubbed my temples. "I don't know, White Knight, I don't know. I don't know everything."
"You just admitted you don't know something twice in the past twenty minutes. Have you gone insane?" Tristan wondered aloud.
"I'm not gonna like you," Legolas muttered.
"That was mean. I am sad." I was doing my best puppy-dog eyes. "But I don't really care. Nobody likes me."
Pippin was drumming his fingers on the arm of the sofa. "I'm bored. What can we do? If your parents come home, will they murder us?"
"No, my parents will not murder you guys. They might just faint. My parents are not very responsible, and they're very into normalcy. They think it'll make them look good. They hate my daydreaming, my purple streak-" I lifted my dark brown curls to reveal a streak of six-month-guaranteed purple dye "my constant reading of fantasy, my Paramore-"
"You certainly use long words," said Frodo, giving me a look I couldn't quite file away as anything.
"Oh. Paramore is, um, three people, and they write awesome songs, and they gave themselves a name. I don't actually have, um, a lover."
"Okay," he said, settling back on my awesomeful purple chair. He seemed to take things as they come.
Oh, fudge, the One Ring! Wow, epic failure, I had forgotten it until now. But Gandalf seemed to read my panicked expression.
"Lord Xavier mentioned you knew of the Ring," he said calmly, blue eyes twinkling. "It does not work in this world. Our little hobbit friend here put it on, and nothing happened."
"Oh, good," I replied, my relief evident in my tone. "And as for what you can do, Pippin-" I racked my brain for ideas "-Trist, play Wii with him."
"You can't order me around. What if I don't want to?"
"You know what? I am establishing an order of seniority."
"A what?" Double T asked.
"A who gets to order who around. It will go, um…me, Gandalf, Aragorn, Xavier, Legolas, Boromir, Tristan, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Karanja."
"Why are you first?" Merry complained.
"Because I made it. And, very important, no abusing of your powers in the order of seniority!"
"Who's…Karanja?" asked Gimli, the Indian word unfamiliar on his tongue.
"Our cat. Where is he…oh, right on cue."
Karanja is a beautiful animal, glossy fur like polished wood, and that's what he looks like, polished wood.
"Karanja means tree in Marathi. That's a language from India. India's a country far away." I replied to the question forming in his brain that hadn't quite made it to his mouth yet. I took the cat into my arms. "He doesn't bite. Leave him alone, and he'll leave you alone. DO NOT injure him, or I will be forced to kill you."
Tristan tossed Pip a Wii remote. "Here, I'll show how to play. White Knight, stay here for advice-giving."
"Why do you call him White Knight?" Boromir asked me.
"When Tristan was little, he couldn't say Xavier, so it sounded like Savior. The White Knight bit came from there."
"Life isn't actually like that," he informed me.
"Oh, I know," I said. "Here, wanna see something cool? Everyone, come look."
Now, we all take iPods for granted. But the Fellowship of the Ring certainly didn't. I put my Touch into the speakers.
"Now, watch this," I said, scrolling through my playlist. Hmmm…Justin Bieber? No. Paramore? No…wait, The Only Exception? No. Nicki Minaj? No. Taylor Swift? Oh, yeah. Ours. I went to it, and clicked.
"Watch this."
Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about being you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks and things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine
And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks and things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you
'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks and things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks and things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
"Really? T-Swift? Really, Li?" Xavier asked in his annoying sarcastic-that's-not-really-sarcastic-at-all voice.
"Dude. You really have to stop criticizing my taste in music."
"What taste?"
"That was a good one," Boromir remarked. "I have a younger brother, and it seems all younger brothers are good at the art of exchanging insults."
"Younger brothers have a God-given right to be good at insults! No, Pippin, you press that button…" Tristan said, simultaneously kicking Pippin's butt at Wii baseball and adding to the conversation.
"Well, the buttons are tiny!"
"Well, you're tiny!"
Pippin seemed rather insulted at this insult. "I'm older than you!"
Trist shut up.
"I'm older than you. Works every time." I smiled, and then noticed Merry with a dreamy look on his face.
"Crud. Another person who has a Borderline Insanity obsession with Taylor Swift," Xavier muttered.
Tristan blushed. "What? I happen to like awesome people who are a little different."
The entirety of the Fellowship was giving Trist the "Are you mentally deranged?" look.
"You do happen to like awesome people who are a little different. That is why we keep Li around, because I suggested we trade her in to Santa at Christmas for a new sister, but no, you said-"
"Trade me in to Santa? When did this conversation take place?"
"Who is this Santa?" asked Sam.
"He doesn't exist-"
"He so does!" exclaimed Tristan. "If Santa doesn't exist, then why do my Christmas presents say From Santa?"
"Because your brother-" I looked pointedly at Xavier "who wants to trade me in for a new sister likes to lie to you!"
"You write the From Santa's!"
"You ask me to!"
The Fellowship was completely and utterly lost.
"We are completely and utterly lost," said Legolas.
He was ignored.
"Yo, Double T, Yo Mama showdown! Then we'll see who's right!"
"We have the same mom, nitwit!"
"Let's pretend we don't!"
"What is…what they are doing?" Aragorn asked me.
"Insulting each other's moms."
"But they have the same mother."
"I know, they're idiots. Just observe."
Tristan dropped his Wii remote. However, Pippin did not, and proceeded to hone his Wii pitching skills, while everyone paid no attention to him.
The Fellowship had moved from their semicircle around the iPod speakers to a semicircle around Xavier and Tristan.
"Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish!" Tristan started.
"The challenged gets to go first," I explained.
"Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the movies she sits next to everybody!"
"Yo mama's so ugly, when she stands on the beach the tide won't come in!"
"Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a yellow shirt people started singing 'Here Comes the Sun'!"
"That's so unoriginal!"
"Oh, I win! You have been defeated by the power of awesome!" Xavier yelled. "Mwah ha ha!"
"How'd you win? That's not fair!"
"You gotta return with an insult! If you don't, you automatically lose!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yeah you do!"
"I hate you!"
"Love you too!"
I sank down in my purple chair. "Gonna be a long night," I sighed, burying my face in my hands.
A cry from Pippin startled all of us. "I won on this…machine! I won!"
"I hate you all!" Tristan shouted. He sat down on the floor and started to cry.
"Tristan," I said, walking over to him. "Stop crying."
"No!" he blubbered. "Tell Xavier that's not the rules!"
"Xavier, that's not the rules."
Xavier ignored me.
"He's ignoring you," said Merry.
"No, really? Okay, Trist, I did. Now, what do you want to do?"
"Shove Xavier off a cliff!" he exclaimed in that funny way people exclaim while crying.
"No. Eat candy?"
"Yay! Eat candy! I like candy!"
"Okay, I'll get it."
The candy in our house is on the very back of the highest shelf of the closet, so the boys can't reach it and gorge themselves on candy. But it was full to bursting with Halloween candy, and after I shoved the to shelf in and out of its resting place in the wall, the Tupperware of candy fell nicely into my arms. It looked like a little baby.
"Alright, candy time!" I announced. "Now, please don't break anything expensive looking while on a sugar high. That's the only rule."
"What is a sugar high?" asked Pippin.
"It's when you eat so much sugar you get really hyper and run around like a crazy person."
"Okay. Save some for me!" he yelled to Trist and White Knight, their argument forgotten as they did the one thing Incredibly Forbidden by our crazy parents-consume a frickin' insane amount of sugar.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I heard Gandalf address no one in particular behind me.
"No, that's why I let them do it."
"Are you sure you're sane?"
"No."
He sighed. "Why do I always get stuck with crazy people?"
A/N: And that's it for now. I update sooner if you review! **hint hint, wink wink**