A Trip Down Memory Lane (Part Two):

A Trip Down Memory Lane (Part Two):

Remus didn't answer the question immediately. He just stared down at the flask intently, like he was fighting an internal dilemma if he should continue with this or not. But Sirius was not a complete retard; he might have drunk almost an entire bottle of whiskey on his own, but he was still capable of figuring this out. And even though he hoped he was wrong, he already knew his suspicions would be confirmed when he looked at his friend's pained expression and repeated his question. "What is that?"

But Remus still didn't say anything and after another pause, Sirius asked: "It's one of hers, isn't it?"

Remus closed his eyes for a moment and pulled a hand through his greying hair before he sighed and nodded. "The last memory I have of her," he said as he looked up at him. "From the moment I arrive at your place till… well, until she actually dies."

Sirius stared at him in disbelief. For a brief moment he was wondering if Remus was joking, but he wasn't quite sure. That was another thing Azkaban had ruined for him: the talent of being able to fathom his friend's thoughts. "And…" he asked with an incredulous look on his face. "You want me to watch this memory?"

"If you want to," his friend replied while he was fiddling with the handle of his cup. "In your own time, of course. You don't have to watch it right now."

Sirius's eyebrows had travelled up his forehead as far as his facial muscles were allowing. "Remus Lupin, I've always known there is some morbid sense of humor deep down inside of you and usually I even appreciate that, but I think I'll pass on this one, thank you very much."

"Sirius, you don't understand-"

"-If you're honestly suggesting that I'll feel better if I watch my fiancée die, you're mad."

Remus shook his head. "No, if you'd listen to what I have to say, you will understand. Do you think that what I'm about to show you is for fun? It isn't any easier for me as it is for you."

Sirius made a derisive sound. "Oh really? And why is that?"

"Because I have reason to believe that what I'm about to tell you won't be enough to convince you of the truth. You will want to see it with your own eyes."

"Will want to see what, Remus?"

His friend picked up the flask and held it up as if it was a priceless treasure. "How Mary did everything she could to convince me that it was Peter who betrayed us, and not you."

Remus could just as well have said that Kreacher was planning to buy him a big present to celebrate their close friendship. Sirius had trouble believing his own ears. He had been convinced that Mary loathed him with all her might when she was killed for so long, had believed in and even been a bit consumed by her fierce hate in Azkaban (for some reason the dementors intensified not only bad memories but also the worst feelings) that this news was not easy to take in. "I…" Sirius stammered in an attempt to break the staggering silence. "I don't understand how…"

Remus nodded. "As I was saying, the memory will explain…" He hesitated for a moment. "Several things at once."

Sirius shot him an annoyed look. "I said I'm not interested in watching Mary die. If there is something she said I need to know, then tell me."

Remus looked doubtful. "I'm not sure if-"

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" He reached for the bottle of whiskey and poured the last bit of the amber liquid in his goblet.

"Alright," his friend said after another pause as Sirius downed his goblet in one go. "The reason I need to show you this memory is because it will be hard to explain. I figured it out myself not too long ago." He was silent for a moment and carefully put the flask back down on the table before looking up at him and continuing hesitantly: "Two years ago, in the Shrieking Shack with Harry, Ron and Hermione, when you wanted to kill Peter and I ran in on the scene – knowing our old friend was still alive and in disguise - that's when I put the pieces of the puzzle together. I finally knew what Mary had so desperately tried to tell me, why she was determined to protect you even though you had basically killed her and Erin, or so I thought…"

"But Peter was alive and had been hiding for over twelve years," Remus continued. "It suddenly seemed crystal clear: he was the traitor and had framed you for his crimes."

Sirius said nothing. The merest mention of Peter's name was enough to make his blood boil but there was nothing he could do about that at the moment, so he tried to focus on what Remus was saying instead. "What did Mary say?"

Remus was looking at him, biting his lip, and for the first time that night there seemed to be a guilty expression on his face. "She wasn't speaking in so many words. She was heavily injured, weak, dying… Pierce gave her a Sedating Potion to keep her comfortable and had warned me that her condition could cause her to rave a little. And…" He was looking even more guilty now. "That's what I thought was happening to her. I didn't understand, simply refused to believe why she was still defending you after what you had done."

Sirius could feel his heart starting to ache in the familiar way whenever he thought of Mary and he tried hard to shut down his emotions. For once he was more interested in finding out what really happened to her that night than to dwell in self-misery. He could resume being depressed as soon as Remus had left the house. "But was she raving, Remus?"

"No! That's what I'm trying to tell you." He leaned in a little closer. "She was in terrible pain and her body was shutting down, so speaking was difficult for her. But she kept repeating Peter's name." He shook his head, smiling sadly. "I thought she was worried about him, even tried to console her…" He sighed. "Truth was that she knew more than I did. And Merlin… You're talking about guilt whenever you mention Lily and James and Mary. But how do you think I feel?"

Sirius frowned at him. "You feel guilty? For what?"

Remus closed his eyes and, to his amazement, Sirius noticed that this sense of guilt seemed to be consuming him a bit as well. "For not taking Mary seriously. If only I had listened to her, if I would have gone to Dumbledore immediately, Things might have turned out to be different. But I couldn't. I was so angry at you because of James and Lily, Erin, Mary, Peter… And Frank and Alice being tortured until they went insane… I just couldn't think properly. So many funerals in a few weeks, all those people consoling me. It was too much to bear and I was on my own. I felt numb, empty, depressed. And then you got sent to Azkaban and I felt... relieved, actually. Relieved that it was finally over, that I could go on with my life. And so I pushed the memory of Mary to the back of my mind and tried hard not to think about it, although I never stopped wondering why she begged me to help you."

Sirius's mouth had gone dry; it was getting harder and harder to block out the pain in his heart, images of Mary and Erin and Lily and James were breaking through his defences. He reached for his goblet to drink but it was empty and so was the bottle of whiskey. He put the goblet back down with an unnecessary loud thud and Remus, who had been lost in thought for a moment, looked up and met his gaze. "I wanted to have said this sooner, Sirius, but I never had the chance. I am sorry."

Sirius wondered if he was saying this more to Mary than him, but he shrugged and smiled weakly. "It's fine, Remus. I don't think it would have mattered. I got sent to Azkaban right away, remember?"

"I know. And even if there had been a trial, Mary's testimony would not have helped much."

"How do you know that?"

"I took this memory to Dumbledore before I resigned at Hogwarts. I wanted to know if, despite Peter's escape, there was still something we could do to clear your name. He studied the memory closely and, to his regret, told me no Wizengamot would ever consider it to be a reliable statement. He said it looked exactly as how I interpreted it in the first place: that she was raving. He also said-"

Sirius had opened his mouth to interrupt but was more interested in hearing what else Dumbledore had said on this matter. "Yes?"

"He also said that he admired Mary's strength and determination to try and pass on the message as best as she could in the last moments of her life. Said he believed it was the power of love that had kept her alive rather than physical strength. And I think he is right about that, especially because she died almost instantly when she thought she had convinced me and… Oh well, you will see that for yourself when you…"

He pointed to the flask on the table and Sirius stared at the white-like content of whitish silver that was moving around so ceaselessly, patiently waiting to be studied at any given time. He swallowed with difficulty; Remus telling him what Dumbledore had said about the power of love was affecting him more than he wanted to admit, even to himself. "I don't know if I can, Remus. I just… Not now, not tonight."

Remus nodded. "I understand. But it's time to finally do what I promised Mary all those years ago."

"Which is?"

"To tell you what she wanted you to know right before she passed away. She said: 'Tell him that I understand now, that it is not his fault. And tell him that I love him. Always have done, always will.'"

Sirius's throat was closing up so quickly that he didn't even know he could have swallowed the lump away if he tried and felt his eyes were getting wet. To his relief, Remus's eyes were not completely dry either. "That's…" he croaked when he had found his voice again. "I… I need more whiskey."

He was about to get up from his chair to walk to the sink when Remus caught his arm. "No, there is something else I need to show you."

Sirius rubbed his eyes in an attempt to stop them from getting wet. "What, more memories?"

"Not exactly. I was thinking of visiting her grave. If you would want to join me…"

Sirius dropped his hands. "What? If you think you're being funny-"

"-No," Remus interrupted quickly. "I'm not. Dumbledore thinks it would be good if you came along with me, just this once."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I'm not allowed to leave this stinking hell hole to do things for the Order but I can visit a cemetery?"

Remus smiled. "Tonight you can. Dumbledore drew a protective line around the graveyard, so you won't be detected by the Ministry or Death Eaters. And, considering it's such a warm night, most people are still eating at this time of night, so we should leave as soon as possible."

"You discussed this with Dumbledore? What is this, therapy?"

Remus sighed. "It'll only be therapy when you refer to it like that. Besides, this is your chance to get out of Grimmauld Place. Perhaps that might temporarily lighten up your mood, and Merlin knows that would be a blessing for all of us."

Sirius wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or hex Remus for making a visit to Mary's grave look like a fun school trip. "So where is this graveyard?"

"Godric's Hollow."

Sirius stared at him. "What?"

"She's buried in the same cemetery as James and Lily."

"But why? Surely her family wanted to keep her in London?"

Remus nodded. "Mr. and Mrs. Woods thought of doing that, but I convinced them Mary would have liked to rest in the same place as her friends. And her sister Jenna thought it would be nice for her to be buried among other witches and wizards."

Sirius stared at the flask and picked it up for a moment. "Jenna visited me in Azkaban once, you know. Oh, don't look at me like that, it was not a friendly visit. She came right after she graduated at Hogwarts, just to tell me how I had ruined her family, that I had destroyed her father's faith in people forever… She was emanating so much fury that the Dementors were all drawn to feast on her, but she was too focused on telling me how much she hated me to really notice. And all I could see was Mary. It's unbelievable how alike they would have been. At first I thought it was Mary who was standing before me, but no…" He sighed as he tried to shake off the memory. "I wonder what's she doing now."

"She's married to a certain William Thompson, mother of two sons – Henry and Thomas - and she works in the Ministry at the Department of International Magical Cooperation," Remus said and elaborated when Sirius was raising his eyebrows in surprise. "I ran in on her and her family at Diagon Alley once. She looked good, quite happy too, actually."

This time it was Sirius who smiled. "I'm glad to hear that."

Remus nodded and got up from his seat. "Time to go."

"Hang on," Sirius said. "This is all great and everything, but how do you expect to me to apparate without a wand?"

"Well, I could take you with me of course, but I had something else in mind."

He dived into the box for the third time that night and Sirius watched him with a frown on his face. What in Merlin's name could he pull out of that box now? His frown increased when he saw what object in Remus's hands was when he turned back to him. Sirius shot it a closer look and paled. He would recognise that piece of wood anywhere. It was Mary's wand. "What… How did you get that?"

Remus looked down at the wand. "After Mary died, I went back to your place to assist the Aurors when they would come searching the place. At first I thought the Death Eaters took the wand with them, but then I spotted it lying on the table in the living room. I decided I wanted to keep it as some sort of souvenir. Silly, I know. But I kept it in this box all those years, along with the pictures. But now… I think you should have it. Here," he said while he handed the wand at him. "She would have wanted it to be like that, anyway."

The wood of the wand felt surreal in Sirius's hands. It was like he was suddenly in touch with the past, he could almost feel Mary around him, inhale the smell of her skin and hair. He couldn't tell for sure, but it felt like the wand was accepting him as its new owner. But he knew he still had to test it. He pointed it at the kitchen table. "Accio ring." Mary's ring instantly zoomed to his hand and he caught it. "I think it's working," he said and there was a grin crossing his face.

Remus grinned back. "I knew it would. Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

The two men apparated at the back of the church in Godric's Hollow, near the entrance of the graveyard. The cemetery appeared to be completely deserted. They were standing in front of the kissing gate, but Sirius was too busy sniffing up the fresh and pleasantly cool air for a moment. He had not been outside for so long… For a second, he felt tempted to transform into his dog form and run a few blocks around the village, but then he remembered why they were here and felt his stomach drop. This was not going to be easy.

"Come on," Remus said quietly and opened the kissing gate.

They walked around the church in silence, both drowned in their own thoughts. Sirius followed Remus's lead; after all, he knew where to go and there were at least a hundred graves surrounding the church. Remus walked on, his hands in his pockets, looking straight ahead until he stopped and turned to Sirius. "Where do you want to go first?"

Sirius hesitated. Part of him really wanted to see Mary and Erin's final resting place, but an equally large part was begging him not to. He knew it would be confronting, haunting and downright painful to see their grave. And even though it would not be any easier to look at the tombstones of his best friends, he heard himself say: "James and Lily."

Remus nodded once and walked on without a word. They passed several rows of graves until they finally stopped in front a white marble grave. Sirius looked down at the tombstone and read:

James Potter, born 27 March 1960, died 31 October 1981
Lily Potter, born 30 January 1960, died October 1981

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

In an attempt to ignore the heavy lump in his throat and distract him from the realisation that he was standing in front of James and Lily's grave, he decided to comment on the words engraved upon it. "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death… That's nice. Who came up with that?"

"Dumbledore," Remus said before reaching for his wand and waving it around so that two flowers, lilies, appeared on the head of the tombstone.

"Ah, I already thought I recognized his style."

"Hmmm… Is there anything you want to say to them?"

He snorted. "Like what? As if they could hear me. 'Hellooooo James. How're things up there – groovy, I hope?' They're dead, Remus. They don't even know we're standing in front of their graves."

"It's not for them, it's for you. Talking, getting things off your chest might help lift the burden a little, Sirius. If you want I could walk away for a moment, so you can… Well, you know."

Sirius glared at him. "What I want is to get this over with," he snarled. "Just take me to the bloody next grave and then we can go."

Remus shot him a look and Sirius realized his friend did not look annoyed, but concerned. But he didn't say anything. Instead, he sighed. "This way."

He walked over to the next row of graves and Sirius somehow expected that it would take long to get to Mary's grave, but they had barely passed ten tombstones when Remus paused in front of another marble grave. This tombstone was a darkish grey with a green undertone. Sirius didn't know what to feel at first when he gazed down on the engraved words:

Mary Adrienne Woods, born 24 January 1960, died 1 November 1981
Erin Dawn Black, born 27 February 1981, died 31 October 1981

The memory of their beauty and grace will live on in the hearts of their beloved forever.

Despite the fact that he was gazing down at the final resting place of the only two girls he had truly loved, despite the fact that a fresh wave of grief was washing over him and that the hate for Peter intensified at the exact same moment, despite the fact that this was all devastatingly sad, Sirius felt the corners of his mouth twitch. It was the saying on the grave below the names that was making him laugh. It was downright cheesy and Sirius knew that Mary would have single-handedly erased it if she could.

His shoulders had started to shake because of his surreptitious laughter and Remus, still standing next to him, must have thought he was crying. He was just putting a comforting hand on his shoulder when Sirius burst out laughing and he shot him a startled look. "What are you doing?"

Sirius was still laughing when he pointed at the saying on the grave. "That line! Who in Merlin's name came up with that? Mary would literally cringe if she knew that was on her tombstone."

Remus had been staring at him in shock, but now a grin was slowly crossing his face. "Yeah, I agree this wouldn't have been her first choice, no."

"So it's not you who came up with it?"

"Merlin no! No… This was her parents choice. And considering I already practically forced them to bury their daughter here, I felt it was not my place to say anything about this ah… tad cheesy line."

Sirius shook his head, still grinning. "I guess not." But the smile slowly died on his face when he looked back at the grave and the gruesome reality came back to him. He dropped to his knees and put his hands on the cool earth. This was the closest he would ever get to Mary and Erin again. He closed his eyes and wished, once again, he could turn back time. He opened his eyes again and looked over his shoulder. Remus had walked back to James and Lily's grave. To give him some space, Sirius assumed, and he realized he was appreciating it more than he would have thought. Sirius looked down at his hands resting on the grave and bit his lip. "I am sorry."

It was all he had to say to them, and yet it meant so much. He didn't know what was taking some of the weight off his shoulders - actually visiting their graves for the first time or the fact that Mary didn't hate him when she died – but for some reason, the heaviness pressing on his chest and heart had become a little less explicit. He bent forward and kissed the earth. "I have always loved you too and always will," he whispered as a tear slid from his nose and fell to the ground. "Both of you."

He got back on his feet and reached for his wand to conjure two red roses. He didn't put them on the tombstone, like Remus had done with the lilies on the grave of James and Lily, but carefully placed them on the earth instead. He shot one last look at the grave and smiled to himself when his eyes fell on the cheesy line once more, shook his head as he snorted and rubbed his eyes before walking away. Remus was waiting for him at the kissing gate. He didn't say anything about his red eyes and, once again, Sirius was grateful for that. "Ready?"

Sirius took several deep breaths of cool and fresh outdoor air and grimaced. "It's not like I really have a choice, do I?"

"Not really, no," Remus said. "But there's still that memory waiting for you."

Sirius shot him a look. "I know. But I might not watch it immediately, or perhaps not at all."

Remus shrugged. "That is up to you."

And over the next few days, Sirius was determined to forget about Remus's memory, but that was easier said than done. The visit to the graveyard of Godric's Hollow had made a big impression on him and he was far more curious to see that memory than he wanted to admit. At last, a few days later when he was entirely on his own, he took his mother's old Pensieve from her room and placed it on the kitchen table. He put the engagement ring on the table before uncorking the ivory flask and watching how the silvery content was ceaselessly moving around the bottom. He was simply gathering strength for what he would be diving into, but his curiosity beat his fear in the end and he plunged right in.

He landed right in front of their house. The wind was positively howling and it was very strange to see the familiar apartment above the florist (he hadn't been there since 1981), but Sirius was even more shocked when the rushed and terrified-looking figure of memory-Remus materialized next to him. He cast Alohomora on the front door and stormed up the stairs with Sirius on his tail. Remus didn't need to repeat the spell when he arrived at the front door of their apartment, because it stood wide open. He cast one look around the corner and, once he had established the room was deserted, called: "Mary?"

No one answered. "Mary!" Remus repeated in a louder voice. "Mary, where are you!?"

Still no answer and after another moment of hesitation, Remus slowly ascended the stairs to the first floor of the apartment. Sirius followed him, but not before he had shot a look at the table with Mary's wand on it – Remus had been telling the truth – and when he finally arrived on the vestibule, Remus was just coming out of the bathroom. Apparently he was still looking for Mary, but there was no sign of her. But then Remus opened the door of Erin's room and Sirius's heart missed a few beats.

There were no Death Eaters in the room, but Mary lay right in front of Erin's crib. Sirius's eyes shot from her limp body to the tiny heap covered by a blanket that was probably Erin and back; Mary lay on her side with her hair partly covering her face. Remus had jumped forward and crouched down next to her. Sirius could hear his blood rushing through his ears when Remus was checking her pulse. "Thank God," Remus sighed as he stroke the hair out of her face. She looked ghostly white but didn't seem to have any external injuries.

Sirius wearily watched Remus crawling up and walking over to the crib. He took back the blankets and checked Erin's pulse, which – of course - wasn't there. The absence of her crying would be enough to fear the absolute worst, but apparently Remus wanted to know for sure before doing anything else. He knew now. He dropped his head on his arms and for a minute, he actually cried, which – even in this situation - looked odd to Sirius. He had seen Remus cry only once before and that was on Brice's funeral.

After another moment, Remus seem to pull himself together. He carefully covered Erin with the blanket before he walked back to Mary and lifted her up. She did not wake or move and looked already dead to Sirius, who had briefly turned away when Remus was covering Erin's body. And the scene changed…

Sirius was in St. Mungo's. Remus was standing in the door opening of a room and he was talking to Pierce, Mary's boss. The Healer was currently telling him that there was nothing they could do. Meanwhile, Sirius had turned around and found himself looking at Mary, laying perfectly still in the bed. He was shocked to see she was awake, listening intently to what Remus and Pierce were saying, her eyes full of shock, grief and pain. Sirius hurried over to her and stood next to the bed. In an impulse he lowered his hand to stroke her forehead, but his hand went right through and with a pang of frustration, Sirius remembered this was a memory and that he could not touch her.

Remus had finished talking to Pierce and was now leaning back against the door with a worried and scared look on his face. "Remus…" Mary said quietly and Sirius noticed how weak she really was.

He stepped back as Remus sat down on the chair next to the bed and took her hand, watched as he tried to soothe, to keep her calm. Sirius didn't know what to think when he witnessed how Mary desperately tried to tell Remus it was Peter who betrayed them. He understood her perfectly well, but had to admit that the incoherent stream of words coming out of her mouth wouldn't nearly be clear enough to convince Remus or anyone else who didn't know about the switch. He witnessed how Remus, who seemed to look more desperate by the minute, eventually promised Mary he would help Sirius, and that he would pass on her message.

And then he watched her die. Sirius forced himself to remember this part of the memory well, so that if he got another chance to kill Peter, he would keep in mind why he was doing it. He now had clear visions of a dead Lily, James, Erin and Mary, and that was more than enough to make him able to choke that treacherous rat with one hand. Sirius could only look at how Mary was slowly dying and it was more than painful to be unable to touch her, hold her, comfort her. All he could do was watch how Remus was holding her hand instead of him, and when she finally stopped breathing and Remus jumped up to kick the chair across the room, Sirius knew he had seen enough.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting like that at the kitchen table, staring at the Pensieve without seeing actually seeing anything, his eyes wet, but it was already dark when someone interrupted his reflections. "Black," an all too familiar unfriendly voice suddenly sounded behind him. It seemed to come the fireplace.

Sirius wheeled around on his chair as he simultaneously wiped his eyes: Snape's head was dancing in the flames. His old foe narrowed his eyes slightly; he seemed to have noticed Sirius's eyes were red, but apparently something was so urgent that taunting him about it seemed pointless. Sirius got up from his chair and crouched down in front of the fire. "What is it, Snape?"

"Potter," Snape replied. "Apparently he had a vision of you being tortured by the Dark Lord."

Sirius frowned. "But… I've been here the entire time."

Snape seemed to suppress a strong urge to roll his eyes. "Of course. What else have you been doing for the Order lately?"

"Hey, now listen-"

"-I don't have time for this. The Dark Lord made Potter see this, so he and his gang are off to the Department of Mysteries."

"What?"

"I'm just letting you know so you can warn the others. In the meantime, I will-"

"I'm going over there right now." He was already getting to his feet."

"Black, do you think it's wise to walk right into the Ministry when there's a thousand Galleon ransom on your head?"

"I don't care. If Harry is in danger, I will go over there no matter what."

Snape seemed to consider this for a moment and then said that Sirius should do what he thought was right. They said goodbye in a formerly manner and as soon as Snape's head had disappeared with a soft pop, Sirius put on his robes and grabbed his wand from the table. He was only thinking about one thing: getting to Harry as quickly as possible. He briefly wondered who he should alert first and if they would get to the Ministry in time as he stormed out of the kitchen without looking back, the Pensieve with Remus's memory of Mary, the box of old pictures and her engagement ring already forgotten.

-The End-

A/N: One more thing about Mary's wand: it was the wand Sirius took with him to the Department of Mysteries (another big mystery solved!) at the end of OOTP and used in his fight against Bellatrix. And we all know how that went…

I hope you guys liked this one as much as I enjoyed writing. This conversation between Sirius and Remus had been in my head for about six months before I could write it, go figure! -Mara