Captain Falcon pulled the Blue Falcon into a smooth landing. No sense in crashing like last time. Opening the cockpit, he stepped out onto a tall tower. Beneath it emanated the sounds of an enormous battle, the screams and cries of the dying and the dead filling the air. He nodded in approval. It wasn't exactly the track in F-Zero, but it was nice. The burning orange sky in particular really seemed to bring out the place's aesthetic. If only he didn't feel like he was being watched. He turned and was suddenly face to face with a huge, burning, lidless eye. It gazed down at him, filling his entire vision.

"FOOLISH MORTAL. YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE SAURON? YOU THINK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BLUE SHIP SCARE ME?"

Captain Falcon grinned. He might not understand fine wine, accounting, or even how to change the sheets on his bed, but he understood a threat when he heard one. He calmly walked up to the eye and kicked the flaming pupil as hard as he could.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" rumbled Sauron. "DON'T YOU KNOW I'M IMMORTAL? I CANNOT BE DESTROYED WHILE THE RING STILL EXISTS!"

Just then, there came a massive explosion from a nearby volcano. Both the Eye and Captain Falcon swiveled to look at it.

"WELL..." said Sauron. "THIS IS AWKWARD."

Captain Falcon leaped in the air, winking at Sauron before yelling "Falcon Kick!" His leg caught fire, and he rocketed downward through the tower, emerging into thin air about halfway up, leaving a gaping hole behind him. The tower began to collapse, the Eye darting about frantically as it started to plummet toward the ground. Captain Falcon clasped his arms over his knees and flipped several times to slow his momentum. He looked around, looking for something to stop his fall, while simultaneously pressing a button on the inside of his glove. He spied an eagle, winging its way towards the volcano. He angled his body towards it, straightening himself.

Gwaihir was not having the best day. First his friends had pulled him into their boneheaded plan to rescue Gandalf and the Fellowship, then he'd had to fight Nazgul, and now a damn tower was falling on top of him. He should have stayed back in Valinor. He wondered if he should just fly back now. They seemed to be doing a pretty good job without him, although there were those two figures by that volcano, so small he could barely see them. He turned toward them, and something hard struck him in the back. He looked over his shoulder, and glimpsed a muscular blue-suited man leaping off his back with a cry of "Show me your moves!" The man began to fall again, but was picked up in midair by some sort of blue eagle, unlike any Gwaihir had ever seen before. That was enough, thought Gwaihir. watching the blue eagle fly off and vanish. He was going home, there was no way he was in shape to fight a battle when he was hallucinating. He turned away from the two figures. He was sure they'd be fine without him.

"Is this the end, Sam?" asked Frodo weakly, magma pouring down the mountain toward the two of them. He looked up vaguely at his hand, seared with a bright red weal from constantly wearing the Ring. He didn't want to go, not like this. Not after they'd finally done it.

"No," cried Sam. "Look, Mr. Frodo, its an eagle! Its come to rescue us! Too bad you can't see it, but it is...awful...small." Sam watched in despair as the eagle disappeared into the horizon.

"Sorry Mister Frodo," he said tiredly, "But yes. There isn't any Tom Bombadil here for us this time."

(A/N): Enjoy the PAWNCH. /NN-gvLxF8vg?t=15m57s. Also, next time: Find out where Falcon came from, and why his list of bounties includes so many characters from other universes (and no, its not just because I'm bored)! See you then, on CAPTAIN FALCON VS. THE METAVERSE!