MORE THINGS EMMETT CULLEN IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO
He is never allowed near a sub sandwich.
He cannot blow anything up. Ever.
Dynamite IS NEVER TO BE CONSUMED. EVER.
Fireworks may have pretty colors, but the pretty colors will have consequences when set off in the police department.
Especially under Charlie's chair.
Jacob is not "a psychotic little wiener-rat-dog".
Emmett is not allowed to hum "Sexy Back" when someone else's girlfriend walks by.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the Volturi spontaneously combust.
Even though that would be a favor to the world.
But it is not considered a favor to the world if Emmett positions himself on a podium with a huge sign that says "I'm Single".
Especially in the middle of an all-girl academy.
Jasper IS NOT GAY.
Carlisle NEVER robbed a bank.
Because Esme shot JFK is NOT why the Cullens moved to Forks.
And he should NEVER tell ANYONE numbers 12, 13, and 14.
This list is not to be burned by Emmett.
Just so you know, raccoons ARE NOT weapons of mass destruction.
Because sometimes Emmett thinks they are.
Voldemort IS NOT real.
And even if he was, his name would not be Aro Volturi, Alec Volturi, or Jane Volturi.
Jane is (probably) not homo.
Emmett is not absolutely the sexiest man alive.
He may come close. But he's not.
Matches are to be used only for lighting candles.
Not Esme's good table cloth.
Or the fuse on dynamite.
Snow globes are ONLY to be used for decoration.
Emmett is not the God of All Things Inappropriate.
He may come close. But he's not.
He is not allowed to call Edward "a violent little boy" when Edward tries to attack him when Emmett thinks about Bella in a bikini.
It's just his nature, he can't help it!
Emmett is not allowed to change the time on any clock.
He is not allowed to perform surgery.
Or transplants.
He is not allowed to hack into the president's email.