Note: Thank you so much everyone for the feedback. It has defiantly pushed me to keep pursuing this story! I've already written a couple of chapters but I want to make sure they're perfect before posting. You're critic is much appreciated.
Thane was pulled from his meditation by the thudding of Shepard's boots against the steel floor. He was gently nestling against the stirring chaos of his fate, attempting to silence his demons with the weapon of his laced palms. Yet Shepard, the embodiment of chaos, pulled him from his efforts. She marched into his room brazenly, but halted a few feet behind him to grant them both a respectful distance.
"Excuse me for marching into your room like this." She began, "I rarely see you on the crew deck. " Thane twisted in his chair to view Shepard halting before his desk. She rested one hand on her hip while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear with the other. "And I need to brief you on our next mission."
"What is it you need?" He asked gently.
She crossed her arms. "It's time to see what your made of Krios. I'm heading to the Citadel tomorrow to … help Garrus with something."
Thane saw she was troubled. He assumed an assassination was what the commander had implied by "help." But she couldn't do it on her own. She wanted him to, naturally. He was curious about her confliction. He did not take her as someone who gunned men down in cold blood. But he restrained himself, spending his thoughts instead on a quick prayer of strength for his commander.
"All you need to do is tell me where to shoot Shepard. My arm is yours." He nodded.
Shepard stepped forward. Thane's eyes trailed her as she walked to the window overlooking the drive core. The blue light skipped down her pale skin as she gathered her thoughts. She turned to face him. "If what you say is true. If you view yourself only as a weapon to my wielding, you must know that my goal is to have as few casualties as possible. I need my entire crew to understand this."
This made more sense to Thane. He surmised that Shepard- though her skills like Thane were to take life, wanted nothing more then to spare it. He even guessed if there was a way for her to spare the collectors she would.
Shepard continued, "Garrus wants revenge. But I'm hoping we can settle this peacefully."
Thane shifted. "If you don't mind me asking Shepard. Why do you need me? My skills lie in taking life."
Shepard took a step forward. "There will be opposition. It is never as simple as gunning down one man. Who knows what we'll face before we reach the target."
"I see." He understood.
"You are a killer. " She paused. "Honestly, your morals frighten me Drell. But I need you on my team, and the fact that you are pliable is… well it is useful."
He was surprised by her honesty. The commander was of course referring to what he had said earlier, that his arm was hers, and that he would do anything she asked. She was respectful, but un-bashful about having control over him. He decided to entertain the thought rather than push it aside. "As I said Shepard, my arm is yours. I will do anything you ask."
"Anything?" She smirked and paced forward a step. "So if I pinned you against say Jack?"
"I'm not that foolish Commander." He grinned.
Shepard shrugged. "That would have been fun."
The drive core pulsed quietly against the silence that hummed between them. "That is all I needed to know." Shepard stretched and headed for the door, but paused before she passed Thane. "I hope your sickness isn't giving you trouble. You should visit Dr. Chakwas or Mordin, I'm having them work on something for you."
"I appreciate it Shepard. I doubt there is much they can do."
"I know we can't cure you Thane, but the pain is something that can be relieved."
"That is kind of you. But it is being attended to."
She looked down at him. "You said this the last time we spoke." She tensed.
Thane knew she despised pain. Shepard was a problem solver, sickness was a problem she could not solve with her strength and will. An image surfaced in his mind of the commander trying to beat down sickness with her fists. She would try if she thought it was possible.
"I need to make sure my crew is comfortable." She continued.
"I am very comfortable Shepard."
She opposed him with her perturbed eyes. Thane realized her pale blue eyes seemed harsh against her fair completion and black hair. It gave her an appearance of softness as well as intensity. Drell didn't have hair. It was a strange to see the substances piled about humans small heads like utensil. But Shepard's hair was unique to Thane. It was tamed and short, gleaming like black silk. A thought itched his mind. Would it feel like silk if he tangled his fingers through it? Thane was shocked by the images that thought triggered. Surely he wasn't attracted to a human. No not attraction, no… just curiosity. Shepard was attractive by human standards, not just physically; she intrigued him in many ways. But he doubted his curiosity could become a romance. Shepard simply had a way of triggering an animalistic response in males. Indeed he often witnessed the male crew acted differently around her. He overheard the discussion of pilots in the dining area making bets on which one could "bed" the commander first. It wasn't a secret, except to Shepard, that Jacob had feelings for her. He noticed whenever a man was added to the crew Jacob became more aggressive and territorial. What was it he called Thane? A "precise mercenary" was it? Shepard was oblivious, or pretending to not notice Jacob's frustration. Or perhaps she was just avoiding him. He didn't take her as the kind of woman to make advances on crewmembers anyways; she was too professional for that.
No. Thane did not have feelings for Shepard. At least, not yet.
"That is all I need to know." She straitened. "I want my crew to be comfortable and in top shape. Let me know if you need anything."
She was firm and strong, yet full of compassion. Thane thought she resembled ancient statues of the goddess Arashu- one hand spearing her enemies and the other nurturing her many children- the perfect marriage of gentleness and destruction.
"I will Shepard. In the meantime I will prepare for the mission."
And with that she turned and left. Thane closed his eyes, but found it difficult to meditate with the image of Shepard standing in front of him replaying again and again in his mind. Thanks to his perfect memory,he would never loose that image.
(Citadel: Warehouse District)
"You seem to be getting tense Garre." Shepard extended a hand towards Garrus' shoulder, but let it fall through the air and back to her side before he could turn. His rage pointed from the tip of his words with the tart bite of serrated nails.
"Harkin may know why Sidonis wanted to disappear. If so, he knows why were here and I don't want him tipping Sidonis off. "
Garrus turned. She nodded silently; she understood. "We won't find him standing here." Shepard motioned for Thane and Garrus to follow her through the doors toward the swarm of mechs and Blue Suns mercenaries waiting for them.
Gunfire. Shepard shoved herself behind a canister as the first of many grenades came her way. She gunned down a clumsy mech. The mech exploded, taking down two men. She exchanged her pistol for a sniper rifle, quickly filling it with incendiary ammo. A handful of approaching Blue Suns caught the corner of her eye.
"Garrus target the approaching troops." She called.
"On it."
Jane brought the rifle to her eye. A Salarian with a grenade launcher was suddenly in the middle of the lens. Her finger moved. He flew backwards into a pile of mechs.
"Nice shot!" Garrus cheered.
The rest of the launchers followed the first. Shepard lined them down.
No more grenade launchers. She reached again for her pistol and slapped in some disruptor ammo.
Shepard surveyed the area. She hadn't heard Thane at all. Where was he?
He darted across the corner of her eye. Like a phantom he transfigured across the barriers taking his enemy down in silent waves. He took down two Turians in three moves. First: he shoved one into the other with biotics. Second, he grabbed the closest Turian's head fringe to hold him in position. Third: his rifle was in his hands. Two bullets to the face-They both crumpled to the ground in blue chunks.
Well I see he is taking care of himself just fine. Shepard concentrated on the mechs swarming around her and Garrus. The fidgety things came down easily – she kicked the nearest one into the others and chuckled as they toppled over.
"Systems fail ure ure ure." The robot twitched and exploded.
"Interesting choice of last words." Shepard tripped the closest robot as it tried to take down her shields. She then grabbed the arm of a dismantled mech and used it to slap a few out of the way before she shot at them.
"I see you are enjoying yourself Shepard," Garrus remarked.
"Are you seeing these things die? This is hilarious." Shepard called back, slapping a few more. "Remind me to install some of these on the Normandy. They are great target practice." Shepard hollered as she sent the last mech flying back with her shotgun.
"All clear." Garrus called.
Shepard led them forward.
"I see them." Thane offered a warning before more Blue Suns mercs started firing.
Shepard dived behind a crate. "More? Thane and Garrus hold your position!" Two mercs had superior position overhead. Shepard readied her sniper. No sooner was the weapon in her hands then two men were sent back by her bullets. Mechs peeled around her barrier. Garrus helped her take them down as she used her rifle to pitch off one of their heads.
"Nice." Garrus cheered. Shepard looked for Thane, wondering if he noticed she was inventing a new sport with her new mech head.
He did notice. Thane sent what Shepard took as the last merc soaring through the warehouse and then met the commander's gaze. He stared for a moment, perplexed, worried. His eyes widened.
"SHEPARD! Behind you!" Garrus shouted. Shepard turned to see a mercenary whose weapon was now flying from his hands thanks to Thane's biotics. Shepard elbowed the Salarian and shot him as he spiraled to the ground.
Jane breathed. A vision instantly usurped her conscious. Flames hiss and coil around the twisting alloy. It utters an abhorrent scream as it crumbles. The explosion rips at my ears and I'm thrown backwards. "Steady yourself. Survey your environment. Find a way to survive." It's my training talking. But I know there is no way out. Not this time. I know it's over. I'm going to die. Silver light thwarted the corner of Jane's vision. Her heart pulsed so loudly she could feel the blood current through her chest and into her veins. The air thickened in her throat so that each breath painfully resisted her lungs. You're alive Jane. You're alive. You're fine. It's what she told herself on Akuze, on the Citadel. It's what brought her back after every battle. I'm not in space waiting to die. I'm in this room, with Thane and Garrus.
"Commander?" Thane was standing in front of Shepard. He extended his hand towards her.
It was then that she noticed she was on the ground. Her legs must have buckled. Shepard scowled, ashamed she was prostrated on the ground like a wounded animal. She pushed herself up and turned from Thane. Clearing her throat, she regained her senses. Her demeanor shifted, as though a shadow passed over her expression to veil her cavernous emotions. She was firm again, cold. "What are you both waiting around for? Lets move out."
(Citadel: Docking Bay)
Garrus and Thane trailed behind Shepard as she approached the Normandy in the docking bay. It was silent aside from the advertisements and the drumming of their footsteps on the hard floor.
Garrus spoke before Shepard could open the hatch. "Thank you Shepard. " he sighed. "We made the right decision sparing Sidonis."
Shepard swirled around to face her friend. "I'm here for you Garre. " She rocked back on her heels and punched him lightly on the shoulder.
"I let my feelings get in the way. It won't happen again Shepard." He nodded and entered the Normandy without them.
Shepard faced Thane, "I think I owe a thanks as well." She rubbed the back of her neck " I lost focus for a moment. I never do that on the field, but I did today. You saved my rear Krios. Thanks"
He shook his head. "I don't deserve merit Shepard. I have sworn to protect you, and will do so until… until I cannot any longer." He bowed his head respectfully.
Shepard dipped her head to mirror his gesture; she knew he meant, he meant to say, "Until I die." She continued, "I appreciate the sacrifice you are making to join this mission. I'm still unsure why you joined so hastily, or why this is important to you. Few aliens are bothered over missing humans these days… especially after what happened to the council…"
Thane shifted. "This mission means more to me then you understand." She was still ignorant of what she had done for him on Illium. He decided he would tell her later. He wasn't throwing his life away; He owed his life to Shepard.
Jane shook her head. "Really? Thane. You're very… interesting," she divulged. She quickly refurbished her words. "I mean, I can't figure you out. Your mannerisms are… strange."
"I take it you haven't met many Drell Commander." He swayed his left hand in the air and cocked his head.
"No I haven't." The commander crossed her arms. "Do you truly believe my soul, and not yours will be punished for every life you take?"
Thane shook his head. "N…No. I don't believe you are being punished. You are very awake commander. You are very… slow to take life."
"Then who is being punished?" She prodded.
'You worry yourself with questions you can't answer. Are you familiar with Ecclesiastes? "All is vanity and grasping for the wind."'
He was talking to her in parables. "What does that mean?"
"Meditate on it." Thane closed his eyes and folded his hands behind his back.
Shepard uncrossed her arms. Why was he so difficult? Why couldn't she figure him out? "Ok Thane. I was just trying to make conversation. "
Thane smiled as though the universe whispered a joke exclusively in his ear. "I will enlighten you. It is just that some things cannot be explained; they must be experienced. "
"How do you find these experiences?" Shepard's narrowed her eyes, trying to disguise her interest. She was fascinated with him. The way he moved, the way he killed. She envied his stillness. Did he have nightmares he couldn't suppress as she did? Or was he truly at peace?
"I believe they find you." Thane nodded his head towards the commander. "For instance. Few people have been through what you have. You survived Illois, the attack on the Citadel, even death. You must have learned some valuable lessons along the way."
Shepard shook her head. It seemed just the opposite. "I don't know about that Krios. I did what I did because I had to. I haven't had time to process the events or make philosophical conclusions about the nature of the universe."
Thane understood. "I didn't mean to imply solitude and introspection were the only means to enlightenment. " Shepard had discovered her own truths through her recklessness and destruction. Military strength had been honed in her, as the skills to take life had been honed in Thane. Thane observed she handled her power carefully, consciously. This was a reflection of a different line of discipline and self-control.
Shepard nodded. "So knowledge is gained by life altering experiences?"
"By life altering experiences, daily occurrences, nature, relationships, love."
Jane absorbed his words. "And how do the Drell deal with loss?" She meant to say, "How do you deal with loss?"
"Well," he laced his hands behind his back. "We are taught to release what is lost, knowing it will return to us in the next life."
"Do you?" She looked up at him.
"What do you mean?" He cocked his head.
"Do you release the things that you've lost Thane?" She hung on his answer.
He inhaled a beat. "I still hold on to some things."
Shepard knew she had asked something very personal of him. She quickly redirected the conversation. "It is surprising how little I know of your culture." She paced as she struggled to form her words appropriately. She wanted to express her interest in him in a way that was appropriate. "And yet it is more fascinating then Krogan war history or Asari politics."
"That is not surprising commander. We are a minority, and our culture is blending with the Hanar now. I doubt human history books cover many ancient Drell philosophies or customs."
"No. I learned nothing about Drell when I was in school, and I was a spacer. Spent my whole life in military space stations filled plenty of aliens. But I never met a Drell. I've seen Drell, but never met one. "
Thane's brow plate creased. He knew very little about the commander. The thought of her growing up in military schools seemed fitting. He wondered how young she was when she first held a gun. If killing had simply been part of her life from childhood as it had been in his. They had more in common then he realized.
"I would be happy to give you another history lesson if you have the time." He motioned for the commander to enter the Normandy. "But first, shall we?"
They both entered the ship. The air lock closed behind them. "Welcome back Shepard." EDI announced. "Decontaminating air lock."
They stood side by side as they waited for the decontamination to finish. Shepard kept her eyes forward, "You earned my trust today Thane. That isn't an easy thing to do."
Thane folded his hands, "I will do my best to not loose it Commander."
"This isn't a military ship Krios. Friends refer to me as Shep or Jane." She turned to face him.
He faced her as well. "Jane…" his rugged voice pulled at her unfamiliar name lightly, testing the sound of her on his lips.
This was the first moment their eyes exchanged what Thane would later call "a dance." Their gaze locked, and suddenly their thoughts were being exchanged through their eyes. Shepard's emotions shuffled across Thane's vision before dipping away. A hope at trust flirted and twirled behind her eyes. He felt his eyes convey the same- trust.
The air lock opened. "The air lock is ajar." EDI informed.
Joker grumbled. "I know EDI! I can hear it opening from here!"
Their gaze broke. Shepard realized she had forgotten to breathe. She steadied her lungs and turned her focus to the cabin.
"You ok in there Joker?" Shepard stepped into the cabin where Joker was attempting to swat at EDI's hologram with a data pad.
"No!" he growled.
Thane shadowed Shepard. "I don't believe swatting at her hologram is proving effective."
He growled. "You don't have to deal with her all damn day."
Jane chuckled. "You know she only does it to bother you right? She's discovered what makes you tick and now she's using it against you."
"Not a difficult task. Joker is bothered by all of my functions, namely the informative ones." EDI popped up and then disappeared.
"That's hilarious." Jane chuckled.
"Yea Jane I find it so very funny." Joker scrunched his nose as Shepard turned her back to him.
Jane headed for the elevator with the assassin at her heals. They both ventured to Life Support, where they chatted and shared for hours. He told her about growing up with the Hanar- the nature of their soul names. He spoke about his gods and Drell religion. Shepard devoured his words until she noticed their conversation had carried itself to an untimely hour.
She rose from her chair. "I should go. I didn't realize how late it was."
Thane gazed up at her. "It was a pleasure commander."
She smiled dumbly as she walked backwards to the door. "I'll come back later. Maybe you can show me how to meditate? I'll try to sit still long enough…"
He hid his smile behind his folded hands. "Teaching you to meditate would be like grasping for the wind. "
The commander paused. "So Grasping for the wind is a good thing?"
"No commander. I don't believe it is." He only smiled.
Shepard rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh. I think I understand what you meant. You meant it would be difficult because of my wild nature."
"Yes commander." Thane let a half-laugh escape his lips.
"So I figured out the riddle?" She was still very confused.
"Not quite. But you're getting close." Thane remarked.
She stood there with her hand resting on her hip for a moment, processing. Thane found it oddly adorable.
"Goodnight commander." He politely reminded her she was on her way out the door.
"Oh. Goodnight Thane. See you tomorrow." She stepped into the dark hallway and flashed Thane a friendly wink as the door closed in front of her.
Jane shuffled to the elevator and pressed the button for deck one. As soon as it landed she leapt down the stairs and collapsed on her bed.
"Grasping for the wind… grasping for the wind. Am I the wind? What is the wind?" She drifted to sleep trying to piece together Thanes words.
It wasn't long before she drifted into the same nightmare that claimed her every night. Flames hiss and coil around the twisting alloy. It utters an abhorrent scream as it crumbles. The explosion rips at my ears and I'm thrown backwards. "Steady yourself. Survey your environment. Find a way to survive." It's my training talking. But I know there is no way out. Not this time. I know it's over. I'm going to die. I can't breath. The air drains from my helmet as an unbearable heat spreads over my skin. Suddenly I'm no longer in space, but swimming in an ocean. I feel two pairs of hands lift me out of the water. I can breath. It's Thane. He pulls me to the shore and holds me in his arms. "Wake up." He whispers it again and again in my ear. "Wake from your battle sleep."