a little more on the m side here
a smissmas miracle
the hot, new mexico sun beat down on the dilapidated wooden tower like a heat lamp would beat down on a stale appetizer in applebee's. the blu sniper was crouched at the top, missing every single shot he took and blaming it on his high ping. in reality, he was honestly just a shit sniper. in a fit of frustration, he threw his rifle to the ground and grabbed a jar of his own urine, chugging it in anger
"oi hate moi loife," he whispered australianly, hot piss dribbling down his bearded chin and beads of sweat forming at his forehead. he then heard a mysterious creaking sound from behind him. kukri in hand, he squatted in wait.
"who's there?" he rasped angrily yet sensually, ready to pounce like a sexy kangaroo, which is an australian animal and it's funny because the sniper is also australian. the red spy melted into view, chuckling frenchly and impressively playing with like three of his knives at the same time or something
"bonjoor, le 'ideous boojman," the france man husked huskily, approaching the handsomely rugged outdoorsman. and by rugged i mean piss-drinking
"wot the bloody hell are yew doin' here, nasty spook?" sniper spluttered, releasing an ungodly amount of spit and piss at the man. for some reason, he hadn't attacked because he'd just never realized before how stupidly hot and sexy the enemy spy was. in fact, with the sunlight streaming in through the window and at his face, sniper could see that the spy was an absolute sex god
"why should i tell you?" spy replied in a french accent so thick he coughed up a beret
"ah, hm. good point, mate."
"oui, i always make good points," he giggled coquettishly, continuing to give himself all sorts of cancer as he calmly placed three cigarettes in his mouth and lit them.
"yah, good point," sniper said coyly, finally wiping the disgusting fucking piss from his lips. took him long enough.
"would you like to...'ow do you say...le make out?" spy proposed sexily, taking his suit jacket off with a flourish and throwing it out the window.
"oi-oi'd love that, m-mate," sniper replied shakily, biting his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. "you don't understand how much i want you insoide of me roight now."
"i zheenk i do," spy said provocatively, tearing his pants off. much to the sniper's delight, he found that the spy had gone commando that day, which filthy fucking french people like him are wont to do. he took out a monster condom and wrapped it around his magnum 15.6-inch dong.
"thassa big dong, mate," sniper said dumbly
"shut up and let me rip you a new one," spy yelled completely in character, tearing the sniper's pants down and bending him over.
"no, ah, no lube, huh?" sniper asked nervously, bare ass thrust in the air
"in france we do not use ze lubrication. zhis will not 'urt much," spy said, ramming his throbbing member of the french parliament into sniper's ripe, lubeless australian outback.
"nyaa-aa!~" sniper arched his back and yelped exactly like a cute anime character, tilde and all. then, as he began enjoying the fun, he began giggling uncontrollably, tears running down his face. "ah, roight in the bloody colon!" he giggled in a very moe manner
"eugh! wot on earhz iz zis brown stuff?" spy screamed in disgust
"jos' some vegemite, mate. don't moind it!" sniper replied in a sexy, carefree, cheerful manner
"you dizguzt me, filhzy jar man!" spy screamed, brutally hatefucking the sniper so hard his eyeballs rolled back into his brain
"aaahhhh, who cares. we're young, bold, n beautiful. yolo!" sniper said like the hip, fun, and fearless cosmo guy of the month he was, grabbing and downing a four loko he found on the floor and taking selfies on his iphone 6 plus and posting them to instagram
"i am young, bold, and beautiful. you are none of zhose zhings," spy hissed, snuffing out his three cigarette butts in the sniper's bare asscheek to make a sick-looking orion's belt constellation of burns. "and if you say 'yolo' one more time, i will ram my penis so far up your arse zhat you'll 'ave foreskin for teeth!"
"but that's the way oi loike it," the sniper giggled, his chin supported by his hands as he stared out the window and into the blue, blue sky, his ass in the process of getting curb-stomped.
what a lovely day to feel as though i'm taking a massive reverse shit, he thought blithely
"you know, i zhought you 'ated me," spy said offhandedly, casually continuing to pummel the sniper's poop chute with reckless abandon
"nyah. oi did at first, but then oi realized, hey, this goy's a beaut. a real stunnah. and oi thought…i thought, how can oi hate a sex god?" he giggled again
"zis is true," spy said thoughtfully as he finally came and removed his manly instrument from sniper's orifice. "i am a sex god. i just zhought zat such a...hm, how you say zis, sexy australian man would not be into a free-spirited frenchman such as i."
"well, mate, you're wrong. i am into you. very much, mate," sniper whispered sensually, roughly grabbing the spy's head with both hands. they then violently but hotly mashed lips, which basically sounded like someone fisting a jar of mayo but nobody ever brings up the stupid gross wet mouth noises that happen when two people violently make out. they shared a romantic moment in each other's arms, but then tears began rolling down the spy's cheeks, much to the sniper's surprise.
"wot's wrong, mate?" he said, wiping away spy's tears in a cool, comforting, and sensitive way
"eet iz just zhat...zhis reminds me of my parents, who passed away when i was only just a garcon."
"ah, yes, a garcon," sniper said, suddenly blessed with the ability to speak fluent french. "that stinks. my parents are dead, too, mate."
"i knoooooooooooooow," the spy sobbed, gently resting his head against the sniper's chest and blubbering into his shirt like a baby. he slowly reached for his sunglasses.
"the specs stay awn," sniper barked like a german shepherd
"s-sorry," cried spy.
"there, there, mate." sniper patted spy's spandexed head and kissed the top of it, bringing him close. "s'okay to 'ave a good croy every now and again."
"nobody really loves me," the spy weeped seductively
"...oi...oi love yah," sniper grumbled, making piercing, prolonged eye contact with the spy.
"you love...me? you really do?"
"oi do. madly in love with you, mate. i-it's loike if people were rain, oi'm just a drizzle and you're a-a hurricane."
"i...i love you, too." the roof suddenly blew off the top of the tower and rain began to pour inside, drenching the two damp hunks. they kissed in the rain with such passionate ardor that it was almost as if they were in a john green novel and they were both terminally ill with a month to live
"i'm cold now..." shivered spy, mewling quietly like a small french kitten. "get me ze blanket, desu"
"roight away, spoi-kun," sniper said, tripping over his own two idiot feet and clumsily grabbing the coarse blanket, wrapping it around the two. he then took out his zune and earbuds because he is a wise, cool, and modern man
"maybe some neutral milk hotel will help?" he said in a hip and indie way.
"snf. maybe," spy wailed adorably, taking an earbud and placing it in his masked ear and resting his head on the sniper's inviting shoulder and nuzzling him like a kawaii stray neko. they sat in the pouring rain under the same blanket, sopping wet and hopelessly gay for each other
"i-i-i love you, s-sunipero-kun," spy whispered, blushing. "even zhough you are a plebeian who uses a zune."
"oi love you too, spoi-kun. goin' gay for you's the best thing i eva did. that's how bein gay works, innit?"
"hai, sunipero-kun," spy purred, growing ears and a tail and curling up next to his senpai, slowly growing more stereotypically anime by the minute. "nnn~."
"thas roight," sniper growled, suddenly the seme of this clusterfuck of a relationship, nibbling spy's neko ear. "now who's ya daddy?"
"you are my daddy!~" he yelped, somehow fucking managing to pronounce the tilde again
"and don't you forget it!" sniper bellowed, smacking the frenchman's bare ass so hard it turned red enough to pass for a couple of tomatoes. they were about to go for another round of fudge-packing when the red scout walked in.
"ah, wat the hell's goin' awn heah?" he asked bostonly while holding a bucket of kfc like the southie piece of trash he was. this is a hilarious reference because in the valve short movie expiration date, the scout tried to showcase his juvenile methods of seduction by offering fried chicken and then the spy was like no! and he hit the chicken lol do you guys remember that
"gay sex, wanna join?" sniper rasped sexily, smashing a jar of hot piss over his head for dramatic effect
"aw, sure, why not. i've got nothin' betta to do. you guys seem wicked haahtt enough, and besides. i'm the team bicycle!"
"then join in, little lupin," spy said.
"no. lapin. it's fucking lapin. lapin is rabbit in french, not lupin," sniper corrected the native french speaker matter-of-factly, staring straight at the floor with a twinge of anger in his voice. "lupin the third is an anime that debuted as a manga in 1967."
"a damn good one," scout chimed in with a bite of a drumstick.
"oh, right. lapin. well, come 'ere and join in or i'll fuck your muzzher again," spy said with a roll of his eyes
"wait, ya fuckin' my ma too?" scout hollered
"i'm fucking everyone's parents," spy snickered, evilly tapping two fingers together
"my parents're dead," sniper whispered, a lone tear rolling down his scarred cheek
"mine too," spy whimpered, and started crying again
"shut the fuck up, i thought yous was just screwin' the blu scout's ma? ya screwin' my ma too?"
"i'm screwing all moms, i already told you," spy deadpanned through his tears
"aw, shucks," scout sighed, throwing his chicken out the window in bitter defeat
"bloody hell bloke mates who cares, lets jus 'ave a kangaroo outback tony abbott gander at each otha', eh?" said the oh fuck it who else would've said that honestly
"alright. alright, fine, okay. you bettah not make me regret this," scout grumbled, shyly and reluctantly taking his pants off. the two men stared hungrily at this new young fresh meat. right as he was about to take his baseball-printed tightie-whities off, the soldier came in. yes, THE soldier, no it doesn't fucking matter what team he's on, nothing matters
"maggots. what is going on here," he yelled in such a loud angry voice that he almost gave himself an aneurysm
"i'll tell you hwat," the sniper said, putting his index finger to his chin. "that boy don't look roight"
"shut up, commie," soldier said, even though he had nowhere near an actual grasp on the economical concept of communism. "if i didn't know any better, and i don't really, this looks to me like you men are engaging in...in…"
"gay sex," shouted scout
"yes, mm, yes, precisely that. gay sex. and you know how i feel about gays."
"i don't, actually," spy said, clearing his throat. "you've never really been very vocal about your viewpoint concerning lgbt+ relationships. please be respectful of our sexualities"
"shut up, sjw maggot," soldier said, another man hip with the times. what a sight to see in this day and age. "i don't like them. i liked neil patrick harris and then i found out he's gay and now i can't like him because he's gay!"
"well, honestly, if you didn't see that one comin'..." scout said sheepishly
"i didn't..." soldier said in a very in-character way, now in tears. "i fucking bought mezzanine tickets for the latest rendition of hedwig on broadway, too. they're nonrefundable. now what am i going to do"
"there, there," sniper said, gingerly patting the soldier on the back. "try bein' gay with us. it's a jolly ol' good time. no communism involved"
"you promise?" soldier sniffed
"we promise," spy said with a cute and cool smile. what a swell guy
"alright maggot," soldier yelled, taking off his clothes very fast and staring at the sexy naked men around him. "oh yes, now i can see the sexual appeal of naked men"
"now you can go see hedwig and the angry inch at the belasco theatre, starring neil patrick harris as the titular character, mezzanine tickets starting at just $69 at ticketmaster," sniper said with the heartwarming smile of paid advertising
"now i can...now i can. it's a smissmas miracle," soldier whispered, wiping bald eagle tears from his eyes. the team gathered around the window and silently watched the powdery white snow softly fall to the ground as a team of f-14s raced across the sky in the shape of an american flag. it was really magical, take my word for it
"oi love christmas," sniper said to nobody in particular
"yeah," replied whichever one you want
and that, my children, is how the christmas miracle of yaoi was born.