Title: Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet
Author: Lady FoxFire
Pairing(s): None
Rating: PG-13
Setting: During season 5 of StarGate SG-1. Set in my 'If Things Had Been Different' series
Warning: None
Category(s): Crossover
Summary: Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.
Disclaimer: I'm going to the easy win tonight instead of taking the chance and going for the million… I do not own the StarGate SG-1 series or the Transformers series nor do I make any money from this fic. And if you didn't understand this disclaimer it's because my son has driven me insane and my Muse has ran off with my plot bunnies.
Bad Author Notes: The time line has been adjust so that the Transformers movie happen sometime at the beginning or during season 5 of StarGate SG-1.
Yes this is crack.
A dark blue SUV drove down the nicely paved road to the isolated farmhouse. The SUV turned onto the driveway and came to stop next to a yellow Camaro with black racing strips.
The doors of the SUV opened and the passengers exited the vehicle.
"Nice place," Colonel O'Neill said as he slipped on his sunglasses. "Nice. Quiet. Very isolated."
"I'm surprised that the road was paved this far out," Daniel commented. "It must have cost them a fortune to have it done."
"Why would the road not have been paved?" Teal'c asked.
"It's too expensive for the number of people living out here," Carter explained. "At the very least the road should be gravel or tarred and chipped instead of being paved."
"Can I help you?" a voice of a woman came from the house. On the porch of the house stood a woman with long blond hair.
"Is this the Lennox's residence?" O'Neill said with his most charming and innocent smile.
The woman nodded her head. "It is, she replied simply.
"Captain Lennox invited us. We're here for the movie night," Jack explained.
"Oh I'm sorry," the woman said as she came down off the porch. "I wasn't expecting you so soon. I'm Sarah Lennox, Will's wife."
"Jack," Colonel O'Neill said with a nod of this head before pointing out his teammates. "That's Daniel, Carter and Murray."
"Will had to run and get more lighter fluid or he would be here to great you himself," Sarah explained.
"That's not a problem," Jack replied. "We brought some goodies and beer."
"Well then we should bring them into the house," Sarah replied. "Anything that needs refrigerated?"
"A couple of the pies should be and the beer," Daniel supplied as he pulled a cardboard box from the back of the SUV.
"That's fine," Sarah turned around and led them back to the house. "I'm sure we'll be able to find room for them in the frig."
"I am curious SarahLennox," Murray a.k.a. Teal'c said as he carried two cases of beer. "Why did CaptainLennox and his unit insist that we do not bring hard liquor?"
"Because hard liquor is for mourning," Sarah said simply.
"Okay," Jack said in the tone that said that he didn't get it but as long as you understood it then that was fine.
"My father taught me that beer is for get togethers. Wine is for romance. Champagne is for celebration and hard liquor is for mourning," Sarah explained as she held open the screen door.
Jack froze in front of the door as he thought about what Sarah had just said. He turned and looked at her and then in an almost surprised tone of voice said, "You know that actually makes sense!"
Sarah chuckled lightly as she followed Jack into the house. "This way to the kitchen," she said as she led them deeper into the house. "The bathroom is the first door on the left, if anyone needs it." She pointed out as they walked into the kitchen.
They walked into a kitchen that would make any chef proud. It had a 6 burner stove and a huge refrigerator.
"Nice kitchen," Jack commented as he looked around.
"Thank you," Sarah opened the refrigerator and started to take things from Daniel and put them in. "We had to remodel it recently since Will's team tend to like using the house as their meeting spot."
"They meet here often?" Daniel asked as he placed the empty cardboard box on the floor next to the trash can.
Sarah nodded her head as she placed the beer in the frig. "They like my spaghetti."
"Well you know what they say, the Army lives on their stomach," Jack said teasingly.
Sarah looked over at Jack with a smug look on her face. "Then that must mean that the Air Force are bottomless pits if Epps is any example of the Air Force's best."
"She has a point," Daniel said teasingly. "After all I've seen how you've gone after blue Jell-O, Jack."
Jack turned on Daniel, "Whose side are you on, Daniel?"
Daniel tapped his chin thoughtfully before looking over at Sarah who was busily cutting up some boiled red skin potatoes. "Is that German potato salad?"
Sarah nodded her head. "Its Will's favorite."
Daniel pointed his finger at Sarah. "Her side. I love German potato salad."
Jack cross his arms over his chest. "Well we now know what it will take for you to turn traitor," he said with a huff.
Sarah giggled softly. "So what is it like to travel to other worlds?"
The member of SG-1 stared at Sarah in shock. "What do you mean?" Daniel said cautiously.
"To go through the Stargate," Sarah explained. "I can only image how alien some of the worlds must seem compared to Earth."
"Why would you think that we've been to other planets," Daniel asked.
"Hide told me," Sarah replied simply as she busily prepared items to be cooked.
"Hide?" Jack shared a look with his team.
"Ironhide," Sarah answered. "When the team received the orders to report to your base, he hacked into your computers to see what it was about."
"That's impossible," Carter stated.
Sarah looked up from her work in confusion. "What is?" she said.
"Hacking into our computers," Carter said with confidence.
Sarah looked at Carter in confusion. "But Hide did it. He said it was easy."
Carter sputtered in outrage.
Sarah looked at Carter in pity. "No one has explained Hide and the others to you yet, have they?" she asked.
Daniel shook his head. "No. Perhaps you could?" he said.
An evil smile appeared on Sarah's face. "Nope. You really can't explain them, they have to be experienced."
"And who exactly are they?" Jack demanded.
"SARAH! YOUR HUSBAND IS A DEAD MAN!" came from outside of the house.
Sarah Lennox hurried towards the backdoor as the howls of a baby could be heard. "What happened?" she said as she opened the door.
"He feed her chili again!" the voice of a young man said over the child's howls.
"Oh my poor baby," Sarah cooed.
"I got her," the voice said. "Just open the door and start the tub. It's already all over me and her. No use getting it on you too."
The member of SG-1 pulled back in a grimace as the smell finally hit them.
"Oh what is that smell?" Carter demanded as she covered her nose with her hand.
"What happens when you feed Annabelle chili," said a young man carrying a howling little girl in his arms.
The young man walked past Sarah the crying child still in his arms.
"Umm could someone…" Sarah looked over at the stove where she had something cooking.
"Do we need to do anything?" Jack asked as he walked into the kitchen.
"Stir the noodles and make sure the potatoes don't boil over," Sarah replied as she hurried out of the room.
"Well that was interesting," Jack commented as the sound of running water being could be heard.
"Indeed," Murray a.k.a. Teal'c said. "I found the tattoos the young man was wearing to be most interesting."
Jack, Daniel and Carter shared a look. "Interesting as something we should be concerned about or just interesting?" Jack asked
"No," Teal'c replied simply. "Well I have seen on the television how your people sometimes cover themselves in such skin art before I have never meet one in person."
"Yeah but they're normally one big tattoo like that lizard guy or a collections of them that some type of story," Jack said. "Never seen one like the kid's before."
"Maybe he's not done," Daniel suggested. "They do say tattoo is a life time commitment."
Jack shrugged his shoulders as he stirred the noodles.
It was the faint smell from earlier that alerted the SG-1 team that either Sarah or the young man was returning.
The young man, his hair damp from his shower, walking into the kitchen with what could only be his and the baby's clothes wrapped into towels.
"Will's a dead man," he growled softly as he walked past without acknowledging them and entering a small room off of the kitchen in which a washer and dryer could be seen.
The team looked at each other questioningly.
"It seems Celtic in design," Daniel offered.
The team settled in as they waited for Sarah's return while watching the laundry room for the young man. Finally after they heard the washer start the young man appeared in the doorway.
"Sarah has a 12 inch cast iron skillet, a rolling pin, a Louisville Slugger and 100 acres," the young man pronounced.
"Okay," Jack said slowly as he nodded his head.
"Just so we're at an understanding," the young man walked over to the stove and checked the food.
"What is a Louisville Slugger?" Teal'c asked.
"A baseball bat," Carter asked. "You do know we were invited?"
"And we brought pies and beer," Jack added with a boyish grin.
The young man looked at Carter than at Jack. "I'm not allowed beer," he turned off the heat underneath the noodles before taking them over to the sink to drain.
"To young huh," Jack said as he watched the young man work.
"Doctor's orders," the young man replied.
Jack's eyes narrowed as he studied the young man before him. His eyes widened as he realized something. "Those… those aren't tattoos, are they?"
"No," the young man said softly.
Carter perked up with interest. "Some type of cybernetics?" she said as her eyes roamed over the young man's body studying like he was an interesting puzzle she walked to dissect and solve.
"Carter," Jack said in a warning tone of voice as the young man hugged himself in a comforting way as he edged away from her.
Before Carter could say anything a naked Annabelle ran into the room giggling as only a naked child can. Finding strangers in her home she stared at them before running over to the young man and grabbing his leg while sucking on her thumb.
Looking down at the child they young man said, "You're nakey," he said as he knelt down and picked the child up. "What happened to your clothes?" he asked her.
"She escaped," Sarah Lennox pronounced as she walked into the kitchen while wearing a different outfit.
"She gave you a bath too?" Jack said fondly.
Sarah sighed. "Part of the joys of being a parent," she said. "Sam would you please get her dressed."
Carter looked at Sarah in confusion before the young man said, "Of course. Come on little princess, we need to get you dressed before you freeze your little butt off."
Jack waited until the young man, Sam had carried the baby off and up the stairs before turning to Sarah and softly said, "What happened to him?"
Sarah looked over at Jack then in the direction Sam had carried her daughter. "He saved us all," she said simply.
"The conquering knight has returned with the dragon fire, your Highness," Captain William 'Will' Lennox announced as he strolled into the kitchen carrying a plastic bag as Sgt. Robert Epps following behind him.
"You do realize that you're embarrassing," Epps said with a shake of his head.
Will nod his head with a smile. "Practice for when Annabelle's older," he said before turning his attention to those in the room. "Colonel. I'm glad to see you and your team were able to come."
Jack grin back at Captain Lennox. "Glad to be here," he said. "It's been real interesting so far, you could say a real eye opener," Jack glanced over at Daniel. "And the discovery of a new non toxic, non lethal weapons will make R&D day."
"Huh?" Will and Epps looked at Jack in confusion before they turned to Sarah for an answer.
"Will," Epps said cautiously as he stared at Sarah, "whatever you did I would start apologizing right now."
"You feed her chili," Sarah said stressing each word.
"You feed her chili!" Epps said as he turned on his friend and Captain.
"She was hungry," Will replied with a shrug of his shoulders. Turning to his wife, Will walked over to her and took her hand. "Sarah, my Warrior Queen, my Goddess," he said as he looked into her eyes, "Please forgive this knave." Will dropped to one knee. "I was feeding the little Princess some cereal while having some of my chili when she began to demand some." Will took a deep breath as he continued his confession. "And as with you, I have not the heart to deny her anything she wishes. I will accept any punishment you feel you need inflict upon me."
"Damn! He's good," Jack exclaimed.
Sarah shot Jack a look before turning her attention back to her husband who was looking up at her with love in his eyes. With a weary sigh Sarah said, "Just don't do that again."
"Didn't you say that last time," Epps pointed out to Sarah.
"Robert!" Sarah growled.
"Yes ma'am. I'm shutting up, ma'am," Epps said as he came to attention.
"Go light the grill," Sarah said as she dismissed them.
"Thank you, your Highness," Will stood up and kissed Sarah gently of the lips.
"You're not off the hook yet, William," Sarah said. "Next time I'll save that diaper for you."
"Yes, dear," Will said as he ducked his head like a little boy who just escaped punishment. "Come on Epps. There's a grill to light."
As Captain Lennox practically bounced out the back door with the bag in hand, Epps turned to Sarah as said in a whining tone of voice, "Sarah?"
"It's in the same place as last time, Robert," she answered without looking up at him.
Epps sighed dejectedly. "Okay," he went into the laundry room and dragged out two large fire extinguishers. "Could use some help with these," he looked hopefully at the members of the SG-1.
Jack shrugged his shoulder. "Alright," he grabbed one of the extinguishers.
"Sam," Sarah hollowed, "Will's going to light the grill."
"Will be right out," Sam shouted back.
As the SGC team followed Sgt. Epps outside they could see Captain Lennox spraying lighter fluid into a huge barrel style grill with an almost manic grin on his face. Setting the fire extinguishers on the ground they watched as Lennox emptied one container of lighter fluid before fishing another one out of the plastic bag he had.
"You're too close," Sam said as he walked past them carrying little Annabelle with him.
Epps sighed. "He's right. You better follow him," he said.
"What about you?" Daniel asked as he noticed that Epps wasn't following.
Epps shrugged his shoulders. "I'm an old hand at this. I'll survive."
"Captain Lennox?" Jack called out.
"Yes, sir?' Will asked with a grin.
"I think that enough lighter fluid," Jack said.
Lennox looked at the grill, then at the lighter fluid in his hand. Giving the container a gentle shake, he declared, "Nope. Still half full." And with that he turned back to spraying the liquid on the grill.
Jack look back at Epps who shrugged his shoulders in a silent reply.
"He's not right in the head is he?" Jack asked as she stopped next to Sam and Annabelle as the watched Lennox.
"Will or Robert?" Sam asked.
"Will… Both of them," Jack said with a shrug of his shoulder.
Sam watched Will for a moment before saying, "Everyone's a little insane especially with the stuff we deal with."
Will finally emptied the last container. Tossing it aside he shouts "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
Sam turned around and crouched down, shielding the small child with his body.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
Epps laid down near the extinguishers, his hand covering his head.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
The heavy backdoor got slammed shut.
The SG-1 team realized what was happening and dove for the ground as Captain Lennox lit a match and threw it in as he too dove for the ground.
A huge fireball filled the air as the lighter fluid caught fire.
"I don't think I used enough lighter fluid," Will stated as he climbed to his feet. "It was only a 7… 7.5 maybe."
"I'm alive. The grill is lit. The house is not on fire therefore it a 10," Epps said from where he laid on the ground.
"What the hell was that!" Jack demanded after checking on his team, Sam and the little girl.
"I was lighting the grill," Will replied, confusion evident in his voice.
"Where in hell did you learn to light a grill like that?" Jack demanded.
"My first Sergeant after I was commissioned," Lennox replied. "He said that any fire you make while not in enemy territory should always be big." Will looked up at where the fireball had been in the sky. "He would be a bit disappointed with this one."
Jack opened his mouth to reply only to snap it shut after a moment. "I need a beer," he declared marching off for the house.
"Bring me one," Epps called out from his spot on the ground.
With a nod of his head, Jack walked towards the house. Once inside he looked at Sarah Lennox and stated in a firm tone of voice, "Your husband is crazy."
"Of course he is," Sarah replied. "If he was normal I would never have married him. Normal people are scary."
"Okay," Jack said slowly as he nodded his head.
Sarah chuckled softly. "Think about it. What do they always say about the guy who suddenly flips out and murders his entire family… he was a nice normal guy. Never said a bad word to anyone."
"So you started with crazy one, so you won't have to worry about him flipping out and killing everyone," Jack replied.
"That and Will's really great in bed," Sarah replied with a smile.
Jack mouth snapped shut. "Okaaaaayyyyyy. I'm just going to get a couple beers and get out of your hair," he said as he opened the refrigerator to get the beers.
"Get one for Will too, please," Sarah asked. "I'm sure he's thirsty after lighting the grill."
With a nod of his head, Jack grabbed a sixth bottle before shutting the frig door and escaping outside.
"You're wife has some interesting view," Jack said as he offered Lennox a bottle while the others collected their from Jack.
"That's why I married her," Will said as he cracked open his bottle and took a drink. "Not too many women I know would marry a career soldier. And then when you add in all the crap we deal with… She not only accepted it but she was willing to put not only herself into more danger but also our daughter." Will looked over to where Sam was pushing his baby girl on the swings. "She always believed that it's better to do what's right instead of what's easy."
The members of SG-1 looked over at Sam for a moment before turning back to Captain Lennox and Sgt. Epps.
"Is that why the kid is here?" Jack asked. "Your jacket didn't mention any siblings."
"Sam's pretty much been adopted by the whole team," Epps explained. "He might not be military but he's a brother. One we'll protect no matter what."
"Yeah I know how that is," Jack said as he glanced over at Daniel.
"I'm curious about what happened to him," Carter said. "Who created his cybernetics? I haven't heard of anything so advanced, let alone anyone in any testing stage."
"Carter," Jack said with a warning tone of voice.
Carter started to spout out technical jargon about cybernetics, its advances and disadvantages and the difficulties in perfecting it. Of course everyone in the groups except for Carter herself understood anything she was saying.
"It isn't cybernetics," Lennox interrupted.
Carter looked at him in confusion. "Then what is it?"
Will shrugged his shoulders, "The Allspark."
"What's the Allspark?" Daniel asked.
"For lack of a better term," Epps said. "God or a God."
"No. The Allspark is the source of all life. Not a God," Will corrected.
"If you're the source of all life wouldn't that make you a God?" Epps asked.
"That's what I argued with Hide but it doesn't," Will explained. "Primus is a God and… I think the Allspark is a device of Primus? I don't know. I spent 3 hours talking to Hide about this and all I got was a headache from it."
"Okay," Jack said slowly. "So the Allspark is the source of all life and Sam," Jack turned to look at the young man pushing the swing, "is the Allspark."
"That's about right," Lennox said as Epps nodded his head.
"So Sam's not from around here," Jack said as he turned his attention back to the two soldiers.
"Nevada."
"California."
"No, Sam is from Nevada," Epps stated. "Tranquility is on the boarder of Nevada and California and Sam is from the Nevada side."
"Are you sure?" Will asked in disbelief.
Epps gave Will a look. "Who are you going to believe? Me or minimum wage flunky who program the GPS system to have you turn left and drive ahead down a boat launch."
"Good point," Will said before turning back to SG-1. "Sam's from Nevada."
"You know I'm sure there a pretty interesting story there," Jack said as he eyes the two younger men.
"Fascinating."
"Terrifying."
"Exhilarating."
"Inspiring."
The two soldiers went through the list of adjectives out like they had rehearsed it.
"It's just too bad we can't tell you any of it," Lennox replied with an amusing expression on his face. "After all it's classified."
The member of SG-1 stared at the two men in confusion.
"Then why in hell did you have us come here!" Jack blurted out.
Lennox and Epps looked at each other then back at SG-1.
"Even though we can't tell you without permission, the Big Guy can," Epps explained.
"And who is the Big Guy or can't you tell me that," Jack growled.
The two battle harden soldiers squirmed under Colonel Jack O'Neill formable stare.
"Well, sir…" Captain Lennox started to say before trailing off into nothing.
"It's just easy to meet the Big Guy than trying to explain it all," Technical Sergeant Epps jumped in with an explanation.
"And when will that be?" O'Neill growled.
The men both shrugged their shoulders. "Soon," Lennox replied. "I mean the Big Guy and his team really do enjoy movie night and since most of his team already here I would expect him to show up shortly."
"But no one's here," Daniel said as he looked around. "I mean aside from your wife and daughter and Sam. They're no one here."
"Oh they're here," Epps said. "They're just more than meets the eye. Wouldn't be surprised if you're walked right past them a couple of times or even commented on them."
"Hey! Is it safe?" A voice called out from around the house.
"Yeah," Epps shouted back. "Our fearless yet stupid leader has tamed the fire breathing dragon."
The soldiers that had been with Lennox and Epps at military base in Qatar, came around the house, each of them carry some type of dish and beer.
"I think you been hanging out with the Captain too much Epps," one of the soldier said. "You're starting to act like him."
"Well you know that they claim that insanity is a community disease," Epps replied.
"Hey I will have you know I'm just as insane as the rest of you," Lennox said in his defense.
"I believe you meant to say that you are just as sane as they rest of your team CaptainLennox," Teal'c commented.
Lennox looked directly at Teal'c and replied, "You don't know my team. They're insane."
Teal'c raise a single eyebrow at Lennox comment. "Indeed," he replied.
"Any word on when the Big Guy will be here?" Lennox asked his teammates.
"Doc Hatchet was grumbling about how the Big Guy and him were stuck behind old Lady McMurty once again and that she was doing 20 miles/hr under the speed limit," Mulderrig stated. "They should be here shortly
"Great," Will said as he sighed in frustration. "So he's not going to be in the best of moods when he gets here."
"And you fed your daughter chili," Epps commented with a smirk. "What do you want to bet that the doc wants to do some anal probing as revenge for your daughter?"
"You fed her chili!"
"It's not like I can tell her no!" Lennox cried in his defense. "My job is to give my little girl everything she wants and have a shot gun ready for any boys that want to date her."
"Got a spot for the bodies?" Epps asked.
"Your oldest is how old?" Lennox asked
"Old enough," Epps growled.
"Right," Lennox nodded his head. "If you would excuse us. This should only take a moment."
The two fathers of young girls wandered off in a direction away from the house while the rest of Lennox's team wandered in and out of the house; gave SG-1 a respectful nod of their heads while talking to their teammates.
"I'm starting to wonder if I'm Alice and if I'm hunting a white rabbit," Jack commented to himself as he finished off his beer.
"I do not understand the reference, O'Neill," Teal'c said calmly.
"I believe the Colonel is referring to Alice in Wonderland," Carter explained, "which is a children's book in which a young girl travels into a fantasy land."
"Then this must be The Mad Hatter's Tea Party," Daniel commented. "Does anyone else get a bad feeling when they were talking about Doc Hatchet? For some reason I have a feeling it's not his real name."
"Because it's not. It's Ratchet," Sam seemed to suddenly appear behind them with Lennox's daughter in his arms, "but everyone calls him Hatchet… just never to his face."
"So he has a great bedside personality?" Jack asked.
Sam shrugged his shoulders. "He's been known to throw things at his patients when they've done something stupid and gets injured."
"Better hope that Janet never starts doing that huh Jack," Daniel teased.
"And give up the big honking needles she wields… Can't see it happening," Jack said. "She just loves to needle us so much."
"You appear to be uncomfortable around us," Teal'c said as he notice how the younger man seems to clutch at the child as if she was a shield.
Sam looked at Teal'c and the rest of the SG-1 team with eyes much older than his young body. "It's because you are outsiders," he replied.
"I understand," Daniel said soothingly. "This is all new to us and we're trying to understand it all. Captain Lennox and Sgt. Epps said that you were the Allspark and to be completely honest we're all confused."
Sam looked at Daniel with a curious expression. "You're scared of me. Is it because Epps said I was a god?"
Jack shrugged his shoulders. "We haven't had much luck with people who claim to be a god or any type of power," he explained honestly instead of using his usual brand of snarky sarcasm to defuse or inflame the situation.
"That's because you haven't meet the real thing," Sam said as his eyes began to glow and as he raised one hand up so that they could lightening crackled around his fingers, "until now."
Annabelle laughed and clapped her hands at Sam's display while safe in his other arm.
"You like that don't you," Sam cooed at the little girl. "It's almost as good as Ironhide's canons isn't it? But they make a pretty noise huh?"
"Canons?" Jack said with dread.
"Big ones," Sam said with a smirk. "Which I'm sure Hide would love to introduce you to in a few minutes since Prime is here."
"Prime?" Carter said.
"The Big Guy," Sam replied as he nods his head to a blue semi truck with red flames painted on it that was coming down the lane towards the house. It was followed by a yellow hummer."
"The Big Guy drives a semi?" Jack said in a confused yet impressed voice.
"Not exactly," Sam said smugly.
Those gathered in the back yard watched as a black GMC Topkick truck pulled into the back yard, followed by a yellow Camaro and a silver Pontiac Solstice.
"Jack," Daniel said nervously. "No one's driving those cars."
The semi truck and hummer pulled into the back yard next. The vehicles sat there, with no one behind the wheels, facing the people in the backyard as if watching them.
"I don't have a good feeling about this," Jack said softly as the soldiers they had tried to recruit seem to be paying attention to the vehicles, waiting for something to happen.
Sudden a series of whirls, clicks and clanks came from the vehicles, as they seem to fall apart and reassemble at the same time.
Carter was staring wide eyed as she tried to puzzle out what was happened and how it was being done.
Daniel's bottle of beer slipped from his fingers as he stared with wide eyes at the beings who were forming before them.
In the vehicles place stood 5 humanoid mechanical beings
Jack took and involuntary step back only to bump into Captain Lennox. Will steadied the older man and with a smirk said, "Better than a backward flushing toilet, huh?"