Author's Notes – The characters of NCIS:LA are not mine. I am simply borrowing them for a spell.
Welcome back all! I wanted to just say a few things before letting you get on with Chapter Two.
First, I highly recommend that you read What Now before moving forward with this story. I know I said in the first chapter that it would doable to skip reading the story that birthed this one, but I have to say my stance has changed. I am not sure the reader will be able to understand the gravity of this one without having the background of its predecessor. I spent most of Wednesday re-reading and taking notes on What Now, so I can make sure there is continuity between the stories. After accumulating seven pages of notes, it struck me just how important the background of What Now is going to be on Follow My Lead. I want to make sure I address any questions that may have been posed in the first story as well as develop the points that were left to assumptions.
Second, returning to this story has been in the back of my mind for a couple of weeks and I was simply rebuilding confidence in my ability to do it justice. I am not entirely sure I can do it justice, but I am definitely interested in going forward with my attempt.
Third, I already have written through chapter four and am moving onto chapter five. The basic idea I had in mind when I picked this back up has already shifted, so I think we are all in for a ride!
Finally, please leave comments and suggestions! I thrive off making sure I am as spot on as possible with the characters and I am aware the readers are the best resource in ensuring that happens. Let me know what you think! Also, let me know if there are missteps or if there are questions that you have which are not being answered!
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Pulling into the driveway of the safe house, Callen takes a breath before loading his arms with the multiple bags of groceries he just purchased. He reaches the door and fumbles with his keys as he tries to avoid dropping everything in the process. Finally managing to gain entry, he walks past Nell saying a quick hello as he goes straight to the kitchen. She is seated on the couch with her laptop and he is heartened to see her partaking in the activity. He can count on one hand the number of times she has even ventured close to technology. Callen knows part of the reason is all the coverage the case garnered. Even though her name was never included in the reports, it was hard for her to see the constant barrage of images and debates on the various news channels. Everyone seemed to have an opinion and there were several who were quite critical of the way the case was handled. Of course, none of them really knew the extent of what was done to stop the maniac.
Pushing aside his thoughts, Callen goes to work unloading the bounty and organizing the ingredients. It has been awhile since he has really cooked much of anything, but he knows Nell enjoys cooking and he is banking on her joining him. He starts the prep work moving at a slower pace than he would have otherwise. It is only early afternoon, so there is plenty of time to get everything together. After getting the vegetables ready, he looks through the cabinets to find the wok and places it on the counter. As he waits for the device to heat, Callen opens the wrappers and sets them aside for later use. Testing the wok with a sprinkle of water, he finds the temperature just right.
Reaching over he grabs the oil and a few other ingredients to start the process. He is so absorbed in the moment, that he completely misses Nell come into the room. Her voice startles him slightly, "Egg rolls, huh." Keeping his back to her, he smiles as he nods his head. He feigns indifference in the hopes she will step in to help him. "I didn't know you knew how to make egg rolls."
He shrugs his shoulders, "I haven't made them for a long time, so I guess we will see how much I remember." He gestures for her to hand him the bowl of vegetables as he tries to dodge the oil that is popping entirely too much in his opinion. Snapping his arm back as a couple drops make contact, he lets out a low curse. "I forgot how painful the process can be." He hears her laugh as she moves beside him and dumps the contents of the bowl into the wok. Callen stirs the vegetables folding them into the seasoning as he goes.
After a short pause, he hears Nell laugh once again. "It's never gonna cook if you don't let it be for a minute." He feels her hip push him away from the wok as she covers it with a lid. "Let the flavors blend Callen." He gives her a mock salute along with a smile and moves to the counter pulling out more vegetables. As he gets busy preparing the next step of dinner, Callen hears Nell take over the cooking of the contents of the wok. Knowing she has it under control, he moves a little bit more quickly to get everything set for the stir-fry. He retrieves the chicken from the bag and cuts it into strips.
By the time he is done with the preparations, Nell has finished the mixture for the egg rolls and the ingredients are placed into the perfect assembly line as she rolls them up. He can't stop the laugh that escapes his lips as he sees the precision at which she is working. She looks over in his direction, "Not a word Callen. Not a word." He puts his hands up in surrender and moves towards the wok once again.
After placing the ingredients together for the stir-fry in one skillet, Callen pours oil in a separate skillet in order to cook the egg rolls. Walking away to let the heat reach the correct temperature, he checks the rice cooker he had started at the beginning of this adventure. The two of them work quietly as they finish the necessary steps for a complete meal. Once the food is cooked and plated, Nell disappears into the dining room to set the table. She's not as talkative as he had hoped, but at least she is participating. He decides to call it a win even if the afternoon hasn't gone exactly as he had in his mind.
When he gets in the room, the first thing Callen notices are the candles Nell had lit and he smiles at the gesture. It is still fairly early, but with the blinds drawn the lighting reminds him of a romantic restaurant setting. The ambiance of the room makes him almost forget about everything that has led them to this place. He had anticipated Nell wanting to return to her house after Herrold was captured. Prove to herself that the madman had not won. That she would not be driven from her own home. However, she has given no indication she is ready for that step. The move has left him both relieved and confused. He feels better knowing she is here and no one can find her, but he also knows she can't hide out forever. She will eventually have to face the memories in her house. He won't push her though. Nell will let him know when the time is right, of that Callen is certain.
He moves to pull her chair out as she makes her way to the side of the table. Looking up she offers him a small smile and sits as expected. He pushes her chair in slightly allowing for plenty of space to breath. As he walks around the table to sit across from her, Callen stops at the sound of her voice. "Music. We should have music." He turns to face her before moving to the living room and turning on the radio. After searching a few stations, he finds one that he is sure Nell will like.
Callen claims his seat as he thanks her for the prepared plate of food he sees in his spot. They sit in comfortable silence for a short time before Nell starts talking. It's not about anything important or life-altering. Just casual conversation. They fall into an easy rhythm as they let themselves enjoy the evening. Nell is much more relaxed than she has been in some time and Callen is enjoying seeing her more like herself. As they continue to regal each other with stories and antidotes, the laughter comes quicker and more frequent.
After listening to Callen tell her a particularly embarrassing story about an op gone wrong, Nell sets her glass on the table as she rises to her feet. Walking over to him, she speaks softly. "Dance with me, Callen." She offers her hand to him and watches as he tries to read her face. Apparently seeing nothing that qualifies as concerning, he nods as his hand falls easily into hers. They make their way to the living room where Nell lights the few candles dispersed in various locations. After turning the light down slightly, Nell returns to Callen and stands in front of him.
Looking up to catch his gaze, she steps closer to him as she wraps her arms securely around his waist. Callen's breath hitches as he gathers her in his arms. He feels her relax into him as they sway slowly to the music. Aside from the dead of night when the nightmares plague her sleep, Callen has not been this close to her and it takes him a moment before he can convince his heart to slow its pace. There have been so many times when he wanted to take her in his arms, but he is afraid to push her too soon. He doesn't want to inadvertently cause harm after everything she has already been through.
In this moment though, it's like time stops. Like the past is gone and all that is left is an open book for them to write. Pages waiting from them to fill in the blanks. As he relaxes into her body, Callen finds himself taking in the scent of her hair and fights the urge to pull her any closer. They sway to the music for several more beats before he feels Nell pull away from him slightly. He risks a glance at her face and fights the urge to ask her if everything is alright. To make sure he isn't doing anything to make her uncomfortable.
Before he has a chance to think any further, Nell's hand finds a place on the side of his cheek. He feels her touch as she follows his face like she is trying to read things that have been left unsaid. Closing his eyes, he allows the moment to take hold of him. His eyes shoot open when her thumb finds its way along the side of his mouth and he is shocked to see the reflection staring back at him. It's a look he had not anticipated seeing. It takes all his willpower to stop himself from leaning forward and capturing her lips in a kiss. Their first kiss. Something he has imagined more times than he cares to admit lest he seem like some love struck teenager. A number of scenarios have gone through his mind and he has to say none of them even compare to this moment.
As if reading his thoughts, Nell takes a step closer to him and leans up allowing their lips to touch ever so slightly. She maintains eye contact with him the entire time. Hazel eyes asking for permission. Seeking out the answers she needs in blue ones. Callen freezes. It isn't that he doesn't want this. God knows he does. He just needs to make sure she is ready. Her name leaves his lips as barely a whisper.
She takes another step towards him and closes the space remaining between them. Callen feels her hand running along the back of his neck. Her nails scrap gently along his skin as she reaches her destination. She pulls his head towards hers and their lips meet once again. Only this time there is no mistaking her intention. No possible misinterpretation. His eyes close against the rush of feelings surging through his body as he reaches up taking her face in his hands. Just when he doesn't think the moment can get any more intense, he feels Nell's tongue run along his bottom lip and Callen swears his legs are going to give out.
He follows her lead allowing his mouth to open slightly as her tongue begs for entrance. Callen fights the increasingly overwhelming urge to deepen the kiss or change the pace. Everything he knows logically tells him to let her take the lead. Let things progress at her speed, but he failed to anticipate just how difficult that was going to be. As her tongue tentatively enters his mouth and he finds himself unable to stifle the groan the feeling causes as instincts take over effectively shutting his brain down. Callen gets swept up in the intensity. Locking a hand behind her neck, he changes the tilt of her head slightly allowing an angle that gives them both greater access as their tongues duel.
The change in position causes Nell to vocalize a groan of her own in response to the new stimuli. As the pace quickens, Callen realizes he has to take a moment to slow things down before he completely loses the ability for any rational thought. Breaking their kiss, he holds her face in his hands as he struggles to slow his breathing. Regain some semblance of control. Before he has a chance to speak, Nell captures his lips once again. The kiss has barely begun when he feels her hands slide under the hem of his shirt causing fire to light the sensitive skin her fingertips have found. When he feels her tongue in his mouth once again, he loses all rational thought. The way she is kissing him combined with her nails drawing patterns along his back impedes any ability to do anything except give into everything he is feeling.
His shirt is gone in an instant as she pulls it swiftly over his head and his mind registers movement as Nell pulls them across the floor towards the couch. His hands have found the hem of her shirt and he is running his fingers along the small of her back reveling in the sounds escaping from the woman in his arms. His lips drop to her neck and he feels Nell's breath catch as he runs his tongue along the pulse point he finds begging for attention. When he hears his name escape her lips, his brain finally seems to start working again. He pulls away from the place on her neck and reaches up encasing her face in his hands. "Nell." Locking eyes with him, she leans in and kisses him. Callen lets out a groan and forces himself to pull away again. Resting his head against her forehead, "Nell. We have to slow down."
She reaches up touching his face as she tries to draw him in once again. "No, Callen. We don't." Her hands fall to trace patterns along his chest as she makes her way to the top of his jeans. She runs her fingers lightly along the skin just below the fabric before her hands come to rest on the button. He feels her undo the small barrier and watches as she reaches for the zipper before he becomes cognizant enough to still her motion.
The action causes Nell to pull back and lock eyes with him. "What's wrong, Callen?" She attempts to reach out and touch his face, but finds her hands still encased in his. He pulls them up to his lips and lays a soft kiss along her knuckles before dropping them and stepping away to find his shirt. He needs the distance before something more happens. Callen knows they can't go there. Not yet. Not this soon. Not until she has had some time to heal. She needs time to come to grips with what happened to her all those years ago. He is certain she never really dealt with the initial trauma and he will be damned if he adds to anything because he can't keep himself in control. "Callen?" He is startled by the sound of her voice. There is an underlying edge that he isn't sure can be identified. Or maybe one he doesn't want to identify.
He turns to face her as he pulls his shirt over his head and is immediately struck by her features. He can't quite describe what he sees, but he knows he doesn't like what it seems to imply. Moving towards her, Callen reaches forward to pull her into an embrace. Assure her everything is fine. Instead of her body falling into his, Nell's hand lands on his chest as he feels her pushing him away. "No, I get it." She is shaking her head as she finishes her words, "It's fine. Really." But he knows she doesn't get it. Because if she did, then she wouldn't be reacting the way she is. She wouldn't be pulling away from his touch. He tries reaching for her again only to have her step away from him. Callen feels his stomach lurch at the action.
"Nell." He needs to explain. Make her understand it isn't anything about her. Well, it is. But it's not that he doesn't want her. It's more about her healing before they add any other layers to the relationship. Things haven't exactly followed a typical pattern. Callen knows the odds are stacked against them. Especially considering that their feelings were revealed during the course of a highly stressful situation. In order for them to last, they have to heal and find a solid foundation. They can't survive on a foundation born out of fear and the desire to protect or be protected.
Nell walks backwards towards the hallway, "I'm going to head to bed. You don't need to explain. I made a mistake. It shouldn't have happened." He sees how hard she is trying to keep the tears at bay and Callen's heart feels like it could explode at any minute. As she turns to walk down the hallway, he takes the risk and moves forward quickly enough to reach her before she disappears down the hall.
"Nell. Stop." She tenses under his grip and he fights to urge to release her. It's a calculated risk and he knows it. Nell doesn't respond well when she feels like she is being cornered. He knows that. But he can't let her disappear into the bedroom thinking he didn't want this. Didn't want her. Callen turns her body so she is now facing him. Reaching down with one hand, he pulls her chin up in order to get a clear view of her face. "You have to know this wasn't a mistake." Seeing the disbelief cross her features as she looks away, he sighs heavily. "God, Nell. I didn't stop this because I didn't want it to happen." He waits to see if she will make eye contact with him. When she doesn't he speaks up again, "Nell, look at me." She balks for a moment before complying. Locking eyes with her in a desperate attempt to get her to believe the words he is saying, he continues, "I want this." He gestures between the two of them. Reaching up and skimming his fingers along her face, "I want you." Seeing the doubt still clouding her eyes, he captures her lips in a breathtaking kiss that rivals the ones from moments before.
As Callen breaks the kiss, he hears the quiet voice of the woman in front of him, "But not enough to let it happen." She is confused. Rightly so probably. "What did I do wrong then? Why did you stop?" Callen shakes his head and starts to speak but his answer is interrupted by the continuance of her voice. "I know I'm not experienced like the other women you've been with." She lets out a shaky breath followed by a nervous laugh. "The only person I've been..." The words die in her mouth as she pulls out of grip and disappears down the hallway. She is through the bedroom door before Callen can process the words she had spoken.
He lets his body fall against the wall just behind him as his mind fills in the blanks. The only person she had ever been with. God, no. Callen hadn't even considered that angle. He just assumed she had been sexually active before that night with Herrold. The team had already determined early on in the investigation that Herrold had raped Nell. Even though she has never said the words or spoke to them about it, they all knew what had happened. But, this revelation. This changes everything. She had been a virgin when it happened. And she hasn't been with anyone since the attack. And then tonight. Him putting his hands on her. Was it too much? He instantly starts replaying the events of the night in his mind. He knows he would have done things differently if he had known beforehand. Was he so caught up in his own feelings that he missed something he should have seen? A sign that she wasn't ok. That he was allowing them to go too far. Shaking his head, he feels himself calm slightly as realizes she was the one that initiated the kiss. She took his shirt off. Pulled him towards the couch. Everything was led by her. He was as certain as he could be in that respect.
Resuming his replay of the night, Callen thinks back to what happened next. He pulled away from her. Walked away from her. Even if it was just a few steps to retrieve his shirt. He stopped them before anything else could happen. Rubbing his hands across his face, it hits him like a brick. He feels the tears building in his already moistened eyes as the realization slams against him. She finally took a step towards intimacy. The first one she has ever taken. She put herself on the line and he stopped her. Made her feel like she had done something wrong. Like it was her. He had confirmed whatever belief she held from the only experience she had ever had. An experience with a rapist where she had no say. No control. He has no idea what the man said to her, but whatever seeds Herrold planted in her mind all those years ago Callen knows he has now inadvertently watered.
He mutters another quiet curse as he moves towards her room. Knocking on the door, he waits for her to respond. After a moment of silence, he makes the assumption she is likely in the adjoining bathroom. Opening the door slowly and calling her name to avoid startling her, Callen makes his way into the room before stopping outside the bathroom door. Taking a breath, he knocks on the door. It takes a moment before he hears her voice, "I'll be out in a few minutes."
He lets his head lean against the cool wood before stepping out of the room. All he can do now is wait. And hope she will listen. That she can listen. Even pulling from his life experience and all the things he has learned on the job, Callen has no idea how to move forward with this. Rape is horrific enough, but he can't even begin to imagine what Nell is going through knowing her first experience was one of violence. Hell, her only experience. How does he help her heal from that? Callen knew he was out of his element through this whole process, but he just beginning to realize just how far out he truly is.
His thoughts are interrupted by the quiet cough of Nell announcing her presence. He immediately moves to face her and realizes his hand is moving to bring her into his arms. He stops himself unsure if Nell wants him to touch her right now. Unsure that he even has the right to touch her. Callen doesn't want to upset her any further. He watches as she lowers the gaze that had followed him as he walked towards her just moments ago. Before he realizes what his happening she is moving to walk around him. She gets a few steps away before turning and facing him. She has an easy smile on her face as she speaks. "You want anything to drink? I thought about making some tea." He watches her carefully before shaking his head. Nell turns and walks around the corner into the kitchen leaving Callen bewildered. What the hell was that?
Joining her in the kitchen, he observes her for a minute before speaking. "Nell?" She stills her action for a fraction of a second and Callen wonders if he simply imagined the lapse. "We need to talk." Once again, she keeps moving and doesn't acknowledge his presence. He moves towards her stopping when he comes almost flush with her back. His heart drops when he sees her tense at his presence. "Talk to me, Nell."
She turns so quickly, he has to take a step back lest they collide with each other. "About what Callen?" Nell gives him a pointed look before continuing, "How I made a fool of myself in there? Should we talk about that?" Oh he does not like what he is seeing here. This is the Nell that is stuck in the past. The one that comes out as a protective measure. He saw this version more times than he cares to remember during the investigation. Before he has a chance to respond, she speaks again. This time a little louder than before. "Or how about we talk about my little slip-up before I walked out of the room. You know that one where I let it slip that I've only had one experience." He watches as the mask takes over fully. "In the world of sex, anyway. Is that what you want to talk about?" Without thinking, he moves to pull her into an embrace. She pushes him away and her voice reaches an even higher volume. "Don't Callen." She holds her hand firmly in front of her body. "Don't touch me!" Nell maneuvers around his frame and walks towards the living room before turning around. "You know, I thought the words he said that night were bullshit. But now..." She pauses for a second before speaking again, "Now I know I was just lying to myself."
Callen feels like he's been punched in the gut. He wills himself to follow her. Clear up the misconception. Find out what Herrold said, so Callen could make her see the words were bullshit. But his feet feel like lead and he can't make them follow directions. He feels physically nauseous and is pretty certain it wouldn't take much for the food from earlier to make an unwelcome reappearance. Never in his life has he felt so unsure of himself or what he should do. Even with all the tools in his arsenal, he can't fake this. He can't just wing it and hope it all works out. Pulling out his phone, he calls the only person he knows can help.
"Nate. It's Callen."