Her Sickness is Her Home

by KH-Scribes

Regina suffers from an eating disorder and has since she was a child. Eventually after passing out in the house Emma takes her to the hospital. Slowly but surely she starts to recover. This is the story of her disorder, her recover, her relapses, and her family helping her. CW: eating disorder - more inside High T [Edited Complete]

2. We Can Make it Through

AN: So here is chapter 2.

Trigger warning for eating disorders, child abuse and in this chapter rape and miscarriage.

Song in this chapter is Courage by Superchick.

Disclaimer, I do not own these characters or the show of Once Upon a Time or the song.

I don't have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

Bold means a flashback or dream sequence, and Bold Italics are the lyrics, and Italics are thoughts.

---

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

"Leopold. Please stop. No."

Leopold continues his caressing of his new wife's body. She closes her eyes and tries to forget what is happening to her body. She can't and it reminds her of how she felt when Cora would hurt her and slap her if she ate. And slowly tears start to form in her closed eyes as his movements continues.

Emma looks down at Regina who keeps kicking her legs and all of the sudden her legs go limp and she starts to curl into herself. At this Emma starts to try and wake Regina. She had been trying to wake her girlfriend for a while but Regina was too far into the dream that nothing was waking her. Now that Regina was still Emma hoped that she could wake up the older woman.

"Gina, honey."

She says shaking the shorter woman's shoulder, silently cheering at the fact it felt just the slightest bit less bony.

"Gi, wake up sweetie."

Still tapping shaking the woman. Slowly Regina looked around and realized where she was in their home in their bed.

"Emma. I was dreaming, I dreamt of Leopold."

Emma immediately wraps her arms around Regina and starts to rock her,

"He isn't here. He is gone. You are safe. You are loved. You have so much worth. I love you. I love you."

Regina eventually calmed down,

"I love you too."

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

It was Regina's appointment at the hospital for her weight to be checked and her session with Dr. Hopper. It had been 2 months since her first time where she said she wanted to get better.

It hadn't been easy at all.
'I want the weight, but I don't. I hate feeling this way.'
Emma notices Regina's bouncing leg in the car as Henry taps Emma on the shoulder from the back of the car, pointing out that the granola bar Regina had grabbed for her snack wasn't eaten yet.

"Gina, honey. You will be okay."

She then places her hand on Regina's thigh

"You gotta eat."

Regina shakes her head,

"Emma please. No. I-I can't. I am so nervous."

Emma takes the bar while driving and opens it. Breaking of half, she hands the half to her girlfriend.

"Just this Gi."

Regina nods and takes a bite chewing slowly,

"Thank you Em… I'm sorry…"

Emma pulls up to the hospital but before she can speak Henry sits forward so he can see his moms,

"Mom. Stop saying sorry. Please. You are getting help and that is what matters."

Regina turns to her son smiling,

"Thank you, Henry. Now you're headed over to the library to finish some school work?"

Henry nods, awkwardly giving his mom a hug and then turning to his ma giving her a hug too.

"See ya later guys, Love you."

He says leaving the car and walking away slinging his backpack on. Emma grabs Regina's bag and puts the other half of the granola bar into it. Unbuckling herself she gets out and opens Regina's door for her.

They walk towards the hospital door hand in hand and check in, sat in the waiting room for the doctors to call them. Eventually Dr. Groves and Dr. Hopper walk in

"Ms. Mills"

both Regina and Emma stand up and walk towards the room which had slowly but surely became the hospital room for the Mills family and Emma's family when needed too.

I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

"So, Regina, how have you been?"

Dr. Hopper asks as Dr. Groves gets the weight-height chart set up. Regina just shakes her head; she never answers any questions before she gets weighed.

"So, Regina, a week ago you were 98 pounds which meant you had gained 8 pounds in 3 weeks. Let's see how well you've done since then."

Regina hadn't been telling Emma that when she was at work, she hadn't been eating lunch at all… Stepping on she closes her eyes hoping she had gained some or stayed the same.

When the triangle went down instead of up Regina just stared towards the number. 97.
'I'm a failure! Fuck up! Nothing!'

"I'm so so sorry Emma! I'm trying!"

Emma just holds her girlfriend,

"Regina? How?"

Regina looks up at Emma and sighs

"I, I haven't been eat-eating lunch…"

"Oh Regina. Honey."

Holding onto her girlfriend tighter she rubs the dark-haired woman's back. They slowly sit on the bed. Regina just sighs and looks at the doctors, looking back towards Emma she places her head onto the blonde's neck and just sighs. Emma looks up mouthing to the doctors to please leave them the doctors walk out nodding.

"Gina? Please look at me."

Regina moves her head but refuses to move her eyes towards the green ones looking at her.

"Gina?"

Eventually Regina gives in and stares into the eyes she had been avoiding and sighs slowly she brings her hand to her wrist and makes a circle as far up as her arms she can go. Emma notices this, she also knows what Regina is doing, and that it's a way for Regina to cope with recovery she can still have some control if she can make a circle to a certain spot on her arm.

Slowly Regina gets to a point where her fingers can no longer meet, and Emma stops the tan hands from doing what she knows they will do next – dig into the skin there.

"Regina, it is okay. You will be okay. For now, do you want me to stay with you at your lunch break?"

All Regina does is nod, Emma sighs in relief and thinks 'at least she wants help', while Regina's thoughts are a mix of confusion
'If I gain weight Emma won't love me, but she is worried I'm too skinny, but I'm a burden.'

The vicious cycle of racing thoughts continue, that is until she spews in her mouth and slowly swallows the vomit.
'I finally have control'

"Regina? What did you just do? Please don't tell me you did what I think you did?"

With this Regina tries to answer cockily,

"What do you think I did dear?"

However, she cannot disguise the smell that is now on her breath and Emma just shakes her head.

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

Whale and Archie walk in at this moment and both notice the tension that is between the women. Archie then makes the decision,

"Emma, will you please sit in the waiting room while Regina and I have our session."

Emma looks confused but before she can respond Regina gives her a look that say 'leave' without having to say anything and Emma has left the room Dr. Whale following her out and he then turns to do his rounds with other patients. Emma sits with a sigh and slumps in the uncomfortable hospital chairs.

Archie walks over Regina who is sat in the hospital bed instead of the chair that Archie also pulled over for her.

"Regina. Please be open for me today in this session. Emma is worried and now you also have Whale and I concerned. You seemed so ready to change."

At this Regina scoffs,

"I am changing! I am hiding it better!"

She says with power that hides how out of control she feels.

"Regina, you and I both know that is not what we mean, so tell me why you feel you need this?"

The Psychologist asks calmly. At this Regina thinks
'Why do I need this? It's not weight. I realised that last week. And I have control know. Why do I need this?'

"Why do I need this? Why do I need this? Why? Why?"

Slowly Regina rocks back and forth getting gradually louder asking herself over and over why she needs this disorder that has changed her.

Archie gets off of his chair and slowly moves towards the bed, noticing that the dark-haired woman had worked herself into a panic attack.

"Regina, it's me. Archie. I am here. You are in a hospital bed. It is Thursday. Can you hear me?"

Regina only nods however her thoughts are more than silent
'I'm sorry. Emma. Henry. I'm sorry. I hurt myself. I am sorry.'

"Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry."

Archie speaks up again,

"Regina, speak to me. What is going through your mind?"

And at this moment Regina travels back and curls into herself.

"I can't, I can't be pregnant. This. This cannot happen."

Regina lies on her bed as the midwife cleans up and leaves the room,

"Would you like me to bring his highness in?"

The midwife asks to Regina. Regina just shakes her head dismissing the midwife. This was the one lady who knew what was happening to the dark haired woman. The one who would help her after the king dismissed Regina from his bed chambers. The midwife nods in understanding and leaves the room.

Regina no longer is in that moment but instead of the flashback ending her mind flashbacks to three months after that day.

"How could you?! How could my queen be so careless as to lose her own child?!"

King Leopold's voice booms causing Regina to slightly jump.

"I am sorry your king. I should have been careful. I regret not giving Snow a sibling."

"You are not to enter my chambers from now until I say."

Silently Regina thanks the God she is not sure she believes in that she won't have to deal with her 'duties as queen and wife' for a while. But also, silently hating herself for losing her child.

Finally, Regina comes back from her episode but a distance in her eyes is there and stays.

"Regina. Can you hear me?"

Regina slowly comes out of her distance and becomes aware of where she is.

"Yes."

Archie nods and slowly calmly asking the question.

"Where were you?"

'Where was I? I was just reliving hell that still haunts me'
Regina thinks sombrely before shaking her head.

"I'd rather just say it was unpleasant memories."

Archie smiles and looks at Regina's hands and back to her asking silently if he can hold her hands. Regina nods, the doctor the grasps her hands lightly.

"Relapses happen Regina. Nothing is wrong with that. However I do know what you did before Emma left. And I want you to know that vomiting and swallowing in your mouth repeatedly causing very serious damage to your throat and teeth.

Do not do that. Or at least refrain as much as you can. But as I said relapses happen, just call me or Whale when they do. Tell Emma. You have a support system. You can get through this."

Regina listens knowing how right the doctor is and nods some tears escaping.

"I felt like I failed. I guess I still do but you helped. Thank you, Archie."

Archie squeezes Regina's hands which even she can see have changed even in just colour in the last three months.

"I'm going to go get Emma if you'd like?"

The dark-haired woman smiles and nods,

"Yes please."

And with that Archie leaves.

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

Emma walks into the room, after sighing in happiness once Archie had come out of the room and told her she could go in. Tentatively she steps towards the bed that her girlfriend is on and looks at the red rimmed brown eyes that belong to her love.

"Hey Gi? I just wanted to say sorry for how I acted earlier. I know you are trying your hardest."

Regina shakes her head back and forth,

"Emma, you just want to help me. I understand. I need that help."

The blonde just nods and sits next to her girlfriend.

"I love you. Remember that?"

Emma says; however, Regina's response is not verbal but physical and she kisses the blonde before mumbling into the kiss "I love you too". Pulling away Regina grabs Emma's hand,

"let's go get Henry and go home. Also, do you still that half of my granola bar?"

Emma smiles widely nodding and handing the bar to Regina before they stand up and walk out of the hospital driving to go get Henry from the library.

Regina unbuckles her seatbelt and walks into the library, smiling she sees her son head down in a book she slowly walks over to him, waving at Belle as she goes.

"Hey prince"

She says kissing him on the head, Henry quickly closes the book and covers the title before lightly shrugging off his mom,

"I'm not a baby anymore mom, but hey."

Regina steps back before sitting down in the seat next to her son.

"I'm sorry Henry. Um, what is your book?"

She asks wondering why he is hiding it.

"It's nothing mom, I'll grab my stuff and meet you in the car."

Regina nods, before having a thought.

"I'm going to talk to Belle quickly so I will see you in the car, tell your Ma I will be right out please?"

Henry grabs his stuff stuffing his book into his backpack and walking out of the library.

Regina walks over to the desk where Belle's head is stuck in a book.

"Hey Belle."

Belle looks up from her book, quickly grabbing her bookmark and sliding it into her pages.

"Hey, Regina. You are looking well! Did you need anything?"

Regina smiles at the compliment.

"Thank you very much dear. I was wondering if you could please tell me what book Henry was reading?"

Belle nods and quickly looks at her log book for the last book checked out by Henry. Reading the title, she slightly hesitates before looking up at the woman in front of her and answering,

"It's a book called, 'Food to Eat', it's about recipes for people with. For people who struggle with, with eating disorders…"

Regina just nods and leaves with a simple "oh, thank you."

Hopping into the car, Emma looks over at Regina and lightly grasps the tan hand, before starting the car and driving to their house. Pulling up to the house the family all hop out of the car and walk to the house.

"Um Em, I need to talk to Henry. Can you stay down here please? Also, could you start making something for lunch please?"

Emma looks at Regina oddly but then nods,

"Sure. I'll make some sandwiches; do you want some soup from last night with it?"

Regina smiles,

"Soup would be lovely dear. I shouldn't be too long talking to Henry."

And with that Emma and Regina quickly kiss before Regina makes her way up stairs to Henry's room.

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when, but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(Together we'll make it through somehow)

Knocking on Henry's door Regina slowly announces it is her and she walks in after a small "come in mom" comes from behind the door. Henry is sat on his bed the same book he had earlier Regina assumes on his lap writing some kind of notes beside it.

"Henry. I know what book you're reading and I just wanted to tell you. That what I'm going through, you shouldn't have to worry about it or me. But I thank you for wanting to see what food I may prefer to eat."

Henry nods and slowly Regina sees that tears are forming on her sons' eyes.

"Henry, look at me,"

He slowly raises his head.

"I am so sorry that I made you so worried and that you are caught up in this. But I am getting help. I want to get better. Now what are those notes I see something about a lasagne there."

The young boy nods and smiles widely.

"Yup! There was a recipe for how to make it with like less salts and stuff. There was also one for like a dessert type thing with honey, yoghurt, oats and nuts which actually looked pretty good!"

Regina smiled widely along with her son nodding animatedly.

"Those sound awesome! So, do you want to go through the recipes and find what ones you think I'd like?"

She says laughing as Henry nods and pulls out the post-its, he has,

"I'm already on it mom!"

"Great! Now let's go downstairs. Your ma is making sandwiches and heating up the vegetable soup from last night."

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

Regina and Henry walked down the stairs to see Emma had set out plates and bowls of ham and cheese sandwiches, with the vegetable soup. What caught Regina by surprise was that Emma had not started eating it.

Slowly Emma looked over at Regina and pulled a box from her jacket pocket, kneeling down on one knee she looks up at Regina and smiles widely.

"Regina 5 years ago a boy brought me here to help save this town. 3 years ago I promised happy endings. And as I kneel before you know for 2 years, we have been happy, and I found that my happy ending is you.

So, we will work through every battle and we have for years, and I will stand by you through everything. So, Regina Alta Mills will you be my happy ending and I hope I can be yours, and become my wife?"

Regina looks down at her girlfriend who is now crying along with her and nods smiling widely.

"Yes! Yes! I will be your happy ending! And oh Emma you are so much more than just my happy ending! I love you!"

"I love you too Regina."

And with that Henry pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the couple completely oblivious to the world around them at this moment.