I don't own any recognizable characters or song lyrics.
Lana'a POV
I hear a knock on the door. I really don't want any visitors. I just want to be alone. My parents dropped me off last night after they found me in the bathroom. They signed a couple papers and left. They haven't been back since, and I've been glad. I just want to be alone to wallow in my self-pity. When Artie come in and tells me the whole Glee club is here, I almost start tearing up. They shouldn't be wasting their time here. I'm not worth it.
"Lana, please. Look at me." Artie asks. When I don't move, he walks around the bed to look me in the eye. I must have a really sad look on my face because he frowns. He looks to the rest of the club and nods. I hear someone put something down and a few snaps get undone. Then I hear an acoustic guitar. Puck brought his guitar. That's nice. He starts playing familiar chords to a familiar song. It doesn't take me long to realize that it's How To Save a Life by The Fray. Artie starts singing.
Step one, you say,
"We need to talk,"
He walks, you say,
"Sit down, it's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you.
You stare politely right on through.
Finn starts singing and Artie stops, that's when I notice the rest of my visitors have moved around, spread out around the bed. I straighten out, sitting up now. I put my arms under the sheets so that it isn't so easy to notice that they're bandaged.
Some sort of window to your right,
As he goes left and you stay right.
Between the lines of fear and blame,
You begin to wonder why you came.
Artie joins in again and now so do Santana and Quinn creating a bit of a harmony. It sounds really good.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known How To Save A Life.
Now Tina and Mercedes are singing the lyrics. It's becoming harder for me to not cry or laugh or something. My eyes start stinging and I know it won't be long before I start crying.
Let him know that you know best,
'Cause after all, you do know best.
Try to slip past his defense,
Without granting innocence.
Lay down a list of what is wrong,
The things you've told him all along.
And pray to God he hears you.
And pray to God he hears you.
As the second chorus hits, Kurt starts singing solo, and now I can't help it. I start sobbing into my hands, suddenly not caring that everyone will see the bandages wrapped carefully around my wrists.
And where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known How To Save A Life.
Finn starts singing now, with Rachel. I'd never really listened to Rachel sing with
him before, but now I can't help but realize that they sound fantastic together. I'm still crying, sobbing into my hands. Mike approaches me and whispers for me to scoot over. I do, and he walks around to the other side of the bed where Artie and Finn are currently placed.
As he begins to raise his voice,
You lower yours and grant him one last choice.
Finn stops singing long enough to help Mike lift Artie into the bed with me, and Artie pulls me close and lets me sob on his shoulder. It feels much better to be embracing him, proving to me that I have a support system, no matter what I think.
Drive until you lose the road,
Or break with the ones you've followed.
Finn rejoins Rachel with the lyrics, and I slowly start to calm down, Artie by my side, holding me while I break down, right there in front of the entire Glee club.
He will do one of two things:
He will admit to everything,
Or he'll say he's just not the same.
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Now Kurt, Artie and Puck take this chorus, and Artie is more or less just mumbling it into my ear. It feels good, the vibrations of his vocal chords against my face. It's very calming.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known How To Save A Life.
The entire club joins in on this remainder of the song, and my lip starts quivering again as I see all the worried, sincere looks on their faces. They all look so scared. I hate that their obviously worried about me but it makes me feel good to know that they care so much. I look a bit past Quinn, who is at the end of my bed, and notice that school hasn't ended yet and they should all be in Glee rehearsal. That explains how they knew to come here and how they all came at once.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known How To Save A Life.
How To Save A Life.
How To Save A Life.
Now I'm full-on sobbing again, and this time Tina walks over to the side of the bed opposite Artie and pulls me into a hug. The rest of the club follows as the song finishes, Finn last. I hold onto Finn for a second longer and mumble a thank-you into his ear.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known How To Save A Life.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness,
And I would have stayed up with you all night,
Had I known How To Save A Life.
Knowing the song by heart, I finish off the last two lines of it, really understanding what they all meant with the words. Maybe, just maybe, they care enough about me.
How To Save A Life.
How To Save A Life.
Puck stops strumming on his guitar and puts in down, and everyone is silent for a few minutes, until Kurt speaks up.
"What- Why? Did you honestly think no one cares about you?" He looks so scared. And genuinely worried. It's been so long since someone has looked at me like that.
"I don't-, I felt like no one cared about me. Like no one would miss me." I said, looking at the sheets.
"Lana, do you even know how wrong you are?" This came from Rachel, surprisingly. "We all care about you. Even I skipped Glee rehearsal to come to see you. You, someone I am so proud to call a friend." She came around to the side of the bed opposite Artie and grabbed my hand.
"And do you even know how scared Artie looked when Shue told us you were here?" Santana said to me, probably the most sincere thing she's ever said to me since I met her.
"Never mind Artie, I think we all panicked a little." Quinn spoke up, looking directly at my eyes. She still had a bit of panic in her eyes.
"The thing is, Lana, that you matter to all of us. We care about you." Mercedes desperately tells me, I can see that she's trying to not freak out. The rest of the New Directions agree, nodding and mumbling. Artie turns his head to whisper something in my ear.
"Please never do that again."
"So, uh, why exactly are you still here?" Puck asked from his spot at the far corner of the bed. I was waiting for the time when I'd have to tell them I swallowed a bottle of pills and then slashed my wrists into tomorrow.
"I, uh. I swallowed a bunch of pills. They had to pump my stomach." I mumbled, very quietly. "And I needed some stitches." I can't look anyone in the eye anymore so I go back to staring at my feet under the sheets. No one says anything, I swear I could hear Artie's heart beating next to me. Though I can't see them, I can tell that they all have solemn, pitying expressions on their faces. I peek over to see Artie, his eyes are big and sad.
"Lana…" Finn starts, but he doesn't say anything else. I look up at him, a frown on my face. His mirrors mine, and now I notice everyone in the room looks just plain sad.
"Why? I need more of an explanation this time." Kurt says.
"I rolled my sleeves up yesterday, I was getting really hot. Everyone saw my scars. They were making fun of me, and when I got home, my mom yelled at me and told me how worthless I was and I had already felt horrible. Then, after I did my homework, I opened my emails and there were more than fifty of them from Facebook and Twitter- all of them hate mail and posts and Tweets. So I grabbed my blades and my pills and locked myself in the bathroom. I guess my parents found me an hour or so later and brought me here."
"Where are they now?" Puck asked.
"I don't know. I haven't seen them since my mom was yelling at me last night. I guess they dropped me off and left." I said to Puck, looking a bit past his head to stare at the wall, again not being able to meet his eyes.
"You should come live with me. If they—," Artie starts, but I cut him off this time.
"What!? I can't come live with you, Artie."
"Sure you can. There's an empty spare room upstairs. If your parents don't care enough to come visit you after a suicide attempt, then you sure as hell should not be living with them. I'm sure my mom will be fine with it. You can get a job to pay for your phone and stuff. My mom drives me to school every day, you could get a ride with me to avoid the bus, it would all work out." Artie finishes, stunning me, and everyone, into silence.
"I couldn't, Artie. I can't." I look at him, tears reappearing at the fact that he cares about me that much.
"I'll call my mom in a bit and see what she says. She'll love you." He pauses, clearly not wanting to finish but needing to. "Almost as much as I do."
{LINE BREAK}
Within a month, I was out of the hospital and moved in with Artie. I haven't cut or taken pills or anything. I am now thirty-six days clean and I feel a lot better. All of the New Directions came to visit me in the hospital every day during Glee rehearsal period and we all sang together. They proved to me that they all care, so much. I now have eleven amazing friends. I feel loved and now, I know I'm not alone. It feels better. I still get down every once in a while, but Artie has been so amazing. He takes me out for dinner once a week, so I guess we're kind of dating. He, as well as the other New Directions, have shown me that it gets better, that I can be beautiful (Kurt and Rachel took me on a shopping spree and made me over), and that I am worth something. Artie's mom has been so nice and accepting of me. All of me. Which I didn't think was possible. I threw out my blades and pills three weeks ago.
The marks are still there. There are still scars. They will always be there. But I don't think of that as a bad thing. They are silent reminders of what I went through. They remind me every day that I made it through that, of how strong I am. I now have an emergency grouping of numbers in my phone, and if I ever feel like I need to make more marks, I text it and sometimes some of the New Directions come over, sometimes Artie just hugs me and lets me cry, sometimes Finn and Puck make jokes while Quinn and Rachel mercilessly curse at them. But it helps. I've used it three times so far. I haven't talked to or seen my parents and I'm okay with that. I've eaten properly. I've only taken pills when I had a serious headache or PMS. Everyone has helped me get through this, and I have never been more grateful and I have never seen so much promise in my life. I have hope.
I hope this helps, Carrie. It was inspired by you. You are not worthless, hopeless, ugly, fat, a failure, none of that.
You are amazing, you show promise, you are beautiful, gorgeous, and so, so successful. You've made it this far. And I hope that in 100 days, you'll be 100DaysClean. Thanks for reading. Be Strong.
-KristenGall1998