He gently closes the door, tries to be as quiet as possible.
The apartment bathing in total darkness.
He removes his jacket and shoes. Loosens up his tie.
Moves quietly to the living room and sits down in the sofa. Breathes out and relaxes.
Sits there, just thinking. Reflecting over his life.
How all his choice has gotten him here.
His life doesn't feel like his anymore.
He sighs.
Knows he has to face her.
Sooner or later.
Knows she waits for him to come upstairs.
Hopefully she was tired of waiting, and fell asleep.
But usually that's not the case.
He sighs once more. Wonders how it became like this, he dreading to come home, to see her.
Once upon a time it wasn't the case.
He rubs his forehead and goes towards the staircase.
He stops there, tries to listen. It's total silence.
Silence mixed with darkness.
It feels like his marriage, like his life now.
So fitting.
He makes his way upstairs, slowly and gently opens the bedroom door.
She is laying in the bed, face towards the wall. All he sees is her silouette.
He breathes out, maybe she is sleeping.
He really doesn't want to fight right now.
Nate takes off the rest of his clothes, lays down next to her. Face the other way.
Closes his eyes, feels her move beside him.
"It's late." She says, voice hard.
He knows that tone.
"I had to finish some papers." He sighs.
"I'm sorry" He adds and turns to sleep on his back. Hopes the conversation is ending on that note.
Knows that it probably won't.
"You could have called." She says, her face still facing the wall.
He knows he should have, but he didn't want to fight. He was trying to avoid this.
"Yeah, I am sorry."
She doesn't respond. He closes his eyes again.
Knows that this isn't the end of it.
"So why do you keep doing it then?" She asks, her voice a little softer now, a little more vulnerable.
It's so frustrating, having the same fight every night.
They are always on repeat.
He reaches out to touch her back, changes his mind and his hand just falls to the bed.
"You don't even bother to answer me." She spits the words.
He can feel anger rise.
"My job takes a lot of work. You know that."
She huffs.
"You wanted me to take it, you pushed me in that direction!" He is yelling now.
She knows that she did. She thought that was what she wanted, what they both needed. That politics were the right way to go. That being the wife of a congressman would be the most perfect thing in the world.
It isn't, it's lonely.
She doesn't want this life anymore.
She doesn't want this fight either. She just keeps bringing it up every night he comes in late.
It's what they do now.
"Do you miss her?" She suddenly asks. The question has been on her lips for days.
He freezes. Knows exactly who she is referring too.
"Rarely." He answers.
They both know that he is lying.
She knows he misses her. He knows that she has always known.
They are dancing around it.
She just asked cause she needed to hear the answer. Needed to know if he would be honest.
He wasn't. He failed the test.
"I do." She whispers.
And a tear escapes Blair's eyes as she closes them.
Nate closes his too, drifts away. Dreams of a different life.
Dan wants adventures, excitement and danger.
He never did before. Something in him has changed.
He's got this restlessness now.
A new kind of loneliness.
He wants to live a life worth remembering. And he isn't at the moment.
He isn't really living at all.
His days contains mostly of trying to write, maybe a walk in the park, a coffee alone on a cafe. And from time to time he sees Nate. Sits and hears him complain about his life.
A life Dan envies him, a life he wouldn't complain about.
He has got a wife.
He's got Blair.
Dan pushes the thought of her away.
It belongs in the past. Far behind him
But still too close in a way.
He wanders around his apartment.
It's mostly filled with books. A few furnitures, almost nothing on the walls. No pictures.
None of his family. None of his friends.
It's been too painful over the years.
Losing Jenny is still with him. It's still a wound, hasn't yet become a scar you can cover.
Serena is gone. In a sense, Blair is too.
And he can't have pictures of Nate all over his apartment.
What would people believe then?
What people? He thinks.
There is no people.
He is gone now. He grunted some words and vanished out the door.
She didn't see it though, she locked herself inside the bathroom.
Hates confrontation. Hates to see the desire in their eyes, see the longing for just one more night. Doesn't want hands all over her, doesn't want questions of numbers or second meetings.
She wants it to disappear.
When the buzz is gone, so is the fun.
So is the whole point of it all.
Because the point is to forget.
To be someone else for a while.
To not be her, the biggest screw-up in history.
Serena throws herself dramatically on the bed.
Reaches for her lap top. She needs change again, to travel somewhere else.
Three minutes later she has booked a flight to Tokyo.
It feels so freeing. To be able to do anything she wants.
But at the same time it feels so incredibly lonely. Because no one stops her, no one cares.
There is no one who needs her to stay, wants her to.
And that might very well be the worst feeling in the world.
She closes her eyes and drifts away. Thinks about the people back in New York.
The ones she left behind.
It feels like forever ago.
She sighs.
She misses them, she misses the city. Everything.
But she can't go back there.
Not now.
Maybe she never will be ready to go there again.
Fate is cruel like that.
Because minutes after booking the flight, Serena gets a call.
And it forces her to head back home.