Brenda was pulled from her sleep at the sound of Mollie's soft whimpering she laid completely still waiting to see if Mollie was indeed up or if she was just dreaming. The covers began to move and a series of different sounds escaped the crib and it was clear that Mollie was wide awake. Brenda gently lifted Mollie and her panda into her own bed and pulled the covers over them both.
"I'm sorry about last night Mollie boo, I'm trying really hard to the right thing and now I don't know what is right anymore."
Mollie tried to fit her hand in her own mouth while staring intensely at her mother giving the impression that she understood every single word.
"I know it's so easy to fall for him but we're not going to go down that road it's you and me against the world just like always."
Brenda rolled over and grabbed the charm bracelet and held it out to show it to Mollie.
"He got this for you, do you like it?"
Mollie rolled over and leaned on Brenda in an attempt to grab the bracelet, she let out a frustrated sound when Brenda wouldn't let her have it.
"I know it's pretty but not jewelry before breakfast, so what do you say we go get something to eat."
Brenda checked her emails as Mollie sat next to her attempting to eat a banana but it seemed more was ending up on her clothes and in her hair. Brenda read quickly through an email from her parents asking when it would be a good time for them to visit, not something Brenda wanted to deal with right now. An email from Kelly she didn't even bother to open she was somebody Brenda had even less desire to hear from once again she found herself being sucked into the whole Brenda, Dylan and Kelly mess. Why had Kelly come down so hard on her when Dylan called her in LA when she knew all along that Sammy wasn't Dylan's son?
Kelly had made her feel so bad about being in contact with Dylan that she had caved and cut him out for her life for Sammy and Kelly's sake. And now to find out that she had been played by Kelly pissed her off.
She slammed down the lid of her lap top she thought she had done the right thing putting Sammy and Kelly ahead of herself but what good had it done. She had done everything possible to avoid being tangled up in any drama but here she was once again trying to makes sense of it all but failing miserably. Why was it that three of them all ways ended up in the same mess it seemed that no matter how many years pasted in some ways they never moved past high school.
Maybe it was really time to cut all ties once and for all for Mollie's sake. She thought she had done the right thing when she moved to London but maybe she hadn't made it perfectly clear but she doubted anything she said would make any difference, Kelly wouldn't believe her and Dylan would just ignore her.
Brenda thoughts were interrupted by a loud clanging sound looked up and started laughing Mollie sat in her high chair covered in oat meal and banana with a wide smile on her face her bowl was upside down on the floor. She lifted Mollie up and carried her out into the bathroom Brenda kissed her sticky face, leave it to Mollie to bring her out of her gloom.
Dylan rolled over covering his face with the pillow her had been up most of the night after Brenda had kicked him out he had wandered around London trying to figure out how to make it up to her. The first thing he had done when he got back to the hotel had been to call Kelly he needed to find out what exactly had happened between her and Brenda in LA and he needed to know what role Kelly had played in Brenda cutting him of. The way she had answered the phone had set the tone for the rest of the conversation.
"Where are you?" Dylan fought hard to remain in control but it was hard he wasn't sure he was ever going to get over what she did to him.
"I'm in London Kelly"
"Why am I not surprised?"
"I don't know surprises seem to be your department." Dylan covered his eyes no matter how much he pretended it still hurt to think about what she had done to him.
"Dylan please I apologized a million times."
"Nothing you say will ever make what you did okay, what you've done to me is one thing but to screw over you own kid like that seriously fucked up."
Dylan's voice softened "how is he doing?"
"He's good thanks for asking, you can tell Brenda he's crazy about star wars Lego she sent him."
Dylan wasn't surprised that Brenda would do something like that it was so typical of her to do something like that.
"Kelly what did you tell Bren about Sammy?"
Kelly snorted "what did she tell you?"
"Nothing I want to know what you told her and why you didn't tell her the truth about me not being his father."
"Because it's none of her business."
"But you had no problem bitching about me contacting her, you made her feel guilty every chance you got and you used her feelings for Sammy to your advantages."
Kelly smirked "wow she's really working you."
Dylan sighed "you don't get it she's loyal to you and Sammy she won't even talk to me."
"Maybe she's just doesn't want anything to do with you, did you ever think that?"
Dylan growled "it's because of you and whatever guilt trip you've laid on her."
Kelly's voice rose "if you already made up your mind then why are you calling me, why waste your time on me instead of spending it with your precious Bren."
"I already told you I want to know what your role is in all of this."
"I'm so done with you; just leave me the hell alone"
"Fine" Dylan hung up the phone and fell back on the bed.
Brenda adjusted Mollie in the baby carrier making sure that her hat and boots where on and that she was ready to go to the park. Brenda was excited to show her daughter snow for the first time and a trip to the park could be a welcome break from the thoughts that just wouldn't leave her alone. Feeling confident that she had everything she needed she made her way down the stairs Brenda pulled open her apartment building door and shivered a little when the cold hit her.
It seemed that after all this time the Minnesota in her had left and winter in London made her shiver just as much as the next person. She quickly decided that the trip to the park would be a short one with a few stops along the way Mollie who was strapped to the front of her mother in the baby carrier made huge eyes as they made their way down the snow covered streets.
Brenda brushed the swing free of snow and sat down on the cold seat and slowly began to swing back and forth. Brenda looked down at Mollie and saw a surprised look on her face it seemed like she was trying to figure out what she thought of the swing.
Brenda stopped and leaned over and scooped up some snow from the other swing. She held the snow close to her daughter and with the other hand took of Mollie's glove the child eagerly grabbed the snow but dropped it almost immediately inspecting her hand and then she looked up at Brenda as if to say "what was that?"
Brenda laughed as she put Mollie's glove back on "I know it's cold baby" she picked up some more snow and crushed it her hand and showed it to Mollie, but she seemed to have lost interest in the snow after having touched it.
Brenda shivered and decided that it was time to leave she crossed the street and made her way towards an area she knew well. She pulled open the heavy double doors and a familiar scent filled her nose this had been her home away from home for a long time. As she opened the last set of doors a familiar voice filled the room.
"Next please" she stood in the back and watched as a young man began to perform.
She unstrapped Mollie sat down a few rows behind the director and quietly observed enjoying being back in a theater when she first adopted Mollie she had decided to take a leave of absence but for how long she hadn't decided.
"So are you just going to sit there or do you plan on showing them how it's done."
Brenda leaned forward "Roy you know I'm not working right now."
Roy Randolph stood up "15 minute break everybody."
The lights in the theater was turned up and Roy sat down next to Brenda "so this is the young lady robbing me of my favorite leading lady."
Mollie buried her face in her mother's chest not feeling up to talking Brenda kissed the top of her daughter's head understanding her shy side.
"This Mollie but she's a little shy."
Roy shrugged not being a big baby person "so what do you think you'll be ready to work again?"
"I don't really know right now we're just settling in so it might be a while."
Roy reached over and grabbed a stack of papers "will you at least look this over?"
Brenda took the papers "I'll read it but don't expect anything more than that."
Brenda hurried home the cold was getting to her and Mollie was in desperate need of a nap she had started fussing at the theater cutting her meeting with Roy short. Brenda just hoped they would make it home before she fell asleep.
Brenda stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Dylan waiting for her Dylan closed the space between them. "What do you want?"
"Can we talk?" Brenda sighed really wanting to turn him away but she knew she didn't have it in her to turn him away not now not after what she had learned.
"Just for little while and I don't want a repeat of last night" Dylan crooked his finger under her chin and tilted her face upwards "I promise."
Brenda gently took of Mollie's snowsuit and hat; the little girl could barely keep her eyes open. When Brenda lifted her out of the baby carrier and walked towards the bedroom she lost the battle and fell asleep.
Brenda sat by the crib smiling at the peaceful look on her daughter's face being around Mollie calmed her in a way that no one had ever done before and she continued to be amazed by how much she enjoyed motherhood. Brenda stopped in the door way and stole another glance before carefully pulling the door closed behind her and made her way into the living room.
She found Dylan standing by the window she could see his body jerked letting her know that he knew she was in the room. Silence filled the room as they both remained in their places Brenda knew he needed to talk but she knew from experience that when he was ready he would talk.
"Why did you decide to adopt Mollie?"
Brenda frowned a little she was surprised that he wanted to talk about this now. She really didn't want to go into the whole thing but how could she expect him to be honest with her if she wasn't.
"It was a mix of things."
"Like?"
Brenda knew he wasn't giving up; she swallowed a big lump taking a second to get her emotions under control she stood up.
"I felt like it was the right time
"Bren!"
"I found out that I won't be able to get pregnant."
"Oh Bren"
Dylan could hear the sadness in her voice he turned around and reached out to take her in his arms but Brenda held out his hand and stopped him.
"I don't want your pity, I have Mollie and I love her more than I thought I could ever love anybody. When I held her in my arms for the first time I knew that she was meant to be in my life and the fact that I haven't given birth to her doesn't change that."
"It's not pity I know how much it must have hurt you."
Brenda looked down and nodded the tears burned in her eyes but she refused to cry again. She had done enough crying over her medical condition and she had wasted enough time crying about something that wasn't going to change.
"Being sad about it doesn't change anything I have Mollie and I'm getting on with my life."
"I just wish I had been there for you."
"It wouldn't have changed anything I'm used to being on my own this wasn't any different."
Dylan stood behind Brenda and before she could protest he wrapped his arms tightly around her and pressed his lips against her hair.
"You're allowed to bed sad Bren."
Brenda relaxed in his arms and for a moment she allowed herself to enjoy being close to him again.
"You know I hadn't thought about having children since… well in a long time. But when the doctor told me that it wasn't an option for me I felt like lost something. I know it's stupid because how can you lose something you've never had and I know it was like I had found somebody to start a family with. But I still would really like to have had the option."
"I remember when we talked about having kids you were so certain that having kids were a part of your future. So I can understand how you felt like you lost something you were convinced you were going to have some time down the line. But now you have Mollie."
"Yes and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me."
"You're a great mom"
Brenda smiled as she sat down on the sofa.
"You've only seen us together for a couple of hours."
Dylan walked closer to the window needing to put a little distance between Brenda and himself.
"That's long enough for me to see how much you love her and how committed you are to doing the right thing by her and that makes you a great mom from where I'm standing."
"I guess if I fail with her it doesn't matter much what else I do."
"You know she just screamed it at me when we were having a fight" Dylan's shoulders sunk as he spoke "she said that she hadn't been sure from the beginning but she hoped that he was mine."
Brenda bit her lip not wanting to spew all kinds negative comments Kelly because she knew that wouldn't help the situation.
"I tried really hard to do right by her and Sammy but it just felt wrong trying to have a relationship with her I told her that I wanted to be in Sammy's life but that I couldn't be with her."
Dylan turned around and locked eyes with Brenda "I think she knew all along that I wasn't where I wanted to be and she blamed you."
Brenda sat up "but we weren't talking at that time."
Dylan sat down next to her "just because we weren't talking doesn't mean that she couldn't sense that my heart was somewhere else."
"Dylan please"
Dylan reached out and took Brenda's hand "no Bren I need you to know that truth and how everything got so screwed up."
Brenda inhaled deeply silently urging him to go on.
"I really worked hard at being the father I wanted to be, I got up with him at night tried to be there for Kelly. But there were times in the middle of night when it was just me and Sammy when I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if it had been you sleeping in the next room."
Brenda put her other hand on top of his Dylan exhaled sharply "do you any idea how guilty I felt sitting with my infant son in my arms and wishing that you were his mother?"
"That's not fair Dylan."
He immediately pulled his hand away.
"Don't you think if you only knew how guilty I felt that's, why I knew I had to end things with Kelly before it became even more screwed up. I didn't want my son to grow up the way I did in a house with two people who couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other and that's why I knew I had to move out before that happened."
"You didn't tell Kelly all of this did you?"
Dylan shook his head "no not all of it I value my life a little too much to let her in on all the gory details."
Brenda gave him a weak smile "some things are better left unsaid."
Dylan grabbed Brenda wrist brushing his thumb over her pulse point "and some things shouldn't be hidden any longer."
Brenda tried to pull away but Dylan didn't let go "Dylan we can't go down that road again, I have Mollie now and she is everything to me and I'm not going to allow her life to be filled with drama and chaos."
"Bren I wouldn't let that happen."
Brenda's eyes filled with tears.
"I know you wouldn't let I happen on purpose but with your history with Kelly and our history it's bound to happen."
Dylan reached out to wipe her tears away but Brenda pulled away and stood up, Dylan followed Brenda letting his hand fall to her shoulders and his lips pressed to the top of her head. "We won't let it happen."
Brenda turned around and wrapped her arms tightly around Dylan's waist inhaling his familiar scent. Dylan felt his whole body relax when she was in his arms and a smile formed on his lips as he felt her hot breath through his T-shirt.
Brenda loosened her hold on him moving her hands from his waist bringing them up to his cheeks and bringing his head down resting her forehead against his.
"Everything inside me wants nothing more than to say yes and start again."
Dylan's hands slit to her hips desperately wanting to keep her close "then do Bren say yes, please."
Brenda opened her eyes slowly "I just can't Dylan we can't be your replacement family."
Dylan pulled her flushed against him "no Bren, you and Mol could never be a replacement, don't do this."
Tears ran down Brenda's cheeks as she pushed Dylan away wrapping her arms around herself "I have to and you have to leave now."
"Bren no!" Dylan reached out to touch her but she stepped away.
"Dylan leave now."
Realizing that she wasn't changing her mind her slowly he left the living room stopping in door way "Bren."
Brenda walked further away from him "Dylan please leave."
Brenda walked over to the window it had started showing again the sound on the front door closing made her jump. When she saw Dylan down on the street she couldn't hold back any longer the tears slipped from her eyes and ran down her already wet cheeks.